259 Days......

259 days ago my beloved deployed to Afghanistan. I was devastated. I was angry at God and didn't really know how to handle that. I knew that I don't deserve any of this life, yet I was so mad that He dare take my husband from me. Even if for only 9 months. I begged and pleaded for Mike to stay, I read the Word and all of His promises and I KNEW in my soul that God would make a way to give me all the desires of my heart.... and yet- he left on March 3rd anyway.

Ok, so let's back up a bit... Throughout the 2 1/2 years that Mike and I have been married, I have prayed continually for God to give him the tools and abilities to stand up and be the leader of our family and our home. Spiritually, financially, physically, in every way possible. I wanted Mike to embrace his God-given role, so I could embrace mine. I knew Mike wanted the same things and prayed for the same things. The problem was, that neither of us knew what that looked like or where to even begin. We were both trying to help each other and guide each other, but kept butting heads more than anything. We were trying things OUR way... not even considering what God might have in mind.....

So March 3rd. 6:30pm. I kissed my love goodbye and my heart hurt so bad, it was as if someone reached in and was trying to rip it apart. I was so scared. 5 kids all by myself. 1 of them just 6 months old. I wasn't strong enough for this. No way. But, I drove home and went on with life- as it doesn't stop. Not even for a deployment. Quickly I began growing in my faith walk. I began praying more and seeking God more. I was growing spiritually through the relationships I was developing with some of the most incredible women I will ever know. I had the support I needed emotionally and spiritually. And, turns out- they all seemed to fall in love with my children and didn't mind helping me in that department too. Blessed beyond measure... seriously...

Almost as soon as Mike left, we started praying together every night on the phone. My days always ended with my husband leading us in a very personal, honest, and intimate, prayer time with God. Mike was reading scripture and praying with other soldiers. He was reading other books and trying to grow as much as he could. About halfway through the deployment, we had some issues arise that had to handled right away and in a way neither of us wanted. Mike and I had grown to become each other's idols. He HAD to talk to me for hours every day or he wasn't ok. My mood set his whole day which caused me to mask a lot. Our love and conversations turned into an addiction that was sucking the life out of me. I began dreading hearing the phone ring, and often contemplated not answering. He had to get his daily fix of me in order to give him his emotional fulfillment. Saving him and filling him was my addiction. Being his savior was my idol. It was shoes that I was ever meant to fill, therefore- it was killing me. After some hard conversation with some amazing friends, as well as tons and tons of sob-filled prayer.. I ultimately had to tell the love of my life that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I would no longer answer the phone. I would email him once a day, but if I was too busy with the kids and everything else going on, then I wasn't going to worry about it. 

Naturally Mike hated this idea. He panicked and insisted that we think of another option. But there was no other option. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Tell my love, who is living in the midst of hell, that I wasn't going to be there for him anymore. I was never going to stop praying for him. I was never going to stop thinking of him and loving him. But, I had to stop SAVING him. He needed to get his fulfillment from the Lord. Well, Mike kept reading his Bible, only now the words began to make sense. He started feeling something. And it wasn't coming from me... He was reading other books and genuinely started getting to know Jesus in an intimate way. His prayer life was bigger than ever, because now, he had nobody else to turn to. I know Mike knew God before this, but I honestly think this could be the time when he fell in love with Him. And in this mess, I started turning to God in the same way. And He changed me in areas I had no idea that needed to be changed. God BROKE us. And I praise Him for it! We were broken and stripped down to nothing, so that He could pick us up, and rebuild us from scratch in the way HE wants us. Thank God. 

So, I now realize that when I had to watch my husband walk away from me on March 3rd at 6:30pm... It was NOT God ignoring my pleas... it was Him answering my bigger and more important ones. It was God saying, just wait. Let me show you what better things I have in store for you. Ultimately, it was one of the best days of my life. Because it brought me and Mike to a whole new level of love, intimacy, marriage, trust, you name it!

Tomorrow I wake up way too early, to get all prettied up for the Welcome Home Ceremony. That's right, he's coming home. I know I should be nervous, anxious, giddy, excited... but I have a strange peace that I can't explain. I am happy beyond words to have him home, and I cant express to you the joy I will feel in my soul to touch his face again. But, the last few days, the only thing on my mind is how grateful I am. How thankful I am that God doesn't listen to my stupid ideas. That He knows so much better than I do. That He never ever fails. And I am so incredibly sorry that I ever doubted that, even for a minute. I know He has already forgiven me, therefore I am thankful for His grace and mercy. I don't know what He sees in me. I don't know why He continues to pour out His love and blessings into my life, but I am glad He does. I am humbled that I get to be one of the wives who will hold my soldier again. Thank you Jesus.       
 

