In this confusing decision of whether or not to stay in the Army, there have been some tough concerns that have been brought up. Things I failed to mention in my last entry. Things I failed to mention on purpose. My husband's grandfather (Shout out to Jim, you are one of my absolute favorite men in this world.) said something to me when we were discussing these options a few months back. It was something along the lines of testing fate. Mike had gone off to 2 different active war zones and came home in one piece. So, why take another chance? Who knows how many chances you will get, eh? Like Jim, I have had this very thought a countless number of times. Each and every time I force myself to put it away and not give it any credence. Why?
Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG
But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
Because I know in my soul that God loves Mike way more than I could ever love him. Because I refuse to speak death like that over my husband and my family.
Proverbs 18:21 NIV
The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Because when these risks of danger come up, I pray fervently for his safety and protection. For him to be brought home to me.
Mark 11:22-24 NIV
“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
My faith leaves me with absolutely ZERO doubt that my husband will be safe. That is one thing I can say I did well with each deployment. I didn't worry about Mike's life. I didn't think it even possible that he could be taken from me. I would get around others who would have their worries and doubts, and naturally I would start to feel them as well. It's a strangling fear that wraps it's icy hands around your throat and tries to squeeze every ounce of life out of you. That is when I had to stand up and take my peace back. Faith is a choice. You choose to know these things that God has promised are real and true. Or you don't. But the decision is yours.
My children could get shot at school. Especially the county I live in. Just about every child knows how to use a gun and has access to at least one. Should I homeschool? Then again, there's been a string of armed robberies lately... Should I move to a compound? What about shopping at the mall where gunman have killed many? Should I do all my shopping online? How about the movie theater? Maybe I should only stick to Pay-Per-View? People are getting blown up or shot at work. Entire buildings are being taken down with hijacked airplanes. I guess I should work from home and never ever fly again? I hope you see my point...
I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to live as if my life or my family's lives are in constant jeopardy. If I did, I would have to make every decision (as illustrated above) as if it were life or death. So in deciding whether to continue with the Army or not, we don't consider life and death. Mike's life and wellbeing we place in the Father's hands, not the Army's. I pray you can understand what I am saying, if you can't then I pray you at least respect it.
2 Timothy 1:7 ESV
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Proverbs 29:25 NIV
Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.
Romans 8:15-17 MSG
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Should I stay or should I go now? (Now I got the song stuck in your head huh? :P)
I wish there was a "Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future" in real life. I wish there was a real magic 8 ball to answers all the tough questions and help us make the right choice, especially in the really big decisions. But there isn't. There is God (who is infinitely better than the other options- just not always as obvious) to lead us and guide us on our journey. But we have to make the choice to be still and listen closely. God doesn't always scream things at us from the top of His lungs, sometimes He whispers.
1 Kings 19:11-12 NIV
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
My husband joined the Army before we began dating. He joined as a single guy with nothing tying him down or holding him back. Then I waltzed into his life (lucky guy) and brought a bunch of little girls along with me. When we re-enlisted a couple of years ago, it was not an easy decision to come by. It was mostly hard because we were considering everyone's outside opinion. Our family and friends and what they wanted. Ultimately, it came down to us making the best choice for our family, regardless of what others wanted. We are here again. The "window for re-enlistment" has opened and we are at a cross roads. Which way do we go?
On one hand we could choose to end Mike's contract and start a life in the civilian world. This would require finding a fabulous job with zero college education. It would mean I would have to go back to work to help ease the financial burden. It would mean selling a car or two (how would we both get to work then?). It would mean getting rid of our little luxuries- cable, internet, vacations, dinners eating out, and extra activities for the girls. Will it mean waiting in line at the food shelf? Will it mean waiting for hours at the welfare office to apply for financial assistance? Will it mean fighting with my husband over stressful money matters? Will it mean ultimately resenting and hating each other? All I know, is that it will be a tough adjustment.
There are benefits to getting out of the military, don't get me wrong. Mike would never have to deploy to a war torn country to fight and risk his life for months at a time only to come back emotionally and mentally worn. He wouldn't have to miss birthdays, anniversaries, first days of school, and holidays. He would be there every day to kiss and hold his children. (This is all assuming, of course, that he doesn't get a job as an over the road truck driver, or something along those lines..)
