My family decided they wanted to leave me. And they left. Ok, that is pretty overdramatic. The reality is that my family drove up to Minnesota for a couple of weeks to visit while Mike is in between jobs. I couldn't go, as I have only just started a new job position that I love and have no desire to jeopardize.
I know what you're thinking, because literally every person that I have told about this has said the same thing. Freedom! Peace and quiet! No kids, no messes, no crying, no whining, no nothing. While I do still have 2 dogs home with me to take care of, that takes all of 5 minutes total to let them in and out and feed and water them daily. It's basically nothing. So, yes. I am free for a couple of weeks.
My reaction to them leaving was not even close to what people had expected. I was cranky and sad and scared. I didn't want to be all alone. I never understood what the big deal of solitary confinement was in prison, until this happened. I was in my own solitary. It's not fun going from a life filled with noise and laughter and kids flipping around and showing you their latest tricks and snuggling and kissing you to nothing. Just nothing. It's weird and hard to embrace.
I was secretly mad at my husband for going. I did not tell him this. In fact, he asked me about a dozen times if this was ok. If I was ok with all this. And I said, of course! I want him to go and visit with family and enjoy a vacation before he dives into another career. I want him to go fishing and camping and do all the fun stuff that he missed the last few summers because he was deployed or out on training. But secretly I wanted him here waiting for me when I got home from my amazing job with a handsome smile on his face and dinner cooking and the kids all showered and dressed neatly... Ok.. I can't even keep a straight face while typing this. But a fantasy is a fantasy right?
He left last Thursday and my heart ached the entire day. He brought the kids to say goodbye to me at work before they headed out. I thought about trying to convince my 5 year old that she would be too sad without me and she should just stay home with me. Actually, I asked her a couple of times if she was sure she wanted to go. But, I decided manipulating my own daughter is a horribly selfish and desperate move that even in my darkest moments, I don't want to be guilty of. So I kissed them all goodbye and I dealt with the brick sitting on my heart the rest of the day.
I went home that night, I walked in the house, I closed the door behind me, and I stood there. There was nothing. Silence. This rarely happens in my house. It was weird. But I kicked off my shoes and decided to relax. Alone. I dreaded it. But, it was actually pretty nice. I could watch my own shows. I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to share. Maybe this whole thing wouldn't be so bad? I was nervous all day about going to sleep. In the past, when Mike has been gone, I have tossed and turned and slept with the bathroom light on because I was convinced something or someone was going to get in the house and try to rape, kill, or kidnap all of us. Too many horror movies? Maybe.
That first night I slept better than I have slept in a long time. No tossing or turning whatsoever. The following night? Yep. Even better! I have decided that single, non-parent people probably get the best sleep. It makes sense because in my mommy subconscious, I am always listening for my babies. Even in my sleep. A part of my brain stays alert to hear for a baby crying or a little girl terrified from a bad dream. I don't have to worry about all that right now, so I am sleeping like I haven't slept maybe ever. It's incredible.
I have been really enjoying myself since my family left. The house has stayed relatively clean the entire time. I only had to do one load of laundry and take the trash out once in a whole weeks time! This is amazing new territory for me.
I went to church on Sunday and worshipped like my soul depended on it. No little girl holding onto my arm and telling me she needed a drink or to go potty. I didn't worry about where my kids were or if they were doing what they were supposed to. My one and only focus was Jesus. I was able to just be with Him. I fell on my face that day, sobbing. Not because I was sad, but because I was so grateful for who He is. For what He's done in my life, and for this time that He gave to me to just be with Him. Just us. It's rare and it shouldn't be. The song playing was The One That Really Matters. It's so true! My mind is so occupied with worrying about my husband and children and friends and church, that I fail to focus on the One who matters.
The next day I read an article a woman wrote about how she realized how codependent she had become on her best friend. She came to realize that she needed to be self reliant. She needed to be able to truly enjoy good things even if she couldn't' share them with her friend. She needed to be able to get through bad things without her friend helping her through. She needed "self reliance". But while I read this, I thought no.. she needs God-reliance. I do too. I depend on my husband and kids to make me feel necessary. To make me feel needed. To make me feel happy when I become sad. I feel like I can't truly enjoy things without them. I don't want to go places or do things by myself, because I feel like it will be better with them.
This might be true, but the reality is, that I should be ok with being alone too. I should be ok going to the grocery store or movie theater without someone else. I shouldn't avoid these things until my family comes home. That's crazy. I should be able to enjoy life's simple pleasures with and without my family. Because ultimately, my family won't always be here. God will. If I become God-reliant, then I won't fear being alone. If I become God-reliant, then I won't dread the silence. I will find peace instead of solitude.
So, I am going to treat myself to a movie. Alone. And that's ok. Cause the movie is good with or without buying someone candy and taking them to the bathroom three times. And I am going to go to Wal-Mart alone, and buy what I need and that's ok too. My life doesn't have to be boring without my people in it. I can use this time to just be with my Father and enjoy His presence whether I am face down in a puddle of my own tears in worship, or walking through Wal-Mart. I am going to enjoy this time with just us.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Mid-Leap
Mike and came to a crossroads a few months ago. We had to go to the right or to the left. We were unsure which path was the right one. Both had advantages and perks, and both held sacrifice and possible struggle. It was one of the toughest decisions of our entire marriage. We sat there at the crossroad beside each other, hoping the other would have a revelation about which path to choose. Do we re-enlist in the Army and move away after Mike serves a year in Korea? Or do we get out of the Army, both of us finding civilian jobs and giving up our financial security? Ultimately, after much time and prayer, we chose to get out of the Army.
We leapt. Not a step or stride or tiptoe or skip. We leapt. We jumped in head first without even toeing the water. We had so much faith and excitement. We knew God was already clearing our path and making it straight. We knew our jobs were determined before we even applied. We knew our finances would be handled and we would never go without. We had faith.
Then a month went by. My husband was on the computer daily submitting applications and sending out his resume. He was being proactive and I was so proud of him. He had a few months left in the Army, yet he was planning ahead and doing whatever he could to ensure we would be ok. I started applying places too. I sent out at least 10 resumes a day. Neither of heard back from any jobs. Nothing. Nada. Nichts.
My faith was dwindling and my ego was bruised. I had a decent enough resume. I had experience in almost everything. Why didn't anyone at least want to meet me? What was wrong with me? So one Sunday I went to the cross and I hit my knees once again. I promised God that I was leaving my job there with Him. At the foot of the cross. I wasn't going to worry about it anymore. I didn't want the burden of carrying it around, and He promised me His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He could handle it. When the doubts would creep in, I would remind myself that it isn't any of my business. I handed it to Jesus and I needed to trust Him.
The calls began to pour in. I had multiple interviews and second interviews. I was offered really good jobs and I was humbled being able to choose which one I wanted. I ultimately took a position working in a law office. I had dreamt of working in law since I was young. This was a dream that had sat in the furthest corner of my heart for 14 years, and God handed it to me just like that.
While I was going to interviews and being offered these incredible jobs, my hardworking and faithful husband wasn't even getting one call back. He was beginning to sulk. I could see his ego and his faith diminishing. He was cranky and kind of mean. He was starting to become real insecure and say bad things about himself. He was doubting himself as a husband, father, provider, and protector. He had himself convinced that he made the wrong decision and in doing so, had failed his family miserably. He was terrified.
I admit that while at times I was overcome with empathy and compassion, I was more often irritated by his demeanor and attitude. Blind faith is something I have embraced more than struggled with in my life. Mike on the other hand, has to remind himself to hold tight. I look at the bright side of things and try to find solutions to the storms that creep in, while Mike often gets overwhelmed by the intensity of the storm, and has a hard time seeing a way out of it. He thinks worst case scenario, while I shoot for the best.
I was irritated with my husband and wanted to shake him out of this funk and slap some faith into him. But, I chose love. I grabbed his hand the next Sunday and I led my big strong man to the cross. I asked him to kneel with me so I could pray with him. I began praying my heart out. I sobbed desperate pleas to my Abba, that He would overwhelm my husband with strength and faith and encouragement. I prayed for his job, I prayed for our marriage, and I prayed for him to leave these burdens here and not pick them up again. It was a very intense and intimate moment for us. Shortly after, our dear friend and Pastor walked over with a word for us. Psalms 20:1-5.
We leapt. Not a step or stride or tiptoe or skip. We leapt. We jumped in head first without even toeing the water. We had so much faith and excitement. We knew God was already clearing our path and making it straight. We knew our jobs were determined before we even applied. We knew our finances would be handled and we would never go without. We had faith.
Then a month went by. My husband was on the computer daily submitting applications and sending out his resume. He was being proactive and I was so proud of him. He had a few months left in the Army, yet he was planning ahead and doing whatever he could to ensure we would be ok. I started applying places too. I sent out at least 10 resumes a day. Neither of heard back from any jobs. Nothing. Nada. Nichts.
