Sarah Takes on DC (double chin)... again....

So, I have been doing a thing. A new thing. A thing I have done exactly 3 other times in my entire life. That's right, I have been working out. With weights, dumbbells, and foreign words like "squats", "curls", "shrugs", and my least favorite "skull-crushers". 

I'd like to say it's been 3 full weeks now, but the reality is that I took an entire week off for Thanksgiving (and a personal breakdown). So, it's been almost 2 full weeks of lifting and working out every. Single. Day. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I know myself. I expected to go all in... for a day or two... then taper off into every couple days, before ultimately quitting all together. But, guys... I haven't quit. And this time, I have no intention of quitting. 

There are many things that make this time different that the others, but mostly it's because I have my very own personal trainer to hold me accountable and encourage me and push me beyond what I think I am capable of. My trainer is super gorgeous and I drool over him while he lifts the big giant weights that I can't even pull in a wagon. (Don't worry guys, my trainer is my handsome husband. The big bearded guy you see me show off as much as I can? Yeah that guy.) 

So, here's how it all went down... (que memory sequence music...)

Mike was laid off November 2nd, and has been spending all his time doing the exact opposite of what 'old Mike' would've done. Instead of getting drunk and playing video games until 3 in the morning, while smoking a carton per day, and eating endless amounts of Kwik Trip cheeseburgers, Mike has chosen life. He has decided to embrace this new change in job status as a blessing and a way for God to allow him to rest and lean back into Him. With this new massive amount of time on his hands, Mike has chosen a whole new diet of healthy foods and drinks, a work out routine that took him from walking, back into running through the park again, lifting weights and gaining incredible results from his dedication and persistence, and the best part of all.... after years of smoking a pack per day, Mike has quit smoking. Seriously, guys. He just stopped. And he didn't even freak out a whole bunch and try to break anything.

I sit here in awe. Imagine me just staring with my mouth wide open like some kind of weirdo, because that's basically what I have been doing. I know the difference. I know the cause of all this beautiful change in the midst of what should have been the most intensely stressful time in our lives. I acknowledge and accept that every moment of this time has been because God is glorious and amazing and faithful beyond anything we could possibly deserve. He loves us so much, and when we decided to hand over our dreams, expectations, jobs, finances, marriage, and health to Him- He faithfully delivered like He said He would.

So Mike was able to quit smoking, relatively easy. The easiest I have ever witnessed. He was able to develop better eating and exercise habits, and I want a piece of that too! So I told Mike that he had total control. He could tell me what to eat and not eat. He would control my work out routine and I would be faithful to follow through with all that he said. (Notice how God is teaching me to let go of the wheel and submit and most of all- trust..) 

The first week was awful. Seriously awful. But it was all because of me. I chose to complain and whine the entire time. I pushed myself like never before, all while whining and telling Mike that he was killing me. I made sure to tell him and everyone I could how much I hated it. This only hurt things with Mike and I. He took my complaints to mean that he was failing me. He was in total control of my diet and exercise, so it must be his fault. He didn't want me to do this with him anymore, because my bad attitude was ruining his experience and his time. 

So after a week of serious spiritual checking on God's part, tearing me up and putting me back together the right way (we will get into that another time, He is still doing a LOT of work on me), I was ready to get back into it with Mike. I repented to him for being absolutely awful and I committed to stop complaining. 

I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made. Not only are Mike and I having the best time doing this whole healthy lifestyle stuff together, but the atmosphere feels so much different! Guys... I am not kidding... I actually enjoy doing this stuff. And I look forward to the next day when we get to do more. For real... crazy, I know. 

Mike and I spend time with God each day, then we head to the garage and we lift together while discussing what God is showing us individually. The conversation always brings revelation, truth, healing, and laughter. God is using this time to not only bring us closer to Him, but to each other. Once we stopped fighting the process, and embraced it- everything started falling beautifully into place. 

The more God works on my spirit and fixing all the things that have been so wrong for so long, the more I work on my body. Both are painful processes that leave me sore, but both are making me healthier and better than I have ever been. Stronger than I have ever been. My spiritual eyes are being opened to truths I couldn't wrap my prideful heart around, while my flesh is realizing the joy and benefits of living healthier. 

I can't wait to show you guys what's coming. I don't know what it looks like, but I know it's going to be full of God, and stronger, more honest, and healthier than ever before. 

   

By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also... Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

-1 Corinthians 6:14, 19-20

   

You are not hidden

I recently wrote a piece about the awful things that have happened in Chippewa Falls lately. I wanted to give some perspective, but mostly I wanted to encourage others to not stay in their pain- but begin to heal. I received an overwhelming response to my post, and I am shocked and humbled by the amount of people who've read it. 

