The Choice

Sleepless nights. Tossing and turning and getting increasingly frustrated because I know that I have to be up in a few hours. I just can't seem to turn my mind off. It is reeling with a thousand different questions that I don't have answers for. Confusion, doubt, fear, and insecurity is all crippling my mind and heart.. and I guess my body since I can't seem to fall asleep.


We all knew that we had a decision to make. Do we get out of the Army and give this civilian life a shot? Or do we reenlist and see where it takes us? Here's the thing, my husband and I are screw ups. We can't help it. It just keeps happening. We look behind us and there is a trail of mistakes spread out as far as the eye can see. So, naturally, we do not trust us to make such a big decision. We don't want to make the wrong choice and fall flat on our faces. So, we ask God to choose for us. Not only that, but we would really appreciate it if He could come in the form of a giant burning bush and a loud booming 'Wizard of Oz' kind of voice. That would be great. Thanks, God.


It's been months and my bushes are not burning. The Wizard isn't showing up either. Nothing. Is God just waiting until the very last minute? Did He tell me and I wasn't listening? Oh, Lord... what if He never tells me what to do?!


We would probably have kept on waiting if we weren't being forced to choose. The Army has decided that they need Mike to go to Korea for a year. He would have to leave very soon. He tried all he could to get out of it, but they basically said he either goes to Korea or gets out of the Army all together. Ok, God... we could use that sign right about... now!


You all know I have been sobbing like a big ole baby on my elliptical all week. Sweat and tears getting all mixed up in a salty mess pouring down my face. My way of taking my thoughts captive and controlling my focus is to visualize Jesus while I am working out. I close my eyes and imagine Him standing far off. This feels like I am running to Him. It's been working pretty well, if I do say so myself. The other day, however, Jesus decided to throw in a little touch of burning bush.


I was running my literal butt off on the elliptical. Worshipping and crying and visualizing myself running to Jesus. Suddenly, He smiles at me and walks over to my side. He stands next to my huffing and puffing body and He just smiles. "I am not way over there. I am right here with you. No matter how fast you run or how far away you go, I am always right here. There is no escaping me, even if you wanted too. Because I love you, I will never leave you." Words began to run through my mind, although Jesus' lips never moved. Waaaaaahahhhhhh..... Naturally I sob and cry and gasp for breath because of this stupid elliptical and then I stop. Not running, I keep running even though I wish to everything my 15 minutes was up. I stop crying. I stop sobbing. I stop gasping. I even stop breathing hard. I open my eyes and am in awe at the peace that I have. I was still running way faster and harder than ever and I am not even panting. Slow, easy, peaceful breaths in and out. Cool, huh?


Well, this didn't answer my question. It didn't make my decision for me. But, it did tell me what I needed to hear. That wherever and whatever our decision is... God will go with me. He will not forsake me. If I have to leave this promise land that I have found, it doesn't mean that I will go back to the terrible person I used to be. I will never be that person again, because it isn't an option. Just like divorce isn't an option. Just like moving to the moon isn't an option. I don't have to worry about it, because it's not one of my choices.




One of the most precious women I have ever met gave me a word and it changed everything for me. She said, while God has His plan, He also has a more flexible will. Sometimes He leads you to the buffet and lets you pick your meal. Every choice will honor Him. Every choice will bring glory to His kingdom. Because not serving Him isn't an option.


So, you mean, maybe God is telling me... to choose what I want?! Oh man. I have been so determined to believe that whatever I want is probably not lining up with God wants, that I haven't allowed myself to dream. I haven't allowed myself to desire. I have been too afraid of wanting the wrong thing. But, God loves me. He wants me to have dreams and desires. He wants to help me fulfill them. He wants to walk hand in hand with me and help them all come to pass. After all, I have been transformed. I have taken on the very heart of God. As long as I don't stray from Him, I can't fail. 


I had to come to a place of peace. Knowing that God will never leave me. He will never allow my family to live on the streets or go without meals. And, even if any of those things ever happened, He remains the same. No circumstance in my life will ever change who God is. It will never change what He has done for me and continues to do. So, I am not afraid anymore. I will not make a decision for my life based on fear. There is no fear in love. If God is love, then there is no room for fear. I choose to stay close to God, therefore leaving fear behind. 


My husband and I have talked, fought, cried, yelled, and ultimately sat down to a civil conversation addressing the pros and cons of each option. We have come to a decision and we have great peace with it. We don't have all the answers, but we do know which general direction we are going with. And we are excited instead of fearful. Finally looking at the future with hope and anticipation. I know whatever happens, we will never do it alone. 


Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.


Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. 


We believe that God wants us to choose. So, we have gone with our heart's desire and we know He will be faithful to guide every step along the way.