The other hand holds the military and all it's frustrating benefits. I say frustrating, because it really is a good life, but it all comes at a price. Mike would go to the promotion board and make E6 very soon. He would then have to decide whether we PCS (permanent change of station- basically moving to another post) to one of many great options, including Hawaii or maybe Germany (could you imagine the experience for us and our children? And all paid for by the US Army?). Or we could stay at Ft Stewart for at least another year, which will most likely end up in Mike deploying next year. We would have a guaranteed place to live, guaranteed food on our table and clothes on our backs. Guaranteed health insurance and dental coverage (c'mon, you know at least 1 or 2 of these girls is going to need braces). Financial security and stability. It is a beautiful thing. It also would mean vacations, activities, cable.. all the little over indulgences we love. It would mean no fighting about money. No stress about how we will pay our next phone bill. It would mean safety.
But, there are those frustrations I mentioned. The price that comes with our safety and security. Mike could deploy. He could be sent to one of the terrible places that are all over the news. Iraq? Afghanistan? I dread the thought, but it's possible. He would be guaranteed to miss birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. It would mean sometimes watching his children grow up through pictures and phone calls. It would mean him not being able to tuck them in every night and kiss them before bed. It would be a hefty price.
There are scary factors for both roads. There are also great benefits for both. Although money isn't everything, when you have 5 daughters- it is a must to consider. 5 proms (or more), 5 college educations, 5 weddings, 5 teenagers with growing clothing needs and school supplies, 5 birthdays every year, 5 people to Christmas shop for. It's not cheap to give your children the life you dream for them. So what do we do? Where do we go? Which road do we take? There is no magic 8 ball for this. This is real life and every decision we make has real life consequences.
So, I leave it at the cross once again. I did it yesterday, and I will have to do it again tomorrow when the nagging thoughts, questions, and feelings sneak into my head and heart again. I will worry about it, but when I find myself doing so, I will have to choose to get back on my knees and give it to God all over again. I don't know what the right choice it. Mike doesn't know either. But God does. He knows what is best for our family and He will bless us greatly in our obedience. So, I trust Him and His ways. I will do my very best to remove emotion and desires and let God work all this out for us. After all, He never fails.
James 1:5 NIV
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
1 Kings 19:11-12 NIV
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
My husband joined the Army before we began dating. He joined as a single guy with nothing tying him down or holding him back. Then I waltzed into his life (lucky guy) and brought a bunch of little girls along with me. When we re-enlisted a couple of years ago, it was not an easy decision to come by. It was mostly hard because we were considering everyone's outside opinion. Our family and friends and what they wanted. Ultimately, it came down to us making the best choice for our family, regardless of what others wanted. We are here again. The "window for re-enlistment" has opened and we are at a cross roads. Which way do we go?
On one hand we could choose to end Mike's contract and start a life in the civilian world. This would require finding a fabulous job with zero college education. It would mean I would have to go back to work to help ease the financial burden. It would mean selling a car or two (how would we both get to work then?). It would mean getting rid of our little luxuries- cable, internet, vacations, dinners eating out, and extra activities for the girls. Will it mean waiting in line at the food shelf? Will it mean waiting for hours at the welfare office to apply for financial assistance? Will it mean fighting with my husband over stressful money matters? Will it mean ultimately resenting and hating each other? All I know, is that it will be a tough adjustment.
There are benefits to getting out of the military, don't get me wrong. Mike would never have to deploy to a war torn country to fight and risk his life for months at a time only to come back emotionally and mentally worn. He wouldn't have to miss birthdays, anniversaries, first days of school, and holidays. He would be there every day to kiss and hold his children. (This is all assuming, of course, that he doesn't get a job as an over the road truck driver, or something along those lines..)
The other hand holds the military and all it's frustrating benefits. I say frustrating, because it really is a good life, but it all comes at a price. Mike would go to the promotion board and make E6 very soon. He would then have to decide whether we PCS (permanent change of station- basically moving to another post) to one of many great options, including Hawaii or maybe Germany (could you imagine the experience for us and our children? And all paid for by the US Army?). Or we could stay at Ft Stewart for at least another year, which will most likely end up in Mike deploying next year. We would have a guaranteed place to live, guaranteed food on our table and clothes on our backs. Guaranteed health insurance and dental coverage (c'mon, you know at least 1 or 2 of these girls is going to need braces). Financial security and stability. It is a beautiful thing. It also would mean vacations, activities, cable.. all the little over indulgences we love. It would mean no fighting about money. No stress about how we will pay our next phone bill. It would mean safety.
