Not just another Saturday night....

Today was a Saturday like every other Saturday. I woke up way later than I had hoped, and wound up having to change my afternoon plans because of it. Eh.. no big deal. There were lots of other things that needed to get done. 

I had plans to do a few things today, but my heart was most excited about 6pm in Rice Lake, Wisconsin. I had planned to visit a church that I had heard was pretty incredible. According to these reports, the Spirit of God was so tangible in this place that people had a hard time getting their faces off the floor. You can tell why I needed to check it out, right?! Isn't this the same Spirit-filled, Holy Spirit-led kind of experience I had been seeking for 3 years?!

A couple of us turned into 6 women carpooling the 45 minutes to Rice Lake, full of excitement and expectation. After eating Dairy Queen for dinner (cause when you don't have kids along, you can do that. Seriously guys. You can eat ice cream without even eating anything of substance. I did it. I didn't get arrested or yelled at or punished. And I didn't drop dead either. It was pretty exhilarating.) we made our way to the church.

This place was unassuming. It was on the main strip in what I think is downtown Rice Lake. It was not 3 city blocks wide. It didn't even have a parking lot. We parked on the street and walked to the back of the building where we entered through the back entrance. (Yeah we got a little nervous. We hoped we weren't going to walk onto the stage or something crazy like that.)

When we entered, we came through a door in the rear of the main sanctuary. I still cannot tell you what the front entrance looks like or if there is any kind of other rooms. There was maybe about 30-40 people there when we arrived and most of the seats hadn't been claimed yet. We chose a row of seats near the bathroom (cause you know we've had a lot of kids and need to always keep near the restrooms). 

The room was not massive. If I have to guess, I would say it could hold maybe 200-300 people. The stage was decent and the worship band had all the instruments you could desire. It was a beautiful and simple sanctuary. I love that it wasn't overly extravagant. There was nothing intimidating about this place. The room reflected a message of "everyone is welcome" and "you belong here". 

The people all had smiles and seemed to know each other. I was surprised to see so many college aged people. 20s-30s seemed to be the biggest demographic, although it most certainly was not the only one. Everyone looked kind and inviting.

My friend (who had been here before and invited us to visit) quickly introduced us to the lead pastors. They were a married couple, and I'm telling you guys- Jesus is seeping through their pores. They had an air of calm and peace about them. I felt like I could tell them anything because it was as if I had known them for years. They seemed genuinely interested in meeting us and happy that we were there. 

Soon worship started. Ok, some of you know that I have been a bit of a worship snob. I don't know if it's because our church in Georgia was known as a worship based church, or because I love to fill my house and ears with the sounds of Jesus Culture and Bethel Worship, but I have a hard time connecting in a church where the worship is "off". 

This worship was far from off. The very first song they sung was an old song and most of the people I came with had never heard it. It is far from modern, but it is a familiar tune from my time serving with Tres Dias. It is a song near and dear to my heart and it instantly made me feel at home. It was like God was saying, "It's ok, Babygirl, let go. Connect. It's safe here."

It just got better from there.

In minutes I was crying as usual. Nothing new there. Holy Spirit makes me into a blubbering mess regularly. God was reassuring me that He is in control and that all the promises He's made to me still stand. Over and over again He was soothing me with comforting promises of provision and peace through the storms I am walking through. 

After a bit, one of the lead pastors got up front and started speaking to anyone who might need prayer for healing. Immediately my legs from the knee down started burning. Both legs. Only knees to ankles. Burning. Hmmm... that's strange. Then my heart started to flutter and the butterflies in my tummy went nuts. 

Wait. I don't need healing. You want me to go to the front for healing that I don't need? There's nothing wrong with me. Right? 

Well, I don't know if any of you have been successful arguing with God, but I have yet to win. So, I went to the front with my people right along with me. I stood there. I didn't know what to do so I closed my eyes and sang, "Jesus Jesus.. you make the darkness tremble.. Jesus Jesus.. you silence fear.." over and over again. Suddenly there was a woman praying over me and she touched my throat (where my thyroid had once been) and said matter of fact, "there it is.," then she moved on to pray for the next person.