Something stood out, however, among all the shares and comments and messages. Someone commented about how they didn't trust the courts because they hadn't held her abuser responsible for his actions. He had done the most terrible things for years and seemed to walk away with no repercussions. I got the feeling that this person was still in so much pain. She had been not only abused and broken, but the system that should've helped didn't. I could feel the pain in her words and how invisible she feels even today.  

I began to reflect on how invisible I have felt in my life. How my heartbreak and abuse has seemed so hidden from everyone. How my tragedies were tossed aside and treated like they meant nothing.

I've written before about those men who did those unspeakable things to me years and years ago, which set the tone for all the broken relationships in my life. They walked away without so much as a slap on the wrist, leaving me screaming out for justice to a deaf and oblivious crowd. 

What about the reckless guy who neglected my baby girl, trading in her health and safety for another wasted night of drugs and booze- breaking so many laws, being caught red handed, then walking away with barely even a fine. Again I scream out for justice, and my cries are ignored and forgotten.

As a Christian woman I am encouraged to forgive and forget. But nobody really tells you how to do that. I spent years thinking I was a bad person because I couldn't. Years of not speaking of it, so maybe it will go away. This caused me to feel so alone. But I am not ashamed to talk about it anymore. I am not ashamed to tell God when I am angry and feeling betrayed. In fact, He is the perfect audience. He never gets offended at my emotional outbursts, and He always has a perfect answer of peace and grace at the end of it. 

The truth about the men who stole so much from me, is that they will never be arrested for what they did. They will never go through the court system and be tried for each hour they spent abusing me. Nobody will know and nobody will care. Where they are now, I have no idea. But I know that God knows. He knows their names, their faces, and he knows their hearts. While I felt silenced for so long, God has reassured me that He heard every single word. He fights for me. For my honor and my stolen innocence. He will make sure my voice is heard and justice is served. 

The Fool who, instead of being a father, decided to go partying and leave our 11 month baby girl in his run down apartment alone was arrested. He was tried. The system failed my daughter the day he was sentenced with a pitiful fine. That day The Fool walked away with basically no consequence from the law. But God has His own plans. He restored what was stolen from my baby girl. He swiftly brought a man into her life who would not only commit to loving me forever, but who would also commit to being her daddy forever. A couple years later the adoption was finalized, and any memories of The Fool were forgotten along with his name and legal ties. 

God didn't want to just restore what was stolen from her, He wanted to make it ten times better, and I am so grateful to say that my baby girl is the biggest Daddy's girl you will ever know. She is lavished with love and honor and safety on a daily basis. As for The Fool? He is still lonely, broken, addicted, and living as a shell of who he maybe could be one day if he ever decided to stop mocking God and actually surrender to Him. I am reminded that in this case, while the law failed me, God never did. The Fool is suffering from punishments far worse than a few months in jail would've given him. 

Jeremiah 29:12-3 reassures me that "... you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

He hears me. Even if the whole world doesn't. God hears me. Who else matters? Who else can offer such safety, peace, mercy, justice, and redemption? Only God can do what the District Attorney's office failed to do. Only God can ensure restoration in my life and healing in the depths of my soul. 

Want to know something crazy? The deeper I go with God, the more I love Him and trust Him. The more he transforms my mind and renews my heart. Which has led me to find a way to forgive these men. All of them. The free, legally unpunished men. I found forgiveness, and in doing so, I found freedom. I was chained to my pain. I was chained to my anger. It was burning within me every day, causing me to miss out on the beauty of what God was restoring. I walked around so scared and so mad for too long. I wanted my life back. 

You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30:11-12 

Once I realized I was the one holding these chains, I realized I was the one who could let them go. With the soothing and tender reassurance of Holy Spirit, I did just that. I let go and I let God deal with them. Trusting that He wouldn't let me down. He wouldn't let my tragedies be in vain. (By the way, once I chose to forgive them, the memories started disappearing. I can gladly say I don't remember all the violent details and I can't for the life of me remember their faces. God is merciful and wants to help you forget...)

You ready for something even crazier? God showed me that He loves these awful men. All of them. Even the ones who I thought deserved the worst. He loves them dearly. These are His sons, and He longs for them to turn from their awful ways and surrender to Him. So... I decided I better put my money where my mouth is, and tonight while writing this I prayed. I stopped and I prayed for them. I prayed for their redemption. I prayed for their restoration. I prayed that God would show them how wrong they have been and I prayed for them to seek His face. I know the transformative power of God and I know He can make even these terrible men into new creations. So I prayed for them- my enemies. When I had been choosing anger for so long, tonight- I chose love.     

Matthew 5:44 says, "But I tell you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.."