But, there are those frustrations I mentioned. The price that comes with our safety and security. Mike could deploy. He could be sent to one of the terrible places that are all over the news. Iraq? Afghanistan? I dread the thought, but it's possible. He would be guaranteed to miss birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. It would mean sometimes watching his children grow up through pictures and phone calls. It would mean him not being able to tuck them in every night and kiss them before bed. It would be a hefty price.
There are scary factors for both roads. There are also great benefits for both. Although money isn't everything, when you have 5 daughters- it is a must to consider. 5 proms (or more), 5 college educations, 5 weddings, 5 teenagers with growing clothing needs and school supplies, 5 birthdays every year, 5 people to Christmas shop for. It's not cheap to give your children the life you dream for them. So what do we do? Where do we go? Which road do we take? There is no magic 8 ball for this. This is real life and every decision we make has real life consequences.
So, I leave it at the cross once again. I did it yesterday, and I will have to do it again tomorrow when the nagging thoughts, questions, and feelings sneak into my head and heart again. I will worry about it, but when I find myself doing so, I will have to choose to get back on my knees and give it to God all over again. I don't know what the right choice it. Mike doesn't know either. But God does. He knows what is best for our family and He will bless us greatly in our obedience. So, I trust Him and His ways. I will do my very best to remove emotion and desires and let God work all this out for us. After all, He never fails.
James 1:5 NIV
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Slain in the Spirit.... but is it biblical?
Last night I dreamt that I was standing with my friend's son. We were looking at a scene straight out of a massacre movie. There was about 50 people all laying in a square. Legs and arms overlapping each other, heads on each other's stomachs. Unlike a massacre movie, there was no blood. Each person was dressed head to toe in a woven burlap material that was pure sparkling white. Every one of them looked as if they were in a deep peaceful sleep. One of those people was this boy's mom, and very good friend of mine. I was struggling with an explanation of what was happening. I was trying to explain, but couldn't really find words. Then, like a wind sweeping in, I heard "Slain in the Spirit." The wispy voice repeated itself several times until I awoke chanting it in my head.
While I thought I knew what being "slain in the Spirit" means, this dream sparked my interest and I decided to do some more digging on the subject...
It is most commonly believed that being "slain in the Spirit", is when a minister or preacher lays hands on you. This action or movement is believed to cause the Holy Spirit to come over you and knock you to the floor- hence being "slain". This reminds me of those TV Evangelists who get you to call in and write them a check for all you have. You know, the ones who put their hands on the crippled old lady right before she flies backward. Next thing you know, she is up walking and jumping and dancing with the crowd. Hmm. Skeptical.
Now I am not saying that God isn't big enough to perform these kinds of healing miracles or that He can't overtake someone enough to knock them off their feet. What I am saying, is that with all things of this nature- we need to take to scripture to find the truth.
Revelations 1:17 ESV
When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me saying, "Fear not, for I am the first and the last,..."
Ezekiel 1:28 ESV
Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around. Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. And when I saw it, I fell on my face, and I heard the voice of one speaking....
Daniel 8:17-18 ESV
So he came near where I stood. And when he came, I was frightened and fell on my face. But he said to me, “Understand, O son of man, that the vision is for the time of the end.” And when he had spoken to me, I fell into a deep sleep with my face to the ground.
1 King 18:39 NLT
And when all the people saw it, they fell face down on the ground and cried out, “The Lord—he is God! Yes, the Lord is God!”
Matthew 17:6 ESV
When the disciples heard this, they fell on their faces and were terrified.
Here is the way I see it... God, therefore the Holy Spirit, is a gentleman. He doesn't force any of us to love, adore, or worship Him. Yes, there will come a day when "every knee will bow", but I believe that will be because when you come upon the Lord and see Him with your own eyes, you will be forced to acknowledge that He truly is God. You will probably be filled with fear and awe. You will probably want to hide as many did in scripture. I can't imagine what it will actually be like, but I assume falling to my knees and laying my face flat on the ground will be the only thing I will want to do. To worship, to glorify, to praise, to be overwhelmed in His presence.