There it is? My throat? My thyroid? She couldn't know my thyroid was removed 6 years ago due to cancer. She couldn't know the struggles I have had with my health and weight every single day since. I just kept singing, "Jesus Jesus..."

Then a man comes and prays over me a few minutes later. I prayed and asked God to let me fully surrender to Him. I don't want to hold anything back anymore. 

Like a house of cards on a windy day, I crumbled to the floor as if I had no legs. Collapsed on the floor, sobbing (like ugly sobbing, people. There was nothing cute about this. Loud, ugly, snotty, dripping sobs roared out of me), I had zero control over what was happening and I was so content in that. I had no idea why I was crying. I just told God that whatever this was, He could have it. I didn't want it anymore. 

"I will give you a new thyroid"

Clear as a bell I heard as if someone standing next to me had said it. I tried to ruin it by thinking maybe this is God telling me to ask Him to regrow my thyroid, or maybe this is Him saying He will fix my symptoms. 

"I will give you a new thyroid."

Again! Clear as day. Ok, God. I stopped arguing and began thanking Him. What mercy and miracle would this be to have a part of my body that was fully removed miraculously regrow?! Thank you God for being the One who creates thyroids! Thank you for having the recipe for a perfect one!

After much crying and sobbing and sniffling and deep breaths, I finally regained enough strength to stand (although I could've stayed on that floor forever). I went back to my seat and realized every one of the women I came with was having their own experience. All of our makeup was totally jacked and we were all smiling hopeful, puffy eyed smiles at one another. 

Then the message began. Yeah, I know- all this and we haven't even gotten to the message. (My mind was blown too.) It was from one of the most relatable speakers I have ever heard, A young woman only 4 years into her faith was given a platform to speak to the church a word that God had given her. What profound wonderful thing is this? And guess what, it was one of the most challenging, encouraging, scripture filled, Spirit breathed messages I have ever heard. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I truly believe my life will look a whole lot different after hearing it. 

I came home on fire. I was talking to my kids about Holy Spirit living in them and teaching them that they have as much power as I do to lay hands and heal someone. I boldly asked my husband to pray with me to which he did. I laid hands on his knee and commanded healing. I even came across a Facebook post of a man I didn't know who was in a car accident and on life support while they figure out about donating his organs, and you know what I did? I didn't pray peace for his wife and kids (although I probably should have), I boldly commanded life back into this man. I declared that by Christ's striped he is healed. I prayed in Jesus name for his brain to begin functioning and working and thinking better than ever before. I prayed total and complete healing in Jesus name. 

I have no idea what will come of that man, but God reassured me that's between him and God. I did what the Bible called me to do. The rest is up to Him. 

As you go, proclaim this message. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near. Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons, freely you have received; freely give. - Matthew 10:7-8

So I guess you could say today was pretty spectacular. God decided to take me to a new level with Him and I am in awe. I already tried to go to bed once and this stirring within me wouldn't relent. I hope I can rest after publishing this, but we will see what else He might have in store for me. Whatever happens, I know this to be true- that God is faithful and in complete control. 

Lord, I pray you supernaturally touch the one reading this post. I pray a blessing of abundance and provision beyond what they could ever need. I pray a peace and comfort like nothing else in this world can begin to mimic. I pray for those who need healing, that they realize the Healer lives within them and they've held the power all along. I pray for the one who doesn't know you yet. I pray you encounter them in a way that makes them realize you are who you say you are. I pray salvation, redemption, and restoration for the lost. I pray mercy, grace, and faith for the hurting. I pray an overwhelming portion of love for all. In Jesus mighty name, Amen.  

Faith vs Fear

Well I spilled the beans. Our latest adventure has been exposed and I realize, there's lots of people who can relate. One of the things Mike and I have rarely had to walk through in our marriage is financial insecurity. God has provided for us in abundance since we were in our early years of marriage. We had money, even then, but we had to choose either Christmas gifts for our kids, or travel home to MN to visit family. We never had enough for both. Not until we gave our finances to God. 

Having each other's backs since 2010

We started tithing as a form of worship, and not out of obligation or expectation. I started asking God to give me a number and I would write that on the check and give it back to Him. Since then, we have been able to buy houses, vehicles, campers, an ATV, and a golf cart. That's just the toys, people. That's not counting the food, electric bills, propane, house payments, etc. God isn't just giving us back what we offer Him, but He's been showering us with more than we could ever need.