Pray for Chippewa Falls

I want to tell you a story. It's a sad story about a little girl born into the worst of circumstances. Mom is addicted to drugs and a life of pain has left her with little regard to her own life, let alone the life of her little girl. Dad is in and out of jail, repeating the cycle of drug use and violence that his own brokenness has bred throughout his life. There is no love, no compassion, no mercy for this poor little girl. 

Child Protective Services tries their best to help this poor child, but with the overwhelming amount of drug use in the community, and the lack of foster homes for these displaced children, there is little they can do. They try to help, losing sleep over the sheer amount of things they can't do. Following protocols and regulations leaves their hands tied behind their backs with literally thousands of children struggling to survive in the system. 

There's a woman who has a heart and love for children. She wants to help in any way she can, so she takes the steps and is licensed to take in foster kids. She also runs a daycare out of her home, trying to make ends meet for her family as well as help other families looking for reliable care for their little ones. 

One day, the little girl is removed from the unsafe, unreliable, inconsistent, and violent home shes always known and is brought into this kind woman's care. She finds safety, love, compassion, and security. But, it will never be home. This woman will never be mom. The little girl yearns for her mom and dad to come pick her up and love her like she always deserved to be loved. Yet, they never come. 

One day, this confused and emotionally delayed girl does something unspeakable. Frightened, afraid of the consequences of what she's done, she tries with all her power to silence the moment. Making the unspeakable act into something so far beyond horrific. Something that can never be undone. Something that not only ends the life of an innocent, but essentially ends her own as well. 

There are so many people across the country looking at Chippewa Falls right now. They are looking through the scope of whatever news outlet and they are forming their own judgement of everyone involved. These tragic, and unimaginable acts have cut to the heart of everyone in our community. So many lives lost far too soon. When these tragedies occur, everyone wants to point their finger and cast their judgement, quickly forgetting their own faults and shortcomings.

“Refuse to be a critic full of bias toward others, and judgment will not be passed on you. 2 For you’ll be judged by the same standard that you’ve used to judge others. The measurement you use on them will be used on you. 3 Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and yet fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? 4 How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? 5 You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First acknowledge your own ‘blind spots’ and deal with them, and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend. 

- Matthew 7:1-5

That was Jesus' words. Don't judge others- no matter what. No matter if they get high and run their truck off the road into a bunch of precious beautiful little girls. No matter if they take the life of a baby, whether by accident or not. 

Don't misunderstand me. I believe justice should and will be served in these cases. They are atrocious and so many lives are destroyed because of these senseless deaths. I cannot fathom being the mother of any of these children. I can't imagine being the women left behind to care for her 6 year old grandson, because both her granddaughter and her daughter were killed. I can't imagine looking into my child's face and having to tell them that their baby brother will never come home. I can't imagine the aching feeling in the arms of the mother who will never hold her child again. 

It's unimaginable at best. It's something none of us want to think of, and most of us do everything in our power to avoid. 

But what about the mom who gets the call that her prodigal son has just been arrested for killing 4 people and almost killing a 5th? What about the mom who has been praying for her son to get clean and sober and start living again instead of smothering out his pain and his dreams with these drugs that consume him? What about the young man who was just trying to mask his brokenness and feel a little better? A quick high costs everyone involved. His life is essentially over now too. 

I assure you, regardless of what the courts deem an appropriate punishment, this kid will punish himself. Whatever pain he already has, has been dramatically multiplied. He has to live with what he has done. He has to walk around each day knowing that he killed these precious children. 

How about the daycare mom who was trying to help? She stepped outside and left the sleeping baby alone with this broken little girl. She came back in to a scene that nobody could expect or prepare for. She will live with these images in the back of her mind forever. She will lose sleep and maybe have to shut down her business, losing her livelihood as well. The little girl? She will spend her childhood either behind bars or in an institution because of the broken home she was born into. She never had a chance.   

I respect the legal system in our country and I respect the judge and jury that will be tasked with upholding the law and serving justice in these cases. I believe God when He says that He is in control of our courts.

Every person must submit to and support the authorities over him. For there can be no authority in the universe except by God’s appointment, which means that every authority that exists has been instituted by God. 

-Romans 13:1

What our community has endured over the last couple of weeks is atrocious and should have never happened. These families have been destroyed for no reason. It's awful and I have spent time on my knees crying out to the Lord for these lives lost and their families left behind. I have spent time angrily telling God that I don't want to pray for this man and little girl who did these terrible things. But, through gritted teeth I had to find a way to forgive them so God can serve His justice. I trust that God knows best how to handle these tragedies and He will somehow find a way to make beauty out of them. 