With that being said, I do believe we can be "Slain in the Spirit". I am not talking the hype for TV that gets people to open their checkbooks. I am talking about those quiet and vulnerable moments when you genuinely surrender yourself to the Lord of the universe. When you give complete control over to Him and submit wholly to His will. Then you can be honored and privileged enough to actually feel his presence. To be so overwhelmed by the weight of His love that you get weak in the knees and crumple to the ground. Laying there, you bask in His glory and it is so good. You become like those in my dream. Feeling a true peace like nothing else. Pure contentment so deep that you lose your time and place. I welcome that slaying.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
The Hazel
Last night I laid down to go to sleep. I realized it was after midnight and turned to my husband and said, "It's Hazel's birthday. Two years ago today. Do you remember that day?" We then began to reminisce on the little details of the day. There was so much going on. So many emotions running wild. While we were waiting for the doctors to come and take me back into the operating room for my routine cesarean, my big, strong, brave, steady husband revealed to me that he was nervous. It was all becoming so real to him. Sure, we had 9 months to prepare, but while I was feeling every kick and movement- he wasn't. He only had his thoughts to prepare him for this new little perfect creation that would come into our lives.
I wasn't scared. I had been praying and asking others to intercede for me for weeks. I knew my biggest fear was not the surgery itself, but the spinal block they would have to perform prior to the actual surgery. I had my first spinal done when I was delivering Lila and, long story short, it was a disaster. But this time I was armed. This time I was covered.
Our dear friends and pastors, Alan and Jennifer were at the hospital before they took me into surgery. They prayed over us and I instantly felt a wave of peace. I was not afraid. I was not nervous. I was at complete peace. I went back into the OR and was all smiles and happiness. The nurses and doctors even commented on how upbeat I was. Apparently patients don't normally ask or care to know how they are doing today... Anyway, the anesthesiologist told me to bend forward and I knew this was it. The moment of truth. I took a deep breath and waited. Nothing. Ok.. Another deep breath. Hmm... "Ok, lay back. Let's get her legs up QUICK!" He was done?! The spinal was complete and they wanted my legs back up on the table before they became dead weight. But, I swear to this very day that I didn't feel so much as his hand touching my back, let alone a needle. That was God.
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Next thing I know my husband is holding this amazing little person and our lives haven't been the same since. The amount of laughter in our home has increased tenfold. The amount of love- even more. This little girl is so full of life that it's impossible to be cranky around her. She is terrified of giant stuffed animals and people in costumes. She is never afraid to try any food at least once, but her favorite is chocolate. Her obsession with balloons is like nothing I have ever seen before (she even asks for the CLEARANCE balloons at WalMart). Every toy is her "baby" (even balloons at times) and she loves them like so. She absolutely must have her "Piggy" or she can't sleep (this is besides the 15 other stuffed animals in her crib). She loves to sing and dance and twirl in a beautiful dress. She is a princess and she will tell you so. Although she looks almost identical to her daddy, and yes- she acts a lot like him too... she has my heart. I am so thankful that God entrusted me with this precious and perfect little girl. That He decided I was worthy enough to call her mine and get the honor of holding her and kissing her puffy cheeks every single day. I don't know what I did right to get this privilege, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that today I will spoil my already pretty spoiled child. I will let her get away with just about anything. I will let her choose how today will go. I will remember this day two years ago and I will praise God that we have had every day since.
Monday, August 11, 2014
My Fool Proof Way of Overcoming My Mouth
Proverbs 18:21 NLT
The tongue can bring death or life;
those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
Well, I don't know about you, but I love to talk. Those who know me know that it is a rare day that I don't have something to say. That is why this particular scripture is so important in my life. I am a very emotional being. I live, move, and breathe my emotions. This tends to be a blessing and a curse. While I am not shy to tell you that I care about you (and I truly mean it) and how gorgeous I think you might look today (which I also mean), I am also not shy to tell you when you have done something that really ticks me off.
I have learned over the course of my life how to really use my words to make someone feel like they can conquer the world, or worse- to make someone feel lower than dirt. It's not something I am proud of and I have been really working on guarding my mouth and making sure my words aren't spewing death over everyone.
I have this problem. It's a little thing called anger. (Remember when I said I am a very emotional being- yeah I don't just feel, I feel big. Like really passionately big.) When I get angry, often times I just blurt out something terrible. As soon as it comes out of my mouth I wish I could reach out and grab it and put it right back in before anyone hears me. Unfortunately, things don't work that way. Once the damage is done, there is no taking it back. I can swallow my pride, grovel, and beg for forgiveness, but the sting of my words linger.