Pursuit

Some of you know my oldest daughter, Luciana. She is the amazing girl I previously blogged about... yeah, that one. About a week ago, she came home from school and was a mess. She was cranky and being disrespectful and just not herself in the least. It was driving me kind of crazy because this had been going on for a few weeks. Here and there Luci would lose sight of things and be just nasty and disrespectful. On this Friday, I sat down and asked her what was really going on. Why was she acting like this lately?

At first she went on about some bully at school she had trouble with earlier in the year. How this mean girl had moved away, but was back now and it was basically the end of the world. I started remembering what our restore group had just discussed a few days prior. Forgiveness. I went into how it's important for us to forgive and what the Bible has to say about it. How it isn't necessarily for the other person, but for us. For our own freedom from bitterness, hurt, anger, and resentment It was then that Luci's face began to change. I could tell the words I was saying was striking a chord with her. She was becoming increasingly upset and finally broke down and told me how she had already forgiven this girl and this wasn't even the real reason for her crankiness.

Luciana was devastated because her 11th birthday was coming in less than a week and she was remembering how most of her life she hadn't spent this special day with the one man she wanted to. Her dad. She revealed to me that she felt so unimportant and neglected by him. She said she had been waiting for him to get out of the Navy so he could be more available to her. But, now he is done in the military, and still not making himself available. She has continued to call and try to arrange visits, but he has many reasons why its just not possible. When she has been with him, he is preoccupied and doesn't give her his attention. This entire conversation brought me back to my own childhood and a revelation came at that very moment.

 

I have a fabulous relationship with my own dad now, as an adult. We have a brother/sister in Christ type relationship that blows our previous one out of the water. But, my earlier years looked a lot like Luci's. My dad was gone a lot of it. Working and providing and doing the best he knew to do. My parents did an incredible job of keeping me in the dark as to their fighting and issues so when my parents divorced, it came as a complete shock to me. I was 9 and it was devastating to me. I felt abandoned and neglected and all I wanted in the whole world was to feel loved and important. Instead, it felt like my dad left not just my mom, but all of us. Especially me. I wrote letters, made phone calls, and did all that my young mind could think of to keep a relationship going with him, but it was usually a very one way street. He would talk when I called, but he rarely, if ever called me. I was pursuing him, when it should have been the other way around.

When little girls grow up, they will model every man and every relationship around the relationship they had with their own father. Therefore, fathers... pursue your daughters! It seems a little weird to say it without explaining it. But, just like when you begin dating someone and you are so into them and you give them all your attention. You call, write, email, and send gifts. Seeking to know them more and wanting to build a stronger relationship with them. Do this for your daughters too!! Your child should never have to be the one to facilitate your time spent with them. You need to go to her and show her how important she is to you. How valued and loved she is. She should know beyond any doubt that she is one of the best things that has ever happened to you. 

If she has to be the one chasing you, this is most likely what her life will look as an adult. Constantly seeking love, affection, acceptance and approval from men. She will be insecure with herself and her traits. She will second guess if she is worth it. She will lower her standards and fall for anyone or anything that gives her even momentary satisfaction. Don't let this happen. Don't leave your daughter struggling to find the love and acceptance that simple little gestures on your part can provide for her. She looks at you like you are the strongest, biggest, bravest, most courageous hero. Don't let her down. Hug her. Kiss her. Sing her a song, Read her a story. Be silly and playful with her. Make it a point to set aside a few minutes every day to devote to her. She will be your legacy. Her life will reflect your parenting and values. 

Psalm 127:3-5 MSG
   Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?
    the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows
    are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
    with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;
    you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.


 
I had to forgive my dad just as Luciana will have to forgive hers. I had to find a daddy in God the Father. I realized that He is sufficient. That although, my dad couldn't love me how I needed him to, God always has. It's so hard to try to explain this to an 11 year old girl who wants a daddy that is tangible and who she can reach out and touch. But, we wont relent. Mike and I will keep pursuing her. We will show her love from a mommy and daddy who will never stop. We will pray for her dad to see what a gift she is to him. We will continue to direct her eyes up. One day, she will feel the loving embrace of Jesus, and she will know how amazing she truly is. And it will be enough. 

John 1:14 NLT
So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father's one and only Son.



PS.. Check out this song as it pretty much fits, perfectly.

 

Luciana

My amazing and beautiful daughter, Luciana, just turned 11 years old yesterday. Wow. Where in the heck did the last 11 years go?! I remember her being this sweet and adorable little baby who made everyone smile with her sweet little face. I remember her first words (hot dog.. believe it or not!). I remember her first steps. I remember her first tooth (15 months old.... I was beginning to think she was born with NO teeth!) I remember everything about her life. Luci was my first taste of motherhood. My first feeling of unconditional love. My first opportunity to step outside of myself and genuinely care for another human being.