Isaiah 61 talks in great length about how God loves justice and is swift about carrying it out. How He is the only one who can take broken devastation and make it glorious. He is the only one who can take ashes and form something beautiful from it. We, as a community, need to stand together in solidarity for the families left behind mourning their children. But spreading hatred and spewing condemnation isn't helping anyone. The last thing we need is more brokenness. Isn't that was caused all this in the first place? Let's stand united as a people who treasure encouragement, hope, peace, and love. Let's leave the judgment to God and the courts.

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister[d] or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? 

- James 4:11-12    

     

Not just another Saturday night....

Today was a Saturday like every other Saturday. I woke up way later than I had hoped, and wound up having to change my afternoon plans because of it. Eh.. no big deal. There were lots of other things that needed to get done. 

I had plans to do a few things today, but my heart was most excited about 6pm in Rice Lake, Wisconsin. I had planned to visit a church that I had heard was pretty incredible. According to these reports, the Spirit of God was so tangible in this place that people had a hard time getting their faces off the floor. You can tell why I needed to check it out, right?! Isn't this the same Spirit-filled, Holy Spirit-led kind of experience I had been seeking for 3 years?!

A couple of us turned into 6 women carpooling the 45 minutes to Rice Lake, full of excitement and expectation. After eating Dairy Queen for dinner (cause when you don't have kids along, you can do that. Seriously guys. You can eat ice cream without even eating anything of substance. I did it. I didn't get arrested or yelled at or punished. And I didn't drop dead either. It was pretty exhilarating.) we made our way to the church.

This place was unassuming. It was on the main strip in what I think is downtown Rice Lake. It was not 3 city blocks wide. It didn't even have a parking lot. We parked on the street and walked to the back of the building where we entered through the back entrance. (Yeah we got a little nervous. We hoped we weren't going to walk onto the stage or something crazy like that.)

When we entered, we came through a door in the rear of the main sanctuary. I still cannot tell you what the front entrance looks like or if there is any kind of other rooms. There was maybe about 30-40 people there when we arrived and most of the seats hadn't been claimed yet. We chose a row of seats near the bathroom (cause you know we've had a lot of kids and need to always keep near the restrooms). 

The room was not massive. If I have to guess, I would say it could hold maybe 200-300 people. The stage was decent and the worship band had all the instruments you could desire. It was a beautiful and simple sanctuary. I love that it wasn't overly extravagant. There was nothing intimidating about this place. The room reflected a message of "everyone is welcome" and "you belong here". 

The people all had smiles and seemed to know each other. I was surprised to see so many college aged people. 20s-30s seemed to be the biggest demographic, although it most certainly was not the only one. Everyone looked kind and inviting.

My friend (who had been here before and invited us to visit) quickly introduced us to the lead pastors. They were a married couple, and I'm telling you guys- Jesus is seeping through their pores. They had an air of calm and peace about them. I felt like I could tell them anything because it was as if I had known them for years. They seemed genuinely interested in meeting us and happy that we were there. 

Soon worship started. Ok, some of you know that I have been a bit of a worship snob. I don't know if it's because our church in Georgia was known as a worship based church, or because I love to fill my house and ears with the sounds of Jesus Culture and Bethel Worship, but I have a hard time connecting in a church where the worship is "off". 

This worship was far from off. The very first song they sung was an old song and most of the people I came with had never heard it. It is far from modern, but it is a familiar tune from my time serving with Tres Dias. It is a song near and dear to my heart and it instantly made me feel at home. It was like God was saying, "It's ok, Babygirl, let go. Connect. It's safe here."

It just got better from there.

In minutes I was crying as usual. Nothing new there. Holy Spirit makes me into a blubbering mess regularly. God was reassuring me that He is in control and that all the promises He's made to me still stand. Over and over again He was soothing me with comforting promises of provision and peace through the storms I am walking through. 

After a bit, one of the lead pastors got up front and started speaking to anyone who might need prayer for healing. Immediately my legs from the knee down started burning. Both legs. Only knees to ankles. Burning. Hmmm... that's strange. Then my heart started to flutter and the butterflies in my tummy went nuts. 

Wait. I don't need healing. You want me to go to the front for healing that I don't need? There's nothing wrong with me. Right? 

Well, I don't know if any of you have been successful arguing with God, but I have yet to win. So, I went to the front with my people right along with me. I stood there. I didn't know what to do so I closed my eyes and sang, "Jesus Jesus.. you make the darkness tremble.. Jesus Jesus.. you silence fear.." over and over again. Suddenly there was a woman praying over me and she touched my throat (where my thyroid had once been) and said matter of fact, "there it is.," then she moved on to pray for the next person.

