I hate making plans and having set schedules. It's not in my DNA. I am a free-flowing, wild-child, go-with-the-flow kind of gal. I don't like roots, plans, or expectations. I tend to accidentally miss just about every appointment I ever make. I forget lunch plans with friends, and almost never remember to call people back. If I don't write it down, I will forget. This tends to hurt a lot of people's feelings, but it's nothing personal. My mind just focuses on what's in front of me at the time.
So when God told me in April to go to the camper alone for 4 days to write "His words", I was excited but also kind of freaked out. (This feels like a lot of planning and prep right?!) Slowly that turned into full blown anxiety and I put it off. In fact, due to the very clear words of my Father each and every day- I just stopped spending time with Him all together. If He can't tell me to write, then I won't have to write. Then I won't be set up for disappointment or failure. I decided to ignore Him. Openly.
Over the course of the following months, He would gently remind me through my mother, my best friend, and my pastor's Sunday sermons. I just kept shaking it off and ignoring it. Knowing that it was fruitless, but it made me feel safe nonetheless. During this time, our finances plummeted. Nothing had changed, in fact Mike has been working more hours than ever and bringing in more money than usual. We weren't spending more than our normal irresponsibility and bills. So why are we always so strapped?! Mike's health has also been deteriorating. Blood tests are not looking good, and we currently are awaiting ultrasounds on most of his major organs. My health has been strange as well. I am fatigued all the time. Exhausted and weary. Back pain plagues me suddenly, and I just overall don't feel like myself. Our girls have been bickering and fighting more than normal, making me want to hide myself or invest in some really good ear plugs.
I've been praying about all of this. Constantly. Most nights I lay awake unable to sleep, just crying out to God. Do something! Help us! Why aren't you here? I know He is faithful. I have seen His goodness firsthand repeatedly throughout my life, so why is He suddenly so quiet?
Church on Sunday was phenomenal. By that, I mean I didn't even get through worship before breaking down. I probably would have scared the people around me with my ugly sobs, if it weren't for the loud movie theater sound system. I was wrecked. God very clearly let me know that He wants to bless me. He wants to clean up all these messes and let the favor rain down on my family. But...
"Whoever is not with me, is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters."
Luke 11:23
Aww snap, right?! How could I expect God to bless me and take care of me when I have spent so much time blatantly ignoring Him? It's black and white. Either I am on His side, or I'm not. Either I'm obedient, or I'm not. I was choosing to try to straddle the fence. But that's just not possible. The Bible says so. Even worse, the longer I chose to ignore God, the further away from Him I became, meaning the less I was able to be used by Him. The more I ignored His call into my life, the quieter He became.
"In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples. Salt is good, but if it loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out."
-Luke 14:33-34
Spending 4 days alone with God terrifies me. Writing "His words" (whatever that means) terrifies me. What if He doesn't show up? What if I sit here alone with no car for 4 days. What if all I have are my thoughts? What if I don't come back with the next greatest novel that I believe some people are expecting? What if I disappoint those I love by not showing out in the way they are hoping for?
But do you know what terrifies me even worse than all that? Losing my saltiness. Becoming useless to God. How could I turn my back and ignore the One who loved me at my worst? The One who saved me from my persecutors. The One who never gave up on me, even when everyone else had. The One who breathed new life and new breath into me. The One who gave me a new purpose and a new direction. The One who looks at my quirkiness and free-spirit and tells me it's all beautiful and intentional and useful.
So I did it. I came to the camper with a plan of 4 days. I didn't put it on a calendar and make appointments around it. I talked with my husband and (probably because of how well he knows me) he said I should go the next day. So I did. I left Monday morning and I've been here ever since. I can't say I have been alone, however, because God is most definitely here with me. He's teaching me obedience in the most loving way. (Like turning back to go pick up litter I passed on a trail even though I didn't think I needed to because it wasn't my problem...)
The first day and a half was filled with me trying to fulfill the world's expectations. I desperately tried to write what would become a manuscript for a book. That's why I'm here, right? To write. So I tried writing whatever came to mind. I tried and tried and just came up frustrated and with random stories of my life experiences. Then God finally asked if I was done spending this time with expectations, and ready to spend time with Him. We went for a walk. He showed me the beauty of His creation that stares me in the face almost every weekend, but I fail to notice. I faced my fears and took the kayak out on the empty lake. It was peaceful and serene and incredible. (And I didn't get eaten by a lake monster, so it's a win, right?!)
I don't know what the next 2 and a half days will hold, but I do know that God will be here with me. Hanging out with me. Opening my eyes to things I had either forgotten or never seen before. If you don't know Jesus, this whole post will seem crazy to you. You probably think I should be committed. That's ok. God has taught me to stop caring about what anyone thinks or expects. He is the only one who matters and I know how very real He is. I hear Him, I see Him, I feel Him, heck- I've even laughed with him!
Side Note: Almost right away I realized that I had run out of propane. That meant no hot water for showers or dishes, no cooking on the stove or grill, and basic misery for a city girl like myself. I literally cried (like for real- I cried spoiled girl tears). I wondered if I should even be here. I had no car to get more propane and I knew God wanted me to stay off my phone, so I couldn't call anyone. That's when God showed me I had bought fire wood and it wasn't raining. I could cook over the fire and boil water for dishes. I've taken cold showers before and I survived, so I guess I could do that too. I can't tell you how resourceful I felt scrubbing my dishes with fire water. It just reminded me that no matter what the situation appears to be, God finds a way. He handles it before the situation even arises. There's always another way.
Also, I broke down and text Mike. He faithfully and lovingly brought me propane today right before it rained for the rest of the entire day. I showered. It was lovely. God is so stinking wonderful!
Memory verses. Write a little booklet of memory verses. I have our list from the Cowboy Church that I can send you. :) Use one of those small note pads from your dad's business that he sent you.
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