I remember this transition of being broke all the time and considering pawning my wedding ring just to feed my family, and I thank God for all that He has done. My husband, on the other hand sees the world a whole lot differently than I do. While I am annoyingly optimistic and eternally resilient, Mike considers all the worst possibilities and keeps them in the back of his mind. I choose to remember how God has saved us time and time again, while Mike remembers having cars repossessed and having to move back in with his dad because he was so broke (mind you, these were times before Mike knew and loved God).

Mike was immediately angry when he received the news of his being laid off. (I want to be clear on that. While, in the moment, Mike used the word- fired- the reality is that his position was no longer going to be in existence, so he was actually simply laid off. This was due to no fault of his, which being "fired" implicates.) He was upset that his company knew of this for weeks, and never told him until 2 weeks prior to the end. During our conversation in the garage when he revealed the big news, he became less angry and more peaceful as I encouraged him. I reminded him of our previous conversation about God moving pieces around, and he settled down considerably. He was putting things into perspective and starting to be able to see something other than gloom and doom.

Mike started to do something that he hasn't done in years. He started to dream. He started to consider different possibilities. He began asking himself what he wants to be when he grows up. He started looking at the possibility of going back to school and doing something that might actually bring him a semblance of joy. 

See, Mike has been stuck in this place for a long time. He hated this job. He has been completely isolated, working totally alone. No co-workers whatsoever. There was his shuttle driver that he developed a friendship with, however that man has moved and taken a different position within the company- so Mike is all alone once again. Being so isolated every single day has been really hard on him. It has effected his health, as well as his mental state. 

He hasn't felt able to leave, however, because of the amount of money he's been making. The money is just too good to walk away from. Mike likes that he has the ability to go buy a new ATV if he wants, or take us to dinner on a whim. He also likes the idea that I don't have to work. That I can be home and available for the kids and whoever else might need me. 

But now that I am going back to work, Mike has the option of getting a lesser paying, more enjoyable and beneficial job. Well, actually, now he is forced too.. which to me is a blessing. I honestly can't say that Mike would have ever actually left that job, no matter what I was bringing in financially. He has a fear of change. A fear of the unknown. "Don't rock the boat!" "Leave well enough alone!" 

Due to his PTSD, Mike struggles immensely with anxiety. There are so many fears about the "what ifs" floating around in his mind, that at times it can be paralyzing. With this job ending, you can imagine how his brain wanted to explode. But, he isn't alone. He has me. His wife. I am apart of him and I bring something new and different to the table. It's my job to help him see the bright side. To help him remember all the times that God has been faithful to provide for us. To help him find hope and faith in the midst of his fear. 

Sysco offered Mike a different position through an office based out of Baraboo, WI. It's less money, but it's something. So, Mike decided to accept that position, while he applies and interviews for other jobs. He is tired of driving. He is tired of being alone all the time. So my prayer is that God provides him with a better job, and when He does- that Mike isn't too scared to accept it.

I know in my last post, I showed my thoughts and feelings. I showed the faith that God has blessed me with. But, there's a lot of people going through similar situations who don't react the way I did. My own husband didn't react the same. It's important for us, who faith comes naturally to, to remind others of who God is and what He is capable of. Mike would have gone crazy that day. I don't know what would have happened had I not come home and helped diffuse the situation. He needed someone to step in and remind him that God is in control and that we are going to be ok. He needed someone to open that part of his mind and heart that doesn't open automatically. We can't keep our faith and hope to ourselves. It's our job to spread it like wildfire, because I promise you- fear is doing just that.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

-2 Corinthians 4:16-18     

Change is coming.. ready or not..

It was a Monday when I called my husband to chat about this or that. He was harsh and very sharp-toned with me. He had no patience for my usual silly nonsense. He was driving with most of our kids in his truck and told me he had to go. He was too mad to talk to me right then. I was at my mom's house visiting, and knew I needed to leave right away. Whatever had happened, my Mama Bear mentality kicked in and I knew I needed to protect Mike from the kids, and the kids from Mike. 