There it is? My throat? My thyroid? She couldn't know my thyroid was removed 6 years ago due to cancer. She couldn't know the struggles I have had with my health and weight every single day since. I just kept singing, "Jesus Jesus..."

Then a man comes and prays over me a few minutes later. I prayed and asked God to let me fully surrender to Him. I don't want to hold anything back anymore. 

Like a house of cards on a windy day, I crumbled to the floor as if I had no legs. Collapsed on the floor, sobbing (like ugly sobbing, people. There was nothing cute about this. Loud, ugly, snotty, dripping sobs roared out of me), I had zero control over what was happening and I was so content in that. I had no idea why I was crying. I just told God that whatever this was, He could have it. I didn't want it anymore. 

"I will give you a new thyroid"

Clear as a bell I heard as if someone standing next to me had said it. I tried to ruin it by thinking maybe this is God telling me to ask Him to regrow my thyroid, or maybe this is Him saying He will fix my symptoms. 

"I will give you a new thyroid."

Again! Clear as day. Ok, God. I stopped arguing and began thanking Him. What mercy and miracle would this be to have a part of my body that was fully removed miraculously regrow?! Thank you God for being the One who creates thyroids! Thank you for having the recipe for a perfect one!

After much crying and sobbing and sniffling and deep breaths, I finally regained enough strength to stand (although I could've stayed on that floor forever). I went back to my seat and realized every one of the women I came with was having their own experience. All of our makeup was totally jacked and we were all smiling hopeful, puffy eyed smiles at one another. 

Then the message began. Yeah, I know- all this and we haven't even gotten to the message. (My mind was blown too.) It was from one of the most relatable speakers I have ever heard, A young woman only 4 years into her faith was given a platform to speak to the church a word that God had given her. What profound wonderful thing is this? And guess what, it was one of the most challenging, encouraging, scripture filled, Spirit breathed messages I have ever heard. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I truly believe my life will look a whole lot different after hearing it. 

I came home on fire. I was talking to my kids about Holy Spirit living in them and teaching them that they have as much power as I do to lay hands and heal someone. I boldly asked my husband to pray with me to which he did. I laid hands on his knee and commanded healing. I even came across a Facebook post of a man I didn't know who was in a car accident and on life support while they figure out about donating his organs, and you know what I did? I didn't pray peace for his wife and kids (although I probably should have), I boldly commanded life back into this man. I declared that by Christ's striped he is healed. I prayed in Jesus name for his brain to begin functioning and working and thinking better than ever before. I prayed total and complete healing in Jesus name. 

I have no idea what will come of that man, but God reassured me that's between him and God. I did what the Bible called me to do. The rest is up to Him. 

As you go, proclaim this message. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near. Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons, freely you have received; freely give. - Matthew 10:7-8

So I guess you could say today was pretty spectacular. God decided to take me to a new level with Him and I am in awe. I already tried to go to bed once and this stirring within me wouldn't relent. I hope I can rest after publishing this, but we will see what else He might have in store for me. Whatever happens, I know this to be true- that God is faithful and in complete control. 

Lord, I pray you supernaturally touch the one reading this post. I pray a blessing of abundance and provision beyond what they could ever need. I pray a peace and comfort like nothing else in this world can begin to mimic. I pray for those who need healing, that they realize the Healer lives within them and they've held the power all along. I pray for the one who doesn't know you yet. I pray you encounter them in a way that makes them realize you are who you say you are. I pray salvation, redemption, and restoration for the lost. I pray mercy, grace, and faith for the hurting. I pray an overwhelming portion of love for all. In Jesus mighty name, Amen.  

Faith vs Fear

Well I spilled the beans. Our latest adventure has been exposed and I realize, there's lots of people who can relate. One of the things Mike and I have rarely had to walk through in our marriage is financial insecurity. God has provided for us in abundance since we were in our early years of marriage. We had money, even then, but we had to choose either Christmas gifts for our kids, or travel home to MN to visit family. We never had enough for both. Not until we gave our finances to God. 

Having each other's backs since 2010

We started tithing as a form of worship, and not out of obligation or expectation. I started asking God to give me a number and I would write that on the check and give it back to Him. Since then, we have been able to buy houses, vehicles, campers, an ATV, and a golf cart. That's just the toys, people. That's not counting the food, electric bills, propane, house payments, etc. God isn't just giving us back what we offer Him, but He's been showering us with more than we could ever need.

I remember this transition of being broke all the time and considering pawning my wedding ring just to feed my family, and I thank God for all that He has done. My husband, on the other hand sees the world a whole lot differently than I do. While I am annoyingly optimistic and eternally resilient, Mike considers all the worst possibilities and keeps them in the back of his mind. I choose to remember how God has saved us time and time again, while Mike remembers having cars repossessed and having to move back in with his dad because he was so broke (mind you, these were times before Mike knew and loved God).

