Burning the Tree Down

A few weeks ago I was at a church meeting. A woman stood up to say some encouraging things and give a bit of her testimony. In that, she explained how she had been spending a lot of time in prayer forgiving people for making her feel rejected. God revealed to her that these situations were just leaves on a big ole tree. As soon as she got rid of a few leaves, there were several more sprouting out of the branches. She realized if she was to ever truly move out of this place of constant rejection, then she would need to get rid of the entire tree- from the roots.

This got me really thinking. I have struggled with being accepted and liked by people my whole life. I thought I had dealt with these issues, but if I had, then why did I still get nauseous when someone was mad at me? Why would my mind get stuck trying to figure out what I did wrong if someone didn't give me the attention I thought they should have. I had rejection issues. Approval issues. I needed to figure out where the root was so I could burn that whole dang tree to the ground.

I prayed on it and spent some time reminiscing with God. I had already forgiven my dad, so I don't think that is the cause. But then what could it be? I realized after awhile that I had some things from my childhood in regard to my mom that I hadn't addressed. I hadn't dealt with these things because I didn't think I needed to. I didn't think they necessarily required forgiveness toward her because mostly they were not directed at me or anything she had done to me. It was mostly things I had seen and heard. Things I had witnessed. Being my role-model, I had watched my mom and took subconscious note of what a woman looks like and how she speaks and acts.

Please do not misunderstand me. My mom was always a great mom and never would have ever done anything to intentionally harm any of us. She did the best she knew how and it is better than most moms. I have always viewed her as strong and independent. But my mom struggled with loving herself. She struggled with accepting herself for who she is. I don't think she ever saw herself as being good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or just enough. Period.

I had a raw and honest conversation with my mom after my revelations and it was so good. We discussed the things I remembered and I forgave her for things that she had unknowingly said and done. I know that had she realized back then how much her Daddy God loves her, things would have looked a whole lot different. I am thankful now that my mom is in the arms of her Father and daily moving deeper into her relationship with Him. 

After many tears and really good conversation, I didn't feel a sudden miraculous weight off my shoulders. I didn't hear angels singing and see the clouds parting to glorious bright white light around me. Nothing of notable change was made. Or so I thought.

Since that conversation with my mom, there have been many situations where the enemy has tried to use the people in my life to knock me down and make me feel worthless. Whether its in a Facebook post directly calling me out for something I wasn't even a part of, or in a private message accusing me of having evil motives for something they don't understand. There has been things said about me and to me that should have wrecked me emotionally.

It was only a week or so ago that I realized all these things had and were still happening... and I was fine. Perfectly ok. I wasn't losing sleep or walking around with a sick feeling in my stomach. I wasn't desperately trying to defend myself or my motives. I wasn't quick to explain who I was and what I was doing. I realized that I don't care what people think of me. I don't care what they think of my actions or my motives.

The only one that matters is my Father. My Daddy Dear. My Abba. My God. He is the only one who matters. He sees my heart and hears my thoughts. He knows who I am and why I do what I do. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't have to explain myself. If someone wants to know what is happening in my life and in my heart, because they genuinely love and care for me. Then I know they will ask. They wont assume and they definitely wont attack. If they do, then I know that it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with something within them that God needs to help them work out. I cant and wont be offended by the poor actions and words of others. How can I take other peoples hurts personally? 

I thank God for healing me of this rejection and acceptance junk that I have dealt with my whole life. Being rid of it has opened my eyes to seeing people for who they really are. My eyes are no longer shrouded by a veil of self-consciousness. I can see the love and care that was always there. I can see the genuine relationships that the enemy wanted to keep from me. I can finally experience freedom in my friendships because I don't need these people to validate me. God validates me. He assures me of my place with Him. And He smiles on me with the love of a Daddy for his most beloved baby girl. 

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day.

- Psalms 139:13-16 MSG