I was 16. I was way too young. It was the beginning of a new school year (my junior year) and the end of a wayward summer. I had been living like I had nothing to lose and was finally back home in the warm comforts of my youth. I wanted to get back into school and away from boys. I wanted to focus on my studies and get my grades back to the A's and B's they once were. I wanted success. Then I started feeling sick. All the time. I thought it was the flu. I was nauseous and vomiting constantly. I had to miss so much school that it was beginning to be pretty suspicious. I didn't feel right. I went and bought a pregnancy test. Uh oh. Both of my sisters had just discovered they were pregnant only months ago and all of us were too young, too selfish, and too crazy to be entering into motherhood. I looked at that little stick and my heart sank. I was pregnant?! Why this?! Why now?! I was finally trying to put my life back together and this happens?!

My mom told me to suck it up. I was going to be a mother. I was going to have to grow up quick and act like one. I needed a job to take care of that baby and I had better figure out how to be responsible and fast. My dad told me this is where my life ends, and my child's life begins. I was no longer allowed to be selfish and put myself first. I was no longer allowed to think of only myself. My child was to be the priority. I was going to learn to sacrifice and it wasn't going to be easy.

There were many times in the past 11 years that I have wondered where my life would be had I not gotten pregnant so many years ago. My high school friends went on to college and are becoming amazing people with so much success and life ahead of them. They are just now beginning their families with their careers in tow. Once in a great while I sit and think how nice it would have been if I would've been able to grow up to be something great. Then I remember that I am something great. I am a hero in the eyes of my daughters. Every time any one of my girls looks at me, they look at me with expectation and love and admiration. They know that whatever I have to say is trustworthy and true. They know that I will always be here and will always love them unconditionally. I have gotten to watch that chubby little 9 pound baby girl grow and blossom into a gorgeous, funny, smart, caring, kind, loving, spiritual young lady.

Luciana is respectful, responsible, bold, courageous, Spirit filled, artistic, and gifted in ways I could only wish for. The girl is something that I wish I could've been. She looks at me waiting for me to show her the ways of this world, but secretly it is I who admire her. I admire that she can look at someone who others would judge and simply want to hug them or pick them up in some way. I admire that she can look at an ordinary rock and see the amazing beauty and time that God took in making that rock. She sees the world through eyes filled with grace and mercy. She has the heart of a saint and I only pray that nothing come along to filthy that up.

I firmly believe that God's plan for me was not to get pregnant at 16. But, I also believe that God makes lemonade with our lemons. I made a choice to be irresponsible and I got pregnant. God took the reigns and allowed that baby to change my life. She saved me from a path I might've taken had she not come along.  She continues to give me hope for this horrible world. That there is still good in it. There is still love in it. There is still kindness, grace, and mercy in it. Thank you, Jesus, for entrusting me with one of your most favorite creations. Luciana Grace Overbo... you are mine, but more importantly- you are His.

Written on pain meds... so bear with me :)

I have been told quite a bit this week that people were shocked to find I was in the hospital for surgery. Nobody even really knew what for. I hadn't noticed, but I didn't post anything about it on Facebook. (Which means it didn't happen, right?!) Why didn't I post it for all to see? Why had I kept it to myself and those I see on a daily basis and on an intimate level? No real reason. To be honest, I just never really thought about it. If I wasn't at the doctor, I wasn't thinking about my issues. I was in no way worried about it. I knew it was handled. Before anything happened, I knew God was taking care of it all, so I didn't have to think of it or worry about it. I just did what the doctors said and left the rest to God. I only write this now, because God loves me in a big way. So big, in fact, that He gave me a miracle and saved my health and my life. I want to shout it from a mountain top, but since all I have is this blog... well here goes...

And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
    and by their testimony.
And they did not love their lives so much
    that they were afraid to die.
-Revelation 12:11

I have had trouble with my thyroid since I was 18 years old. I had what doctors called a goiter. It was basically a large nodule on the left side of my thyroid. I had a biopsy when I was 18 that proved it to be benign, and it wasn't effecting my thyroid function, so we left it alone. Although my thyroid was still functioning as normal, recently the nodule was getting so large that it was pressing on my windpipe and causing problems. (Mostly a chronic sore throat.) The doctors also found other enlarged nodules on an ultrasound, but after 2 horribly painful biopsies, both of the larger nodules were found to be benign.
 
The doctor explained that with thyroids, biopsies are tricky. They often get false negative readings. If you think of the nodule as an orange and you are taking cells from one side of the orange, yet the cancer is on the other side... well you see where I am going with this. So basically, my doctor wanted to remove the left side due to it's size and the fact that it was beginning to be symptomatic. He said the right side was large, but not causing me problems, so I might want to just keep that half. With the right side, I wouldn't need to be on medication. Without it, however, I would require a synthetic thyroid medication daily for the rest of my life. (Dear Lord, please ensure my insurance from now until the day we meet face to face.. Thank you!) But, he didn't think it was necessary to remove the entire thing and recommended I don't. I told him I wanted to talk to my husband about it and I would let him know at the next appointment. I spoke with my amazing husband about it a lot. I prayed like crazy and asked God what to do. The clouds didn't part and a gathering of angels didn't come down to tell me in a loud booming voice whether or not to have it all removed... so I figured God was leaving it up to me. I had a gut feeling that I just wanted to get it all out and be done with it. But, I was torn because of the medication aspect. I hate medication.