I arrived home not long before them, and as the kids began piling out of the vehicle, I simply stared them down with the "what did you do?!" mom look. Mike assured me almost immediately that the kids were fine. They had done nothing wrong. So, I relaxed my face and gave my babies their hugs and kisses and gently asked them to go in the house so I could chat with their dad. 

"So what's wrong? What happened?" I asked. I had assumed, since the kids hadn't been terrible, that it must be work. Work is the only thing that makes him this mad, and it's usually because he consistently gets the short end of every stick. I also knew that he had put in for some vacation time. We had hoped to travel to Georgia to visit our family/friends there at the end of the month. I assumed he had finally gotten a hold of someone and was denied his vacation time... again...

He looked at me, smirked facetiously, and said, "I got fired."

Say what, now?!? Fired?! Oh, he is being silly. Trying to make light of the situation and tell his weird jokes. He couldn't be serious...

"No, really. They just called and told me my route is being terminated due to Popeye's using a different distributor." (Mike predominately delivers to Popeye's Chicken in the cities.)

Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. 

The absence of panic, fear, anxiety, and frustration were deafening. Why wasn't I freaking out? Why wasn't I mad? Why wasn't I giving Mike crazy creepy smirks out of my insane frustration with this mismanaged company?! 

Oh, yeah. Because God. God had been preparing us for this. He knew a long time ago this was coming and He's been prepping us- even in the last week.

Let's back up to early September. On a whim, I decided to apply for an administrative position at the nearby prison, thinking it sounded really interesting. I applied online and honestly, I forgot all about it. 

Fast forward back to the Friday before Mike's angry work call. I received an email from the prison. It was asking me to interview for a specific position that sounds absolutely amazing! I was instantly hooked and incredibly interested. But, is this a good thing? Should I go to work full time? The pay is great and the benefits are way better than our current ones. The job sounds interesting and would basically give me a place to be until I retire. This would be a career. Am I ready for this? After years of odd jobs and amazing temporary places, my kids are all in school, settled, and ready for mom to do something for her. Or are they? 

I called Mike right away and told him only the facts. That I got an email, it's asking me to interview. What does he think? Mike was immediately excited and said it sounded wonderful! He thought I should interview and try to get the job. He said he had a feeling, a hunch, that Popeye's might be switching distributors within the year. He said, he felt like God was beginning to move the pieces around and set us up for a change. This was potentially one of those pieces. 

I decided to take the interview (which I have yet to do, as they were preparing interview dates and times and will get back to me sometime this coming week). 

Then Monday happened. I had peace. I was in no way concerned that our main source of income, and our only source of medical, dental, and vision was about to be done. We had 2 weeks. Only 2 weeks to come up with new sources. But I was fine. Actually, I was more than fine. I was excited. This was it! These were the pieces being moved around that Mike unknowingly prophesied about. This was God changing things up for us! This was the opportunity I had yearned for. The chance for Mike to leave a job that was killing him and to step out in faith and do something that might actually bring him joy. 

That was the day I decided to dive in and send out my resume to everyone everywhere. Seriously, guys, I applied for jobs that I am not even close to qualified for. I might have even applied for a surgeon position.. it's all a blur now... 

Killed the 1st interview!

I immediately got called back on 3 other interviews, and 3 other phone interviews. Secretly, I am still hoping for the first interview (the one that hasn't happened yet) to be the job that I get. That's the one that excites me the most and sparks an interest within me that I haven't had in awhile. (You know, what with all the wiping butts, cooking meals, feeding dogs, brushing hair, giving baths, and other mom/wife things that have occupied my every thought.)

I asked God to guide me. Lead me to His will for my job life. Where does He want me? I don't want to make any mistakes and I don't want to go where He doesn't go first. 

Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.- Exodus 33:15

So I went to the first interview. I was so relaxed and comfortable and on top of my game. It went really well and I know I impressed the gentleman who interviewed me. This company wound up calling me back the next day to meet the other owner. I went back in for a second interview and had the best time! I was so connected with this amazing woman. I left feeling conflicted because this would have been a perfect job for me with amazing people who I got along so well with! However, I couldn't get the prison job out of my head.

2nd interview- Success!

I begged God to let this company pick someone else for the position if this wasn't His will for me. I begged Him to not ask me to pick. I wanted Him to pick. Honestly, I don't know which I would've chosen, and I agonized for days over it. 