My faith was dwindling and my ego was bruised. I had a decent enough resume. I had experience in almost everything. Why didn't anyone at least want to meet me? What was wrong with me? So one Sunday I went to the cross and I hit my knees once again. I promised God that I was leaving my job there with Him. At the foot of the cross. I wasn't going to worry about it anymore. I didn't want the burden of carrying it around, and He promised me His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He could handle it. When the doubts would creep in, I would remind myself that it isn't any of my business. I handed it to Jesus and I needed to trust Him.
The calls began to pour in. I had multiple interviews and second interviews. I was offered really good jobs and I was humbled being able to choose which one I wanted. I ultimately took a position working in a law office. I had dreamt of working in law since I was young. This was a dream that had sat in the furthest corner of my heart for 14 years, and God handed it to me just like that.
While I was going to interviews and being offered these incredible jobs, my hardworking and faithful husband wasn't even getting one call back. He was beginning to sulk. I could see his ego and his faith diminishing. He was cranky and kind of mean. He was starting to become real insecure and say bad things about himself. He was doubting himself as a husband, father, provider, and protector. He had himself convinced that he made the wrong decision and in doing so, had failed his family miserably. He was terrified.
I admit that while at times I was overcome with empathy and compassion, I was more often irritated by his demeanor and attitude. Blind faith is something I have embraced more than struggled with in my life. Mike on the other hand, has to remind himself to hold tight. I look at the bright side of things and try to find solutions to the storms that creep in, while Mike often gets overwhelmed by the intensity of the storm, and has a hard time seeing a way out of it. He thinks worst case scenario, while I shoot for the best.
I was irritated with my husband and wanted to shake him out of this funk and slap some faith into him. But, I chose love. I grabbed his hand the next Sunday and I led my big strong man to the cross. I asked him to kneel with me so I could pray with him. I began praying my heart out. I sobbed desperate pleas to my Abba, that He would overwhelm my husband with strength and faith and encouragement. I prayed for his job, I prayed for our marriage, and I prayed for him to leave these burdens here and not pick them up again. It was a very intense and intimate moment for us. Shortly after, our dear friend and Pastor walked over with a word for us. Psalms 20:1-5.
In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
May he remember all your gifts
and look favorably on your burnt offerings.
and look favorably on your burnt offerings.
May he grant your heart’s desires
and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.
and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.
This was our confirmation. God loves us. He looks favorably upon us, despite our shortcomings. He sees the good things and He will make our plans succeed.
This word encouraged us both and I saw a very big difference in my husband's demeanor. He was upbeat and silly again. His burdens had been lifted and his faith had been restored.
For now.
The very next day he got a call from a reputable company who really liked his resume. They began the process of background checks and telephone interviews. The first week sailed so smoothly. Then he didn't hear anything from them again for days. He was confused and didn't know if they decided they didn't want him, or if their process was just really slow. The fire of faith that had been blazing in him, was beginning to taper. Slowly it was like a dark cloud was creeping over him and his shoulders slumped more each day.
Then another week or so later, he received a call from the company. They had gotten his paperwork from whatever agency they needed it from, and they still really liked him! They were going to go to the next step. Mike was unclear as to what that step was. But he knew the movement was good. So he waited to hear back from them. Again.
During this time, my husband's last day in the Army came and went. It was a day of mixed emotions. He had received such love and confirmation from his guys about what a great leader and man he is. It was hard for him to leave them, but he walked out of there with hope, even if it wasn't a lot of it.
With the Army behind him, he had nothing to do with his days except wait for this company. He continued to apply for more positions and sent his resume out. Not hearing from any other companies and not hearing from this particular one caused the fear, doubt, insecurities to come flooding in and drowning out his faith. He became dreary and dark and sad all the time. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. Just as he was beginning to accept defeat, the company called. They had crossed all their T's and dotted all their I's and wanted a face to face interview with him.
This was only days ago, so we are in the waiting again. Waiting for the interview to come next week. Waiting to see what they say afterword. Waiting to know what our future holds. But this roller coaster of a process has taught me so much. God has revealed himself more to me in this time than maybe ever in my life.
I envision a leap of faith as Mike and I running toward a break in cliff. We have to jump to the other side. There is a great, big, dark, scary chasm between the two cliffs. We have no idea how we will make it to the other side, we just fuel up on faith and trust that God will make it happen.
We did it. We leapt. We are currently in the leap. In the time that we have to fully depend on and trust God to get us to the other side. Because the other option is falling into that dark, scary chasm in between. There is a lot of waiting in the leap. There is a lot of patience building. And, because Mike and I are in this together, we must hold tight to each other's hand. If one of us starts looking down, the other must choose to help lift their eyes to the One carrying us. I have struggled with this lately, and God has checked me several times.
While my husband learns faith and patience through all this, I am learning self control, compassion, patience, endurance, and grace. I may have the faith to get through, but there is so much more necessary. Instead of getting irritated and frustrated and angry with my husband, I need to exhibit these attributes. I need to help lift him up. It's not about me right now. It's about him. It's about showing him that I can love him in his darkest times. That I can be here for him in his most miserable moments. That I won't reject him and turn away from him no matter what he says or does. I am grateful for the learning. I am grateful to become better through all of this. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for this whole thing to be behind us. But, I trust that once we get there, we will both look a lot shinier and a little less like the old us. And I praise God for that.
If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Philippians 2:1-4
Monday, May 11, 2015
Trust Without Borders
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Where ever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
The song is so popular and beautiful and almost everyone I know can't get enough of it. But what if you had to actually live it? What if you had to actually walk that out?
I am in that place. I have a choice. To trust God beyond what I can see. To know that He will show up and show out for me. That He will accomplish the unthinkable before my very eyes. That He will carry me to places my wildest dreams couldn't have imagined. And through this close and intimate trusting encounter with Him, I will have faith beyond what I have ever experienced.
Or... I can choose the safe route. The path that I can see. The path that I can plan out every step and know exactly where I am going. It feels more comfortable. It feels safe. But, it would be settling for so much less than what He has in mind for me.
I have never been one with an abundance of patience. Sure, I have 5 kids. I have patience for "just one more story" before bed, or "I'm just so thirsty" in the middle of the night. I can braid another braid and sing Jesus loves me for the 468th time in a row. I can pick up my kids shoes out of the middle of the hallway and turn off their bedroom light (again). I can do all these things without losing my cool. But I am not good with waiting.
And I feel like God is tormenting me.
We officially stop receiving a paycheck from the US Army in less than 3 months. Neither Mike or I have a job lined up and the bills just wont stop showing up in the mailbox. I have put my resume out to everyone imaginable and after only 2 interviews and several "sorry we decided to go with a more qualified candidate" emails later- I am left standing with only a great outfit and a resume in my hand. (Yeah. I got turned down by Lowes. Twice.)
It's really hard not to think about the "what ifs" and the "should've". Its a battle every day. I can honestly say with my whole heart that I know that God is here with us. I know in my soul that He is in control. There is no doubt in my mind. The question that keeps coming up is.. what if this is His plan?! That's ridiculous.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Prosper: succeed in material terms; be financially successful
Ok. Well that's good news. God doesn't want us to be financially destitute. He doesn't want us to lose our house and cars. He doesn't want us to have our meals served to us at the local food shelf. He wants us to be financially successful. His word says so, and He doesn't lie.
I went to the beach the other day with my husband and beautiful children. It was my 30th birthday. All I wanted was to sit on the beach and look out at the huge ocean and know that He is bigger than all this. To look at His glorious creation with wonder and awe. I wanted to feel his might.
I was sitting on the beach with my sweet dog, Belle. Watching the water and listening to the waves rolling in. Feeling them gently sweep over my feet. I looked down at the sand in front of me and saw a leaf. (The black thing in the picture.) At first I didn't know what it was. I thought it must be some kind of creature because no matter how hard the waves crashed against it, it didn't move from it's spot. Anchored into the sand. At one point, Belle pawed at it and even took it in her mouth and bit it. She must've realized it was no good cause she spit it out and it went back to its clinging to the sand. Not moving an inch, no matter how hard the waves tried.
I am that leaf.
No matter how hard life tries to come at me. No matter how high the water sweeps over my head. No matter how violent the storm gets. No matter who tries to attack me, chew me up, and spit me back out. No matter how overwhelming this life becomes. No matter how much it tries to suffocate me and squeeze the breath out of me. If I am anchored in Him, I will not be moved. If I cling to Him with all I have, then nothing can conquer me.
I don't know how much longer He will take before revealing our future. I don't know when the jobs will line up and all the pieces will fall together. But I know I have to believe that they will. That everything will work out for my good. I have to cling to Him and know that it is all going to be alright. As long as I am anchored in Him, I will be ok.
Hebrews 6:15-19 NLT
Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised.
Now when people take an oath, they call on someone greater than themselves to hold them to it. And without any question that oath is binding. God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind. So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.
