I awoke that morning in anticipation. I didn't really know what was going to happen, but I knew it would be great! I missed my family so much at this point and I couldn't wait to see them (hopefully that evening). Mike had told me that he would come get me if I was done before he needed to go to work, and I pretty much told God that I hoped we would be done by then. I wanted to see my husband's kind face. I wanted to smell my girls' heads and feel their little arms wrap around me.
But I felt a nudge in my spirit that led me to understand we weren't done. 4 days, remember? Ok, so what's on the schedule today? I spent some time in worship. What felt like five minutes was actually two whole hours! It was refreshing and wonderful to not have a time limit. Suddenly, I saw a picture in my head of myself kayaking with my two littlest girls. Ok God. You think Sophia can handle a kayak on her own? You want my two babies to come spend some time with me?
I text Mike and asked him to just bring the two little ones here. They would spend the night with me instead of my heading home. Naturally, I am already trying to decipher the meaning on this. Are you weaning me back into my reality? Are you showing me how to balance my life with my family and my life with you?
For the next two hours I tried to busy myself. I cooked lunch. I ate lunch. I paced a bit. I tried to read but I couldn't focus. I was so incredibly excited! I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see my sweet little ones chubby cheeks and huge grins come rolling up into the campground. When the girls finally arrived they ran into my arms and kissed me just like I knew they would! It was just what my soul needed. I looked to my husband, and the reality of our lives struck me like a ton of bricks.
I had spent the last three and a half days being lovingly whispered to. I had immersed myself in the kind, tender, gentle, life-giving company of my Father. I was filled to the brim with life and love and peace. When I looked at Mike, I saw dark circles under his lifeless eyes. Not a smile to be found on his weary face. His shoulders slumped and he seemed to just grunt or stare at me when I spoke to him. It was like I was floating around in the land of life and finally coming face to face with death.
I hate to admit this to you all, but instead of showing him compassion, I regrettably became immediately irritated. His words to me were harsh and cold. After being spoken so tenderly to for days, his icy words pierced right into my heart. How could he come here and immediately try to ruin what God has built? How could he be so awful toward me when he hasn't even seen me in days? I wanted him to leave and I told him as much. He wound up driving away frustrated and angry with me.
**sigh**
I turn my focus and attention to the kids. Sweet, bubbly Sophia and Silly, adorable Hazel. Lights in the darkness. My source of joy in the cold.
The night before, I had watched an old sermon that challenged me. God asked me through the words of my pastor what I enjoy doing? What do I do for fun? Where do I find my joy?
Hmmm. Hobbies? Who has time for those? I tried scrap-booking, but I can't keep up. I sit by the pool while my kids swim, does that count? I am really good at binge watching Netflix too. Maybe that's it?
That's not it. Joy. Real joy.
God showed me that I had been sacrificing joy on the altar of parenting, being a wife, making our home, and just being too busy or too tired. God designed us in His image. He created joy, silliness, laughter, fun- for a reason. It's a huge part of who He is. It's an incredibly important part of who He is. Who we are. When we sacrifice joy in order to measure up, we rob ourselves of experiencing a full life in Christ.
I've been sacrificing joy. I worry so much about making sure everyone else is having a good time, that I don't often stop to ask myself if I am. Mike has been sacrificing joy. He works and overwhelms himself with the worries of our family and this life, that it's literally killing him. Seriously. The stress is causing his body to produce more cortisol, which is messing with his physical health. The stress is actually killing him.
Guys, we need joy to live.
So I took the girls on a kayak ride. I let Sophia go in her own and row by herself. She felt on top of the world and has declared it as her newest hobby (she has no trouble finding her joy). I brought them to the pool and I swam with them instead of sitting on the side. People, I mean I actually swam with them. Splashing, spitting water, putting on goggles and trying to decipher what we were saying under water kind of swimming. I laughed like I haven't in years. It was pure joy.
I took them for a bike ride. At first I wobbled and swerved and after Sophia's encouragement ("It's ok, Mom, you got this! You can do this!"), I didn't even fall. I told them of my adventures with the birds and when we came to the lodge, we saw what must've been a million hummingbirds surrounding the feeders! We stopped and Hazel named the baby turkeys (Joel Jr, Lizzy Jr, and Lilly). Then we wrapped up the day with dinner, banana boats, and cards.
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| Sophia meticulously creating her banana boat |
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| Hazel just eating all the chocolate. |
It was spectacular. No worries. No stress. No reason to care about anything except the exact thing we were partaking in. Kids have this whole joy thing all figured out, guys. They don't care what could happen or what will happen. They don't look at tomorrow. They focus on the task at hand. The very thing they are doing right now. That's all that matters.
Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34
Aside from worry and stress, I think we adults forget to have fun because we are worried about what people might think of us. I wonder what people thought of the crazy mom splashing like a four year old in the pool that day? Wearing goggles that made her eyes bug out and chortling like she was being tickled pink? You know what? I didn't care. At the time I just focused on the joy. I focused on having fun. We adults are expected to go out drinking and dancing in the bars on our "off time". That's about it. That's about all we are offered. I think it's crap and I want more. I want more for Mike too. I want more for you guys. I think you do too.
I still don't know what hobbies I might enjoy, so I intend to start trying all kinds of things in order to figure it out. I challenge you to do the same. I challenge you to find your joy. Give things a chance. Risk looking like a fool. Leave tomorrow's worries alone, they aren't any of your business. Leave your past where it is and move forward. Let's get back to basics and just enjoy living. If you aren't living, then you're dying. And there's this fabulous guy who took death on so you won't have too. So leave death in the grave and focus on learning how to really live. After all, this life is the only one you get, and it's momentary in light of eternity.
PS- Hazel slept with me that night. I hadn't done much reading because of all our activities, and I knew I needed to get in the Word. She needed the light off, so I picked up where I was reading on my phone. She sweetly whispered and asked me to read to her. I read her some of the more boring parts of the Old Testament. You know, the ones that go on and on and on and on about Esau's descendants? Yeah. It happened. But she very quickly and peacefully drifted off to sleep. Soon, I was able to hear her slow, deep breaths, reminding me how grateful I am for this tiny person. I guess what I am saying with this, is that we can find time to get in His Word. Even with our kids. I know all the excuses, people, and I've used them more than once. But, we have to make the decision to actively partake in a real life-giving relationship with our Father. And allowing our kids to be a part of it will only aid them in their journey with Him as well.
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