Yesterday, I went to another interview. It was for a position with a different office within the Department of Corrections. A very interesting job with some amazing people. Dangit! Not again! I had hoped these jobs would suck and the people would be awful, so I would not be conflicted about wanting another job other than the one my heart was set on. I really did not want to have to choose. 

This morning I found an email in my inbox that informed me I was not chosen for the position that I had 2 interviews with. There was my answer. God had chosen for me and while I was so grateful, I was honestly a little disappointed. I don't know if it's rejection issues or pride, but there's a broken thing in me that desperately wants everyone to accept me, love me, and approve of me. This company chose someone else- as I had specifically asked God to arrange, pending His plans. So I should've been relieved, and most of me was. I guess this waiting is teaching me a lot.

Prison interview! Then babysitting...

Later this afternoon I received a call back from Monday's interview with the DOC. They were really impressed with me, and would like a second interview with me this coming Thursday. I don't know what will come of this, but I pray that God, again, will intervene and choose for me. If this is it, it wouldn't be terrible at all. I really think I would love this job, but I need to be where God leads me in order to maintain this perfect peace. 

Whatever it looks like, I have to trust Him. 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9  

Why Do We Worship?

Have you ever met someone who didn't like music? I don't know that I have. Sure, everyone has their own likes and dislikes for different genres and songs, but I can't recall knowing anyone who doesn't like all music in general. That's just crazy.

But I have known some people who aren't really into the worship music at church. It's not their style or favorite by any means. They would rather die than be caught swaying and raising their hands, let alone actually sing out loud with the worship band. I am, by no means, judging or criticizing these people. In fact, my gorgeous husband is one of these people. Don't get me wrong, he does enjoy and sing along with some of the songs, but it's not his favorite part of the service. 

These people really could care less if we skipped worship all together and just got to the heart of the service- the message. The word of God. They come to church to learn what God has to teach them, and I respect that. 

There is, however, a nagging thought that I can't seem to escape. Why do we worship? What is happening when we are singing? What is the point in the band and the people and the words on the screen? Why don't we just dive right in to the meat? Don't worry, I've done some praying and researching, and I have discovered some incredible things. 

Remember those songs in your life that seemed to connect to exactly where you were? It was as if they were written just for you and whatever you happened to be going through at the time? I remember going through a bad breakup and screaming at the top of my lungs to Picture To Burn by Taylor Swift. My anthem when I left my family and life behind me was I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts. I still think of my sister and the season when we grew closest to each other when I hear Umbrella by Rihanna. 

It was through Contemporary Christian music that God wooed me back into His arms. It sparked something in my heart and caused me to want to go back to church. Once there, of course I didn't know any of the worship songs and wouldn't be caught dead raising my hands. At first, worship was something I patiently waited through. Some people standing in front of the church making noise. This kind of music was nothing that I could ever see myself connecting with. Ever. 

Then I moved to Georgia, where we started attending a church that inspired something new in me. It introduced me to a place where the Spirit of God and melody intertwined in the most beautiful way. It connected with me, not just emotionally, but also spiritually. It was a new experience that I couldn't get enough of! I came to a place where I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to spend all day in worship. Why would anyone not want to sing their hearts out, and raise their hands, and move their bodies to the music that wrapped around each soul in the room?! 

I discovered there are hundreds of scriptures telling us to sing and give praise to the Lord. Did you know that? Guys. Hundreds of scriptures. Over 400 references to singing, and 50 direct commands to sing. The Book of Psalms is an entire book of songs, and it's the longest book in the Bible! This tells me that it's pretty important to God. 

Oh sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day. -Psalm 96:1-2

Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!- Psalm 47:6

God loves worship! He loves singing! Not just hearing us, but did you know that He sings over us?!? 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

To me, the church service is laid out in a specific way for a specific reason. A good reason. 

*You start with a prayer- asking God to have His way in this meeting and to be glorified by whatever happens. 

