Perspective

I sit here in my driveway on a hot and sunny Sunday afternoon. I listen to my girls splashing and playing in our tiny pitiful half blown up swimming pool. Their laughter carries on the breeze and brings life and joy to wherever it reaches. My handsome and ever so handy husband busies himself tinkering away in the garage, building some new project. I look up at the bright blue sky spattered with only a few stretched cotton clouds. The sun is bright and hot against my skin. The breeze brings cool relief from the heat. And all is right with the world.

This past week has been a stressful one. I was turned down for a job position that I believed that I had. I truly thought it was mine. So much so, that I bought new clothes and set daycare up. I started rearranging our schedules to fit this new job into our lives. But, after waiting over a week, I received the email telling me they decided to go another way. In reality, I was one of two top candidates and almost had the job. In my head, I was totally rejected and not good enough. 

I probably wouldn't be so worried about it if we weren't a measly 47 days away from saying goodbye to the army for good. This is a rough transition for all who walk this route and all the "should'ves" and "could'ves" won't change that we are on it. So here we go. Down an uncertain and scary road. I admitted to my husband the other day that I am in that place. Scared. I am scared that this was a mistake. I am scared that we are almost among the 1,800 unemployed people searching for jobs in Liberty county. I am not only scared that I don't know how we will pay our bills or where our meals will come from; but I am also scared that my marriage will suffer under the weight of financial struggle. 

Mike and I have never had major financial issues. Never been at risk of having our power cut off. Never had to skip a car payment and never been late on our mortgage. Sure, there have been birthdays where we had to spend much less on our girls, or Christmases that we had to choose between buying gifts and going to visit family. But nothing ever detrimental. Nothing ever that caused turmoil in our marriage. I have seen marriages suffer and crumble under the burden of money issues and I never want us to get there. Ever. 

I know that God has us. I know that He is in control, even if I am desperately grasping at the steering wheel. He is driving this bus. I know that the reason He didn't give me a job that I thought I should have is because He has a different plan. I don't understand it and I surely don't see where this is going, but I have to trust Him. I have to. Because if I don't, then I am going to drown in this sea of fear with waves of worry pulling me under as each moment passes. Without Him I fail. Every time. With Him in the driver's seat, I know every thing is going to be ok. Because He can't fail. It's impossible. 

I felt like a failure all week long. Like I wasn't good enough or worthy enough. Like I had failed myself and my family by not landing this job. But those feelings weren't from God. They were lies being whispered into my heart by the most clever of liars. They were aimed right at my insecurities and they hit the target on the bulls eye.

I have had a feeling that God is trying to tell me something, but for the life of me, I couldn't hear Him. I was neck deep in the word this week desperately seeking to know what He has for me, but my ears and my eyes were clouded with the veil of lies that was being woven each morning when I woke up. It wasn't until this morning that I finally heard His sweet and loving voice. 

I walked into church with an expectation that God was going to reveal Himself to me in a way that I couldn't see all week long. He was going to speak to me and it was going to be so good. I was looking for some incredible profound word from Him, but what He gave me was so much simpler. It was so easy and so clear and right in front of me. Why had I missed it?

Oh I heard a thousands stories

Of what they think you're like

But I heard the tender whisper of love

In the dead of night

And you tell me that you're pleased

And that I'm never alone

 

My Father just wanted me to know that I am not a failure. That I am not a disappointment. That I haven't and I won't let me family down. He wanted me to know that He is pleased with me and He is always right here with me. Even when I feel alone. When I feel the lies and doubt beginning to cover me like a shroud, I can trust that He is right there. Waiting to reassure me and bring me back to the light and to truth.

 

He is a "good good Father". It's who He is. And thankfully, we serve an unchanging God. So, He always will be good. So good. 

 

Oh and I've seen many searching

For answers far and wide

But I know we're all searching

For answers only You provide

'Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

 

God already knows what my family needs. He has it all worked out. The pieces are falling into place like an elaborate game of chess. Each piece must move to it's specific place before the next can move to it's. I am glad He is the chess Master and never loses.

 

So you see, it's all about perspective. I can view my situation as a desperate one. I can wallow in regret and fear and doubt. I can allow it to consume me. Desperately trying to prove myself to my family and friends that I can handle this and that I am good enough. Laying awake at night overcome with useless"what ifs".