When I went back into the doctor, I asked some more questions and discussed it with him a bit more before ultimately going with my gut and just asking him to remove the whole thing. He has told me that because the right nodule was in fact enlarged, that it could continue growing and we might be right back here in another 10 years planning a second thyroidectomy. No thanks. I went on to forget all about my surgery. It didn't worry me one bit. Until the night before.... Oh sweet Jesus. I was on my knees in the laundry room sorting dirty clothes (what is it about the laundry room?!?) and panic hit me. The doctor was thorough. Too thorough. He told me of all the risks of the surgery and the one that stuck out to me was terrible!! He said there is a tiny nerve that runs right through my vocal chords. If he happened to accidently knick that nerve during surgery, he could either partially paralyze it, or completely paralyze it. If only partial, I would speak like I had smoked a pack a day for 50 years. If completely, I would require a tracheotomy, which would mean that I would have to speak through a little box and sound like a robot for the rest of my life. Can you feel my panic?!

How would I worship my God? How would I sing to Sophia before bed like I have done her entire life? How would I whisper sweet nothings into my husband's ear? I was certain the night before surgery, that I was going to lose my voice the next day. Something was going to go wrong and I would endure a lifetime of silence. I had already asked the doctor to not put any voice box in my throat. I would rather learn sign language than frighten my 3 year old every time I spoke. I sat there on the floor of the laundry room considering calling the whole thing off. I knew I could. I would simply call the hospital in the morning and tell them I changed my mind. This thing wasn't really hurting anything, anyway. It was just a big lump that was inconvenient. Nothing else. I had it all planned out. I was going to cancel and keep my goiter forever. 

Just then a song popped in my head. 

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.


I sat on the floor of my laundry room, crying and singing out to God. It was a plea. One last beg for mercy. Help me Jesus! I need You! I need You to come and pick up where I left off. I have no courage left. I have no strength left. I have no faith left. Fill me with yours so I can go on. A few minutes later, an couple of amazing friends show up at my doorstep with silly string, bubbles, cheesecake, and poster board signs (One said "1 John 5:4 For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world- our FAITH... The other said "Sarah, Sarah you're so HOT, We'd still love you if you were 1/2 robot!!!). They were celebrating my last night with a thyroid! They were the answer to my plea. I could no longer hold myself up, so they came to hold me up for awhile. Awhile ago another incredible friend of mine reminded me of the story of Moses.

 ¹¹ As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. ¹² Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.  ¹³ As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.
-Exodus 17: 11-12

These women were my Aaron and Hur. Holding me up when I couldn't carry on any longer. Because of this, I would go on to have the surgery and aside from the pain, be completely victorious!! Praise Jesus, He is so faithful!! 

A couple of days ago I got a call from the doctor's office. The doctor wanted to see me right away. I had an appointment in a few days, but this couldn't wait. Hello, panic... it's been awhile. So I nervously go into the clinic and attempt to sign in, only to be told that I couldn't because I didn't have an appointment. The doctor simply wanted to see me. Great... this can't be good. I wait for hardly any time at all before I am back in the exam room. Doc walks in and sticks his hand out to shake mine, but before he could utter a word "is it cancer?" slipped out of my mouth. "Yes," he replied. 

This is where my world comes crashing down around me, right? Wrong. My tummy was turning a bit, but for the most part I was ok. My reaction was the same as it has been with everything in my life. What now? What do we do next? What is the next step? The doctor proceeded to explain how there was cancer in one of the nodules on the right side that they did NOT biopsy. It was a smaller nodule that was in no way concerning to them, so they didn't pay any mind to it. Did you catch that? It was on the RIGHT side. The side that was "unnecessary to remove". Had I not prayed and thought more about it and ultimately followed my gut (which I believe to be the Holy Spirit), I would be sitting here right now with cancer in my neck. Hiding. Festering. For God only knows how long. 

Doc goes on to explain how I will have to see a radiation oncologist. I will need to have one dose of radiation just in case there was any thyroid tissue left behind. They will also want to check and make sure there isn't cancer anywhere else in my neck or throat. Just in case. So here is where my panic starts kicking in a bit. Radiation? More cancer? What??? I went home, turned my phone on, and started texting. Getting in touch with my beloved prayer warriors. I know when we are in agreement in prayer, God usually makes it happen (unless He has something better in store). Within a few hours of praying and seeking God I got another phone call. The Doc again. He tells me he spoke with the oncologist and they don't think the radiation will be necessary. I can continue life as normal and after a cautionary consultation with him next week, I can never think of this cancer crap again!! 

