Thank God for gloves. And Nyquil.

It all started the middle of October. Sophia was complaining of a stomachache and headache. It seemed that it was especially at night, so I brushed it off as her stalling the dreaded bedtime. But the complaints were becoming more frequent and were after mealtimes as well. This had me wondering if there was something to this. Then the fever hit. Oh geez.

After calling the appointment line for Winn Army Community Hospital. (If you are now or have ever been stationed here, you know why I wait until it's absolutely necessary (by this I mean bleeding out of the eyes kind of serious) to have to call or go in there for an appointment...) After listening to the incredible jazz saxophone rendition of Alicia Keys for the third time, a human actually answered the phone. Hallelujah!

Wait. Hold that praise.

Unfortunately, Mrs McLaughlin, there are no appointments available for today. Or tomorrow. Or this week. Or this month. Or ever!!

Well this just won't do. Now what? My options are:

1. Go to the emergency room at Winn and sit in the tiny disease, virus, and bacteria infested waiting room with 30 other coughing, sneezing, vomiting, crying, sleeping sick people for at least 6 hours while you wait to be called back. Once called back, don't worry, while you will no longer be forced to watch another episode of One Life To Live, you will be subject to yet another very long wait. At least you can listen to the chatting of the doctors and nurses about their personal lives and drama. That can be interesting in itself. Once Dr Notevenclosetomcdreamy finally comes in, he will take one look at you, prescribe you ibuprofen or broad spectrum antibiotics and send you on your way.
2. Call Tricare and wait on hold for what feels like eternity before someone finally answers, only they don't speak English very well. So, good luck getting that referral to urgent care. Oh, and if you call before 3pm on a weekday, they tell you where you can shove your sickness and laugh in your face. 

Well, I chose to call Tricare. Thankfully I called on a Saturday and was able to get a referral to the Urgent Care Clinic in Jesup. Ok, send up those praises now. We went and after no waiting, discovered Sophia had strep throat. Apparently strep often appears as a stomachache and headache in small children. Who knew? After filling her prescription, I take her home, get her started on the medication and start washing bedding.

The next day, we weren't even out of the church parking lot when I was already on hold for Tricare yet again. My ear had been killing me for a week. It hurt so bad, and now I wasn't even able to hear out of it. I got my referral and drove myself, and 6 kids to Urgent Care yet again.(I had my friend's daughter staying with us for a couple weeks- she's basically one of my kids.) The doctor was thoroughly impressed with the amount of fluid and blood in my ear. In case you don't know... you don't ever want your doctor to ever be impressed with any part of your body. So he started me on antibiotics and even gave me something for the pain. 

A few days later, I had two kids complaining of sore throats... Deep breaths... Luckily I called Tricare at about 4pm and this time, I had 7 kids at the clinic with me. That's right, folks, another one of my friends was out of town for work and I had her daughter with me as well. (If you are curious where my hubby is this whole time... in the field. In a tent. So I wasn't pissy that he was able to avoid all this mess.) They ran tests on every single one of my children and discovered that most of them had strep. Also, Sophia wasn't responding to her medication and was beginning to develop a Scarlet Fever rash. So drugs all around! Now I felt like a nurse at a mental hospital. Twice a day I yelled- MEDICINE TIME... and the girls all lined up in the kitchen, waiting their turn. Luckily most of it was liquid, so I didn't have to check cheeks. 

Everyone is good now, right? The entire house is disinfected. The smell of Lysol fills every room. Ahh... sanitary. Wrong. November 3 was a Monday. It was my sweet Sophia's first ever field trip and I was so excited to join her. My back had been aching for a few days, but I brushed it off as my needing to go to the chiropractor. We went to Poppell Farms. It was fantastic. Quite a fun place for little ones. By the time we got to sit down for lunch, I was dizzy. Lightheaded and confused as to why. I told the teacher I had to leave, and we hurried to the car. On the way home, I called my husband. I didn't know what to do but I needed a hospital. I was afraid of crashing the car, but I somehow made it home and waited for Mike to come and take me to the doctor. He called and got us into the Urgent Care again. They ran a test for the flu and it came back positive. I had Flu B Virus. Kill me.

I was miserable and every bone in my body ached. Even my teeth. My eyes felt like they were being squeezed and I could feel my brain bashing against the side of my skull every time I moved my head. I had a fever that was up to 105 at times and I was ready to die. Take me home, Jesus. I am done. But, Jesus had other plans and after several days in bed, I started feeling better. Just in time for the rest of my family to get sick. Wonderful. 

Before the flu was completely healed from the house, my sweet Lila came to me complaining that her bum was itchy. It had been itchy for a few weeks and while my first reaction was hygiene- go take a freaking shower, already! I was now starting to get suspicious. I looked at her backside and it looked fine. Not red. No rash. Nothing. She began telling me that it hurt on the inside. Uh.. what?! So after asking her a series of delicate- has anyone touched you there- questions, I decided it was time to call the doctor. 

After jamming to Alicia Keys for a bit, the hospital was able to squeeze me in. I took Lila the next day to see one of the grumpiest women I have ever had the pleasure of smiling at. She was very disappointed that I didn't know the color, texture, or frequency of my 8 year old daughter's poo. No, ma'am, I stopped changing her diapers a few years back... She told me that they thought it was pinworms. Again, kill me. I needed to do a test. This included a fancy medical looking stick with tape on the end. I was supposed to sneak into my daughter's room at 4am, pull her pants down, spread open her bum, and stick these tape sticks around her rectum. Like a ninja. Yeah, nobody is going to freak out here... Then I had to take the sticks into the lab to be tested to see if there was worm eggs on it. Apparently these little worms live in your intestines and come out at night to lay eggs on your anus. Fun, eh? Don't be jealous, it's apparently incredibly common and contagious- especially among school age kids.

A dear friend of mine told me a sweet trick, so I can avoid scarring my daughter for life. She said to shine a flashlight at my kid's bum and if there was worms, they would come to the light. I did it. A tiny white threadlike worm came busting out- causing me to vomit in my mouth and want to run for my life. Turns out, however, that this is so common, that they sell the medication for it at CVS. Thank you Jesus. We were able to start my Lila on the meds immediately and we treated the entire family- just to be sure. The next day, I deep cleaned and sanitized the entire house. This includes vacuuming and bleaching everyone's mattresses. Yeah. I mean business.

So we are finally out the woods, right?! Three plagues in a month is good enough. Leave us alone, now. Wrong again. I got a call from school on Monday November 17th telling me that Sophia needed to be picked up right away because she had a fever. When I got to school, they informed me that Sophia had thrown up a couple of times since they called. Dear God, why is this happening to us?!

It has now been a week since I picked up Sophia from school and that virus has run through each and every one of us. The cough, runny nose, and sore throat lingers a bit on a few of my girls, but for the most part it is over. Will that be the last of the plagues that are hitting the McLaughlin family?! Who knows?? All I know is this.... I am exhausted. I now have turned my kitchen cupboard into a medicine cabinet to hold the mass quantities of drugs that we have had to acquire in order to survive these plagues. I feel like a drug dealer, a pharmacist, and a nurse all at the same time. I have seen things I never wanted to see and worse, I have done things I never wanted to do. All I can say is, thank God for rubber gloves. And Nyquil.