 

.... Or....

 

I can trust that God has it all under control. I can sit back and reminisce of all the times when hope seemed small, yet He showed up like my superhero and provided for our needs and desires. I can remind myself that He is here with me and that He is never leaving. I can stop worrying about tomorrow and soak up the hot sunshine in my driveway while my girls splash and laugh delightfully. I can look up at the gorgeous landscape and bright blue sky and know that He is perfect in all of His ways.   

      

My failing heart

My heart and flesh may fail

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion

Forever

Psalm 73:26

 

 

My heart and flesh may fail.

 

What does that even mean? Ok, so my flesh may fail.. that's an easy one. We give in to temptations of the flesh all the time. Lusting after things that feel good. Sex, gluttony, drugs, alcohol, you name it. Whatever makes me feel good at the time. It's not always easy to stand against these temptations and do what we know is right in God's eyes.

 

But what about my heart?

 

 

This has been ringing in my ears and I have had to do some serious praying on this.

 

We are told since we are just little children to follow our hearts. To go where our hearts lead us and to do what our hearts desire. "The heart wants what the heart wants." But what is it that God says about the heart?

 

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

 

Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

 

Luke 12:34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

 

Ezekiel 36: 26-27 I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed. I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.

 

So here is what we can get from these scriptures. Our hearts should never lead us. Ever. Because the heart can be manipulated. The heart is weak and deceitful. It makes us believe that things are ok because they make us happy. But that's not truth. That's emotion. 

 

I wanted so desperately to be loved and accepted and cherished that just about every guy who flattered me, wound up holding my heart and my body. That is what this verse is referring to. I believed I was in love because he said all the things that my heart longed to hear. He spoke softly and sweetly and touched me with what I believed to be loving hands.

 

Looking back it's very clear to me that all those times in my life when I was deceived by my poor broken heart, weren't love. Not even close. It was a sad and pitiful substitute and didn't even resemble the real thing. But my heart believed it because it wanted it so desperately.

 

But God. He has done what He promised. He has taken the broken, bruised, shattered pieces of my heart and He has given me a new one. A better one. He has breathed His Spirit into me and given me the wisdom to recognize real love. Genuine and authentic. The kind of love that is Him. He has shown me what it feels like to receive what I longed for my whole life. He has showered me with the love of a Daddy, a protector, a lover, a friend, a companion.

I fully believe that Holy Spirit causes my heart to speed up in my chest and my breath to quicken. He makes my knees shaky and my hands tremble. He draws the tears out of seemingly nowhere and turns me into a blubbering mess. This is what happens when I allow God to touch my heart. Not man. Not things. God. My entire body and soul react in a way that leaves me completely out of control of my own skin.

 

I will never long for that love again. As long as I continue listening to His quiet and gentle leading. As long as I keep Him first and foremost in my life. As long as I choose to pour out my worship on Him and receive His love in return.

I know that when I desire something so badly, I need to bring it before the Father first. I need to ask Him if this is what He wants. He is faithful and will never fail me. I trust Him even when I don't necessarily agree with Him. I have to. If I don't want to be led astray and wind up flat on my face with my heart broken once again. I have to rely on the One who cares most about my soul, my life, my heart, my wellbeing, my holiness, and my joy. He is the one who will do what is best. Even if my heart disagrees.

I may fail again. It's not even a question. As long as I am in this sinful world and wearing this sinful body, I will fail. But, I cling to the promise that God will be the strength of my heart and my portion forever.        



 

Hope: A feeling of trust.

You dance over me

While I am unaware

You sing all around

But I never hear a sound

 

My family is suffering. Feeling lost, hopeless, and abandoned. Loneliness grips them and all they can do it breathe and continue on with their schedules and their routines. 