** As I was writing this, Kari Jobe's song "You Are For Me" began to play on my radio. Just furthering the promise that He hasn't forsaken me. He is faithful. He is true. He is on my side.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Perspective
I sit here in my driveway on a hot and sunny Sunday afternoon. I listen to my girls splashing and playing in our tiny pitiful half blown up swimming pool. Their laughter carries on the breeze and brings life and joy to wherever it reaches. My handsome and ever so handy husband busies himself tinkering away in the garage, building some new project. I look up at the bright blue sky spattered with only a few stretched cotton clouds. The sun is bright and hot against my skin. The breeze brings cool relief from the heat. And all is right with the world.
This past week has been a stressful one. I was turned down for a job position that I believed that I had. I truly thought it was mine. So much so, that I bought new clothes and set daycare up. I started rearranging our schedules to fit this new job into our lives. But, after waiting over a week, I received the email telling me they decided to go another way. In reality, I was one of two top candidates and almost had the job. In my head, I was totally rejected and not good enough.
I probably wouldn't be so worried about it if we weren't a measly 47 days away from saying goodbye to the army for good. This is a rough transition for all who walk this route and all the "should'ves" and "could'ves" won't change that we are on it. So here we go. Down an uncertain and scary road. I admitted to my husband the other day that I am in that place. Scared. I am scared that this was a mistake. I am scared that we are almost among the 1,800 unemployed people searching for jobs in Liberty county. I am not only scared that I don't know how we will pay our bills or where our meals will come from; but I am also scared that my marriage will suffer under the weight of financial struggle.
Mike and I have never had major financial issues. Never been at risk of having our power cut off. Never had to skip a car payment and never been late on our mortgage. Sure, there have been birthdays where we had to spend much less on our girls, or Christmases that we had to choose between buying gifts and going to visit family. But nothing ever detrimental. Nothing ever that caused turmoil in our marriage. I have seen marriages suffer and crumble under the burden of money issues and I never want us to get there. Ever.
I know that God has us. I know that He is in control, even if I am desperately grasping at the steering wheel. He is driving this bus. I know that the reason He didn't give me a job that I thought I should have is because He has a different plan. I don't understand it and I surely don't see where this is going, but I have to trust Him. I have to. Because if I don't, then I am going to drown in this sea of fear with waves of worry pulling me under as each moment passes. Without Him I fail. Every time. With Him in the driver's seat, I know every thing is going to be ok. Because He can't fail. It's impossible.
I felt like a failure all week long. Like I wasn't good enough or worthy enough. Like I had failed myself and my family by not landing this job. But those feelings weren't from God. They were lies being whispered into my heart by the most clever of liars. They were aimed right at my insecurities and they hit the target on the bulls eye.
I have had a feeling that God is trying to tell me something, but for the life of me, I couldn't hear Him. I was neck deep in the word this week desperately seeking to know what He has for me, but my ears and my eyes were clouded with the veil of lies that was being woven each morning when I woke up. It wasn't until this morning that I finally heard His sweet and loving voice.
I walked into church with an expectation that God was going to reveal Himself to me in a way that I couldn't see all week long. He was going to speak to me and it was going to be so good. I was looking for some incredible profound word from Him, but what He gave me was so much simpler. It was so easy and so clear and right in front of me. Why had I missed it?
This past week has been a stressful one. I was turned down for a job position that I believed that I had. I truly thought it was mine. So much so, that I bought new clothes and set daycare up. I started rearranging our schedules to fit this new job into our lives. But, after waiting over a week, I received the email telling me they decided to go another way. In reality, I was one of two top candidates and almost had the job. In my head, I was totally rejected and not good enough.
I probably wouldn't be so worried about it if we weren't a measly 47 days away from saying goodbye to the army for good. This is a rough transition for all who walk this route and all the "should'ves" and "could'ves" won't change that we are on it. So here we go. Down an uncertain and scary road. I admitted to my husband the other day that I am in that place. Scared. I am scared that this was a mistake. I am scared that we are almost among the 1,800 unemployed people searching for jobs in Liberty county. I am not only scared that I don't know how we will pay our bills or where our meals will come from; but I am also scared that my marriage will suffer under the weight of financial struggle.
Mike and I have never had major financial issues. Never been at risk of having our power cut off. Never had to skip a car payment and never been late on our mortgage. Sure, there have been birthdays where we had to spend much less on our girls, or Christmases that we had to choose between buying gifts and going to visit family. But nothing ever detrimental. Nothing ever that caused turmoil in our marriage. I have seen marriages suffer and crumble under the burden of money issues and I never want us to get there. Ever.
I know that God has us. I know that He is in control, even if I am desperately grasping at the steering wheel. He is driving this bus. I know that the reason He didn't give me a job that I thought I should have is because He has a different plan. I don't understand it and I surely don't see where this is going, but I have to trust Him. I have to. Because if I don't, then I am going to drown in this sea of fear with waves of worry pulling me under as each moment passes. Without Him I fail. Every time. With Him in the driver's seat, I know every thing is going to be ok. Because He can't fail. It's impossible.
I felt like a failure all week long. Like I wasn't good enough or worthy enough. Like I had failed myself and my family by not landing this job. But those feelings weren't from God. They were lies being whispered into my heart by the most clever of liars. They were aimed right at my insecurities and they hit the target on the bulls eye.
I have had a feeling that God is trying to tell me something, but for the life of me, I couldn't hear Him. I was neck deep in the word this week desperately seeking to know what He has for me, but my ears and my eyes were clouded with the veil of lies that was being woven each morning when I woke up. It wasn't until this morning that I finally heard His sweet and loving voice.
I walked into church with an expectation that God was going to reveal Himself to me in a way that I couldn't see all week long. He was going to speak to me and it was going to be so good. I was looking for some incredible profound word from Him, but what He gave me was so much simpler. It was so easy and so clear and right in front of me. Why had I missed it?
Oh I heard a thousands stories
Of what they think you're like
But I heard the tender whisper of love
In the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone
My Father just wanted me to know that I am not a failure. That I am not a disappointment. That I haven't and I won't let me family down. He wanted me to know that He is pleased with me and He is always right here with me. Even when I feel alone. When I feel the lies and doubt beginning to cover me like a shroud, I can trust that He is right there. Waiting to reassure me and bring me back to the light and to truth.
He is a "good good Father". It's who He is. And thankfully, we serve an unchanging God. So, He always will be good. So good.
Oh and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
'Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
God already knows what my family needs. He has it all worked out. The pieces are falling into place like an elaborate game of chess. Each piece must move to it's specific place before the next can move to it's. I am glad He is the chess Master and never loses.
So you see, it's all about perspective. I can view my situation as a desperate one. I can wallow in regret and fear and doubt. I can allow it to consume me. Desperately trying to prove myself to my family and friends that I can handle this and that I am good enough. Laying awake at night overcome with useless"what ifs".
.... Or....
I can trust that God has it all under control. I can sit back and reminisce of all the times when hope seemed small, yet He showed up like my superhero and provided for our needs and desires. I can remind myself that He is here with me and that He is never leaving. I can stop worrying about tomorrow and soak up the hot sunshine in my driveway while my girls splash and laugh delightfully. I can look up at the gorgeous landscape and bright blue sky and know that He is perfect in all of His ways.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
My failing heart
My heart and flesh may fail
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion
Forever
Psalm 73:26
My heart and flesh may fail.
What does that even mean? Ok, so my flesh may fail.. that's an easy one. We give in to temptations of the flesh all the time. Lusting after things that feel good. Sex, gluttony, drugs, alcohol, you name it. Whatever makes me feel good at the time. It's not always easy to stand against these temptations and do what we know is right in God's eyes.
But what about my heart?
I will never long for that love again. As long as I continue listening to His quiet and gentle leading. As long as I keep Him first and foremost in my life. As long as I choose to pour out my worship on Him and receive His love in return.
I know that when I desire something so badly, I need to bring it before the Father first. I need to ask Him if this is what He wants. He is faithful and will never fail me. I trust Him even when I don't necessarily agree with Him. I have to. If I don't want to be led astray and wind up flat on my face with my heart broken once again. I have to rely on the One who cares most about my soul, my life, my heart, my wellbeing, my holiness, and my joy. He is the one who will do what is best. Even if my heart disagrees.
I may fail again. It's not even a question. As long as I am in this sinful world and wearing this sinful body, I will fail. But, I cling to the promise that God will be the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
This has been ringing in my ears and I have had to do some serious praying on this.
We are told since we are just little children to follow our hearts. To go where our hearts lead us and to do what our hearts desire. "The heart wants what the heart wants." But what is it that God says about the heart?
Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Luke 12:34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Ezekiel 36: 26-27 I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed. I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.
So here is what we can get from these scriptures. Our hearts should never lead us. Ever. Because the heart can be manipulated. The heart is weak and deceitful. It makes us believe that things are ok because they make us happy. But that's not truth. That's emotion.
I wanted so desperately to be loved and accepted and cherished that just about every guy who flattered me, wound up holding my heart and my body. That is what this verse is referring to. I believed I was in love because he said all the things that my heart longed to hear. He spoke softly and sweetly and touched me with what I believed to be loving hands.