That is why I have come up with a fool proof way of overcoming my mouth. My husband isn't exactly thrilled with it, because he knows when I start using this method, that I really want to actually say terrible things. So, in his mind he is imagining the terrible things I want to say VS the things I am actually saying. Maybe I should just bite my tongue all together and keep my mouth shut, but I haven't yet mastered that- so I will stick with my method for now. You ready for it? Here it is...
I get angry and upset and want to lash out and say something terrible.. Instead I compliment. I tell my husband that I love him so much. I tell him I find him to be the most attractive man I know. That he is so funny and smart and I adore him. Mind you, when I am doing this I am pretty ticked off, therefore my tone isn't very kind. There have been some times that I have been speaking these things through tightly gritted teeth. The point is, that I am choosing to speak life over him, even when I want to speak death. I want to tell him I think he is being a jerk and yada yada... instead- I choose to love him.
Mike voiced that he feels like I am lying because I am actually angry during these moments of huffing and puffing out words of love and encouragement. I disagree. I really do love him. I really do feel like he is the most attractive man I know. I really do find him to be funny and smart and I really do adore him. I am not lying. I realize that these words might not feel very genuine at these times, but they are always genuine. I love this man (or my children- cause I definitely use this method with them too) even when I am so mad at him that I can't stand to look at him. I love this man even when he says or does something hurtful or stupid. I love this man even when I want to strangle him. I guess this is my way of reminding myself of all the wonderful things that I love- to distract myself from sitting too long on the negative things.
I will keep working toward complete self control. I will continue working on just shutting my mouth all together. I will keep working on this because I know it would make my husband even happier. But, until I learn to bite my tongue and swallow my anger, I will continue to use my method. I will continue to say something positive when my flesh can't help but blurt something- anything- from my mouth. And on the occasions when I screw up and say something terrible, I will continue to grovel and beg for forgiveness, because my husband and my children deserve better from me.
The tongue can bring death or life;
those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
Well, I don't know about you, but I love to talk. Those who know me know that it is a rare day that I don't have something to say. That is why this particular scripture is so important in my life. I am a very emotional being. I live, move, and breathe my emotions. This tends to be a blessing and a curse. While I am not shy to tell you that I care about you (and I truly mean it) and how gorgeous I think you might look today (which I also mean), I am also not shy to tell you when you have done something that really ticks me off.
I have learned over the course of my life how to really use my words to make someone feel like they can conquer the world, or worse- to make someone feel lower than dirt. It's not something I am proud of and I have been really working on guarding my mouth and making sure my words aren't spewing death over everyone.
I have this problem. It's a little thing called anger. (Remember when I said I am a very emotional being- yeah I don't just feel, I feel big. Like really passionately big.) When I get angry, often times I just blurt out something terrible. As soon as it comes out of my mouth I wish I could reach out and grab it and put it right back in before anyone hears me. Unfortunately, things don't work that way. Once the damage is done, there is no taking it back. I can swallow my pride, grovel, and beg for forgiveness, but the sting of my words linger.
That is why I have come up with a fool proof way of overcoming my mouth. My husband isn't exactly thrilled with it, because he knows when I start using this method, that I really want to actually say terrible things. So, in his mind he is imagining the terrible things I want to say VS the things I am actually saying. Maybe I should just bite my tongue all together and keep my mouth shut, but I haven't yet mastered that- so I will stick with my method for now. You ready for it? Here it is...
I get angry and upset and want to lash out and say something terrible.. Instead I compliment. I tell my husband that I love him so much. I tell him I find him to be the most attractive man I know. That he is so funny and smart and I adore him. Mind you, when I am doing this I am pretty ticked off, therefore my tone isn't very kind. There have been some times that I have been speaking these things through tightly gritted teeth. The point is, that I am choosing to speak life over him, even when I want to speak death. I want to tell him I think he is being a jerk and yada yada... instead- I choose to love him.
Mike voiced that he feels like I am lying because I am actually angry during these moments of huffing and puffing out words of love and encouragement. I disagree. I really do love him. I really do feel like he is the most attractive man I know. I really do find him to be funny and smart and I really do adore him. I am not lying. I realize that these words might not feel very genuine at these times, but they are always genuine. I love this man (or my children- cause I definitely use this method with them too) even when I am so mad at him that I can't stand to look at him. I love this man even when he says or does something hurtful or stupid. I love this man even when I want to strangle him. I guess this is my way of reminding myself of all the wonderful things that I love- to distract myself from sitting too long on the negative things.
