Just Us

My family decided they wanted to leave me. And they left. Ok, that is pretty overdramatic. The reality is that my family drove up to Minnesota for a couple of weeks to visit while Mike is in between jobs. I couldn't go, as I have only just started a new job position that I love and have no desire to jeopardize.

I know what you're thinking, because literally every person that I have told about this has said the same thing. Freedom! Peace and quiet! No kids, no messes, no crying, no whining, no nothing. While I do still have 2 dogs home with me to take care of, that takes all of 5 minutes total to let them in and out and feed and water them daily. It's basically nothing. So, yes. I am free for a couple of weeks.

My reaction to them leaving was not even close to what people had expected. I was cranky and sad and scared. I didn't want to be all alone. I never understood what the big deal of solitary confinement was in prison, until this happened. I was in my own solitary. It's not fun going from a life filled with noise and laughter and kids flipping around and showing you their latest tricks and snuggling and kissing you to nothing. Just nothing. It's weird and hard to embrace.

I was secretly mad at my husband for going. I did not tell him this. In fact, he asked me about a dozen times if this was ok. If I was ok with all this. And I said, of course! I want him to go and visit with family and enjoy a vacation before he dives into another career. I want him to go fishing and camping and do all the fun stuff that he missed the last few summers because he was deployed or out on training. But secretly I wanted him here waiting for me when I got home from my amazing job with a handsome smile on his face and dinner cooking and the kids all showered and dressed neatly... Ok.. I can't even keep a straight face while typing this. But a fantasy is a fantasy right?

He left last Thursday and my heart ached the entire day. He brought the kids to say goodbye to me at work before they headed out. I thought about trying to convince my 5 year old that she would be too sad without me and she should just stay home with me. Actually, I asked her a couple of times if she was sure she wanted to go. But, I decided manipulating my own daughter is a horribly selfish and desperate move that even in my darkest moments, I don't want to be guilty of. So I kissed them all goodbye and I dealt with the brick sitting on my heart the rest of the day.

I went home that night, I walked in the house, I closed the door behind me, and I stood there. There was nothing. Silence. This rarely happens in my house. It was weird. But I kicked off my shoes and decided to relax. Alone. I dreaded it. But, it was actually pretty nice. I could watch my own shows. I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to share. Maybe this whole thing wouldn't be so bad? I was nervous all day about going to sleep. In the past, when Mike has been gone, I have tossed and turned and slept with the bathroom light on because I was convinced something or someone was going to get in the house and try to rape, kill, or kidnap all of us. Too many horror movies? Maybe.

That first night I slept better than I have slept in a long time. No tossing or turning whatsoever. The following night? Yep. Even better! I have decided that single, non-parent people probably get the best sleep. It makes sense because in my mommy subconscious, I am always listening for my babies. Even in my sleep. A part of my brain stays alert to hear for a baby crying or a little girl terrified from a bad dream. I don't have to worry about all that right now, so I am sleeping like I haven't slept maybe ever. It's incredible.

I have been really enjoying myself since my family left. The house has stayed relatively clean the entire time. I only had to do one load of laundry and take the trash out once in a whole weeks time! This is amazing new territory for me. 

I went to church on Sunday and worshipped like my soul depended on it. No little girl holding onto my arm and telling me she needed a drink or to go potty. I didn't worry about where my kids were or if they were doing what they were supposed to. My one and only focus was Jesus. I was able to just be with Him. I fell on my face that day, sobbing. Not because I was sad, but because I was so grateful for who He is. For what He's done in my life, and for this time that He gave to me to just be with Him. Just us. It's rare and it shouldn't be. The song playing was The One That Really Matters. It's so true! My mind is so occupied with worrying about my husband and children and friends and church, that I fail to focus on the One who matters.

The next day I read an article a woman wrote about how she realized how codependent she had become on her best friend. She came to realize that she needed to be self reliant. She needed to be able to truly enjoy good things even if she couldn't' share them with her friend. She needed to be able to get through bad things without her friend helping her through. She needed "self reliance". But while I read this, I thought no.. she needs God-reliance. I do too. I depend on my husband and kids to make me feel necessary. To make me feel needed. To make me feel happy when I become sad. I feel like I can't truly enjoy things without them. I don't want to go places or do things by myself, because I feel like it will be better with them. 

This might be true, but the reality is, that I should be ok with being alone too. I should be ok going to the grocery store or movie theater without someone else. I shouldn't avoid these things until my family comes home. That's crazy. I should be able to enjoy life's simple pleasures with and without my family. Because ultimately, my family won't always be here. God will. If I become God-reliant, then I won't fear being alone. If I become God-reliant, then I won't dread the silence. I will find peace instead of solitude. 

So, I am going to treat myself to a movie. Alone. And that's ok. Cause the movie is good with or without buying someone candy and taking them to the bathroom three times. And I am going to go to Wal-Mart alone, and buy what I need and that's ok too. My life doesn't have to be boring without my people in it. I can use this time to just be with my Father and enjoy His presence whether I am face down in a puddle of my own tears in worship, or walking through Wal-Mart. I am going to enjoy this time with just us.