The Worst Day Ever

We've all seen the TV show. You know, the one where the marathon runner decides to take a 15 mile run through the desert, only to fall off some cliff and wind up with a broken leg, unable to move or call anyone. It's the most terrifying scenario of any one's life. And if you're anything like me, you know it's safer to stay out of the desert. In fact, you know it's best to just not run anywhere. Ever. Unless you're on fire.

I never thought anything like that could ever happen to me. I never thought I could survive something like that. But life is in the business of proving me wrong, which is where my story begins....


Last Saturday was scheduled to be a relaxing and fun day. We planned for sunshine, laughter, swimming, and excitement. My Rachel and her husband brought their 3 daughters up to our camper to spend some much needed time with my family. The kids rode around on their bikes, played in the dirt, chased each other on the playground, and laughed/quarreled/made up/laughed some more with each other the whole time. The guys decided to take the 4 wheelers out on the trails deep into the Chippewa County Forest. Mike and I do this often, and it's always a fantastic time. While the boys were out for a few hours, Rachel and I took the kids to the pool where we laughed and splashed and relaxed. 



The boys made it back covered in mud, dirt, and smiles. They had a blast and we were excited to get out there for our turn. Some good ole mom fun. No kids, no guys, just us girls getting filthy and having the time of our lives. Or so we thought. 

We embarked on our Saturday evening adventure anticipating nothing but fun. We made it to the flowage trail where I stopped to wait for Rachel to catch up. When she met me, she assured me she was great, so we kept going and rode the 4 miles to the actual ATV trail. At the top of the trail Rachel gave me a thumbs up, so I rode my little white ATV ahead of her, figuring we would meet at the next stopping point. A couple miles in is a rest point with a giant boulder painted bright red. We call this the "Red Rock". The trail is narrow, rocky, bumpy, windy, hilly, you name it. Even going slow it can be scary at times around those curves. 

I eventually get to the Red Rock and I am grateful for a break. I pull off to the side and stretch my fingers out while I wait for Rachel. I figure she is pretty close behind me. Usually, we have to hang back a bit if it's dusty, but it had rained the whole day Friday, so there wasn't much dust to be kicked into her face. After about 20 seconds, I begin to wonder where she is. She probably was going slower than I, but I was beginning to get suspicious. 

I decide to cut my engine so I can hear hers approaching. Nothing. The sound of nothing but the breeze and birds was deafening. Why couldn't I hear her engine? Even a little ways off I should hear something. I hop off my ATV and walk onto the trail to look as far down as I can. There's no dust, no sound, nothing. Maybe my ears are ringing a bit from my engine, but I should hear something, right?! 

I decide it's best if I go back and look for her. She has to be somewhere between the flowage trail and the Red Rock. There isn't much ground to cover. That dang 4 wheeler was having some issues staying running earlier in the day, and I am sure I will see her just a few hundred yards away stranded on the side of the trail. 

I get back on my little white 4 wheeler and head back toward the way I came. I decide to go slow because she is sure to be broke down around one of the narrow bends. Every bend I go around shows no sign of Rachel. Every hill I drive over I see nothing but trees and trail. Alarms begin triggering in my head. She should be closer. Where is she?! She isn't on the trail, and if she's not on the trail, then that means she is in the woods. Oh, God- what if she wrecked and was thrown into the woods?! Should I be looking in the trees instead of on the trail?! 

My eyes frantically begin scouring the woods surrounding me, looking for any sign of a person laying on the forest floor. As I begin preparing myself to find Rachel's lifeless body, I hear myself chanting only one word. 

"Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

I couldn't even muster a prayer. All I could do was call on the One who was in control of everything. 

I continue driving and I continue seeing absolutely nothing but trees and trail. How am I supposed to look Mark in the eyes and tell him that Rachel isn't coming back with me?! How am I supposed to tell the girls?! How am I supposed to survive if she doesn't?! 

"Jesus. Jesus. Jesus." 

It's only a whisper, but it's enough.

I turn another corner and suddenly I see her. 

My very best friend in the whole world, on the trail, walking towards me. She is covered in dirt and cradling her right arm. 

I can breathe again. My Rachel is alive. Thank you JESUS!

But we aren't out of the woods yet... literally.... Rachel is panicked and tells me to call 911. She needs an ambulance. Her 4 wheeler slid and she was thrown from it right before it flipped and spun and landed on it's side, crushed up against a small cliff. 

I get her on the back of my 4 wheeler, and I ride the hundred yards to the other ATV. I see it crushed and on it's side. It's still running and fluid is pouring from it. I know I have to turn it off for fear that it will explode or start on fire, but I can't get it turned right side up. Rachel is yelling that she needs an ambulance, so I climb around the cliff and somehow reach my hand in through the crushed metal to turn the key off. I grab our phones out of the small rear compartment and get back on the little white ATV. 

Here's the problem we face now. We are at least a mile out on the trail on a 4 wheeler designed for one passenger. We have to figure out how to get out of here without Rachel holding onto me, while navigating the twisty, bumpy, steep hills of the forest. All this with patchy cell service and Rachel's health in a very unknown scary place. She can't feel much, except for the sudden bursts of excruciating pain and waves of fire that shoot down her arm every time the bones move. She is convinced her entire arm is shattered into pieces, that it's bleeding everywhere, and that if she passes out from the pain- she will certainly die. Honestly, I am convinced of it too. But you better believe I am going to fight tooth and nail to make damn sure that doesn't happen.

With one hand reaching behind me to hold onto Rachel, the other steering the ATV and pressing the throttle as gently as I can, and my phone propped on my shoulder calling 911- I begin to attempt to get us out of there. Rachel is panicking, crying out in pain, reminding me repeatedly that she needs to get to an ambulance, and too scared to look down at her limp arm. I am trying to explain to the 911 operator where we are, while trying to get our 4 wheeler moving through engine trouble and steep hills. It was a whirlwind of panic, fear, and frustration. 