Do you see God in this? Do you see how His hand was directing and moving and working this entire time? I am so thankful that He was right here. Making things happen for me. I am thankful that I have opened up my life and my heart to Him. To being obedient to Him. I am thankful that my dear friends have done the same. If they hadn't, there might not have been someone to hold me up the night before surgery. Praise you Jesus for being so faithful and loving and ever-present in my every moment. You are so good.   
 

Grace Virginia

9 years ago today, I was an 18 year old girl trying to fake being an adult as well as possible. I walked into the hospital knowing I was going to have my water broken, and then maybe a couple hours later, I would gracefully push a beautiful baby into this world. All the while, my makeup and hair would stay perfect and my forehead would glisten slightly as I kiss my sweet new baby girl. Clearly I knew nothing. At all.

The reality is that 12 hours of excruciating labor would lead to a terrifying epidural which ultimately would allow me a couple hours of rest. Um, hello?! This was NOT in my birth plan! I remember sleeping like a rock with a bunch of machines hooked up to me doing all the hard work of labor, when all of a sudden I was startled awake by alarms all going off at once. The nurses quickly ran in and shoved an oxygen mask on my face, pushed a bunch of buttons, and then shortly thereafter, the doctor came in. She was a fabulous doctor who I loved and trusted very much. She calmly told me that the baby was in distress and I would need to undergo an emergency cesarean section. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. Talk about birth plans, eh?? The next thing I know, I am holding this amazing tiny person who somehow had just come from inside of me. She was a miracle.

Her entrance into this world was anything but graceful. Her life ever since has also been up and down and crazy and complicated. Yet, her name is Grace. She was named after her great grandmother on her father's side, who was apparently a very incredible woman who was beloved by everyone who knew her. I have been really thinking about the word grace lately.

grace [ grayss ]

1. elegance: elegance, beauty, and smoothness of form or movement
2. politeness: dignified, polite, and decent behavior
3. generosity of spirit: a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people

Of all my children, Gracie is the one with the soft, porcelain doll-like features. She is dainty and beautiful. She was born with a natural rhythm to her every move. It is like she is always dancing (and she kind of always is..) For the most part, she is polite and classy. Always concerned with people seeing her as respectful and easy to be around. The last part of the definition is where things get tricky. Grace is growing and maturing. She is still very selfish and learning what it means to think of others outside of herself. I believe this last part of the definition isn't just for her, but for me as well. God was generous to entrust me with one of his most precious of creations. He was graceful and loving in that He gave her to me to be raised up and loved.

Gracie has the ability to push my buttons like no other of my children do. She is cunning and knows exactly what to say if she is upset and wants to jab back at me. These are qualities that I know will be a blessing to her later on in life. However, as of now... When she decides to use her powers for evil, I can look at her and remember- Grace. I will always tolerate and forgive her. I adore her. I cherish her. She is one of the 6 most important people in my life. One of God's most precious creations.

Gracie has the most contagious laugh, the brightest smile, and a natural eye for fashion (the girl has been matching her own outfits since she was 2!) She is talented in dance, gymnastics, and has one of the most beautiful singing voices I have ever heard. She is loved by everyone who knows her. Popular with both children and adults. She will be great one day. This girl will move mountains if she really wants to. I am blessed and humbled that God thought highly enough of me to allow me the pleasure of calling her mine. Happy birthday my dearest Gracie. Always know how much I love you and cherish these years when you still call me Mommy.

Goodbyes

I never in a million years thought I would be married to a soldier in the US Army. It's not that I didn't welcome the option. It's just that I never lived near a military base growing up, so I never thought I would ever even meet a soldier. I watched the movies and read the books. It was so romantic! Your brave warrior goes off to fight for your honor in the blood filled battlefields, only to return tattered and worn out. Running into his arms, he scoops you up and with a long kiss, the music would start to play and you and he would live happily ever after.

Well... reality is much less dramatic. There is no bloody, torn, and tattered uniforms. There is no music. But... there is the running into each others arms. There is the thrill of that long, slow, passionate kiss that you had been dreaming of for the past 12 months. The romance is there. But, the homecoming wouldn't be nearly as romantic without the sad, tear filled goodbye. That is where the crappiness comes into play. The goodbye. It is never easy no matter how many times you do it. Ask a wife who has had to do it 10 times and her answer will be the same.

 

 

At first it feels like there is something sitting on your chest, while a golf ball is stuck in your throat, and anything at any time could cause you to collapse on the floor in tears. You learn to avoid the card section at Wal Mart, commercials, love songs, photo albums, and romantic movies. Any possible way to avoid remembering that half of your heart is missing is a great thing. But, there are things you cannot avoid. For me, this time, it has been the bedroom. I avoid it at all costs. I wait until I am so exhausted that I wont have to spend too much time awake in there. I have a hard time laying down in the king sized bed all alone. (Having the kids in there doesn't help, so I don't bring them in with me anymore...) When Mike would get up and leave for work in the morning, I would always roll over and sleep on his side of the bed. It was so warm and cozy there where he had been laying. Over the past week I found that I have completely migrated to his side of the bed. I don't even try to fall asleep on my side anymore. The problem is that it isn't warm like it used to be. It always feels so cold.