I will keep working toward complete self control. I will continue working on just shutting my mouth all together. I will keep working on this because I know it would make my husband even happier. But, until I learn to bite my tongue and swallow my anger, I will continue to use my method. I will continue to say something positive when my flesh can't help but blurt something- anything- from my mouth. And on the occasions when I screw up and say something terrible, I will continue to grovel and beg for forgiveness, because my husband and my children deserve better from me.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
They say it's your birthday...
So, there's this woman. She is a pretty incredible. You might know her by one of her many nicknames, but I call her Mom. Today this woman turns 39 (again...) and doesn't look a day over 35. This is one of the strongest, kindest, toughest, smartest, and most beautiful people I know. I am not claiming she is perfect. None of us are. But, she did the very best she could for my sisters and I, and for that I am forever grateful.
I remember being little and my dad driving coach busses across the country. One trip he took my two older sisters and I was so mad to have to stay home. But, I quickly got over it when I realized that I had my mommy all to myself. I remember helping her with the dishes, watching movies, and just being with her. That was all I wanted. Was to be with her.
Flash forward to the teenage years when I didn't want to be with her so much anymore... Finding out I was pregnant at 16 years old and being scared to death. After having "the flu" for weeks, my mom grabbed her coat one night and started heading for the door. I asked where she was going at such a late hour. She told me she was going to get a pregnancy test for me. I put my head down in shame and told her to wait. I came out of my room seconds later with a hand full of sticks that all bared two very pink lines. I waited for the screaming and yelling and punishments that would never come. As I cried my eyes out, I listened to my mom, strong and steady, tell me that it was time to grow up. I had a baby coming and I had better get my act together. I knew her heart was broken, but she was strong for me. She stayed strong and steady, by my side, always in my corner cheering me on ever since.
Several years (and kids) later, I see my mom being that same loving woman to my children. Encouraging them, cheering them on with every bold step they take. Holding them and kissing them when they need it, correcting them when they need it, and always making sure they have a supply of those amazing sea salt and caramel cookies they love so much. She started over with them. Only, instead of the stress and worry that I gave her, she only has the good stuff. I am the mom I am today because of the mom I have.
We don't always agree with each other's choices, and thankfully we don't have to. We aren't called to be in sync. We are called to love each other no matter what. If there is anyone in my life who I can honestly say I have never doubted their love for me- it's her. She never stopped fighting for me. She never stopped supporting my choices, even if she disagreed. She never stopped picking me back up when I had fallen flat on my face. I can rest assured that she never will. She has been Mama, Mommy, Mom, Ma, and now as an adult with a family of my own, I am honored to also call her my friend.
This woman should be loved. This woman should be honored and cherished. This woman should be touched only with the gentlest of hands. This woman should be respected. God has big plans for this amazing woman. She is his most beloved daughter, after all. I just pray that at some point in her life- she will see herself this way. She will see all that she is and all that God sees in her. He made every fiber of her being exactly right, because He doesn't make mistakes. I thank God for this incredible woman and I pray this day be especially wonderful for her. I love you, Mama <3
I remember being little and my dad driving coach busses across the country. One trip he took my two older sisters and I was so mad to have to stay home. But, I quickly got over it when I realized that I had my mommy all to myself. I remember helping her with the dishes, watching movies, and just being with her. That was all I wanted. Was to be with her.
Flash forward to the teenage years when I didn't want to be with her so much anymore... Finding out I was pregnant at 16 years old and being scared to death. After having "the flu" for weeks, my mom grabbed her coat one night and started heading for the door. I asked where she was going at such a late hour. She told me she was going to get a pregnancy test for me. I put my head down in shame and told her to wait. I came out of my room seconds later with a hand full of sticks that all bared two very pink lines. I waited for the screaming and yelling and punishments that would never come. As I cried my eyes out, I listened to my mom, strong and steady, tell me that it was time to grow up. I had a baby coming and I had better get my act together. I knew her heart was broken, but she was strong for me. She stayed strong and steady, by my side, always in my corner cheering me on ever since.