Mike was immediately angry when he received the news of his being laid off. (I want to be clear on that. While, in the moment, Mike used the word- fired- the reality is that his position was no longer going to be in existence, so he was actually simply laid off. This was due to no fault of his, which being "fired" implicates.) He was upset that his company knew of this for weeks, and never told him until 2 weeks prior to the end. During our conversation in the garage when he revealed the big news, he became less angry and more peaceful as I encouraged him. I reminded him of our previous conversation about God moving pieces around, and he settled down considerably. He was putting things into perspective and starting to be able to see something other than gloom and doom.

Mike started to do something that he hasn't done in years. He started to dream. He started to consider different possibilities. He began asking himself what he wants to be when he grows up. He started looking at the possibility of going back to school and doing something that might actually bring him a semblance of joy. 

See, Mike has been stuck in this place for a long time. He hated this job. He has been completely isolated, working totally alone. No co-workers whatsoever. There was his shuttle driver that he developed a friendship with, however that man has moved and taken a different position within the company- so Mike is all alone once again. Being so isolated every single day has been really hard on him. It has effected his health, as well as his mental state. 

He hasn't felt able to leave, however, because of the amount of money he's been making. The money is just too good to walk away from. Mike likes that he has the ability to go buy a new ATV if he wants, or take us to dinner on a whim. He also likes the idea that I don't have to work. That I can be home and available for the kids and whoever else might need me. 

But now that I am going back to work, Mike has the option of getting a lesser paying, more enjoyable and beneficial job. Well, actually, now he is forced too.. which to me is a blessing. I honestly can't say that Mike would have ever actually left that job, no matter what I was bringing in financially. He has a fear of change. A fear of the unknown. "Don't rock the boat!" "Leave well enough alone!" 

Due to his PTSD, Mike struggles immensely with anxiety. There are so many fears about the "what ifs" floating around in his mind, that at times it can be paralyzing. With this job ending, you can imagine how his brain wanted to explode. But, he isn't alone. He has me. His wife. I am apart of him and I bring something new and different to the table. It's my job to help him see the bright side. To help him remember all the times that God has been faithful to provide for us. To help him find hope and faith in the midst of his fear. 

Sysco offered Mike a different position through an office based out of Baraboo, WI. It's less money, but it's something. So, Mike decided to accept that position, while he applies and interviews for other jobs. He is tired of driving. He is tired of being alone all the time. So my prayer is that God provides him with a better job, and when He does- that Mike isn't too scared to accept it.

I know in my last post, I showed my thoughts and feelings. I showed the faith that God has blessed me with. But, there's a lot of people going through similar situations who don't react the way I did. My own husband didn't react the same. It's important for us, who faith comes naturally to, to remind others of who God is and what He is capable of. Mike would have gone crazy that day. I don't know what would have happened had I not come home and helped diffuse the situation. He needed someone to step in and remind him that God is in control and that we are going to be ok. He needed someone to open that part of his mind and heart that doesn't open automatically. We can't keep our faith and hope to ourselves. It's our job to spread it like wildfire, because I promise you- fear is doing just that.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

-2 Corinthians 4:16-18     

Change is coming.. ready or not..

It was a Monday when I called my husband to chat about this or that. He was harsh and very sharp-toned with me. He had no patience for my usual silly nonsense. He was driving with most of our kids in his truck and told me he had to go. He was too mad to talk to me right then. I was at my mom's house visiting, and knew I needed to leave right away. Whatever had happened, my Mama Bear mentality kicked in and I knew I needed to protect Mike from the kids, and the kids from Mike. 

I arrived home not long before them, and as the kids began piling out of the vehicle, I simply stared them down with the "what did you do?!" mom look. Mike assured me almost immediately that the kids were fine. They had done nothing wrong. So, I relaxed my face and gave my babies their hugs and kisses and gently asked them to go in the house so I could chat with their dad. 

"So what's wrong? What happened?" I asked. I had assumed, since the kids hadn't been terrible, that it must be work. Work is the only thing that makes him this mad, and it's usually because he consistently gets the short end of every stick. I also knew that he had put in for some vacation time. We had hoped to travel to Georgia to visit our family/friends there at the end of the month. I assumed he had finally gotten a hold of someone and was denied his vacation time... again...

He looked at me, smirked facetiously, and said, "I got fired."

Say what, now?!? Fired?! Oh, he is being silly. Trying to make light of the situation and tell his weird jokes. He couldn't be serious...