Looking back it's very clear to me that all those times in my life when I was deceived by my poor broken heart, weren't love. Not even close. It was a sad and pitiful substitute and didn't even resemble the real thing. But my heart believed it because it wanted it so desperately.
But God. He has done what He promised. He has taken the broken, bruised, shattered pieces of my heart and He has given me a new one. A better one. He has breathed His Spirit into me and given me the wisdom to recognize real love. Genuine and authentic. The kind of love that is Him. He has shown me what it feels like to receive what I longed for my whole life. He has showered me with the love of a Daddy, a protector, a lover, a friend, a companion.
I fully believe that Holy Spirit causes my heart to speed up in my chest and my breath to quicken. He makes my knees shaky and my hands tremble. He draws the tears out of seemingly nowhere and turns me into a blubbering mess. This is what happens when I allow God to touch my heart. Not man. Not things. God. My entire body and soul react in a way that leaves me completely out of control of my own skin.
I fully believe that Holy Spirit causes my heart to speed up in my chest and my breath to quicken. He makes my knees shaky and my hands tremble. He draws the tears out of seemingly nowhere and turns me into a blubbering mess. This is what happens when I allow God to touch my heart. Not man. Not things. God. My entire body and soul react in a way that leaves me completely out of control of my own skin.
I will never long for that love again. As long as I continue listening to His quiet and gentle leading. As long as I keep Him first and foremost in my life. As long as I choose to pour out my worship on Him and receive His love in return. I know that when I desire something so badly, I need to bring it before the Father first. I need to ask Him if this is what He wants. He is faithful and will never fail me. I trust Him even when I don't necessarily agree with Him. I have to. If I don't want to be led astray and wind up flat on my face with my heart broken once again. I have to rely on the One who cares most about my soul, my life, my heart, my wellbeing, my holiness, and my joy. He is the one who will do what is best. Even if my heart disagrees.
I may fail again. It's not even a question. As long as I am in this sinful world and wearing this sinful body, I will fail. But, I cling to the promise that God will be the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Hope: A feeling of trust.
You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear a sound
My family is suffering. Feeling lost, hopeless, and abandoned. Loneliness grips them and all they can do it breathe and continue on with their schedules and their routines.
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me
One of my sisters is going through daily unimaginable tragedy as she and her family watch her mother in law slowly and violently fade into death's certain arms. Huntington's Disease has wrapped itself around this incredible woman and laid it's claim inside of her. I never had the privilege of knowing this woman before her diagnosis began overtaking her body and morphing her into a shell of who she once was. I know her daughter and I have seen the amazing beauty shining from deep within her. She is incredibly intelligent and has a patient and gentle kindness about her. She has taken her authentic unconditional love and soothed the bitter, angry, and hurting girl inside of my sister. She has shown her the love of God before I ever even knew how. So the woman who raised this amazing and beautiful person must be breathtaking. Behind the violent spasms and constant shaking, I see her intelligent eyes. The beauty and frustration that lies in them while trying to force her mouth to say the words her mind is thinking.
You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope always stands
For You hold me in your hand
My other family members are battling different issues, yet dark and troubling nonetheless. There are hurting hearts, desperate cries, hopelessness, long lonely nights, and fearful days. Doubting the security of their families and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Sitting alone night after night and wondering when they will have a companion to share their life with.
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me
I see them in my mind when I close my eyes, but I think I see them very differently than they see themselves. I see one sitting alone on her bed. Crying and sad. Yearning for someone to fill the empty spaces in her home, in her life, and in her heart. But all around her is not empty space. Not even close. I see wispy white dazzling wind encircling her like a cartoon. I see bright beautiful light filling every corner, forcing out all dark shadows. I see Jesus kneeling before her and gazing up at her with such love and adoration. Waiting patiently for her to notice his presence. For his beloved to feel him there with her.
How deep
How wide
How great is Your love for me
I see another, busying herself with all the cares of her family. Running errands and cleaning floors and hugging her babies. Kissing her husband and asking him about his day. Pasting a smile on her face and struggling so hard to count all these beautiful blessings. Struggling to push the anxieties out of her mind. Trying with everything she has to remember the promises God has made to her and to cling to them. But the lies and the worries creep in through the cracks of every idle moment. Fears of "what ifs". Doubts due to what the world is showing and telling her. Wanting to give up. To raise her white flag and choose to settle for what the world is offering. But I see white, dazzling, glorious light. I see a wispy figure dancing all around her as she moves throughout her home and her life. There is a melody. A rhythm. A musical quality surrounding her. Constantly being sung over her and danced all around her in the spirit realm that her eyes cannot see. At work. In the courtroom. In her home. In her bedroom. In her car. Everywhere. God is rejoicing over her. A daddy overjoyed with his baby girl. He paints beautiful portraits in the sky for her every day. Even in the rain and the snow she recognizes his masterpiece all around her. The only thing she is missing is that when she looks in the mirror she needs to believe that she is His masterpiece.
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me
I see my sister with her family as they go through another day of watching such a marvelous woman crumble to pieces before their eyes. I see them crying in lonely quiet places where they think no one sees. I see them angry and frustrated and ready to walk away. I see their hearts being ripped and torn apart, waiting for the next distraction that will allow them to come up for air. But I also see a great cloud of witnesses surrounding their home and their lives. I see people who have passed on encouraging them and praying for them. I see my Grandma looking proudly on her granddaughter and the strong woman she is forced to be. I see a Daddy gazing at his daughters with so much love. For them to put aside their wants and desires just to be sure that this woman leaves this world with those she loves most surrounding her... it's something to make a daddy puff his chest out and stand tall with pride for his girls. Their sacrifice is seen. It is heard. It echoes throughout Heaven and it's adding onto the glory they will one day experience when they, too, leave this world.
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me
It's in these darkest places that it's hardest to see the light. But I was told recently that a single candlelight can be seen for 30 miles in the darkness. So I will keep praying for my family. I will keep encouraging my family. I will trust that Holy Spirit is filling their hearts and their homes as I type this. Giving them encouragement, comfort, and peace. Having the hope that comes only from Jesus will change everything. Even if that hope is as small as a single candle. It's enough to get you through to the other side of the darkness.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~ Deut 31:8
Monday, April 13, 2015
His Masterpiece
You know how you never notice a certain model of car until you buy one? I never noticed Kia minivans until we bought ours a few years ago. Then suddenly it seemed like everyone was driving one. Bugs too. I never see so many bugs as I do the very day I expect the exterminator to come to spray my house and save me from the wretched beasts.
Well that's how it feels with these lies. Little teeny lies that pop in my head every single day. It's a very consistent and reliable thing really. And now that I am actually acknowledging them, I can remember them going as far back as to when I was little. These lies that try to convince me I am less than who I am. These lies that tell me I am not good enough. That I will never be enough.
These lies that tell me I can't or I won't. I will fail, so why bother trying. I am going to let my children and my husband down. I have let everyone else down, so it's inevitable. Whispering poison into my mind and my heart to bring me down a notch from where my Father has lifted me. Trying to deter me from continuing progress in my purpose for His kingdom.
The thing is, these lies are convincing. They remind me of my past failures and times I have fallen flat on my face. They have evidence to back them up. They bring memories and images to mind of little terrible things I have done or said or thought.
Sometimes these things are big terrible things. Sometimes they are unforgivable things. Detrimental things. Things that didn't just effect me, but those I love. Flashes of my children's faces as they witnessed these terrible things. Thoughts of how badly I have failed them. How they are ruined now because of my mistakes. They have surely inherited not just my eyes, but the ugliest parts of me as well. The dark and angry parts. The broken and bitter parts.
Pretty overwhelming huh? They don't always scream at me like an assault on my heart and soul, but sometimes sneak in through the cracks trying to go undetected. But God. He is showing me and reminding me constantly that although these lies are relentless, so is He. Although these lies whisper poison into my ears, He's given me armor to protect myself. He has given me wisdom and discernment to know and recognize not just His voice, but the voices that aren't Him.
This is not just my battle. I don't fight alone. I know every single one of us fight this same fight. We are all in the trenches. The difference is those of us who choose to acknowledge the war. How can be armed and on guard if we are in denial about where we stand? Worse is those of us who choose to accept defeat. To eat these lies up as they are fed to us. To forget everything that God says and accept the evidence presented to us.
I was just diagnosed with depression last week. This is not the first time this has happened in my life. And this won't be the first time I refuse to accept this diagnosis. These doctors have me check off boxes on a piece of paper and suddenly seem to have all the answers for me. Problem is, their diagnosis is ridiculous. I don't care what the science is behind these checked boxes, I know who I am. I know the state of my mental health, and frankly, anyone who has spent even 5 minutes with me can tell you I am one of the happiest and optimistic people you will meet. Depressed? Ha!