 

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

How You love me

 

One of my sisters is going through daily unimaginable tragedy as she and her family watch her mother in law slowly and violently fade into death's certain arms. Huntington's Disease has wrapped itself around this incredible woman and laid it's claim inside of her. I never had the privilege of knowing this woman before her diagnosis began overtaking her body and morphing her into a shell of who she once was. I know her daughter and I have seen the amazing beauty shining from deep within her. She is incredibly intelligent and has a patient and gentle kindness about her. She has taken her authentic unconditional love and soothed the bitter, angry, and hurting girl inside of my sister. She has shown her the love of God before I ever even knew how. So the woman who raised this amazing and beautiful person must be breathtaking. Behind the violent spasms and constant shaking, I see her intelligent eyes. The beauty and frustration that lies in them while trying to force her mouth to say the words her mind is thinking. 

 

You paint the morning sky

With miracles in mind

My hope always stands

For You hold me in your hand

 



My other family members are battling different issues, yet dark and troubling nonetheless. There are hurting hearts, desperate cries, hopelessness, long lonely nights, and fearful days. Doubting the security of their families and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Sitting alone night after night and wondering when they will have a companion to share their life with. 

 

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

How You love me

 

I see them in my mind when I close my eyes, but I think I see them very differently than they see themselves. I see one sitting alone on her bed. Crying and sad. Yearning for someone to fill the empty spaces in her home, in her life, and in her heart. But all around her is not empty space. Not even close. I see wispy white dazzling wind encircling her like a cartoon. I see bright beautiful light filling every corner, forcing out all dark shadows. I see Jesus kneeling before her and gazing up at her with such love and adoration. Waiting patiently for her to notice his presence. For his beloved to feel him there with her.

 

How deep

How wide

How great is Your love for me

 

I see another, busying herself with all the cares of her family. Running errands and cleaning floors and hugging her babies. Kissing her husband and asking him about his day. Pasting a smile on her face and struggling so hard to count all these beautiful blessings. Struggling to push the anxieties out of her mind. Trying with everything she has to remember the promises God has made to her and to cling to them. But the lies and the worries creep in through the cracks of every idle moment. Fears of "what ifs". Doubts due to what the world is showing and telling her. Wanting to give up. To raise her white flag and choose to settle for what the world is offering. But I see white, dazzling, glorious light. I see a wispy figure dancing all around her as she moves throughout her home and her life. There is a melody. A rhythm. A musical quality surrounding her. Constantly being sung over her and danced all around her in the spirit realm that her eyes cannot see. At work. In the courtroom. In her home. In her bedroom. In her car. Everywhere. God is rejoicing over her. A daddy overjoyed with his baby girl. He paints beautiful portraits in the sky for her every day. Even in the rain and the snow she recognizes his masterpiece all around her. The only thing she is missing is that when she looks in the mirror she needs to believe that she is His masterpiece.

 

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

How You love me

 

I see my sister with her family as they go through another day of watching such a marvelous woman crumble to pieces before their eyes. I see them crying in lonely quiet places where they think no one sees. I see them angry and frustrated and ready to walk away. I see their hearts being ripped and torn apart, waiting for the next distraction that will allow them to come up for air. But I also see a great cloud of witnesses surrounding their home and their lives. I see people who have passed on encouraging them and praying for them. I see my Grandma looking proudly on her granddaughter and the strong woman she is forced to be. I see a Daddy gazing at his daughters with so much love. For them to put aside their wants and desires just to be sure that this woman leaves this world with those she loves most surrounding her... it's something to make a daddy puff his chest out and stand tall with pride for his girls. Their sacrifice is seen. It is heard. It echoes throughout Heaven and it's adding onto the glory they will one day experience when they, too, leave this world.

 

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

Lord I'm amazed by You

How You love me

 

It's in these darkest places that it's hardest to see the light. But I was told recently that a single candlelight can be seen for 30 miles in the darkness. So I will keep praying for my family. I will keep encouraging my family. I will trust that Holy Spirit is filling their hearts and their homes as I type this. Giving them encouragement, comfort, and peace. Having the hope that comes only from Jesus will change everything. Even if that hope is as small as a single candle. It's enough to get you through to the other side of the darkness.

 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~ Deut 31:8 

 



 

 

 

       

His Masterpiece

You know how you never notice a certain model of car until you buy one? I never noticed Kia minivans until we bought ours a few years ago. Then suddenly it seemed like everyone was driving one. Bugs too. I never see so many bugs as I do the very day I expect the exterminator to come to spray my house and save me from the wretched beasts.