Somehow we made it to the flowage trail. Mike and Mark picked us up and brought us to the parking lot where the ambulance was able to meet us and rush Rachel to the hospital. 

You guys, this whole experience was the most terrifying and awful day of my entire life. I am not exaggerating when I say this. You couldn't pay me to relive this day.

But, God.

Somehow in the hurricane of fear, hysteria, and frustration- God was there. He didn't just show up, either. He was there the entire time. 

We weren't wearing helmets. Rachel was thrown from her wheeler and didn't hit her head. After all was said and done, she only broke one bone. One bone, guys. The sheriff, the firemen, the doctors, the nurses all said the same thing. She's lucky to be alive, let alone walk away with one measly broken bone. 

God was in complete control the entire time, and Rachel knew it. She was afraid she was going to die, yes- but only because she thought God decided it was her time. She sat behind me on that little white ATV praying constantly. If she wasn't crying in pain, she was saying, "thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Please God, get us out of here. Thank you Jesus." Ya'll, she was thanking God! She knew He was in charge and she was thanking Him for all He was doing. She was trusting that He would get us out of there and that He would handle the pain and the healing. In fact, at one point, she began to worship. Singing how there's no other name like Jesus. She was glorifying God in the most horrifying moments of her entire life. She was putting her money where her mouth is and practicing what she preaches. She refused to buckle under the pain or fear. She was walking through the fire, and knew she wouldn't be burned. 

Guys, that's not even where it ended.

In the ambulance, Rachel was ministering to one of the EMTs about her fertility struggle. Encouraging her and giving her advice. In the ER, she was learning about the marriage and life of her nurse and encouraging her as well. When the radiology girls came in to take xrays, Rachel was inviting them to church. 

Why? Because she gave her life to Jesus. Not just Sunday. Not just holidays. Not just the good days. Not just the lonely days. All the days. Rachel committed each and every day to Jesus. She's in it for real and forever. 

I don't know how anyone could hear this story and not be challenged to be more bold and committed in their faith. I don't know how anyone could know Rachel and not want to know Jesus better. 

It's going to be a long haul, so the doctors say. Rachel has a long road of recovery ahead of her. And while she's frustrated because she wishes her complete restoration of her arm and hand was instantaneous, she doesn't falter because she knows God is in charge and she trusts the process. We will continue asking God for a medical miracle and to show up and show out, but regardless of what He does or doesn't do, we will have faith and know that He still has her. That He is still on his throne, and he will never fall off.    

But now, this is what the Lord says—

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:1-2        

Coming Back to Life

I remember that hopeless place. It enveloped my every day with a heavy darkness that I had no control of. I was living in a beautiful home that I had let go to ruin. Three little girls whirled around the mess with no supervision or care. I cannot say, however, that I was dead inside, due to the unyielding ache deep within me. I looked at my daughters that I knew I loved, and I could feel nothing. I told myself day after day that tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow I would turn it all around. But tomorrow never came. The Darkness got darker. The emptiness got emptier. 

I knew my husband (now my ex husband) was getting exhausted with me. He would come home and have to feed and bathe the kids. Wading through the mess, he would ask what I had done that day and I could only shrug. I never had anything new to tell him.

One day I went to him and told him something was very wrong with me. I was sad all the time. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't change it. I didn't know what to do. He looked into my desperate eyes with a coldness that I can feel to this day. He told me I needed to figure it out and get it together. 

That's it?! Get it together?! I would've been enraged if I could feel anything other than the Darkness. I told myself this eternal sadness was going to cost me my marriage and my family. Something had to give. So, I made an appointment and drove to a therapist's office. 

It was a hot South Carolina day, with temperatures over 90 degrees outside. I parked and walked up the stairs to the therapist's office. I waited only a minute before the smiling young girl at the window informed me that my appointment had been cancelled and I needed to reschedule. I turned away bummed that my only hope had failed and began walking back to the parking lot. As soon as I hit the doorway of the office I realized that I had left my 3 month old newborn baby in the backseat of the boiling hot car. 

Finally I felt something new. Sheer panic swept over me as I ran with all I had to my vehicle. I unlocked the doors and there was my sweet, peaceful Lila, sleeping like an angel. By the grace of God, she was alive. 

I knew in that moment that something needed to change. The darkness had almost claimed my new baby's life, and I knew it would eventually claim mine. 

I tried therapy, but they simply prescribed me anti-depressants, in which the full bottle sat in my medicine cabinet. I called people at church and I continued attending regularly. I started cleaning up the house in the hopes it would clean up my life as well. Nothing was working. The Darkness had it's claws so deep into my wounded soul, it seemed nothing- not even God- could save me. 

My husband slowly stopped coming home after work. He would claim to go to the gym with work friends; yet he came home showered, clean, dressed nicely, and smelling wonderfully several hours later. Almost all of our communication had ceased and the chasm between grew wider each day.

In late November of 2007, I came to him one Thursday evening and told him that I was leaving with the kids that Saturday. I was packing all our clothes, and I was taking them to Minnesota. He looked me dead in the eye and simply said, "ok". No fight, no argument, no trying to keep me or the girls. Nothing. Not even a question of why or conversation about it. He was done. He had quit and was moving forward while I sat in the same dark place for too long. 

That Saturday I packed every piece of clothing we had and I let the girls each grab 3 toys. I loaded them and our things into our car and we headed north to my mom's house in Minnesota. My husband was planning to come up for Christmas anyway, and hopefully this little break would convince him that he wanted his family back. He came for Christmas. We painted on smiles and didn't tell anyone what was really happening. I begged him for counseling. I begged him to fight for us. But it was too late. He had moved on. 

