Baring My Soul On This One...

We knew this deployment was coming. We had been prepping for it. Building up the emotional strength and physical requirements to endure. About a month or so ago we were informed that about half of the soldiers that were supposed to leave would get to stay home. It was hope. It was a call to some serious prayer. There were a few times when the Spirit hit me so hard and so unexpectedly, that I dropped to my knees while putting away groceries or cleaning so I could pray immediately. Not sweet "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer either... It was ugly, messy, tears soaking the kitchen floor, and snot dribbling down my face kind of prayer. It was real. It was honest.

I have read all the verses about God answering prayers and giving us the desires of our hearts....

John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Matthew 21:22
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

John 14:13
And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

I could seriously go on and on all day with scripture.. but you get my point. Naturally, you can understand why I stopped preparing for Mike to leave. I was CERTAIN he wasn't going anywhere. God was going to answer my prayer the way I begged him to. I knew it. We got his date of departure and it changed several times. It seemed almost daily Mike would call me to tell me that the date had changed yet again. I wasn't complaining! They kept pushing it later and later and later. I knew they would wind up calling the whole thing off anyway.

Last Friday came along and Mike had to go into work to see the flight manifest. This would tell him the exact day and time he was to be at work with his bags and ready to leave. I knew he would go in and would call me with the good news that his name was pushed off the list entirely. That isn't at all what happened. Mike called me while I was having coffee with some lovely friends of mine. He proceeded to inform me that not only was his name on the list, but it was moved forward 24 hours. He was leaving Sunday evening. That meant I had a little more than 48 hours left to hold him, touch him, kiss him, and look into his eyes. It may as well have been 5 minutes.

My world came crashing down and I was devastated. Naturally I held it together in front of my friends, but I was dying inside. The moment I got into the car to leave, the dam burst and I don't know how I made it home. I surely couldn't see the road! What happened to John 16?! Matthew 21?! What happened to Him fulfilling the desires of my heart?! What happened to the sobbing on my knees, crippling prayer time I spent with God, begging Him for Mike to stay?! Why had he ignored me? Why had he not kept the promises of His Word?!

I went from devastated to raging mad. I read the scripture. I was honest in my prayer. I was doing the things God asked of me. I DESERVED this! (Deserved is in italics because it should really be a whole other blog. I know what I deserve. Torture, humiliation, and a slow, painful death on a cross. Sound familiar? Yeah, Jesus took what I deserve.) I was so lost and confused and mad that I didn't know what to do with myself. I still prayed. I prayed over my girls and meals and even asked for forgiveness a few times. But, I held onto my anger at God like a cozy warm blanket.

Driving on Saturday I heard something on the radio that woke me up a little bit. It said, "Stop focusing on the answer to your prayers, and start focusing on the One answering them." Without skipping a beat, I knew that was for me. "Sorry God," I muttered. I realized I had been so focused on the answer, (He DID answer me. It just wasn't the answer I wanted. God always answers: Yes, No, or Wait. My answer was no.) that I had been forgetting the bigger picture. I had been forgetting the One I was praying to. 

How could I forget the fact that He brought us through a 12 month deployment just a couple years ago? It was that very deployment that helped Mike and I really grow emotionally and spiritually together. It helped lay the foundation of our marriage and our lives together. Without the strong emotional bond that the time apart created in us, we wouldn't be as solid as we are. God knew precisely what he was doing when he brought Mike and I together when he did. He knew what he was doing when he shipped Mike to Iraq. And he knows what he is doing now while sending Mike to Afghanistan.

I am not going to pretend to understand His motives, but I will say this: I know God has a plan. It is a good one. Someday I will look back at this and I will be able to see exactly why God sent Mike to war. I will drop to my knees again, however, this time it will be to praise Him and thank Him for his grace and mercy. For understanding my anger and forgiving me for it. For loving me even when I want to push Him far away and lash out at Him. He is so good and I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him.

Give Me Faith

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that you're shaping my life

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give You my life

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That you're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give you my life

I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God, You never will


PS.. I want to add something. Something CRUCIAL.. so listen up!!

Jesus went into the garden of Gethsemane to pray before he was arrested and ultimately crucified. He cried out to God. (I imagine Jesus on his knees sobbing like a baby with snot dribbling down his face.) He was begging God to save Him from what was coming. He didn't ask just once. He asked THREE, count them, THREE times!! He knows God better than any of us. He knows God has a will. So, if God's will was concrete, Jesus would know that.. right?! Then why did He go back into the garden the second and third time? Why did Jesus BEG God to take this cup from Him THREE times?! Because God can change His will. He can be flexible. But, there are things that ARE concrete. They have to play out how He sees fit. Jesus also knew that. That is why every time He cried to God, He also added, unless this is Your will and the ONLY option. Sometimes God doesn't give us the desires of our hearts because He has something better. When the fear and doubt begin to creep in, I just have to keep reminding myself.. I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him.