*Then you move into worship- a way of ushering in a connection between you and the Spirit of God. A way of getting your mind and your heart ready to receive what He has for you that day. A way to praise your Father for all that He has done and continues to do. It gets you in the right posture for receiving His word- a posture of surrender. Hence the hands in the air. (It's like when someone points a gun at you and you raise your hands in surrender, letting the person know they have full control over the situation.. except God doesn't bring a gun (duh)- just peace, mercy, guidance, all that good stuff.) When we come to God acknowledging that we have absolutely nothing to offer Him other than our praises, it puts things into perspective. It reminds us how small we are and how great He is. 

*The next step is getting into the Word of God.- We are now in a place where we can actually learn. Our hearts and minds are set on the greatness of who God is and our pride and egos are sitting outside. We are able to not be offended by what the word says, but to actually learn and allow God to mold and change us. 

*Last step might be another worship song.- A way of thanking God for teaching us and growing us and providing always for us, and never giving up on us- even in our hardheartedness.

Since being at our current church, I have watched people very close to me grow exponentially in their faith. I have seen people who were so closed off for so long come to a point of total surrender. These people who stood quietly and patiently during worship, maybe singing a little, but not willing to make a fool of themselves are getting baptized spontaneously, singing at the top of their lungs, and just this past Sunday I saw people with their arms fully extended and hands open to God, as if they were trying to just get a touch of Heaven. It's that kind of sold-out, all-in, never-looking-back mentality that is freeing them from the chains this world has kept them in.

So if you're one of those people who doesn't really understand, I encourage you to ask God to dig deeper. Ask God to search within you and find that part of you that has been closed off to Him. Because I know that you want a full relationship with your Father. I know you want to go deeper. I know you don't want a piece of yourself kept hidden. 

If the stars were made to worship so will I

If the mountains bow in reverence so will I

If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I

For if everything exists to lift You high so will I

If the wind goes where You send it so will I

If the rocks cry out in silence so will I

If the sum of all our praises still falls shy

          Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times           

What the heck is a Tres Dias?!

Several years ago I signed up to attend a women's weekend retreat. Tres Dias. 3 days with God. Those who I knew were a part of it, wouldn't tell me much about it other than how amazing it was. They continued to encourage me to be "open minded" which only furthered my suspicions of this being some kind of crazy backwoods cult. 

This is the actual photo from this very day.

The day I was prepping to go, my daughter, Sophia, laid on my bathroom floor running a fever of 104 degrees. She was crying to her mommy not to leave her. Yeah, you can imagine the overwhelming guilt I was feeling and readiness to abandon this whole cult weekend. But, Mike had just gone through on the men's weekend (the men have their own Tres Dias weekend before the women have theirs.) and he was on fire! He was insistent that I go, no matter what. He assured me that he would be there taking the best care of Sophia. 

Ok, I don't know if you know my husband or not. But, those of you who do, know that he very rarely insists on anything. The few times he has a strong opinion on some decision that needs to be made, I listen up, because in those times he is rarely wrong. He's like Silent Bob. (If you don't know who Silent Bob is, then I'm sorry.) He rarely speaks up, but when he does it's profound and incredible. 

Well I made Mike promise to take Sophia to the hospital when Tylenol wouldn't touch her fever. As his car turned right out of our neighborhood to go to the hospital, my friend's car turned left to take me to a far away campground in the middle of the woods, probably to never be seen again. 

Once I got to the camp, my friend took my cell phone (I don't wear a watch because it makes me feel like I'm in handcuffs (I know it's weird- I feel the same about socks- it all makes me feel like I'm in prison), or she would've taken that too) and they ushered me into a room with a bunch of other women. Some were chatting and smiling and laughing, clearly they knew each other. Some, like me, were nervous and apprehensive. Looking around, wondering who was safe enough for me to survive this weekend with. 

Ok, I realize that I am talking like TD is a crazy weird place where they sacrifice your first born, but it's not. That is simply how I felt. I was in a strange place with new people. I had all control taken from me (guys- I know you might be unaware, but I am a massive control freak- this was the first time God really began to show me the beauty and freedom of being out of control) and my daughter was in a hospital somewhere probably dying of meningitis. So my nerves were shot and my attitude was sour. I didn't want to like any of these women who were all so well put together. Their hair was perfect, makeup on point, clothes off a mannequin somewhere. They were all better than me. They were all definitely closer to Jesus. Or so my judgmental mind chose to think at the time. 