Let me explain something to make things a little more clear. Looking back, I believe what I struggled with was post-partum depression. It hit me for no apparent reason after Lila was born. It lingered and while it seemed to improve here and there, it never went away. When Lila was still a baby, we got pregnant again. I was thrilled, because I hoped this baby would change everything. I hoped this baby would bring my husband and I closer than ever. At about 8 weeks along, I began miscarrying. It was awful. Long, drawn out, excessive blood loss, and worsening depression all ushered the Darkness back over me like a tidal wave. After several weeks of bleeding, the doctors rushed me into emergency surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy. They told me they had never seen anything like it, and that it could have and should have killed me. 

It was after that surgery when the Darkness really consumed me. It was then that I decided to live in my pain and my husband decided to move forward. 

I know this story is bleak and sad and not very uplifting. But, that's life isn't it? It's ugly and raw and real. It's vulnerable and messy. I couldn't see it then, but I see now where God showed up during that time of my life. When I thought He had left me to die, I see now that He was cradling me and carrying me through it. He was refining me. Making me so much better than I ever was. 

When I left Lila in the hot car, He made sure to cancel my appointment so I would immediately turn around. When I was having the longest and most painful (in every sense of the word) miscarriage of my life, he was watching me and urged me to go to the ER on the very night that it would've killed me. When I was lost in a loveless marriage with a man who cared nothing for me, He held me and showed me the way out.   

I struggled with shame and embarrassment for a long time when I finally left Andy. I knew he was telling the world a different story, and I didn't have the strength to say otherwise. I knew people thought terribly of me, but I was mostly concerned with what God thought. I know He hates divorce, so I scoured the Bible for anything that would give me a way out. I begged and pleaded with God to show me He wouldn't hate me for this. 

He showed me some very specific passages from the words of Jesus himself. They provided me with the peace and comfort I needed to move forward. They gave me permission to step out of the darkness and into a new beginning. I could finally breathe again. I could finally feel joy again. I could laugh and mean it. Most importantly, I could look at my daughters and I could actually feel the love I always had for them. I was alive and the Darkness was dead.

I know there are friends of mine sitting in very dark places right now. Dealing with unimaginable tragedies and losses. I experienced so much loss during that time, but like I have said before- without death, there couldn't be a resurrection. 

I fought to hold onto my dead baby and my dying marriage. I stayed too long with a man who had already begun his new life. I couldn't let go. But once I did, the Darkness immediately lifted and I could breathe again. I'm not talking over the course of months or years. This was a supernatural- right now- this moment- kind of thing. Like stepping out of the shadow and into the bright sunlight. It was so simple, yet the most difficult and complicated thing of my life. I left shame, embarrassment, neglect, hopelessness, loneliness, and fear with the Darkness. I left it all behind and stepped into my resurrection. Into my new mindset. Into my new hope.

It wasn't easy. It took a lot of courage to move forward. And except for a few very dark nights, I have never looked back. I encourage you to have courage. Be bold. Take that step and begin living again. When we pause too long in the death, it overtakes us and convinces us that life is just a distant memory. But death has been overcome. It's been beaten and has no power over us anymore. We just have to choose not to believe the lie. We have to choose to move forward out of the Darkness. We have to choose to live.

...."Death has been swallowed up in victory." 

"Where, Oh death, is your victory? 

Where, O death, is your sting?" 

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 

But thanks be to God! 

He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

- 1 Corinthians 15:54-57        

Finding Joy: Day 4

Day 4: Thursday

I awoke that morning in anticipation. I didn't really know what was going to happen, but I knew it would be great! I missed my family so much at this point and I couldn't wait to see them (hopefully that evening). Mike had told me that he would come get me if I was done before he needed to go to work, and I pretty much told God that I hoped we would be done by then. I wanted to see my husband's kind face. I wanted to smell my girls' heads and feel their little arms wrap around me. 

But I felt a nudge in my spirit that led me to understand we weren't done. 4 days, remember? Ok, so what's on the schedule today? I spent some time in worship. What felt like five minutes was actually two whole hours! It was refreshing and wonderful to not have a time limit. Suddenly, I saw a picture in my head of myself kayaking with my two littlest girls. Ok God. You think Sophia can handle a kayak on her own? You want my two babies to come spend some time with me? 

I text Mike and asked him to just bring the two little ones here. They would spend the night with me instead of my heading home. Naturally, I am already trying to decipher the meaning on this. Are you weaning me back into my reality? Are you showing me how to balance my life with my family and my life with you?

For the next two hours I tried to busy myself. I cooked lunch. I ate lunch. I paced a bit. I tried to read but I couldn't focus. I was so incredibly excited! I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see my sweet little ones chubby cheeks and huge grins come rolling up into the campground. When the girls finally arrived they ran into my arms and kissed me just like I knew they would! It was just what my soul needed. I looked to my husband, and the reality of our lives struck me like a ton of bricks. 

I had spent the last three and a half days being lovingly whispered to. I had immersed myself in the kind, tender, gentle, life-giving company of my Father. I was filled to the brim with life and love and peace. When I looked at Mike, I saw dark circles under his lifeless eyes. Not a smile to be found on his weary face. His shoulders slumped and he seemed to just grunt or stare at me when I spoke to him. It was like I was floating around in the land of life and finally coming face to face with death. 

I hate to admit this to you all, but instead of showing him compassion, I regrettably became immediately irritated. His words to me were harsh and cold. After being spoken so tenderly to for days, his icy words pierced right into my heart. How could he come here and immediately try to ruin what God has built? How could he be so awful toward me when he hasn't even seen me in days? I wanted him to leave and I told him as much. He wound up driving away frustrated and angry with me. 

**sigh**

I turn my focus and attention to the kids. Sweet, bubbly Sophia and Silly, adorable Hazel. Lights in the darkness. My source of joy in the cold. 

