A Dark Place

Wow. Has it been over a year already? My last post was July 3, 2015. Fifteen months has passed. Fifteen months, people!! Do you have any idea the craziness that abounds in my life over a fifteen month period?! Well... it's a lot...

I wont bore you with a twenty page essay on every detail, but I will tell you that we have somehow found ourselves living in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin. Mike has a great job and is home way more than he used to be. I am able to stay home with our girls and only work a very part time, seasonal job to keep me busy through the winter. Luciana has discovered and fallen in love with volleyball. Grace has become and works her butt off being a talented gymnast. Lila is finding her joy in choir and collecting things. Sophia and Hazel are simply enjoying the life of living so close to their cousins.

We live 4 miles from my sister and her family. Her and I have grown so close and it seems the closer we get to God, the stronger our bond grows. Jessica has become a best friend to me as well as the big sister she's always been. Being able to share life with her is indescribable. Seeing our children laugh together and enjoy each other so much is something I didn't know that I would ever have on a regular basis again.

We are close to our parents and extended family as well. They are all roughly an hour and half to two hours away, just across the border into Minnesota. We visit with them often and it's always pleasant and fun.

We have everything I wanted. Everything I missed so much about this place. We have our family, we have the great schools and better hours at work. We have a Target just a few minutes down the road for goodness sakes!

So why do I feel so empty?

Why do I long to be back home in Georgia?

Why does everything feel so bleak?

When we moved here we knew we wouldn't find another Restoration Church. That place is impossible to duplicate. We would never find the same people and the same relationships, because every one of those beautiful people are irreplaceable. We had an expectation of finding something similar, however. We expected to find a church with passionate and Spirit filled worship. With a message that challenged us and stepped on our toes. We expected to meet people who would sharpen us and allow us to pour into them.

We have been to 4 different churches so far. Desperately trying to connect and find the passion that we knew so well at RC. But everything here is so different. People are so distracted. Everyone is so busy. Church isn't Spirit led. It's tightly scheduled and boxed up in a pretty package. The worship sings the same words, but it feels like its just words. The messages are all very relevant and really aren't bad messages, but they don't challenge us in our faith. They don't call us out and encourage us to change and grow. As soon as service is over, everyone rushes home for the football game and to prepare for another busy week of doing the exact same things. Work, school, sports, activities, and church again the next week. There is no time for Bible studies, or spontaneous coffee, or lunch dates. There is no time for getting out in the community and helping those who need it or showing them the love of Jesus. There isn't even time for worship to inconveniently run past three songs. One hour and you are in and out of there. Like a drive through. Like a quick pit stop in the chaos of a completely jam packed organized life.

This is so very sadly different from the slower and deeper way of life we have been so fortunate to have experienced down south. Everything was worship. Everything was about Our Father. You choose your career based on what will allow you to use your gifts and be the hands and feet of Jesus. You plan your weekends around being home and being available to attend or even serve at church on Sunday. We used to plan our vacations around church, leaving Sunday afternoon and arriving home Saturday night. Shoot.. I planned my C-section with Hazel around our church service. I couldn't miss it. Not for anything, not even having a baby.

Every day our church body looked more and more like the early church that Paul describes in Acts.

Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

-Acts 2:41-47

At RC, church is a way of life. It isn't something you do on Sundays before the game starts.

I am by no means saying that people here don't love Jesus. I know there are so many who are so head over heels in love with Him. In fact, I think there are more people who believe in God and consider themselves Christian in this area than not. All I am saying is, that the culture is dramatically different. I miss the southern Georgia, Restoration Church, Jesus culture. I miss every day being for Him. I miss every breath being for Him. I miss seeing and being a part of people being saved. I miss experiencing others lives being changed forever and being able to have a small hand in that.

Most importantly, I miss having a body of believers surround me, holding me up when I am weary, helping me to stand when I fall, lending me a shoulder to cry on, and giving me a Godly word when I don't know what else to do. I am overwhelmed with family up here, yet I feel so alone spiritually. I miss my church family more than this blog can explain.

I don't know if God brought us here or if it was just my heart and emotions leading me. I don't know if God wants to use us here and we just aren't listening. All I know is that we aren't the people we used to be. I read through my previous blog posts tonight and I am in awe of the woman who wrote those. Who is she?? Where has she gone?? I am but a whisper of the woman I was and I miss her dearly.

Thankfully God has placed specific people in my life to remind me of who I am and who God has called me to be. I hate that I keep forgetting and that I am making them work so hard, but I am so beyond grateful for them and their dedication and faithfulness. I can honestly say without these life lines, I would be completely spiritually dead. I have forgotten how far I've come from who I once was. I have forgotten how sweet it tastes to be the new creation that I am called to be. I have forgotten the peaceful comfort of living constantly in His presence because I have allowed myself to become distracted and busy. I have allowed myself and my family to acclimate to this new environment instead of challenging it.

I am afraid to post this for fear that those I love will misunderstand my words and my heart. I am so thankful to have every moment that I do with my family, especially my sister. I am so thankful for each laugh and tear that we share. I have missed her so and my heart sings when we are together. She is my candle light in this dark place. She is my hope and the only reason I haven't tucked tail and gone running back to Georgia. I am so thankful for her patience with me all these years and for her accepting me even though most of the time she doesn't understand me. I am so thankful for her steady love that she's lavished on this gypsy soul.

If you can't tell, I am in a pretty dark place right now. But I'm reminded that even a single candle light can be seen for 30 miles. There is hope and God hasn't left my side even when I can't feel Him there. I assure you, I am coming back to who I once was and even better than before.

  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”

-Lamentations 3:22-24