Faith vs Fear

Well I spilled the beans. Our latest adventure has been exposed and I realize, there's lots of people who can relate. One of the things Mike and I have rarely had to walk through in our marriage is financial insecurity. God has provided for us in abundance since we were in our early years of marriage. We had money, even then, but we had to choose either Christmas gifts for our kids, or travel home to MN to visit family. We never had enough for both. Not until we gave our finances to God. 

Having each other's backs since 2010

We started tithing as a form of worship, and not out of obligation or expectation. I started asking God to give me a number and I would write that on the check and give it back to Him. Since then, we have been able to buy houses, vehicles, campers, an ATV, and a golf cart. That's just the toys, people. That's not counting the food, electric bills, propane, house payments, etc. God isn't just giving us back what we offer Him, but He's been showering us with more than we could ever need.

I remember this transition of being broke all the time and considering pawning my wedding ring just to feed my family, and I thank God for all that He has done. My husband, on the other hand sees the world a whole lot differently than I do. While I am annoyingly optimistic and eternally resilient, Mike considers all the worst possibilities and keeps them in the back of his mind. I choose to remember how God has saved us time and time again, while Mike remembers having cars repossessed and having to move back in with his dad because he was so broke (mind you, these were times before Mike knew and loved God).

Mike was immediately angry when he received the news of his being laid off. (I want to be clear on that. While, in the moment, Mike used the word- fired- the reality is that his position was no longer going to be in existence, so he was actually simply laid off. This was due to no fault of his, which being "fired" implicates.) He was upset that his company knew of this for weeks, and never told him until 2 weeks prior to the end. During our conversation in the garage when he revealed the big news, he became less angry and more peaceful as I encouraged him. I reminded him of our previous conversation about God moving pieces around, and he settled down considerably. He was putting things into perspective and starting to be able to see something other than gloom and doom.

Mike started to do something that he hasn't done in years. He started to dream. He started to consider different possibilities. He began asking himself what he wants to be when he grows up. He started looking at the possibility of going back to school and doing something that might actually bring him a semblance of joy. 

See, Mike has been stuck in this place for a long time. He hated this job. He has been completely isolated, working totally alone. No co-workers whatsoever. There was his shuttle driver that he developed a friendship with, however that man has moved and taken a different position within the company- so Mike is all alone once again. Being so isolated every single day has been really hard on him. It has effected his health, as well as his mental state. 

He hasn't felt able to leave, however, because of the amount of money he's been making. The money is just too good to walk away from. Mike likes that he has the ability to go buy a new ATV if he wants, or take us to dinner on a whim. He also likes the idea that I don't have to work. That I can be home and available for the kids and whoever else might need me. 

But now that I am going back to work, Mike has the option of getting a lesser paying, more enjoyable and beneficial job. Well, actually, now he is forced too.. which to me is a blessing. I honestly can't say that Mike would have ever actually left that job, no matter what I was bringing in financially. He has a fear of change. A fear of the unknown. "Don't rock the boat!" "Leave well enough alone!" 

Due to his PTSD, Mike struggles immensely with anxiety. There are so many fears about the "what ifs" floating around in his mind, that at times it can be paralyzing. With this job ending, you can imagine how his brain wanted to explode. But, he isn't alone. He has me. His wife. I am apart of him and I bring something new and different to the table. It's my job to help him see the bright side. To help him remember all the times that God has been faithful to provide for us. To help him find hope and faith in the midst of his fear. 

Sysco offered Mike a different position through an office based out of Baraboo, WI. It's less money, but it's something. So, Mike decided to accept that position, while he applies and interviews for other jobs. He is tired of driving. He is tired of being alone all the time. So my prayer is that God provides him with a better job, and when He does- that Mike isn't too scared to accept it.

I know in my last post, I showed my thoughts and feelings. I showed the faith that God has blessed me with. But, there's a lot of people going through similar situations who don't react the way I did. My own husband didn't react the same. It's important for us, who faith comes naturally to, to remind others of who God is and what He is capable of. Mike would have gone crazy that day. I don't know what would have happened had I not come home and helped diffuse the situation. He needed someone to step in and remind him that God is in control and that we are going to be ok. He needed someone to open that part of his mind and heart that doesn't open automatically. We can't keep our faith and hope to ourselves. It's our job to spread it like wildfire, because I promise you- fear is doing just that.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

-2 Corinthians 4:16-18