The night before, I had watched an old sermon that challenged me. God asked me through the words of my pastor what I enjoy doing? What do I do for fun? Where do I find my joy? 

Hmmm. Hobbies? Who has time for those? I tried scrap-booking, but I can't keep up. I sit by the pool while my kids swim, does that count? I am really good at binge watching Netflix too. Maybe that's it? 

That's not it. Joy. Real joy. 

God showed me that I had been sacrificing joy on the altar of parenting, being a wife, making our home, and just being too busy or too tired. God designed us in His image. He created joy, silliness, laughter, fun- for a reason. It's a huge part of who He is. It's an incredibly important part of who He is. Who we are. When we sacrifice joy in order to measure up, we rob ourselves of experiencing a full life in Christ. 

I've been sacrificing joy. I worry so much about making sure everyone else is having a good time, that I don't often stop to ask myself if I am. Mike has been sacrificing joy. He works and overwhelms himself with the worries of our family and this life, that it's literally killing him. Seriously. The stress is causing his body to produce more cortisol, which is messing with his physical health. The stress is actually killing him. 

Guys, we need joy to live. 

So I took the girls on a kayak ride. I let Sophia go in her own and row by herself. She felt on top of the world and has declared it as her newest hobby (she has no trouble finding her joy). I brought them to the pool and I swam with them instead of sitting on the side. People, I mean I actually swam with them. Splashing, spitting water, putting on goggles and trying to decipher what we were saying under water kind of swimming. I laughed like I haven't in years. It was pure joy. 

I took them for a bike ride. At first I wobbled and swerved and after Sophia's encouragement ("It's ok, Mom, you got this! You can do this!"), I didn't even fall. I told them of my adventures with the birds and when we came to the lodge, we saw what must've been a million hummingbirds surrounding the feeders! We stopped and Hazel named the baby turkeys (Joel Jr, Lizzy Jr, and Lilly). Then we wrapped up the day with dinner, banana boats, and cards. 

Sophia meticulously creating her banana boat

Hazel just eating all the chocolate.

It was spectacular. No worries. No stress. No reason to care about anything except the exact thing we were partaking in. Kids have this whole joy thing all figured out, guys. They don't care what could happen or what will happen. They don't look at tomorrow. They focus on the task at hand. The very thing they are doing right now. That's all that matters. 

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

Aside from worry and stress, I think we adults forget to have fun because we are worried about what people might think of us. I wonder what people thought of the crazy mom splashing like a four year old in the pool that day? Wearing goggles that made her eyes bug out and chortling like she was being tickled pink? You know what? I didn't care. At the time I just focused on the joy. I focused on having fun. We adults are expected to go out drinking and dancing in the bars on our "off time". That's about it. That's about all we are offered. I think it's crap and I want more. I want more for Mike too. I want more for you guys. I think you do too.

I still don't know what hobbies I might enjoy, so I intend to start trying all kinds of things in order to figure it out. I challenge you to do the same. I challenge you to find your joy. Give things a chance. Risk looking like a fool. Leave tomorrow's worries alone, they aren't any of your business. Leave your past where it is and move forward. Let's get back to basics and just enjoy living. If you aren't living, then you're dying. And there's this fabulous guy who took death on so you won't have too. So leave death in the grave and focus on learning how to really live. After all, this life is the only one you get, and it's momentary in light of eternity.      

PS- Hazel slept with me that night. I hadn't done much reading because of all our activities, and I knew I needed to get in the Word. She needed the light off, so I picked up where I was reading on my phone. She sweetly whispered and asked me to read to her. I read her some of the more boring parts of the Old Testament. You know, the ones that go on and on and on and on about Esau's descendants? Yeah. It happened. But she very quickly and peacefully drifted off to sleep. Soon, I was able to hear her slow, deep breaths, reminding me how grateful I am for this tiny person. I guess what I am saying with this, is that we can find time to get in His Word. Even with our kids. I know all the excuses, people, and I've used them more than once. But, we have to make the decision to actively partake in a real life-giving relationship with our Father. And allowing our kids to be a part of it will only aid them in their journey with Him as well. 

Make Way For Snow White: Day 3

Day 3: Wednesday

Last night was the best night of sleep so far. I have trouble falling asleep almost every night of my life. Either Mike snores too loud or I can't sleep because he's working and not there with me. It's a catch 22. I always get scared without him. Especially at the camper. I don't know why I am convinced everyone wants to kill me, but apparently I feel like I am a prime target for serial killers and weirdos. Anyway, the first night I fell asleep with no problem (yes, I left the light on in the living room), but I woke up several times throughout the night just to look up and make sure nobody was standing over me with a knife. Last night I struggled to fall asleep (I used less lights this time), but once I did... Guys. I didn't wake up until 8:30am and it was only because my bladder threatened to explode. I slept the whole night. I plan to knock it out of the park tonight. Maybe even no night lights? Hmm...

Anyway I woke up and enjoyed my bowl of Peanut Butter Crunch before digging into the word. (The last couple of days I have not only finished the book I have been working on for months, but I have read an extraordinary amount of scripture and binge watched countless sermons online.) I sat on the deck eating when suddenly I hear a sort of low buzzing noise. I turn to look, and I kid you not- there was a tiny hummingbird just a few feet from my face. People, I have no flowers. I have no feeders. I have nothing this adorable creature could want. Other than an incredible desire to make best friends with it. (Yes, I am the lady who wishes she could sing like Snow White and have forest creatures gather to her.) It hovered near me for almost a full 10 seconds before fluttering away. 