 

People always say, "Well, at least you have 5 kids, so you will be too busy to miss him." Really?! Have you ever gone from having a partner to take on 5 kids to being a single mom overnight?! We are a team. We take on every aspect of our lives together. For him to be absent is horrible. It is stressful and overwhelming. It is completely going against every thing we have worked so hard to build together. So, those people are terribly wrong. I don't miss him less because of the kids. I miss him even more. The worst part of the day is after I tuck the last child into bed for the night. That is our time. Our time to stop being mom and dad, and just be together. Now it has become my time. I feel lonely and lost and I wish I could just go to sleep and allow tomorrow to come faster... but.... that would require going into the dreaded bedroom... So it's a vicious circle.

 

I know this post is very downhearted. It is sad and dark and not the usual me. But, this is how I am feeling. I am a better person when my husband is here. Does this mean I am giving up? No way! I will never ever quit until my last breath. I will keep moving forward. Today I mourn and feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will pick myself up, and move forward. God has something great planned for us. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and scripture seeking strength and comfort. Maybe more than I ever have. Maybe this time apart will draw both of us closer to Him. If this deployment means our relationship grows stronger with the Lord, then I am all for it. 

 

At the end of this whole thing we will be better. We will be stronger and more in love then we ever have been. We will appreciate each other more than ever. All the little quirks that make us unique will be glorious and wonderful and welcomed. We will have to figure out a way to live together as a team again, but it will be exciting. It will be like my dear friends Journey have always said.... "I get the joy of rediscovering you." At the end of this whole thing we will run into each others' arms and have our long slow kiss. There may not be music, but it will give The Notebook a run for it's money.





Baring My Soul On This One...

We knew this deployment was coming. We had been prepping for it. Building up the emotional strength and physical requirements to endure. About a month or so ago we were informed that about half of the soldiers that were supposed to leave would get to stay home. It was hope. It was a call to some serious prayer. There were a few times when the Spirit hit me so hard and so unexpectedly, that I dropped to my knees while putting away groceries or cleaning so I could pray immediately. Not sweet "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer either... It was ugly, messy, tears soaking the kitchen floor, and snot dribbling down my face kind of prayer. It was real. It was honest.

I have read all the verses about God answering prayers and giving us the desires of our hearts....

John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Matthew 21:22
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

John 14:13
And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

I could seriously go on and on all day with scripture.. but you get my point. Naturally, you can understand why I stopped preparing for Mike to leave. I was CERTAIN he wasn't going anywhere. God was going to answer my prayer the way I begged him to. I knew it. We got his date of departure and it changed several times. It seemed almost daily Mike would call me to tell me that the date had changed yet again. I wasn't complaining! They kept pushing it later and later and later. I knew they would wind up calling the whole thing off anyway.

Last Friday came along and Mike had to go into work to see the flight manifest. This would tell him the exact day and time he was to be at work with his bags and ready to leave. I knew he would go in and would call me with the good news that his name was pushed off the list entirely. That isn't at all what happened. Mike called me while I was having coffee with some lovely friends of mine. He proceeded to inform me that not only was his name on the list, but it was moved forward 24 hours. He was leaving Sunday evening. That meant I had a little more than 48 hours left to hold him, touch him, kiss him, and look into his eyes. It may as well have been 5 minutes.

My world came crashing down and I was devastated. Naturally I held it together in front of my friends, but I was dying inside. The moment I got into the car to leave, the dam burst and I don't know how I made it home. I surely couldn't see the road! What happened to John 16?! Matthew 21?! What happened to Him fulfilling the desires of my heart?! What happened to the sobbing on my knees, crippling prayer time I spent with God, begging Him for Mike to stay?! Why had he ignored me? Why had he not kept the promises of His Word?!

I went from devastated to raging mad. I read the scripture. I was honest in my prayer. I was doing the things God asked of me. I DESERVED this! (Deserved is in italics because it should really be a whole other blog. I know what I deserve. Torture, humiliation, and a slow, painful death on a cross. Sound familiar? Yeah, Jesus took what I deserve.) I was so lost and confused and mad that I didn't know what to do with myself. I still prayed. I prayed over my girls and meals and even asked for forgiveness a few times. But, I held onto my anger at God like a cozy warm blanket.

Driving on Saturday I heard something on the radio that woke me up a little bit. It said, "Stop focusing on the answer to your prayers, and start focusing on the One answering them." Without skipping a beat, I knew that was for me. "Sorry God," I muttered. I realized I had been so focused on the answer, (He DID answer me. It just wasn't the answer I wanted. God always answers: Yes, No, or Wait. My answer was no.) that I had been forgetting the bigger picture. I had been forgetting the One I was praying to. 