By the end of the weekend, these women became my family. They had appeared to have something I didn't, and it was true. They knew a deep joy and love of God that I hadn't yet experienced the day I arrived. But when I left, y'all I looked just like them! The joy of the Lord was beaming from me! I had a sparkle in my eye because I had just spent 3 days being whispered to by my Abba Daddy. I had been served, loved, cared for, spoken kindly too, and honored like I had never before in my life. These people showed me who Jesus really is. They did all this for me without wanting anything in return. I had never known a love like that. 

By Sunday I was probably dehydrated from the massive crying that I did all weekend. Healing waters poured from my eyes as my Father took my broken heart that I had glued together, and gently cleaned out the dark spots and made it whole again. I learned so much and I am pretty sure I cried/talked my husband's ear off for days about what happened there. 

I went back to serve and it just got better. I have been committed to serving TD ever since. Even moving to Wisconsin, we found Minnesota Tres Dias and I have served just about every one since I got here. There are imperfect people, like me, who serve. These people make mistakes and they trip and sometimes fall on their faces. But, we are people. We are fallible. And God has reminded me that He uses each of us and He continues to show up and show out each time despite us.

I fully believe in this ministry called Tres Dias. I believe in the surprises and mystery surrounding it. I believe God doesn't want us to be in control, but to give it to Him and trust Him with it. I believe if we were told all that happened by our friends and family, then we would enter the weekend with an expectation and we would wind up totally missing what God has specifically for us. He speaks to each person in their own individual way. In His wisdom, He knows that we all have different needs and He wants to provide them tenderly and gently. I am beyond grateful for this ministry and I encourage you to attend a weekend. I promise it will change you for the better. It will open your eyes to greater things and bring you exponentially closer to your Abba Father who desires an intimacy with you like you've never known. 

Oh, and by the way.... Mike told me later, by the time he arrived with Sophia to the hospital, her fever was completely gone. She was her silly playful self, like nothing had happened. Thankfully I trust my husband's leading enough to listen even when I don't agree or don't want too. He knew something that I couldn't understand at the time. He knew it was all a ploy of the enemy to stop me from going and discovering who God really is. So, we won. And every time we choose to trust God, we win again. 

 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.  How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

 And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked,because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

 Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

 And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.

-Exodus 33:14-19   

      

Taking Back What's Hers

Have you ever gone to bed at night and just had this awful feeling that there was someone or something lurking in the corner of the room? Maybe on the ceiling? (Yeah, we've all seen that movie..) Or even under your bed? Something dark and sinister. Something that is ready to creep up to your bedside and grab your ankle the moment your blanket betrays you and uncovers your unsuspecting foot. 

Yeah, I have struggled with this for a long time. I chose to watch some terrifying movies in the past that have stuck in my memory like a cold that just keeps sneaking up on you as soon as you think you've shook it. God's been teaching me how to take my sleep back, and as long as I actually listen to Him, I know I can have perfect peace. 

The problem lately, has been with my daughter. She has let go of my hand, and has begun walking alongside me, keeping her eyes on Jesus. She has decided for herself to go all in and pursue a relationship with Him all on her own. It is seriously one of the best parts of being her mom. Watching her spiritual life flourish, as she continues learning who she really is and what she really wants. The closer and more rooted she becomes in Christ, the more joy she has, the more peace she possesses, and the less people and things around her are able to affect her emotionally. 

So where's the problem?! 

Well, Luciana has experienced some really scary and supernatural things in her life. From the time she was a little girl, we have had to combat the terrors that come at night in every home we have lived in. She not only has those awful feelings of something being in the room with her, but she has actually seen dark, demonic things in her room in the past. It was always the same thing and it was always terrifying. She had to learn from a young age how to take back her territory and claim what is hers. 

This past weekend she wasn't able to sleep. She had those creepy feelings and sensed something in the room with her. She get very little sleep, and it was with every light in the room on. Needless to say, when I got home from the camper on Sunday, we knew we had to do something. 

I want to encourage you, if you haven't already, to bless your home. I am not talking about burning sage and speaking in tongues. We have blessed our homes (and campers) by walking through each room, praying and reading the Word of God. Anointing the things that Holy Spirit tells us with oil and removing things He doesn't want in our home. 