As crazy and ridiculous as it is, the thought has crept into my mind more than once since my doctor's appointment. I am feeling kind of out of it, maybe I really am depressed? How would I know what depression feels like? Maybe this is it? I am cranky lately and tired all the time. Oh no. I must be depressed.... Wrong. Moments later God reminds me. I am not depressed. I am tired. I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I need a nap. **I am not discounting anyone else's diagnosis. I am simply speaking to my personal health and body.
A new and dear friend of mine is being lied to. She has made the bold choice to walk away from a life that led to a constant cycle of pain, brokenness, and heartache. She has chosen to follow Jesus and step out in this crazy world and away from the cycle that has continued to suck the life out of her. This is where the fear and doubt and lies start. She struggles with a fear of falling back into who she was. A fear of making a mistake. Of falling on her face. Of making a wrong turn and winding back right where she started. Lies. All lies.
Here is the thing, when you are stuck in a rut and want out, but stand around worried about the "what ifs", then you aren't moving forward. You aren't climbing out. You are standing still. Too afraid to move. That is right where the lies want you and right where Jesus is reaching out, anxious for you to grab His faithful and steady hand. He can and will pull you out of the rut you've lived in for so long. He will show you a new path paved with grace and mercy. A path of forgiveness for the unforgiveable. A path of beauty made out of the ashes of your former self.
When you begin to doubt who you are. Please take the time and read through these scriptures. Pick out your favorites that really speak to your soul. Write them on a piece of paper and carry it in your purse, wallet, or pocket. Tape it to your bathroom mirror or computer screen at work. Frame it and hang it on your wall. But allow these promises and these truths to echo in the forefront of your mind and drown out the lies. You need proof? You need evidence? Here I am. Living, breathing, walking around, singing His praises proof of what God can do. Look in the mirror. You are proof. You are His masterpiece.
Well that's how it feels with these lies. Little teeny lies that pop in my head every single day. It's a very consistent and reliable thing really. And now that I am actually acknowledging them, I can remember them going as far back as to when I was little. These lies that try to convince me I am less than who I am. These lies that tell me I am not good enough. That I will never be enough.
These lies that tell me I can't or I won't. I will fail, so why bother trying. I am going to let my children and my husband down. I have let everyone else down, so it's inevitable. Whispering poison into my mind and my heart to bring me down a notch from where my Father has lifted me. Trying to deter me from continuing progress in my purpose for His kingdom.
The thing is, these lies are convincing. They remind me of my past failures and times I have fallen flat on my face. They have evidence to back them up. They bring memories and images to mind of little terrible things I have done or said or thought.
Sometimes these things are big terrible things. Sometimes they are unforgivable things. Detrimental things. Things that didn't just effect me, but those I love. Flashes of my children's faces as they witnessed these terrible things. Thoughts of how badly I have failed them. How they are ruined now because of my mistakes. They have surely inherited not just my eyes, but the ugliest parts of me as well. The dark and angry parts. The broken and bitter parts.
Pretty overwhelming huh? They don't always scream at me like an assault on my heart and soul, but sometimes sneak in through the cracks trying to go undetected. But God. He is showing me and reminding me constantly that although these lies are relentless, so is He. Although these lies whisper poison into my ears, He's given me armor to protect myself. He has given me wisdom and discernment to know and recognize not just His voice, but the voices that aren't Him.
This is not just my battle. I don't fight alone. I know every single one of us fight this same fight. We are all in the trenches. The difference is those of us who choose to acknowledge the war. How can be armed and on guard if we are in denial about where we stand? Worse is those of us who choose to accept defeat. To eat these lies up as they are fed to us. To forget everything that God says and accept the evidence presented to us.
I was just diagnosed with depression last week. This is not the first time this has happened in my life. And this won't be the first time I refuse to accept this diagnosis. These doctors have me check off boxes on a piece of paper and suddenly seem to have all the answers for me. Problem is, their diagnosis is ridiculous. I don't care what the science is behind these checked boxes, I know who I am. I know the state of my mental health, and frankly, anyone who has spent even 5 minutes with me can tell you I am one of the happiest and optimistic people you will meet. Depressed? Ha!
As crazy and ridiculous as it is, the thought has crept into my mind more than once since my doctor's appointment. I am feeling kind of out of it, maybe I really am depressed? How would I know what depression feels like? Maybe this is it? I am cranky lately and tired all the time. Oh no. I must be depressed.... Wrong. Moments later God reminds me. I am not depressed. I am tired. I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I need a nap. **I am not discounting anyone else's diagnosis. I am simply speaking to my personal health and body.
A new and dear friend of mine is being lied to. She has made the bold choice to walk away from a life that led to a constant cycle of pain, brokenness, and heartache. She has chosen to follow Jesus and step out in this crazy world and away from the cycle that has continued to suck the life out of her. This is where the fear and doubt and lies start. She struggles with a fear of falling back into who she was. A fear of making a mistake. Of falling on her face. Of making a wrong turn and winding back right where she started. Lies. All lies.
Here is the thing, when you are stuck in a rut and want out, but stand around worried about the "what ifs", then you aren't moving forward. You aren't climbing out. You are standing still. Too afraid to move. That is right where the lies want you and right where Jesus is reaching out, anxious for you to grab His faithful and steady hand. He can and will pull you out of the rut you've lived in for so long. He will show you a new path paved with grace and mercy. A path of forgiveness for the unforgiveable. A path of beauty made out of the ashes of your former self.
When you begin to doubt who you are. Please take the time and read through these scriptures. Pick out your favorites that really speak to your soul. Write them on a piece of paper and carry it in your purse, wallet, or pocket. Tape it to your bathroom mirror or computer screen at work. Frame it and hang it on your wall. But allow these promises and these truths to echo in the forefront of your mind and drown out the lies. You need proof? You need evidence? Here I am. Living, breathing, walking around, singing His praises proof of what God can do. Look in the mirror. You are proof. You are His masterpiece.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Shooting the Messenger
Being a brand new person is amazing. It is liberating and exciting and everything is just better. Food tastes better, my husband is more handsome than ever, the sky is no longer just a backdrop- but a masterpiece that I feel He must've painted just for me. My children's laughter is like music that I could dance to all day. My dogs are softer and gentler and more lovable than ever. Everything is just... better.
But there is a lot of challenge that comes with this new life. This dying to self and choosing to follow Jesus at all costs. All costs. It gets messy sometimes because people don't necessarily understand. They are still living where the sky is a backdrop.
God did some amazing work in me last weekend. A work that I am certain beyond any doubt I will never stray away from. It was an incredible Old Testament kind of experience. Something that cannot be explained with science or reason. But this thing that happened, it opened me up for the next chapter in this faith walk I'm on. With that, God showed me it's time to put down the milk and have some steak. That's right, folks, I started studying the Old Testament. But, since I tend to dance to the beat of my own drum, I didn't begin in Genesis, but in 1 Samuel. And I am so glad I did.
1 Samuel 2:29 NIV
Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?
See God was talking to his high priest, Eli. Eli had a responsibility to God and to His people. His sons were also priests. They were in charge of the offering to God. This offering was so important. It was meant to honor God and was used to seek forgiveness for the sins of all the people. Eli's sons were taking part in the offering before it was offered up to God. This was just one of many selfish and sinful things these men were doing. They were consumed with control, power, and possessions. Their behavior was beyond terrible and punishable by death.
But Eli chose to ignore their behavior. He was very well aware of it, but he loved his sons. He didn't want the responsibility of having to execute them. He chastised them, but they continued in their ways and Eli continued ignoring them. The actions of these men ruined their lives, as well as the lives of many others. Yet Eli turned his cheek and chose to let it be...
Eli had a responsibility that extended way beyond being a father. He was the high priest in charge of the priests below him. He chose to honor his sons and fellow priests instead of honoring God. By doing nothing he was just as guilty as they were.
This really got me thinking about my own life and my relationships. I am a follower of Jesus. Which means I have chosen to throw the cares of this world away and give everything to Him. At all costs, remember? There have been times when I have been in a situation where I had the option of honoring God, or honoring my friend/husband/child. I had to choose. Is my relationship with this person more important that God? Am I willing to dishonor my Creator, my God, my Daddy, my best friend just so I don't hurt this person's feelings or make them angry with me?
Joshua 24:15 NIV
But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then chose this day whom you will serve....
Yeah. Seriously. It's at those moments. In those tough situations, where God whispers, "Choose." I have grown to a point in my life that I have decided to stop caring what people think about me. My only concern is whether Jesus will be shaking his head or applauding my next move. I live and move and breathe to glorify Him and Him only. This is hard for those of you who knew the old me. The me who would agree to anything just because I didn't want to seem close-minded. The me who would jump through hoops and stretch myself thin just to make sure that you liked me.
I am not in any way saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I am not going to screw up. After all, we are all jacked up! We all fall short of the glory of God. But, when I decide to call you out when you bring your junk to me; When I decide to love you enough to be the one to not pat you on the back and tell you what you did or are doing is ok, then please know where my heart is. I love you enough to want your life to glorify God. I love you enough to want you seated at that banquet with me. I love you enough to help hold you up and keep you pointed in the right direction. I love you enough to care more about your soul than your feelings. And I pray that you love me enough to do the same.
