His Masterpiece

You know how you never notice a certain model of car until you buy one? I never noticed Kia minivans until we bought ours a few years ago. Then suddenly it seemed like everyone was driving one. Bugs too. I never see so many bugs as I do the very day I expect the exterminator to come to spray my house and save me from the wretched beasts.

Well that's how it feels with these lies. Little teeny lies that pop in my head every single day. It's a very consistent and reliable thing really. And now that I am actually acknowledging them, I can remember them going as far back as to when I was little. These lies that try to convince me I am less than who I am. These lies that tell me I am not good enough. That I will never be enough.

These lies that tell me I can't or I won't. I will fail, so why bother trying. I am going to let my children and my husband down. I have let everyone else down, so it's inevitable. Whispering poison into my mind and my heart to bring me down a notch from where my Father has lifted me. Trying to deter me from continuing progress in my purpose for His kingdom.

The thing is, these lies are convincing. They remind me of my past failures and times I have fallen flat on my face. They have evidence to back them up. They bring memories and images to mind of little terrible things I have done or said or thought.

Sometimes these things are big terrible things. Sometimes they are unforgivable things. Detrimental things. Things that didn't just effect me, but those I love. Flashes of my children's faces as they witnessed these terrible things. Thoughts of how badly I have failed them. How they are ruined now because of my mistakes. They have surely inherited not just my eyes, but the ugliest parts of me as well. The dark and angry parts. The broken and bitter parts.

Pretty overwhelming huh? They don't always scream at me like an assault on my heart and soul, but sometimes sneak in through the cracks trying to go undetected. But God. He is showing me and reminding me constantly that although these lies are relentless, so is He. Although these lies whisper poison into my ears, He's given me armor to protect myself. He has given me wisdom and discernment to know and recognize not just His voice, but the voices that aren't Him.

This is not just my battle. I don't fight alone. I know every single one of us fight this same fight. We are all in the trenches. The difference is those of us who choose to acknowledge the war. How can be armed and on guard if we are in denial about where we stand? Worse is those of us who choose to accept defeat. To eat these lies up as they are fed to us. To forget everything that God says and accept the evidence presented to us.

I was just diagnosed with depression last week. This is not the first time this has happened in my life. And this won't be the first time I refuse to accept this diagnosis. These doctors have me check off boxes on a piece of paper and suddenly seem to have all the answers for me. Problem is, their diagnosis is ridiculous. I don't care what the science is behind these checked boxes, I know who I am. I know the state of my mental health, and frankly, anyone who has spent even 5 minutes with me can tell you I am one of the happiest and optimistic people you will meet. Depressed? Ha! 

As crazy and ridiculous as it is, the thought has crept into my mind more than once since my doctor's appointment. I am feeling kind of out of it, maybe I really am depressed? How would I know what depression feels like? Maybe this is it? I am cranky lately and tired all the time. Oh no. I must be depressed.... Wrong. Moments later God reminds me. I am not depressed. I am tired. I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I need a nap. **I am not discounting anyone else's diagnosis. I am simply speaking to my personal health and body.  

A new and dear friend of mine is being lied to. She has made the bold choice to walk away from a life that led to a constant cycle of pain, brokenness, and heartache. She has chosen to follow Jesus and step out in this crazy world and away from the cycle that has continued to suck the life out of her. This is where the fear and doubt and lies start. She struggles with a fear of falling back into who she was. A fear of making a mistake. Of falling on her face. Of making a wrong turn and winding back right where she started. Lies. All lies.

Here is the thing, when you are stuck in a rut and want out, but stand around worried about the "what ifs", then you aren't moving forward. You aren't climbing out. You are standing still. Too afraid to move. That is right where the lies want you and right where Jesus is reaching out, anxious for you to grab His faithful and steady hand. He can and will pull you out of the rut you've lived in for so long. He will show you a new path paved with grace and mercy. A path of forgiveness for the unforgiveable. A path of beauty made out of the ashes of your former self.

When you begin to doubt who you are. Please take the time and read through these scriptures. Pick out your favorites that really speak to your soul. Write them on a piece of paper and carry it in your purse, wallet, or pocket. Tape it to your bathroom mirror or computer screen at work. Frame it and hang it on your wall. But allow these promises and these truths to echo in the forefront of your mind and drown out the lies. You need proof? You need evidence? Here I am. Living, breathing, walking around, singing His praises proof of what God can do. Look in the mirror. You are proof. You are His masterpiece.