Well that's how it feels with these lies. Little teeny lies that pop in my head every single day. It's a very consistent and reliable thing really. And now that I am actually acknowledging them, I can remember them going as far back as to when I was little. These lies that try to convince me I am less than who I am. These lies that tell me I am not good enough. That I will never be enough.

These lies that tell me I can't or I won't. I will fail, so why bother trying. I am going to let my children and my husband down. I have let everyone else down, so it's inevitable. Whispering poison into my mind and my heart to bring me down a notch from where my Father has lifted me. Trying to deter me from continuing progress in my purpose for His kingdom.

The thing is, these lies are convincing. They remind me of my past failures and times I have fallen flat on my face. They have evidence to back them up. They bring memories and images to mind of little terrible things I have done or said or thought.

Sometimes these things are big terrible things. Sometimes they are unforgivable things. Detrimental things. Things that didn't just effect me, but those I love. Flashes of my children's faces as they witnessed these terrible things. Thoughts of how badly I have failed them. How they are ruined now because of my mistakes. They have surely inherited not just my eyes, but the ugliest parts of me as well. The dark and angry parts. The broken and bitter parts.

Pretty overwhelming huh? They don't always scream at me like an assault on my heart and soul, but sometimes sneak in through the cracks trying to go undetected. But God. He is showing me and reminding me constantly that although these lies are relentless, so is He. Although these lies whisper poison into my ears, He's given me armor to protect myself. He has given me wisdom and discernment to know and recognize not just His voice, but the voices that aren't Him.

This is not just my battle. I don't fight alone. I know every single one of us fight this same fight. We are all in the trenches. The difference is those of us who choose to acknowledge the war. How can be armed and on guard if we are in denial about where we stand? Worse is those of us who choose to accept defeat. To eat these lies up as they are fed to us. To forget everything that God says and accept the evidence presented to us.

I was just diagnosed with depression last week. This is not the first time this has happened in my life. And this won't be the first time I refuse to accept this diagnosis. These doctors have me check off boxes on a piece of paper and suddenly seem to have all the answers for me. Problem is, their diagnosis is ridiculous. I don't care what the science is behind these checked boxes, I know who I am. I know the state of my mental health, and frankly, anyone who has spent even 5 minutes with me can tell you I am one of the happiest and optimistic people you will meet. Depressed? Ha! 

As crazy and ridiculous as it is, the thought has crept into my mind more than once since my doctor's appointment. I am feeling kind of out of it, maybe I really am depressed? How would I know what depression feels like? Maybe this is it? I am cranky lately and tired all the time. Oh no. I must be depressed.... Wrong. Moments later God reminds me. I am not depressed. I am tired. I am not depressed. I do not need medication. I need a nap. **I am not discounting anyone else's diagnosis. I am simply speaking to my personal health and body.  

A new and dear friend of mine is being lied to. She has made the bold choice to walk away from a life that led to a constant cycle of pain, brokenness, and heartache. She has chosen to follow Jesus and step out in this crazy world and away from the cycle that has continued to suck the life out of her. This is where the fear and doubt and lies start. She struggles with a fear of falling back into who she was. A fear of making a mistake. Of falling on her face. Of making a wrong turn and winding back right where she started. Lies. All lies.

Here is the thing, when you are stuck in a rut and want out, but stand around worried about the "what ifs", then you aren't moving forward. You aren't climbing out. You are standing still. Too afraid to move. That is right where the lies want you and right where Jesus is reaching out, anxious for you to grab His faithful and steady hand. He can and will pull you out of the rut you've lived in for so long. He will show you a new path paved with grace and mercy. A path of forgiveness for the unforgiveable. A path of beauty made out of the ashes of your former self.

When you begin to doubt who you are. Please take the time and read through these scriptures. Pick out your favorites that really speak to your soul. Write them on a piece of paper and carry it in your purse, wallet, or pocket. Tape it to your bathroom mirror or computer screen at work. Frame it and hang it on your wall. But allow these promises and these truths to echo in the forefront of your mind and drown out the lies. You need proof? You need evidence? Here I am. Living, breathing, walking around, singing His praises proof of what God can do. Look in the mirror. You are proof. You are His masterpiece.