I don't want to tell you my opinions. I don't want to tell you my views. I want to tell you His truth. His Word. That's all. If what I say to you doesn't line up with the Word, then by all means.. call me out. Help me stay on the path too. But, know my heart is FOR you. Not against you. I know who I used to be and I know I never want to see that broken person ever again. If I start looking back at her... Call. Me. Out. Remind me who I am. Love me enough to risk my feelings for my holiness.
But there is a lot of challenge that comes with this new life. This dying to self and choosing to follow Jesus at all costs. All costs. It gets messy sometimes because people don't necessarily understand. They are still living where the sky is a backdrop.
God did some amazing work in me last weekend. A work that I am certain beyond any doubt I will never stray away from. It was an incredible Old Testament kind of experience. Something that cannot be explained with science or reason. But this thing that happened, it opened me up for the next chapter in this faith walk I'm on. With that, God showed me it's time to put down the milk and have some steak. That's right, folks, I started studying the Old Testament. But, since I tend to dance to the beat of my own drum, I didn't begin in Genesis, but in 1 Samuel. And I am so glad I did.
1 Samuel 2:29 NIV
Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?
See God was talking to his high priest, Eli. Eli had a responsibility to God and to His people. His sons were also priests. They were in charge of the offering to God. This offering was so important. It was meant to honor God and was used to seek forgiveness for the sins of all the people. Eli's sons were taking part in the offering before it was offered up to God. This was just one of many selfish and sinful things these men were doing. They were consumed with control, power, and possessions. Their behavior was beyond terrible and punishable by death.
But Eli chose to ignore their behavior. He was very well aware of it, but he loved his sons. He didn't want the responsibility of having to execute them. He chastised them, but they continued in their ways and Eli continued ignoring them. The actions of these men ruined their lives, as well as the lives of many others. Yet Eli turned his cheek and chose to let it be...
Eli had a responsibility that extended way beyond being a father. He was the high priest in charge of the priests below him. He chose to honor his sons and fellow priests instead of honoring God. By doing nothing he was just as guilty as they were.
This really got me thinking about my own life and my relationships. I am a follower of Jesus. Which means I have chosen to throw the cares of this world away and give everything to Him. At all costs, remember? There have been times when I have been in a situation where I had the option of honoring God, or honoring my friend/husband/child. I had to choose. Is my relationship with this person more important that God? Am I willing to dishonor my Creator, my God, my Daddy, my best friend just so I don't hurt this person's feelings or make them angry with me?
Joshua 24:15 NIV
But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then chose this day whom you will serve....
Yeah. Seriously. It's at those moments. In those tough situations, where God whispers, "Choose." I have grown to a point in my life that I have decided to stop caring what people think about me. My only concern is whether Jesus will be shaking his head or applauding my next move. I live and move and breathe to glorify Him and Him only. This is hard for those of you who knew the old me. The me who would agree to anything just because I didn't want to seem close-minded. The me who would jump through hoops and stretch myself thin just to make sure that you liked me.
I am not in any way saying that I am perfect. I am not saying that I am not going to screw up. After all, we are all jacked up! We all fall short of the glory of God. But, when I decide to call you out when you bring your junk to me; When I decide to love you enough to be the one to not pat you on the back and tell you what you did or are doing is ok, then please know where my heart is. I love you enough to want your life to glorify God. I love you enough to want you seated at that banquet with me. I love you enough to help hold you up and keep you pointed in the right direction. I love you enough to care more about your soul than your feelings. And I pray that you love me enough to do the same.
I don't want to tell you my opinions. I don't want to tell you my views. I want to tell you His truth. His Word. That's all. If what I say to you doesn't line up with the Word, then by all means.. call me out. Help me stay on the path too. But, know my heart is FOR you. Not against you. I know who I used to be and I know I never want to see that broken person ever again. If I start looking back at her... Call. Me. Out. Remind me who I am. Love me enough to risk my feelings for my holiness.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Something amazing this way comes
Something is happening. I don't know what, but I know it's coming. It has already begun and it's going to be huge. I feel a sense of anticipation. Butterflies in my stomach like meeting that cute guy for your first date. It gets so overwhelming at times that my jaw clenches and I can't hardly stand it.
There is a different feeling at church the last few weeks. I can't put my finger on exactly what, but something has shifted. There is a change in the atmosphere and it's intriguing. Exciting. I begin to feel it on the way to church, and it builds as I pull into the parking lot, and even more so as I walk into the building. It's the expectation. It's the anticipation that something huge is happening. Something I can't see, but I can most certainly feel it.
Walking into the room I begin to worship (cause let's face it, I am probably at least a few minutes late- so it's already begun). The instruments play together beautifully, giving out such a perfect sound. Our worship team sings like their voices were made for each other. Nothing is out of place. Every song played is exactly the song that I needed to hear. Every word sang and spoken over the crowd is the words that my soul needed at this very moment.
I close my eyes and silently ask God to wipe me clean and pour into my heart. Refill me, Lord, of all that you are, so I can pour out only what is good. As the songs continue to hit home, I raise my hands in worship. I feel the hot tears running down my cheeks and I surrender all that is weighing down my heart and I leave it at His feet. It's none of my business anymore. I listen to words glorifying my Father and I am overwhelmed by a sense of awe that He would choose to love me.
With every moment and every tear, I feel more at home. At peace. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says: Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. I am here to tell you how very true that is. I feel free. Completely unchained to the burdens of this life and this world. Completely at peace with who I am and where I am. With my eyes closed and my heart open, I am home.
With this incredible feeling of freedom, I begin to feel the weight of His glory. I am so in awe of His holiness and His goodness and His love. My knees begin to shake and I hear the gentle whisper in my heart encouraging me to really surrender. I fall to my knees and bow before the Almighty. Psalms 95:6 says: Come, let us bow down in worship; let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker.
It's a spiritual heaviness that is drawing me to my knees. I want to fully humble myself and surrender all that I am to my King. Once there, the tears really get going. It's a kind of release that is only furthering my freedom. It's pent up emotion- frustration, anger, resentment, happiness, love, joyfulness. It's all coming out in a whirlwind that I didn't even know I needed. It's that emptying that I asked God for. "Empty me of me, so that I can be filled with you." That's what this is.
I rise to my feet again as the music takes an upbeat turn. I am so light and free that I can almost bet I will start floating. I dance and sing to my Daddy and I feel a joy that I can't find with anyone else. I get a sort of high that no drug can compare to. I close my eyes as my body moves with the music and a moment later I see it. A cloud. Completely surrounding the entire room. It is white and fluffy and airy, but dense with a thickness of so many people. I can't see faces. I can only see shapes. There are hundreds or more of these "cloud people" surrounding us and worshiping with us.
Instantly I recognize the scripture, but I have to read it to see what God is really showing me. Hebrews 12:1 says: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses... hmm. I feel an urging to read the Message version and it almost knocks me off my feet.
Hebrews 12:1-3 MSG
Do you see what this means? All these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!
Yes! Thank you God for reminding me. For showing me. Those pioneers? Those witnesses? Those veterans? My grandma is in there. My babies that I have lost- they're in there too. Cheering me on. Worshipping alongside me in church on Sunday, in my car as I drive, in my living room as I clean, and all the while cheering for me in this race. They are encouraging me when I fall down to get back up. They are applauding every time I choose Jesus. Every time I make the bold step to stand for Him, and not be swayed with my circumstances or by the things of this world.
I had my glimpse of Heaven. In fact, I am finding that the more I keep my eyes focused on Him- the more glimpses I have. Heaven isn't about what you can see. It's about what you can feel. Unless you make the choice to allow God into your heart, I don't see how you can feel Him. His presence. His freedom. I pray every one reading this figures out a way to be bold enough. To be courageous enough to allow Him to break through the barrier and into the deepest places in your heart. I promise, as scary as it is to let your guard down, and to become vulnerable- He will not abuse you. He will not treat you badly. He will tenderly show you what kind of a doctor He is. He will heal your brokenness. While healing almost always comes with some pain, He will hold you through it. His love is like a medicine. Easing your pain and curing your ailments.
Something big is coming. It's already here and it's changing things. The atmosphere is changing. The dynamic is changing. Something is happening. I am thrilled to be in the front row to experience it. I pray you decide to accept tickets to this show, cause "It's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of HIM"!
Ephesians 1:15-19 MSG
That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
There is a different feeling at church the last few weeks. I can't put my finger on exactly what, but something has shifted. There is a change in the atmosphere and it's intriguing. Exciting. I begin to feel it on the way to church, and it builds as I pull into the parking lot, and even more so as I walk into the building. It's the expectation. It's the anticipation that something huge is happening. Something I can't see, but I can most certainly feel it.