About 2 bites into my cereal later, I look over and there is a red breasted robin standing on the ground just off the deck staring at me. Oh, hi friend! She hung out, hopping around my tiny yard just looking at me for awhile. Then she grabbed a worm or bug and took off. 2 more bites later, another robin shows up. How do I know it's a different one? Oh, because he brought the other one with him! I swear I am not making this up, guys. They are peeping and chirping at each other, just hopping around my yard directly next to me. (Step aside, Snow White...)

I finish my cereal and decide to go for another walk to stretch my legs and my back. On the way I met yet another robin. She hopped right along beside me on the ground for probably about 100 yards. She takes off and another bird (I have no idea of the species- but I would guess an oriole) takes her place hopping around me on the ground as I stroll along. What is happening?! 

I walk along the road and can hear birds singing and the breeze blowing through the trees. I notice that when I look down at my feet, I see dead frogs that been run over, a creepy tiny snake that probably wanted to kill me, and bugs. Nothing pretty or wonderful. However, when I keep my eyes up, I could see the birds flitting from tree to tree. I even saw an eagle soaring high above the tree line. It was incredible. I think you can all see where the lesson is here, right? Keep your eyes up fixed on Him= good things, down= bad things/death/yucky stuff. You got me.

So I finish my walk and decide that I should do my reading down at the pool being that today is sunny and hot and incredibly perfect in every way. I change, grab my stuff, and make my way to the refreshingly cool, calm, empty pool. Not a kid in site, guys. Talk about peaceful! I read for awhile, dove in to cool off, then came right back to my reading. It was amazing. Even when the lady with the 2 kids came, it was still wonderful. They were respectful, sweet kids just enjoying time with their grandma, and I was still able to focus on my reading. (Side Note- looking back, I feel like this was a gradual way of helping me to adjust to having people around while I read. Helping me train to keep my focus.)

Just as my tummy starts reminding me that it's been awhile since my Captain Crunch, the owner of the campground comes over and asks if I'm hungry. He proceeds to offer to make me lunch. He was about to make food for him and his wife anyway, and thought maybe I would like some of it. Thanks, Lord. A free meal that I didn't have to cook that was prepared while I lounged poolside with a great book... umm heck yeah! Come to discover, this wasn't going to be just a free meal. He took great care and time in making a fancy meal. I mean, stuffed chicken breast covered in zucchini and accompanied with friend zucchini chips. It was the bomb. For real. 

I ate lunch with them and enjoyed the pleasant conversation. It was nice to talk to real people after 2 days of only communicating with God. Afterward I decided to spend a little more time at the pool. I thought for a brief moment that I had better be getting back, until I realized that I didn't have to get back. I could stay as long as I wanted. It was wonderful. I went back out to the pool only to discover a woman wading in the water. Remember that lady who was walking and gave me the kind smile and a wave? The one I didn't recognize? This was her!

I sat down and immediately began asking her about her camper. They are parked in the temporary sites with an older camper that they have remodeled as well. Turns out she renovated her camper much like we did, with real homey touches and charm throughout. I didn't find out her name until hours into our conversation, but it's Nicole. We are kindred spirits. Like me, she started having kids way too early and now, in her 40s, has 13 grandchildren. Her husband and her will be staying at Rock Lake for the month of August, before venturing out and heading west for the winter in their adorable camper. They are literally about to live my dream, people! 

Nicole loves Jesus. She hates scary movies. She loves hanging in the pool and relaxing. She has a cat but wishes she could have a dog. She has never traveled anywhere and is beyond excited to discover and explore the United States with her husband. I am blessed to have met her and to have gotten to know so much about her. I look forward to spending more time with her this month and hopefully developing a real relationship. Heck, maybe I can get her and her husband to convince Mike to sell everything and hit the road too!

If I know anything about God, it's that there are no coincidences. Everything has a purpose and nothing is wasted. I don't know why God brought Nicole into my life, but I intend to find out. 

When I returned to the camper, I was hungry again. I decided to make BLTs. I threw the bacon on the grill, but got distracted and within minutes it was burnt beyond repair. Now, I like to eat a burnt thing or two, but this was bad- even for me. (Insert lesson on not getting distracted and neglect the things that are going to nourish you, lest you destroy them.) Luckily, I had half of the package left that I took very good care of and had an amazing BLT for dinner. 

Ok. Here's what I think happened today. I think God was teaching me to trust Him. He is going to always provide. I worry about our finances and Mike's health, but God wants me to give those things to Him and stop worrying about it. 

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Matthew 6:26-27

He made this clear when he sent Rick to feed me lunch. Not just food, but a delicate and carefully put together meal. He made it more clear when He sent me Nicole to talk to. Although I feel God's presence with me constantly, He knew that I needed human interaction. I needed a good conversation where I didn't have to tip toe around my faith or worry about offending anyone with it. I think God redeemed half of the bacon to show me that he makes beauty out of ashes- even bacon ashes. Plus, I think God cares about the childish desire to be Snow White in me. I think He cares about those little things that we deem ridiculous. And He is faithful to provide. I guess if I keep being quiet, the birds might keep showing up and bringing me peace and unspeakable joy along with them.   

    

Donuts & Kayaks & Turkeys, Oh My!: Day 2

Day 2: Tuesday

Today is a significant day. It's my mom's birthday and it's a big deal. It's her last year in her 50's and I wanted to make it special. I had plans to bring her breakfast, take her to lunch, make her laugh and feel important all day until ultimately taking her to the Grand Finale at the bowling alley where everyone would be gathered to celebrate her. But instead I woke up sprawled out in the most comfortable bed in the whole world. Wrapped up in my cozy blankets and knowing that I wouldn't even see her today. 

When I awoke, I didn't feel guilty at all. That was all nonsense that came about before I came out here (probably to try to stop me from coming). I knew almost as soon as I felt the twinge of shame, that my mom would give up her birthday all together if it meant me growing closer with God and stepping further into what He has for me. She's amazing like that. 