"No, really. They just called and told me my route is being terminated due to Popeye's using a different distributor." (Mike predominately delivers to Popeye's Chicken in the cities.)

Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. 

The absence of panic, fear, anxiety, and frustration were deafening. Why wasn't I freaking out? Why wasn't I mad? Why wasn't I giving Mike crazy creepy smirks out of my insane frustration with this mismanaged company?! 

Oh, yeah. Because God. God had been preparing us for this. He knew a long time ago this was coming and He's been prepping us- even in the last week.

Let's back up to early September. On a whim, I decided to apply for an administrative position at the nearby prison, thinking it sounded really interesting. I applied online and honestly, I forgot all about it. 

Fast forward back to the Friday before Mike's angry work call. I received an email from the prison. It was asking me to interview for a specific position that sounds absolutely amazing! I was instantly hooked and incredibly interested. But, is this a good thing? Should I go to work full time? The pay is great and the benefits are way better than our current ones. The job sounds interesting and would basically give me a place to be until I retire. This would be a career. Am I ready for this? After years of odd jobs and amazing temporary places, my kids are all in school, settled, and ready for mom to do something for her. Or are they? 

I called Mike right away and told him only the facts. That I got an email, it's asking me to interview. What does he think? Mike was immediately excited and said it sounded wonderful! He thought I should interview and try to get the job. He said he had a feeling, a hunch, that Popeye's might be switching distributors within the year. He said, he felt like God was beginning to move the pieces around and set us up for a change. This was potentially one of those pieces. 

I decided to take the interview (which I have yet to do, as they were preparing interview dates and times and will get back to me sometime this coming week). 

Then Monday happened. I had peace. I was in no way concerned that our main source of income, and our only source of medical, dental, and vision was about to be done. We had 2 weeks. Only 2 weeks to come up with new sources. But I was fine. Actually, I was more than fine. I was excited. This was it! These were the pieces being moved around that Mike unknowingly prophesied about. This was God changing things up for us! This was the opportunity I had yearned for. The chance for Mike to leave a job that was killing him and to step out in faith and do something that might actually bring him joy. 

That was the day I decided to dive in and send out my resume to everyone everywhere. Seriously, guys, I applied for jobs that I am not even close to qualified for. I might have even applied for a surgeon position.. it's all a blur now... 

Killed the 1st interview!

I immediately got called back on 3 other interviews, and 3 other phone interviews. Secretly, I am still hoping for the first interview (the one that hasn't happened yet) to be the job that I get. That's the one that excites me the most and sparks an interest within me that I haven't had in awhile. (You know, what with all the wiping butts, cooking meals, feeding dogs, brushing hair, giving baths, and other mom/wife things that have occupied my every thought.)

I asked God to guide me. Lead me to His will for my job life. Where does He want me? I don't want to make any mistakes and I don't want to go where He doesn't go first. 

Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.- Exodus 33:15

So I went to the first interview. I was so relaxed and comfortable and on top of my game. It went really well and I know I impressed the gentleman who interviewed me. This company wound up calling me back the next day to meet the other owner. I went back in for a second interview and had the best time! I was so connected with this amazing woman. I left feeling conflicted because this would have been a perfect job for me with amazing people who I got along so well with! However, I couldn't get the prison job out of my head.

2nd interview- Success!

I begged God to let this company pick someone else for the position if this wasn't His will for me. I begged Him to not ask me to pick. I wanted Him to pick. Honestly, I don't know which I would've chosen, and I agonized for days over it. 

Yesterday, I went to another interview. It was for a position with a different office within the Department of Corrections. A very interesting job with some amazing people. Dangit! Not again! I had hoped these jobs would suck and the people would be awful, so I would not be conflicted about wanting another job other than the one my heart was set on. I really did not want to have to choose. 

This morning I found an email in my inbox that informed me I was not chosen for the position that I had 2 interviews with. There was my answer. God had chosen for me and while I was so grateful, I was honestly a little disappointed. I don't know if it's rejection issues or pride, but there's a broken thing in me that desperately wants everyone to accept me, love me, and approve of me. This company chose someone else- as I had specifically asked God to arrange, pending His plans. So I should've been relieved, and most of me was. I guess this waiting is teaching me a lot.

Prison interview! Then babysitting...

Later this afternoon I received a call back from Monday's interview with the DOC. They were really impressed with me, and would like a second interview with me this coming Thursday. I don't know what will come of this, but I pray that God, again, will intervene and choose for me. If this is it, it wouldn't be terrible at all. I really think I would love this job, but I need to be where God leads me in order to maintain this perfect peace. 

Whatever it looks like, I have to trust Him. 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9  

Why Do We Worship?