How could I forget the fact that He brought us through a 12 month deployment just a couple years ago? It was that very deployment that helped Mike and I really grow emotionally and spiritually together. It helped lay the foundation of our marriage and our lives together. Without the strong emotional bond that the time apart created in us, we wouldn't be as solid as we are. God knew precisely what he was doing when he brought Mike and I together when he did. He knew what he was doing when he shipped Mike to Iraq. And he knows what he is doing now while sending Mike to Afghanistan.

I am not going to pretend to understand His motives, but I will say this: I know God has a plan. It is a good one. Someday I will look back at this and I will be able to see exactly why God sent Mike to war. I will drop to my knees again, however, this time it will be to praise Him and thank Him for his grace and mercy. For understanding my anger and forgiving me for it. For loving me even when I want to push Him far away and lash out at Him. He is so good and I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him.

Give Me Faith

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that you're shaping my life

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give You my life

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That you're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give you my life

I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God, You never will


PS.. I want to add something. Something CRUCIAL.. so listen up!!

Jesus went into the garden of Gethsemane to pray before he was arrested and ultimately crucified. He cried out to God. (I imagine Jesus on his knees sobbing like a baby with snot dribbling down his face.) He was begging God to save Him from what was coming. He didn't ask just once. He asked THREE, count them, THREE times!! He knows God better than any of us. He knows God has a will. So, if God's will was concrete, Jesus would know that.. right?! Then why did He go back into the garden the second and third time? Why did Jesus BEG God to take this cup from Him THREE times?! Because God can change His will. He can be flexible. But, there are things that ARE concrete. They have to play out how He sees fit. Jesus also knew that. That is why every time He cried to God, He also added, unless this is Your will and the ONLY option. Sometimes God doesn't give us the desires of our hearts because He has something better. When the fear and doubt begin to creep in, I just have to keep reminding myself.. I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him.


   

 

    

Growing Up

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

As a parent to many, many, many daughters, I know my main objective. To raise these girls up to be Godly women. I want them to contribute to society in a way that is loving, giving, selfless, and helpful. I want them to flourish and take advantage of all life has to offer. In order to accomplish all these things in all of them, I have to start at birth. Loving them, tending to their needs, showing them that they are important, special, different, and adored for all that they are. I have to treat them how I hope they will treat people. With honesty and respect. I am giving them the tools they will need to go out into the world and thrive.

As a kid, life seems to be a constant roller coaster. You are best friends with the neighbor until they won't share their favorite Barbie. Then you hate her and she isn't your friend anymore.... Until tomorrow when you forget all about it and go running and skipping with her as if nothing ever happened. You learn to forgive and move on. You learn that although they hurt you, it isn't worth losing them over. You have a baby sister (again!) and think... oh crap. Now I will NEVER get my own room. You might even resent her being born and taking up precious space in the already crammed minivan. But then one day you walk in the room and she looks at you and smiles so huge as if you are the best thing she has ever seen. OK, maybe this smelly baby isn't so bad after all. You learn to sacrifice. To make room in your world for another person. You learn that it isn't so bad either, to give up something you thought you needed so that another might be blessed. How about that super awesome girl at school that everyone was always hanging around? She was so pretty with the coolest (and expensive) gadgets. Everyone who was friends with her was almost as cool as she was. But, she was nasty to the chubby kid who nobody ever sat with. She called him fat and demeaned him to the point that he felt like he was nothing. You made the hard choice to sit at HIS table at lunch, knowing what it could do to your reputation. You learned love and kindness. You learned that things and looks don't make a person who they are. (Lipstick on a pig is still a pig, right??)

We are all learning as Christians. I know in the past couple years alone, I have learned more about grace, mercy, love, faith, and understanding than I ever have before. God has been raising me. Giving me the tools and experiences needed to mold me into the woman he desires for me to be. He is refining my grace by giving me opportunities to forgive even the hardest situations. He is refining my patience by giving me the chance to keep my cool when all the kids decide to poop themselves and fight all at the same time. He is refining my mercy by allowing me the chance to serve that mean lady down the road who has nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. He is refining my faith by putting me in situations where there seems like no hope and no end in sight. He is refining my love by giving me really, really, really, unlovable people in my life. I am changing. I feel it every day. I am seeing things I never would've noticed before. I am hearing things I would've ignored. And I am feeling for others and for Him like I never even wanted to in the past. I am becoming the woman he is intended me to be and I am so blessed. God has put me in a place with some of the most amazing people I have ever known so that we can all grow together. Helping each other and holding each other accountable. Keeping each other steady and on the narrow path. My life is forever changed and I can't wait to see what I look like in another 2 years from now.

Love

A dear friend made a comment several months ago that has been ringing in my head. She said she couldn't understand how people could be so underwhelmed when it came to what Christ has done for us. She said that if they had lost one of their loved ones, they would have a lot more feeling, but as for Christ, there is often no feeling at all.