Nonetheless, I felt it important to celebrate, so I ate my favorite chocolate donuts for breakfast. Here's to you, Mama! I had a bit of a backache, so I decided to take a walk. The late morning was beautiful. The sky was cloudy, but the sun found a way to peek through anyways. As I walked a road I had traveled probably a million times, I came upon a small trail that I never noticed before. What the heck, right? The bears and cannibals didn't get me yesterday... 

I walked the trail until it came to a small inlet that led to Rock Lake. It looked like maybe people had used this trail to drop small boats or kayaks into the water. It was strange and hidden and beautiful. I looked past the inlet to the lake and that's when God nudged me. It was like He was saying, "wouldn't it be fun to go out in the kayak?" Anyone who knows me well knows I have an irrational fear of bodies of water. (Basically every one of my fears are irrational. The good news is that I know this- making me not crazy, right??) I have this vivid imagination that convinces me that Jaws is most certainly living there. If not Jaws, then some kind of awful man-eating lake monster. Alright, God. Has this turned into a fear facing adventure? Will there be giant toads in my kayak too?! 

I head back to tackle this mountain. I crossed the street and after walking a little ways, I came across another hidden trail. This trail I was vaguely familiar with, and knew it would lead me to the back end of the campground. I'm clearly feeling adventurous, so I take the trail. I come across a small dock, half way collapsed into the tiny lake we lovingly refer to as "Mud Lake". I can't imagine why anyone would choose to go into this mosquito infested mud pit, but maybe it's a hidden gem? Maybe there's more to it than meets the eye? Maybe there's a lesson to be learned here? Anyway... I continue on and eventually come to my charming camper once again. 

As soon as I get there I begin to argue with God. Darnit, well I guess I can't go kayaking. I don't have Mike's truck here to bring the boat to the landing. Shoot. 

Yeah. I hardly got the thought through my mind when "I can use the golf cart!" decided to pop it's way in there. Great. A solution. Ok, let's do this. I grab the kayak and I bungee it to the back of the golf cart. It's then that Mike shows up to grab the propane tanks to go switch them out. (Maybe it's cause God has me looking through some Holy Spirit lenses, or maybe cause it's been a couple days- but dang. This man is smokin hot! I am one lucky lady.)

He is wonderful and figures out all the propane mess and he and I both head off in different directions. Him to the store for more propane, and me to certain death. Ok... I'm kidding. Obviously I didn't die. 

I get to the lake and I unload the boat only to realize I forget a life jacket. I don't really need one, right? I mean. I probably won't fall in the water.... unless a lake monster overturns my boat. Ok, I gotta go grab a life jacket. I head back and on the way pass this beautiful and kind looking woman I had never seen before. She was just going for a walk and was heading back toward the main camp area. I smiled and she waved back. Hmm. 

I grab my life saver and I head to the boat landing. Only now there are people there. Watching me. I have to play it cool. Don't freak out, Sarah. Act like you do this all the time. (In reality, guys, I have literally done this one other time- got so freaked out that I rowed one little loop and immediately came right back into shore. It was possibly the scariest 5 minutes of my life.) "Have fun!" one of the strangers calls to me as I climb into the shaky tiny floating death trap. I smile and assure her that I will... After about 5 minutes of trying to pry myself far enough out in the water, I am actually floating and not scraping the bottom of the boat landing anymore. I start to row. 

The water is surprisingly peaceful. Serene. Calm waters to calm my anxious spirit. The further out into the lake I get, the more calm I become. The more confident I become. The fears and worries melt away and I am reminded of Abraham. See, God knew Abraham was faithful and dedicated to Him, but He needed to know that Abraham was willing to give up anything and everything for God. So God told Abraham to sacrifice his son. His promised son. You know, the one he waited 100 years to have? The one he hoped and prayed for decade after decade until he was finally a ridiculously old man? Abraham probably didn't like this. Not even a little bit. But he took his precious promise and he led him high onto the mountain and he tied him and laid him on the altar. He grabbed his knife and raised it to finally fulfill the command God had given him. It wasn't until that moment that God stopped Abraham and commended him on his faithful obedience. God brought Abraham a ram to sacrifice in Issac's place. Abraham named that sacred place "The Lord Will Provide". Genesis tells us that to this day it is said "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided." 

Well here I was. In the middle of a lake where God told me to be. I didn't want to go, but I obeyed anyway. I was scared until I was all the way in the water. It wasn't until I fully stepped into what God said before I felt peace and comfort. I had to trust Him, even in my fear. Even in my doubt. The Lord Will Provide. On the lake of the Lord it will be provided. 

I would like to say that I hung out there for hours and soaked up all of God's peace and beauty. Honestly, I did soak it up! I stopped rowing several times to just sit and enjoy the setting. But then the rain came. It was only a little sprinkle that I tried praying away. It paused for a bit, but then seemed to pick up. I think God was done with this lesson. So I rowed myself back in and went back to the camper just in time to see my gorgeous man driving away. We stopped and chatted a bit before he drove off and I went in to take a hot shower with my full propane tank.  

** I really didn't want to fail to mention this, so here it is. My campground keeps turkeys in a turkey pen over near the boat landing. There's always a male and a female that Hazel has named Joel and Lizzy (the boy is Lizzy and the girl is Joel) after some of her favorite YouTube personas. Every year they have little baby turkeys, and earlier this season Joel was spending all of her time sitting patiently on some eggs that had turned rotten. It was so sad and pitiful. I felt so awful for Joel. I don't even know if she has feelings, but I imagine if she does- they were hurting. So imagine my delight when I head back from my lake adventure and happen upon 3 little baby turkeys chasing Joel around and making the sweetest little peeping noises! Sweet Mama Joel gets to be a mama again. Congratulations Joel and Lizzy!           

