You are not hidden

I recently wrote a piece about the awful things that have happened in Chippewa Falls lately. I wanted to give some perspective, but mostly I wanted to encourage others to not stay in their pain- but begin to heal. I received an overwhelming response to my post, and I am shocked and humbled by the amount of people who've read it. 

Something stood out, however, among all the shares and comments and messages. Someone commented about how they didn't trust the courts because they hadn't held her abuser responsible for his actions. He had done the most terrible things for years and seemed to walk away with no repercussions. I got the feeling that this person was still in so much pain. She had been not only abused and broken, but the system that should've helped didn't. I could feel the pain in her words and how invisible she feels even today.  

I began to reflect on how invisible I have felt in my life. How my heartbreak and abuse has seemed so hidden from everyone. How my tragedies were tossed aside and treated like they meant nothing.

I've written before about those men who did those unspeakable things to me years and years ago, which set the tone for all the broken relationships in my life. They walked away without so much as a slap on the wrist, leaving me screaming out for justice to a deaf and oblivious crowd. 

What about the reckless guy who neglected my baby girl, trading in her health and safety for another wasted night of drugs and booze- breaking so many laws, being caught red handed, then walking away with barely even a fine. Again I scream out for justice, and my cries are ignored and forgotten.

As a Christian woman I am encouraged to forgive and forget. But nobody really tells you how to do that. I spent years thinking I was a bad person because I couldn't. Years of not speaking of it, so maybe it will go away. This caused me to feel so alone. But I am not ashamed to talk about it anymore. I am not ashamed to tell God when I am angry and feeling betrayed. In fact, He is the perfect audience. He never gets offended at my emotional outbursts, and He always has a perfect answer of peace and grace at the end of it. 

The truth about the men who stole so much from me, is that they will never be arrested for what they did. They will never go through the court system and be tried for each hour they spent abusing me. Nobody will know and nobody will care. Where they are now, I have no idea. But I know that God knows. He knows their names, their faces, and he knows their hearts. While I felt silenced for so long, God has reassured me that He heard every single word. He fights for me. For my honor and my stolen innocence. He will make sure my voice is heard and justice is served. 

The Fool who, instead of being a father, decided to go partying and leave our 11 month baby girl in his run down apartment alone was arrested. He was tried. The system failed my daughter the day he was sentenced with a pitiful fine. That day The Fool walked away with basically no consequence from the law. But God has His own plans. He restored what was stolen from my baby girl. He swiftly brought a man into her life who would not only commit to loving me forever, but who would also commit to being her daddy forever. A couple years later the adoption was finalized, and any memories of The Fool were forgotten along with his name and legal ties. 

God didn't want to just restore what was stolen from her, He wanted to make it ten times better, and I am so grateful to say that my baby girl is the biggest Daddy's girl you will ever know. She is lavished with love and honor and safety on a daily basis. As for The Fool? He is still lonely, broken, addicted, and living as a shell of who he maybe could be one day if he ever decided to stop mocking God and actually surrender to Him. I am reminded that in this case, while the law failed me, God never did. The Fool is suffering from punishments far worse than a few months in jail would've given him. 

Jeremiah 29:12-3 reassures me that "... you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

He hears me. Even if the whole world doesn't. God hears me. Who else matters? Who else can offer such safety, peace, mercy, justice, and redemption? Only God can do what the District Attorney's office failed to do. Only God can ensure restoration in my life and healing in the depths of my soul. 

Want to know something crazy? The deeper I go with God, the more I love Him and trust Him. The more he transforms my mind and renews my heart. Which has led me to find a way to forgive these men. All of them. The free, legally unpunished men. I found forgiveness, and in doing so, I found freedom. I was chained to my pain. I was chained to my anger. It was burning within me every day, causing me to miss out on the beauty of what God was restoring. I walked around so scared and so mad for too long. I wanted my life back. 

You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30:11-12 

Once I realized I was the one holding these chains, I realized I was the one who could let them go. With the soothing and tender reassurance of Holy Spirit, I did just that. I let go and I let God deal with them. Trusting that He wouldn't let me down. He wouldn't let my tragedies be in vain. (By the way, once I chose to forgive them, the memories started disappearing. I can gladly say I don't remember all the violent details and I can't for the life of me remember their faces. God is merciful and wants to help you forget...)

You ready for something even crazier? God showed me that He loves these awful men. All of them. Even the ones who I thought deserved the worst. He loves them dearly. These are His sons, and He longs for them to turn from their awful ways and surrender to Him. So... I decided I better put my money where my mouth is, and tonight while writing this I prayed. I stopped and I prayed for them. I prayed for their redemption. I prayed for their restoration. I prayed that God would show them how wrong they have been and I prayed for them to seek His face. I know the transformative power of God and I know He can make even these terrible men into new creations. So I prayed for them- my enemies. When I had been choosing anger for so long, tonight- I chose love.     

Matthew 5:44 says, "But I tell you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.."