Sunday night, Luci and I went to her room. She read the entire Psalm 91 while I silently prayed, asking Holy Spirit to have His way. When she was finished, I grabbed her hand and we prayed together. Then, I began walking around to each corner of the room, praying that God would claim each inch for His glory and His purpose. 

I came to the corner by her bedroom door. As I closed the door I choked on my breath. It felt like something jumped out at me and I had an overwhelming sense of fear try to overtake me. I had to turn and walk the other way for a second to regain myself. It was at that moment that Luci said, "that's the corner that creeps me out." I didn't want to scare Luci, so I just kept praying and I went back to the corner a few times, reciting scripture and casting out whatever evil was there.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust."

Finally I felt peace in that corner. But, y'all- it took a lot of prayer! It took us not being afraid to stand on the Word of God. To declare that it is truth and to believe it. Many people think that all you have to do is say it once and it's done. I am not saying that God isn't capable- because, duh... He can do anything. But even Jesus told Legion more than once to leave the poor guy in the tombs before they actually listened and left the man. 

Once that was done, we asked Holy Spirit to tell Luci if there was anything in the room that she needed to get rid of. You might be thinking I am totally nuts at this point, in which case, I am ok with. People thought Jesus was nuts, so I am in good company. But the reality is, that things matter. 

I explained to Luci that she wants her room to be a sanctuary. A shelter of the Most High. A refuge and fortress. She wants her room to be like the Holy of Holies. I then explained to her how the Holy of Holies was the place where the Spirit of God dwelt before Jesus died and the veil was torn. It was such a sacred and holy place, that before the high priest could enter to offer their sacrifices to God, they had to undergo a rigorous purification process. Even after undergoing this process, they went into the room with a rope tied to their ankle and probably with a whole lot of fear. I mean, if there was any sin in them, they would drop dead and their carcass would have to be pulled out via the rope on their ankle.

Don't you want your bedroom, where you lay your head, where you are at your most vulnerable, to be a place where evil drops dead the moment it enters? That's what I want too! So Holy Spirit began showing Luci the items in her room that she needed to remove. The things that He would never want in His throne room. The things that didn't glorify and honor Him. 

Among these items, was an elephant candle Luci had recently purchased. She really likes this candle, however, it is painted in a way that makes it really appear as a relic to the Hindu gods. Even though Luci doesn't worship any Hindu gods, she knew she couldn't have another religion's idol in the temple of God. There was also some books. Harry Potter books. Luci hadn't even read them all and didn't really have much interest. No big deal right? Well, did you know that when researching for the books, the author dug into real witchcraft and used actual spells in the novels? So here's a book with actual spells sitting in the Holy of Holies... ah no way. 

I am sure some of you are thinking (because I thought it too)- it's just stuff. It's no big deal. That isn't where her heart lies, so who cares? Well.... exactly. It's not anything that matters to her. It's not something that she holds dear, so who cares if she purges it? I liken it to when Mike and I got married. (I am a bit of a jealous person...) He had a bunch of these cute single girls on his Facebook page. He was friends with them and they meant nothing to him. But they bothered me. Even though they meant nothing to him, because they hurt me- he deleted them. Because he loves me and values our relationship over having some random girls that he barely knows on his social media. 

Well, God is a jealous God. 

 You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me...

Exodus 20:5

There were a couple things that Luci wanted to keep, but wanted to be sure that it honored God, so we prayed and asked God to purify them and for Holy Spirit to help Luci only use them to glorify and honor God. 

There were things that reminded Luci of a time when she was not living for God. Maybe a time when she was in the darkest place of her life. Maybe a time when she was betrayed or hurt. A time when she lied and betrayed those she loves. A time when she was chasing after things that weren't good for her. These things she didn't want to keep around anymore. She didn't want reminders of her sin and shame and heartache. She wants to move forward in hope, love, peace, and ridiculous grace. 

I know you're wondering, so I will tell you, that Monday Luci awoke from the best sleep she's had in a very long time. Viewing her room as a temple of God, as the Holy of Holies, as the throne room has changed a lot for her. She is more conscious of what she allows in her sanctuary and what she doesn't. And she now has perfect peace.

You keep him in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,

    because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3