Several years (and kids) later, I see my mom being that same loving woman to my children. Encouraging them, cheering them on with every bold step they take. Holding them and kissing them when they need it, correcting them when they need it, and always making sure they have a supply of those amazing sea salt and caramel cookies they love so much. She started over with them. Only, instead of the stress and worry that I gave her, she only has the good stuff. I am the mom I am today because of the mom I have.
We don't always agree with each other's choices, and thankfully we don't have to. We aren't called to be in sync. We are called to love each other no matter what. If there is anyone in my life who I can honestly say I have never doubted their love for me- it's her. She never stopped fighting for me. She never stopped supporting my choices, even if she disagreed. She never stopped picking me back up when I had fallen flat on my face. I can rest assured that she never will. She has been Mama, Mommy, Mom, Ma, and now as an adult with a family of my own, I am honored to also call her my friend.
This woman should be loved. This woman should be honored and cherished. This woman should be touched only with the gentlest of hands. This woman should be respected. God has big plans for this amazing woman. She is his most beloved daughter, after all. I just pray that at some point in her life- she will see herself this way. She will see all that she is and all that God sees in her. He made every fiber of her being exactly right, because He doesn't make mistakes. I thank God for this incredible woman and I pray this day be especially wonderful for her. I love you, Mama <3
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Warning: Super controversial***
Ok, so I want to address something that most Christians want to avoid. In my life, I can't avoid it, and frankly I don't want to anymore. You ready? Here goes...
Some of you may know already that I have two sisters. Both are amazing women. Incredible moms and wonderful sisters. One of them happens to be in love with a woman. Does this change things? Does this effect our relationship? Well, honestly, it did for many years. There was a wall between us. A wedge that seemed impenetrable. Hostility and defensive tones were most of what was exchanged between us. Why?
We were raised in the Lutheran church. (I am in no way bashing Lutherans or any religion, so please do not get offended.) It was a loving and compassionate church, until you happened to fall into one of the really "bad sin" categories. I fell into it when I got pregnant at 16 years old, but eventually was accepted again and the fingers of shame and judgment subsided. My sister came out as a lesbian and has had that ugly finger shaking at her ever since. I can't begin to fathom the amount of condemnation and hate that has been spewed on her in her life. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to have the very word of God used as a tool of hatred and judgment. I can't imagine how ugly these "righteous" people have made Jesus look to my poor sister.
The reality is that Jesus isn't ugly. He isn't hate. He is love.
1 John 4:7-8 MSG
My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love.
So, naturally, my sister didn't trust me. She didn't trust me enough to open her heart to me. To let me into her inner being where she is vulnerable and raw. Why would she? I was one of those fingers. I thought I was being a "good Christian". Trying to save her soul by showing her sin to her. Really. For that I am ashamed. My sister isn't new to the Bible. She wasn't raised in an atheistic home. She was introduced to the same God I was. She doesn't need me to spew scripture at her like bullets. She knows the Word. What she needs from me, is to love her. The very thing that the Bible tells us to do... over and over and over again. The one and only job we have is to love God and love others. Done. Simple, right?
Matthew 7:1-5 MSG
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor." That's right- Jesus said that...
One of the most eye opening and worst moments in my life was the day I sat with my sister and the love of her life on my mother in law's deck. I sat them both down to apologize to them. To tell them that I have been so wrong for so long. I told them that I believe every single word in the Bible to be truth. With that, I believe my job is to love them both. Not to point fingers and pass judgment. My sister's response? (Here is where the horrible part comes in..) With tears streaming down her face, "You don't know how long I have waited to hear this. You are the first person in our family to say this to me." Ouch. My sister has not been receiving love and compassion from me. She has been getting fire and brimstone thrown at her. Jesus would be shaking his head at me.
I have chosen to live differently. I have chosen to love differently. I fell in love with Jesus and with that, I love all that He is and represents. Unconditional love. That is what I will offer my sister from now on and I encourage you to do the same to whoever it is in your life that you may disagree with. I don't know what it is like to be in love with a woman. I don't have to understand it. It's not what I am called to do. To me, my sister isn't a lesbian. She is my sister. Being in love with a woman doesn't identify her anymore than my loving a man identifies me. (And I am pretty sure she doesn't think of me as "the heterosexual".) My sister is a kind, loving, serving, compassionate, funny, beautiful, intelligent daughter of the Most High God. Her fiancé is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Patience like nothing I have ever known, compassion for every living creature, kindness, gentleness, intelligence (like super genius level), and beautiful daughter of The King as well. She makes my sister a better person. I have seen that and I appreciate that.