Have you ever met someone who didn't like music? I don't know that I have. Sure, everyone has their own likes and dislikes for different genres and songs, but I can't recall knowing anyone who doesn't like all music in general. That's just crazy.

But I have known some people who aren't really into the worship music at church. It's not their style or favorite by any means. They would rather die than be caught swaying and raising their hands, let alone actually sing out loud with the worship band. I am, by no means, judging or criticizing these people. In fact, my gorgeous husband is one of these people. Don't get me wrong, he does enjoy and sing along with some of the songs, but it's not his favorite part of the service. 

These people really could care less if we skipped worship all together and just got to the heart of the service- the message. The word of God. They come to church to learn what God has to teach them, and I respect that. 

There is, however, a nagging thought that I can't seem to escape. Why do we worship? What is happening when we are singing? What is the point in the band and the people and the words on the screen? Why don't we just dive right in to the meat? Don't worry, I've done some praying and researching, and I have discovered some incredible things. 

Remember those songs in your life that seemed to connect to exactly where you were? It was as if they were written just for you and whatever you happened to be going through at the time? I remember going through a bad breakup and screaming at the top of my lungs to Picture To Burn by Taylor Swift. My anthem when I left my family and life behind me was I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts. I still think of my sister and the season when we grew closest to each other when I hear Umbrella by Rihanna. 

It was through Contemporary Christian music that God wooed me back into His arms. It sparked something in my heart and caused me to want to go back to church. Once there, of course I didn't know any of the worship songs and wouldn't be caught dead raising my hands. At first, worship was something I patiently waited through. Some people standing in front of the church making noise. This kind of music was nothing that I could ever see myself connecting with. Ever. 

Then I moved to Georgia, where we started attending a church that inspired something new in me. It introduced me to a place where the Spirit of God and melody intertwined in the most beautiful way. It connected with me, not just emotionally, but also spiritually. It was a new experience that I couldn't get enough of! I came to a place where I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to spend all day in worship. Why would anyone not want to sing their hearts out, and raise their hands, and move their bodies to the music that wrapped around each soul in the room?! 

I discovered there are hundreds of scriptures telling us to sing and give praise to the Lord. Did you know that? Guys. Hundreds of scriptures. Over 400 references to singing, and 50 direct commands to sing. The Book of Psalms is an entire book of songs, and it's the longest book in the Bible! This tells me that it's pretty important to God. 

Oh sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth. Sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day. -Psalm 96:1-2

Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!- Psalm 47:6

God loves worship! He loves singing! Not just hearing us, but did you know that He sings over us?!? 

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

To me, the church service is laid out in a specific way for a specific reason. A good reason. 

*You start with a prayer- asking God to have His way in this meeting and to be glorified by whatever happens. 

*Then you move into worship- a way of ushering in a connection between you and the Spirit of God. A way of getting your mind and your heart ready to receive what He has for you that day. A way to praise your Father for all that He has done and continues to do. It gets you in the right posture for receiving His word- a posture of surrender. Hence the hands in the air. (It's like when someone points a gun at you and you raise your hands in surrender, letting the person know they have full control over the situation.. except God doesn't bring a gun (duh)- just peace, mercy, guidance, all that good stuff.) When we come to God acknowledging that we have absolutely nothing to offer Him other than our praises, it puts things into perspective. It reminds us how small we are and how great He is. 

*The next step is getting into the Word of God.- We are now in a place where we can actually learn. Our hearts and minds are set on the greatness of who God is and our pride and egos are sitting outside. We are able to not be offended by what the word says, but to actually learn and allow God to mold and change us. 

*Last step might be another worship song.- A way of thanking God for teaching us and growing us and providing always for us, and never giving up on us- even in our hardheartedness.

Since being at our current church, I have watched people very close to me grow exponentially in their faith. I have seen people who were so closed off for so long come to a point of total surrender. These people who stood quietly and patiently during worship, maybe singing a little, but not willing to make a fool of themselves are getting baptized spontaneously, singing at the top of their lungs, and just this past Sunday I saw people with their arms fully extended and hands open to God, as if they were trying to just get a touch of Heaven. It's that kind of sold-out, all-in, never-looking-back mentality that is freeing them from the chains this world has kept them in.

So if you're one of those people who doesn't really understand, I encourage you to ask God to dig deeper. Ask God to search within you and find that part of you that has been closed off to Him. Because I know that you want a full relationship with your Father. I know you want to go deeper. I know you don't want a piece of yourself kept hidden. 

If the stars were made to worship so will I

If the mountains bow in reverence so will I

If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I

For if everything exists to lift You high so will I

If the wind goes where You send it so will I

If the rocks cry out in silence so will I

If the sum of all our praises still falls shy

          Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times