Learning to Listen: Day 1

I think at this point, it's safe to say that God and I will not be writing the next best selling novel this week... I've been waiting for God to tell me why we are doing this. Like any reason will suffice. Why on earth am I called to sit in a camper alone for 4 days with no vehicle and no people, if I'm not writing your next famous story?? 

Yesterday God told me, "Be still." Umm. Ok. He told me that I am always running and moving and conquering and if I'm not doing- then I'm talking. Anyone who's spent 5 minutes with me knows that I don't shut my mouth very often. If there's someone to talk to, I am usually right there chatting away. When there is a job to be done, I want to do it. I want to get it done. Efficient and effective, that's what they call me. (Ok so nobody calls me that, but they would if they saw me work. I think.) If there is a problem or a complaint, my initial reaction is, "how do we fix this?" or "what can I do to help?" I admit, sometimes when people share their 'junk' with me, they really just want someone to listen to them. I am working on that because, honestly, I haven't been very skilled in the area of listening. I want to offer advice or opinions or Biblical answers to help them get to the other side. But sometimes people just want to vent. Sometimes people just want to know that someone hears them. 

Is that what you're teaching me, God? To listen? I mean, I already know I suck at the whole 'obey' thing, which is clear to everyone at this point. But are you teaching me to listen now? Are you whispering gently so I have to get quiet and lean in close to hear you? 

For the record, I think that's precisely what God is doing with me. Let's recap, shall we?

Day 1: Monday

I wake up early and Luciana rides with me to Wal-Mart to grab a few last minute things. From there we head to the camper, where she spends the car ride encouraging me and telling me how God is going to do something wonderful and how He is going to take really good care of our family while I'm gone. She speaks at length giving me wise council and Godly encouragement, causing me to see her as even more of a spiritual equal and less of little child. God shows me at this moment that my obedience of giving her wholly to Him is paying off. She is so far beyond what I ever was at her age and it's all glory to God. 

Luciana helps me open the camper and then she drives off in my truck, leaving me with my thoughts and Jesus. I had a brain overflowing with a word from God so I write about it and share it with you all. Almost immediately after posting the first attack begins. You all know about the propane, so I won't go into it- but this is when it happened. Next, I suddenly realize that I forgot to transfer our tenants' rent payment into our checking account, so our mortgage payment could possibly bounce. I panic. I check my paypal and see they haven't paid rent yet. I realize they blocked me on Facebook about a month or two ago, and I know they had debated re-signing a lease because they considered moving in August. 

Oh sweet Jesus. Did our tenants move out without a word? This fear then spirals into about 657,000 'what ifs' and the like. I make several phone calls, begin hyperventilating, openly start sobbing and crying about how I shouldn't be here right now, blah blah blah. Then I get a call telling me that my tenants do in fact still live there and later discover that they had paid rent, it just hadn't cleared the bank yet. It was all lies. Fear is a liar, remember? 

Ok. I need to relax. I look to my right and see my gorgeous ATV just sitting there waiting to hit the trails. I pour the little amount that's left of gas in her and I head out to get some air and change of scenery. This time, however, I don't go as fast as I can without dying. This time, I take it slow. I have a picture in my head of Jesus smiling from ear to ear, excited to show me all that He's created. He wants to show off the beauty of His masterpiece. So I drink it all in, stopping here and there to take notes on little things that God chooses to speak to me. Some of these include:

The world says to keep your head down and get through life as fast as possible. But I say, "Look up! Watch what I do! Make every moment count- even the tough ones."

When the world says, "Stay on the Road"; I say, "Step off the beaten path. Go and explore the beauty of my creation! How will you ever know who I really am if you're always surrounded by blacktop?"

Like this stop sign, if you disobey My signs, people could wind up getting hurt or killed. Pay closer attention and start obeying my signs. 

I come up to a spot on the flowage trail where there is some walking trails and a small lake. I decide to venture out and hopefully not get mauled by a bear or killed by a serial murderer. A bug decides to begin buzzing in my ear. Constantly I am swatting it away, but it's relentless and I have the toughest time enjoying this excursion because I want to punch this little insect in it's stupid buzzing face. That's when God tells me, "Trying to enjoy the peace and listen can be hard when there's an annoying buzzing in your ear- like the enemy always whispering and lying and distracting. That's why it's crucial to always wear The Helmet of Salvation. To protect your ears and your mind from his nonsense." At the moment, my Helmet of Salvation was my hood on my sweater. So I threw that up and pulled the drawstrings tight. The problem now, was that I could no longer hear the birds and the lake. Stupid bug.

Being that I didn't have a whole lot of gas, I turned around and made my way back to the camper. That's when I made fire water, guys. You know that whole story. But something you don't know, is what God told me about the fire water as I was sitting patiently and waiting for it to get hot. 

That water in the pot is useless to you unless it's sat in the fire for awhile. Once it endures for some time, it will get hot and can be used to clean and purify and make dirty things like new. 

C'mon. You get it, right? Sometimes we have to suffer. Sometimes we have to sit in the fire for awhile until we are just right. When that is, only God knows. We just have to trust that He knows exactly when to pull us out so we can be useful to his kingdom. God also helped me realize through this fire water, that things might not turn out how you expect- but God always provides. He always comes through.

** I will recap the rest of the days on other posts. I fear if I write too much, you'll get bored and overwhelmed and possibly might not want to read what other crazy things I have to say. So, hold tight, friend. There's more to follow!      

Off the Grid

It's no secret. I have 5 incredible daughters, a wonderful husband, and 2 decent dogs. My life is busy to say the least. If I'm not running one here, then I'm running another one there, or making another trip to Farm and Fleet because we must have the fancy dog food for our high maintenance Great Dane. When I stop moving, I tend to be very lazy. I enjoy my lounge time. Binge watch something I've probably already seen on Netflix, or play that highly addictive bubble game on my phone, or scroll through Facebook checking out all the fun things everyone else is doing. 