I remember when my perspective had changed from non-chalant, to overwhelmed. I heard a song on the radio. It said how our relationship with Christ should be like falling in love. What a concept! Why had I not thought of this before? How had I not noticed that just about every single worship song and song on Christian radio was a love song. You know, the song you hear and think, "if only I could find a love like that..." I got to thinking about how God IS love and that the crazy, head over heels, madly in love feeling I have for Mike and my children, is the same feeling God has for me. If someone threatened to kill Mike, I would take his place in a heartbeat. If someone threatened my children's lives, again.. no questions asked- I would throw my head on the chopping block.

Let me tell you my love story. My whole life there was this special someone in my life. He always loved me, and although I knew he was there, I rarely (if ever) gave him the time of day. Finally, about 13 years ago, I noticed him. I fell in love with him and realized, nobody in this world could ever love me more. Unfortunately life happened and pulled me away from him. Over the next 12 years we continued an on-again-off-again relationship that was all my doing. He never faltered. He never failed. He was always there with open arms when I decided to come crawling back. A year-ish ago I recommitted to him. I made the choice to give him everything this time. My heart, soul, body, mind, everything! I refused to have a topical meaningless relationship with him anymore. I have committed everything. I am head over heels and crazy in love! Even if it comes down to my life, I would gladly give it for Him.

Romans 8:38-39 says this...
Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from the love God has for us. Not death, not life, not angels, not ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, or anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What a relief! I never have to worry about falling away from Him or his love! I never have to worry about anything or anyone coming in between us! Not sickness, not government, not money, NOTHING!! I have been learning so much about Jesus, the person he was, the God he is, and the lover of my soul who yearns for me. I don't ever want to turn back, and I never will. His love is like nothing I have ever known before. Because I know now who He is and how he loves me, I will always be overwhelmed when I feel the Spirit moving in me. I will always be overwhelmed when I watch a movie of his life and see the pain and torture he went through. He did that for me. He did it for you too. When you get into his Word and start realizing the REAL Jesus, you will be overwhelmed too.

It's Only A Shadow...

Psalm 23

1The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

We have all read this chapter a million times. It brings hope to the weary, strength to the weak, and comfort to the fearful. A restore group that was held in my home did a study on Psalm 23, Psalm 91, and Isaiah 43. It was such a phenomenal study and I only wish everyone I know and love could have been there. Or even every military family, especially ones prepping for this deployment.

As my home and family gets ready to send Mike to Afghanistan, the level of fear seems to be rising. My family is becoming distraught with anxiety and thoughts of "what ifs". I keep coming back to this highlighted section of Psalm 23. Notice it says "valley of the shadow of death". We are walking through it now. We are walking through the "shadow". 

Well, lets put this into perspective.... what is a shadow? Remember being a little kid and scared of the dark? Or even now, as a parent, comforting your child who is afraid of the monsters that are creeping in the corners of their room? What did your parents tell you that you now tell your babies? It's only just a shadow. (Check out this WHOLE song... you will love it!)  There isn't anything actually there. It is just the darkness creeping in and trying to scare you.

There is a very real and very tangible enemy who fights for our attention. He doesn't want us to KNOW that Mike is going to be just fine and completely protected in Afghanistan. He doesn't want us to KNOW that the kids and wives left behind are going to thrive and make it through with help, love, and support from our brothers and sisters in Christ. He wants to distract our faith by replacing it with fear. Fear of being separated from loved ones, fear of being hurt or even killed, fear of having to hurt or possibly kill another. There is so much fear that it will smother you if you let it. That is exactly where he wants you. So deep in a dark hole of fear and misery that you can't see the light.

What you need to remember is this.
Isaiah 43: 1-7

1But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
2“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
3“For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
4“Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
5“Do not fear, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
And gather you from the west.
6“I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring My sons from afar
And My daughters from the ends of the earth,
7Everyone who is called by My name,
And whom I have created for My glory,
Whom I have formed, even whom I have made.”

You are His! You know how you would do anything and everything in your power to protect and care for your children? Well so would God! And his "anything and everything" is SO much bigger than anything you can even fathom! Do not be afraid of the lies and the "shadows" that the enemy will whisper in your ear! Do not give in to the doubt and deceit! You have so much more control over it than you know! Pray like crazy and cast out in JESUS name anything that wishes to bring darkness over you or your family!

An incredible woman told me about a man who was laying in bed and heard his rocking chair from his living room start rocking. Knowing there was nobody else in the house, he went to check it out only to see the Devil sitting in the chair. The man said, "Oh. It's just you." And with that he went back to bed. That is precisely how we should treat him. With nothing more than a passing glance. We do not have to fear him or anything he brings our way. We are the daughters and sons of the Most High God! The enemy has NO authority over us! Praise God for redeeming us, loving us, carrying us, and bringing us out of the "shadow"!