Walking into the room I begin to worship (cause let's face it, I am probably at least a few minutes late- so it's already begun). The instruments play together beautifully, giving out such a perfect sound. Our worship team sings like their voices were made for each other. Nothing is out of place. Every song played is exactly the song that I needed to hear. Every word sang and spoken over the crowd is the words that my soul needed at this very moment.
I close my eyes and silently ask God to wipe me clean and pour into my heart. Refill me, Lord, of all that you are, so I can pour out only what is good. As the songs continue to hit home, I raise my hands in worship. I feel the hot tears running down my cheeks and I surrender all that is weighing down my heart and I leave it at His feet. It's none of my business anymore. I listen to words glorifying my Father and I am overwhelmed by a sense of awe that He would choose to love me.
With every moment and every tear, I feel more at home. At peace. 2 Corinthians 3:17 says: Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. I am here to tell you how very true that is. I feel free. Completely unchained to the burdens of this life and this world. Completely at peace with who I am and where I am. With my eyes closed and my heart open, I am home.
With this incredible feeling of freedom, I begin to feel the weight of His glory. I am so in awe of His holiness and His goodness and His love. My knees begin to shake and I hear the gentle whisper in my heart encouraging me to really surrender. I fall to my knees and bow before the Almighty. Psalms 95:6 says: Come, let us bow down in worship; let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker.
It's a spiritual heaviness that is drawing me to my knees. I want to fully humble myself and surrender all that I am to my King. Once there, the tears really get going. It's a kind of release that is only furthering my freedom. It's pent up emotion- frustration, anger, resentment, happiness, love, joyfulness. It's all coming out in a whirlwind that I didn't even know I needed. It's that emptying that I asked God for. "Empty me of me, so that I can be filled with you." That's what this is.
I rise to my feet again as the music takes an upbeat turn. I am so light and free that I can almost bet I will start floating. I dance and sing to my Daddy and I feel a joy that I can't find with anyone else. I get a sort of high that no drug can compare to. I close my eyes as my body moves with the music and a moment later I see it. A cloud. Completely surrounding the entire room. It is white and fluffy and airy, but dense with a thickness of so many people. I can't see faces. I can only see shapes. There are hundreds or more of these "cloud people" surrounding us and worshiping with us.
Instantly I recognize the scripture, but I have to read it to see what God is really showing me. Hebrews 12:1 says: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses... hmm. I feel an urging to read the Message version and it almost knocks me off my feet.
Hebrews 12:1-3 MSG
Do you see what this means? All these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!
Yes! Thank you God for reminding me. For showing me. Those pioneers? Those witnesses? Those veterans? My grandma is in there. My babies that I have lost- they're in there too. Cheering me on. Worshipping alongside me in church on Sunday, in my car as I drive, in my living room as I clean, and all the while cheering for me in this race. They are encouraging me when I fall down to get back up. They are applauding every time I choose Jesus. Every time I make the bold step to stand for Him, and not be swayed with my circumstances or by the things of this world.
I had my glimpse of Heaven. In fact, I am finding that the more I keep my eyes focused on Him- the more glimpses I have. Heaven isn't about what you can see. It's about what you can feel. Unless you make the choice to allow God into your heart, I don't see how you can feel Him. His presence. His freedom. I pray every one reading this figures out a way to be bold enough. To be courageous enough to allow Him to break through the barrier and into the deepest places in your heart. I promise, as scary as it is to let your guard down, and to become vulnerable- He will not abuse you. He will not treat you badly. He will tenderly show you what kind of a doctor He is. He will heal your brokenness. While healing almost always comes with some pain, He will hold you through it. His love is like a medicine. Easing your pain and curing your ailments.
Something big is coming. It's already here and it's changing things. The atmosphere is changing. The dynamic is changing. Something is happening. I am thrilled to be in the front row to experience it. I pray you decide to accept tickets to this show, cause "It's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of HIM"!
Ephesians 1:15-19 MSG
That’s why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the followers of Jesus, I couldn’t stop thanking God for you—every time I prayed, I’d think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
And it all falls down
Every military wife knows the rules of deployment. As soon as he is gone, what can go wrong- will. The day after he leaves, the car breaks down and the tires are all suddenly bald. When you get home, the washing machine has flooded your entire down stairs, while the toilet is overflowing upstairs because the 2 year old flushed a My Little Pony. Again. Then the weather shifts, as it does daily in Southern Georgia, and while it was 40 degrees yesterday, it is suddenly a sunny 78 degrees. This requires you to switch from heat to AC, only to discover your HVAC took a dump. It's these kind of fluke incidents that all gather together and hang out until your husband leaves, then they all decide to show up in your life unannounced and unwanted. Well, this seems to apply to field trainings as well. Lucky me.
My incredible and gorgeous man, who I realize now just how much I take for granted, left a couple weeks ago for field training. He is literally right down the road, but can not come home. We can not see him. He is living, eating, not showering, and acting as if he was deployed. After all, it's training right? Poor guy is sleeping out in the freezing cold temperatures, walking around with monkey butt because there are no showers in the middle of a random field on Ft Stewart, eating what can only be described as astronaut food from a bag, and I don't even want to know what kind of sparkling clean port-a-potty he gets to share with a few hundred other guys. And yet, sometimes I wish I could trade places with him.
Pitiful, right? What on earth could be so bad that I would want to sit my bare naked bum (let's be honest, I would squat. There is no way I will ever sit on a port-a-potty seat.) on a seat that hundreds of filthy men use every day?! Well, where should I begin?
Mike left on a Monday. The night before he left, my best friend dropped off her two little girls for the week. She had a business trip in Texas and she knew she would get her girls back in one piece if she left them with me, so here they stayed. That Monday everything went smoothly. I got all the kids off to school on time and got back home and made breakfast for my two tiny two year olds. Unless you have twins, you probably haven't experienced this before- not by yourself for an extended period of time. It was such a roller coaster. Hilarious one minute, frustrating the next, exhausting, blissful, hilarious again, then mostly exhausting by the end of the day.
Well Monday is the day I found Jack digging in my trash. Jack is a stray dog who was clearly abused and neglected by whatever jerk who was responsible for him. But he finally took to me and the last 2 weeks I have grown to love him.
So, let's recap here. 7 girls for a week. Ages 12,10,8,5,4,2, and 2. 3 dogs that have their own quirks and high maintenance issues, plus a stray dog that brings a whole new set of high maintenance issues. A house that doesn't seem so big with all of us in it, until it's cleaning time. Then it may as well be the freaking Taj Mahal. All of this with no partner to share the load. Alone. Just me. Solo. Yuck.
My girls are all jacked. Hazel started being terrible the day after Mike left. She is not listening, talking back, being grumpy and fussy. She cries for her daddy here and there every single day. She spends a lot of time calling him and Face Timing with him, but it's not enough. Sophia has been whiny and snotty since he left too. She cried a lot when he left and didn't understand why he wasn't coming right home. Lila has been crying every single day before school saying she doesn't want to go (there is no bullying, I have had extensive talks and even talked with her teacher, and everyone - even Lila- says no bullying). Grace is clingier than normal which is saying something. She is basically halfway back in my womb. Luci is even showing some changes. Wanting to sleep in my room (she never wants to) and just be with me as much as she can.
The extra kids were no problem. They actually were great. They played well with my girls and kept them busy. The two year olds were getting more and more sick of each other as the week went on and by the last couple of days, I had officially become a referee. Hurricane Hazel was in full out "mine" mode. The batteries were hers. The bathroom drawers were hers. The lint in the dryer was hers. Everything was hers and if little Baby Grace even looked at it, HH wanted to end her. And Baby Grace don't take no crap, let me tell you. I could've sold tickets to that fight... instead I distracted them with fruit snacks. A lot of fruit snacks.
The extra dog really isn't a huge problem except that he digs out of the yard. That is annoying because while I think it would be awesome for him to run around the huge yard and play unattended... I actually have to watch him like a hawk. He busted the bottom of the gate on my fence and I wanted to bust him. I decided, fine. You don't like it here.. then go. Until I stormed into the house and saw his sweet little jerk face in the front window staring at me and wondering when I was going to let him in. Geez. Little loyal adorable jerk. I forgave him. But my fence is still busted and it's added to the Honey Do list that is ever growing.
My husband and I completed out foster care training classes before he left. Woohoo! We had our graduation (basically just an hour of a bunch of people telling us things that we really already learned in the classes, then being handed our certificate of completion, and eating food and cake that us students had to provide for everyone) last Tuesday and we were able to bring our kids. I brought 7. And no husband. Once the excruciating hour was up and we were onto the eating portion, I decided we needed to cut and run early. Four of my kids were running around, while two more chased them. One was screaming and crying because her tummy hurt. It was time to go. Now. Only.. where were my keys? Oh no. Locked in the car. That's where. Or at least I hope, because I can't find them after searching every corner in that place and every purse and bag and trash can. After calling and waiting for a few different people, I finally called a locksmith who said he would come but I had to pay cash only. Crap. Luckily my child had a $100 bill on her from Christmas money. Normally I would be cranky that she was carrying that kind of money around, and I started to mention it, then I realized how her irresponsibility saved all our bums, and I shut my mouth. The keys were thankfully in the car, and after waiting an hour and a half after the class we were free and on the road.