I hate making plans and having set schedules. It's not in my DNA. I am a free-flowing, wild-child, go-with-the-flow kind of gal. I don't like roots, plans, or expectations. I tend to accidentally miss just about every appointment I ever make. I forget lunch plans with friends, and almost never remember to call people back. If I don't write it down, I will forget. This tends to hurt a lot of people's feelings, but it's nothing personal. My mind just focuses on what's in front of me at the time. 

So when God told me in April to go to the camper alone for 4 days to write "His words", I was excited but also kind of freaked out. (This feels like a lot of planning and prep right?!) Slowly that turned into full blown anxiety and I put it off. In fact, due to the very clear words of my Father each and every day- I just stopped spending time with Him all together. If He can't tell me to write, then I won't have to write. Then I won't be set up for disappointment or failure. I decided to ignore Him. Openly. 

Over the course of the following months, He would gently remind me through my mother, my best friend, and my pastor's Sunday sermons. I just kept shaking it off and ignoring it. Knowing that it was fruitless, but it made me feel safe nonetheless. During this time, our finances plummeted. Nothing had changed, in fact Mike has been working more hours than ever and bringing in more money than usual. We weren't spending more than our normal irresponsibility and bills. So why are we always so strapped?! Mike's health has also been deteriorating. Blood tests are not looking good, and we currently are awaiting ultrasounds on most of his major organs. My health has been strange as well. I am fatigued all the time. Exhausted and weary. Back pain plagues me suddenly, and I just overall don't feel like myself. Our girls have been bickering and fighting more than normal, making me want to hide myself or invest in some really good ear plugs. 

I've been praying about all of this. Constantly. Most nights I lay awake unable to sleep, just crying out to God. Do something! Help us! Why aren't you here? I know He is faithful. I have seen His goodness firsthand repeatedly throughout my life, so why is He suddenly so quiet?

Church on Sunday was phenomenal. By that, I mean I didn't even get through worship before breaking down. I probably would have scared the people around me with my ugly sobs, if it weren't for the loud movie theater sound system. I was wrecked. God very clearly let me know that He wants to bless me. He wants to clean up all these messes and let the favor rain down on my family. But... 

"Whoever is not with me, is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters."

Luke 11:23

Aww snap, right?! How could I expect God to bless me and take care of me when I have spent so much time blatantly ignoring Him? It's black and white. Either I am on His side, or I'm not. Either I'm obedient, or I'm not. I was choosing to try to straddle the fence. But that's just not possible. The Bible says so. Even worse, the longer I chose to ignore God, the further away from Him I became, meaning the less I was able to be used by Him. The more I ignored His call into my life, the quieter He became. 

"In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples. Salt is good, but if it loses it's saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out." 

-Luke 14:33-34

Spending 4 days alone with God terrifies me. Writing "His words" (whatever that means) terrifies me. What if He doesn't show up? What if I sit here alone with no car for 4 days. What if all I have are my thoughts? What if I don't come back with the next greatest novel that I believe some people are expecting? What if I disappoint those I love by not showing out in the way they are hoping for? 

But do you know what terrifies me even worse than all that? Losing my saltiness. Becoming useless to God. How could I turn my back and ignore the One who loved me at my worst? The One who saved me from my persecutors. The One who never gave up on me, even when everyone else had. The One who breathed new life and new breath into me. The One who gave me a new purpose and a new direction. The One who looks at my quirkiness and free-spirit and tells me it's all beautiful and intentional and useful. 

So I did it. I came to the camper with a plan of 4 days. I didn't put it on a calendar and make appointments around it. I talked with my husband and (probably because of how well he knows me) he said I should go the next day. So I did. I left Monday morning and I've been here ever since. I can't say I have been alone, however, because God is most definitely here with me. He's teaching me obedience in the most loving way. (Like turning back to go pick up litter I passed on a trail even though I didn't think I needed to because it wasn't my problem...) 

The first day and a half was filled with me trying to fulfill the world's expectations. I desperately tried to write what would become a manuscript for a book. That's why I'm here, right? To write. So I tried writing whatever came to mind. I tried and tried and just came up frustrated and with random stories of my life experiences. Then God finally asked if I was done spending this time with expectations, and ready to spend time with Him. We went for a walk. He showed me the beauty of His creation that stares me in the face almost every weekend, but I fail to notice. I faced my fears and took the kayak out on the empty lake. It was peaceful and serene and incredible. (And I didn't get eaten by a lake monster, so it's a win, right?!)

I don't know what the next 2 and a half days will hold, but I do know that God will be here with me. Hanging out with me. Opening my eyes to things I had either forgotten or never seen before. If you don't know Jesus, this whole post will seem crazy to you. You probably think I should be committed. That's ok. God has taught me to stop caring about what anyone thinks or expects. He is the only one who matters and I know how very real He is. I hear Him, I see Him, I feel Him, heck- I've even laughed with him! 

Side Note: Almost right away I realized that I had run out of propane. That meant no hot water for showers or dishes, no cooking on the stove or grill, and basic misery for a city girl like myself. I literally cried (like for real- I cried spoiled girl tears). I wondered if I should even be here. I had no car to get more propane and I knew God wanted me to stay off my phone, so I couldn't call anyone. That's when God showed me I had bought fire wood and it wasn't raining. I could cook over the fire and boil water for dishes. I've taken cold showers before and I survived, so I guess I could do that too. I can't tell you how resourceful I felt scrubbing my dishes with fire water. It just reminded me that no matter what the situation appears to be, God finds a way. He handles it before the situation even arises. There's always another way. 

Also, I broke down and text Mike. He faithfully and lovingly brought me propane today right before it rained for the rest of the entire day. I showered. It was lovely. God is so stinking wonderful!