I pray my sister can find forgiveness for those who have cast stones. I pray her wounds from the past will heal. I pray she can get to know the real Jesus. The Jesus that I have come to know. I pray she will give Him a second chance, because I know He isn't done with her yet. And next time you want to "correct" someone, or tell them where they are sure to go if they do this or that- please remember that (in the words of one of the wisest men I have met in Georgia) you don't know the mind of God. You don't know what He will say or do on judgment day. We have a good idea of His heart from scripture, but we do not know His mind or intentions. Just keep on loving and praise God that He gave you a fine example to follow- Jesus.
Some of you may know already that I have two sisters. Both are amazing women. Incredible moms and wonderful sisters. One of them happens to be in love with a woman. Does this change things? Does this effect our relationship? Well, honestly, it did for many years. There was a wall between us. A wedge that seemed impenetrable. Hostility and defensive tones were most of what was exchanged between us. Why?
We were raised in the Lutheran church. (I am in no way bashing Lutherans or any religion, so please do not get offended.) It was a loving and compassionate church, until you happened to fall into one of the really "bad sin" categories. I fell into it when I got pregnant at 16 years old, but eventually was accepted again and the fingers of shame and judgment subsided. My sister came out as a lesbian and has had that ugly finger shaking at her ever since. I can't begin to fathom the amount of condemnation and hate that has been spewed on her in her life. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to have the very word of God used as a tool of hatred and judgment. I can't imagine how ugly these "righteous" people have made Jesus look to my poor sister.
The reality is that Jesus isn't ugly. He isn't hate. He is love.
1 John 4:7-8 MSG
My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love.
So, naturally, my sister didn't trust me. She didn't trust me enough to open her heart to me. To let me into her inner being where she is vulnerable and raw. Why would she? I was one of those fingers. I thought I was being a "good Christian". Trying to save her soul by showing her sin to her. Really. For that I am ashamed. My sister isn't new to the Bible. She wasn't raised in an atheistic home. She was introduced to the same God I was. She doesn't need me to spew scripture at her like bullets. She knows the Word. What she needs from me, is to love her. The very thing that the Bible tells us to do... over and over and over again. The one and only job we have is to love God and love others. Done. Simple, right?
Matthew 7:1-5 MSG
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor." That's right- Jesus said that...
One of the most eye opening and worst moments in my life was the day I sat with my sister and the love of her life on my mother in law's deck. I sat them both down to apologize to them. To tell them that I have been so wrong for so long. I told them that I believe every single word in the Bible to be truth. With that, I believe my job is to love them both. Not to point fingers and pass judgment. My sister's response? (Here is where the horrible part comes in..) With tears streaming down her face, "You don't know how long I have waited to hear this. You are the first person in our family to say this to me." Ouch. My sister has not been receiving love and compassion from me. She has been getting fire and brimstone thrown at her. Jesus would be shaking his head at me.
I have chosen to live differently. I have chosen to love differently. I fell in love with Jesus and with that, I love all that He is and represents. Unconditional love. That is what I will offer my sister from now on and I encourage you to do the same to whoever it is in your life that you may disagree with. I don't know what it is like to be in love with a woman. I don't have to understand it. It's not what I am called to do. To me, my sister isn't a lesbian. She is my sister. Being in love with a woman doesn't identify her anymore than my loving a man identifies me. (And I am pretty sure she doesn't think of me as "the heterosexual".) My sister is a kind, loving, serving, compassionate, funny, beautiful, intelligent daughter of the Most High God. Her fiancé is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Patience like nothing I have ever known, compassion for every living creature, kindness, gentleness, intelligence (like super genius level), and beautiful daughter of The King as well. She makes my sister a better person. I have seen that and I appreciate that.
I pray my sister can find forgiveness for those who have cast stones. I pray her wounds from the past will heal. I pray she can get to know the real Jesus. The Jesus that I have come to know. I pray she will give Him a second chance, because I know He isn't done with her yet. And next time you want to "correct" someone, or tell them where they are sure to go if they do this or that- please remember that (in the words of one of the wisest men I have met in Georgia) you don't know the mind of God. You don't know what He will say or do on judgment day. We have a good idea of His heart from scripture, but we do not know His mind or intentions. Just keep on loving and praise God that He gave you a fine example to follow- Jesus.
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