The security system in my home is down and brought my entire phone system down with it, so after many phone calls, tech visits, and arguments, I finally got the phone fixed and an appointment tomorrow for the security company to come out and fix things between 12am and 11pm.
Then yesterday Grace hounds me to make her a doctor appointment. Why? You think you feel a scratch in your throat and are convinced you somehow must have ebola?! No. Close. She stubbed her toe at church 2 weeks ago. Oh Lord. Walk it off kid. Or at least, that is what I have been telling her for the last 2 weeks. Fine. I bring her into the doctor and sure enough. Broken toe. Go figure. So after 2 days of missing school, we now have a giant boot that is the size of half her leg and a very satisfied Grace. She's thrilled, thankfully, because otherwise she might be disappointed in the lack of mothering I gave her when I was telling her to walk it off on a fractured foot instead of taking her into the doctor like a good mom.
I want to sit here and tell you that Jesus has given me great strength and comfort through all this, but the reality is the opposite. Not because of Jesus, but because of me. I took on so much that I didn't have time to do my morning reading in the Word and start my day off like I normally do. My mind and my life has been so busy that I haven't taken the time to just stop and talk to Him. My life has been chaotic, crazy, undesirable, and hectic. It is a wonder that I am not an alcoholic. Seriously. I don't even have wine in the house. (Note to self: get a bottle of wine, just in case.)
I did start reading in the mornings again after the two girls went back with my friend. I realized the dramatic difference in my days, in my attitudes, in my whole mood and tone. It's crazy the difference and I apologize to those that had to even be around me on those days that I missed my "Jesus Time". I just pray tomorrow doesn't bring a flood or a hurricane or a fire. Lord. No fires. I just want things to chill out until Mike is back. Then they can go wild, cause I will have him to shake me and remind me to calm down and trust God.
That's right, Mike. You balance me. You keep me sane in a very chaotic life. Not just me, but our entire family. We need you to balance all of us. To lead us and guide us and keep us together. You help me more than I give you credit for around here. And on terrible days when I want to pull my hair out, you pour me a glass of wine and send me to bed. I miss that a lot. Like. A. Lot. So stay warm, use a lot of hand sanitizer after using those potties, and hurry home.
My incredible and gorgeous man, who I realize now just how much I take for granted, left a couple weeks ago for field training. He is literally right down the road, but can not come home. We can not see him. He is living, eating, not showering, and acting as if he was deployed. After all, it's training right? Poor guy is sleeping out in the freezing cold temperatures, walking around with monkey butt because there are no showers in the middle of a random field on Ft Stewart, eating what can only be described as astronaut food from a bag, and I don't even want to know what kind of sparkling clean port-a-potty he gets to share with a few hundred other guys. And yet, sometimes I wish I could trade places with him.
Pitiful, right? What on earth could be so bad that I would want to sit my bare naked bum (let's be honest, I would squat. There is no way I will ever sit on a port-a-potty seat.) on a seat that hundreds of filthy men use every day?! Well, where should I begin?
Mike left on a Monday. The night before he left, my best friend dropped off her two little girls for the week. She had a business trip in Texas and she knew she would get her girls back in one piece if she left them with me, so here they stayed. That Monday everything went smoothly. I got all the kids off to school on time and got back home and made breakfast for my two tiny two year olds. Unless you have twins, you probably haven't experienced this before- not by yourself for an extended period of time. It was such a roller coaster. Hilarious one minute, frustrating the next, exhausting, blissful, hilarious again, then mostly exhausting by the end of the day.
So, let's recap here. 7 girls for a week. Ages 12,10,8,5,4,2, and 2. 3 dogs that have their own quirks and high maintenance issues, plus a stray dog that brings a whole new set of high maintenance issues. A house that doesn't seem so big with all of us in it, until it's cleaning time. Then it may as well be the freaking Taj Mahal. All of this with no partner to share the load. Alone. Just me. Solo. Yuck.
My girls are all jacked. Hazel started being terrible the day after Mike left. She is not listening, talking back, being grumpy and fussy. She cries for her daddy here and there every single day. She spends a lot of time calling him and Face Timing with him, but it's not enough. Sophia has been whiny and snotty since he left too. She cried a lot when he left and didn't understand why he wasn't coming right home. Lila has been crying every single day before school saying she doesn't want to go (there is no bullying, I have had extensive talks and even talked with her teacher, and everyone - even Lila- says no bullying). Grace is clingier than normal which is saying something. She is basically halfway back in my womb. Luci is even showing some changes. Wanting to sleep in my room (she never wants to) and just be with me as much as she can.
The extra kids were no problem. They actually were great. They played well with my girls and kept them busy. The two year olds were getting more and more sick of each other as the week went on and by the last couple of days, I had officially become a referee. Hurricane Hazel was in full out "mine" mode. The batteries were hers. The bathroom drawers were hers. The lint in the dryer was hers. Everything was hers and if little Baby Grace even looked at it, HH wanted to end her. And Baby Grace don't take no crap, let me tell you. I could've sold tickets to that fight... instead I distracted them with fruit snacks. A lot of fruit snacks. The extra dog really isn't a huge problem except that he digs out of the yard. That is annoying because while I think it would be awesome for him to run around the huge yard and play unattended... I actually have to watch him like a hawk. He busted the bottom of the gate on my fence and I wanted to bust him. I decided, fine. You don't like it here.. then go. Until I stormed into the house and saw his sweet little jerk face in the front window staring at me and wondering when I was going to let him in. Geez. Little loyal adorable jerk. I forgave him. But my fence is still busted and it's added to the Honey Do list that is ever growing.
My husband and I completed out foster care training classes before he left. Woohoo! We had our graduation (basically just an hour of a bunch of people telling us things that we really already learned in the classes, then being handed our certificate of completion, and eating food and cake that us students had to provide for everyone) last Tuesday and we were able to bring our kids. I brought 7. And no husband. Once the excruciating hour was up and we were onto the eating portion, I decided we needed to cut and run early. Four of my kids were running around, while two more chased them. One was screaming and crying because her tummy hurt. It was time to go. Now. Only.. where were my keys? Oh no. Locked in the car. That's where. Or at least I hope, because I can't find them after searching every corner in that place and every purse and bag and trash can. After calling and waiting for a few different people, I finally called a locksmith who said he would come but I had to pay cash only. Crap. Luckily my child had a $100 bill on her from Christmas money. Normally I would be cranky that she was carrying that kind of money around, and I started to mention it, then I realized how her irresponsibility saved all our bums, and I shut my mouth. The keys were thankfully in the car, and after waiting an hour and a half after the class we were free and on the road.
The security system in my home is down and brought my entire phone system down with it, so after many phone calls, tech visits, and arguments, I finally got the phone fixed and an appointment tomorrow for the security company to come out and fix things between 12am and 11pm.
Then yesterday Grace hounds me to make her a doctor appointment. Why? You think you feel a scratch in your throat and are convinced you somehow must have ebola?! No. Close. She stubbed her toe at church 2 weeks ago. Oh Lord. Walk it off kid. Or at least, that is what I have been telling her for the last 2 weeks. Fine. I bring her into the doctor and sure enough. Broken toe. Go figure. So after 2 days of missing school, we now have a giant boot that is the size of half her leg and a very satisfied Grace. She's thrilled, thankfully, because otherwise she might be disappointed in the lack of mothering I gave her when I was telling her to walk it off on a fractured foot instead of taking her into the doctor like a good mom.
I want to sit here and tell you that Jesus has given me great strength and comfort through all this, but the reality is the opposite. Not because of Jesus, but because of me. I took on so much that I didn't have time to do my morning reading in the Word and start my day off like I normally do. My mind and my life has been so busy that I haven't taken the time to just stop and talk to Him. My life has been chaotic, crazy, undesirable, and hectic. It is a wonder that I am not an alcoholic. Seriously. I don't even have wine in the house. (Note to self: get a bottle of wine, just in case.)
I did start reading in the mornings again after the two girls went back with my friend. I realized the dramatic difference in my days, in my attitudes, in my whole mood and tone. It's crazy the difference and I apologize to those that had to even be around me on those days that I missed my "Jesus Time". I just pray tomorrow doesn't bring a flood or a hurricane or a fire. Lord. No fires. I just want things to chill out until Mike is back. Then they can go wild, cause I will have him to shake me and remind me to calm down and trust God.That's right, Mike. You balance me. You keep me sane in a very chaotic life. Not just me, but our entire family. We need you to balance all of us. To lead us and guide us and keep us together. You help me more than I give you credit for around here. And on terrible days when I want to pull my hair out, you pour me a glass of wine and send me to bed. I miss that a lot. Like. A. Lot. So stay warm, use a lot of hand sanitizer after using those potties, and hurry home.
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