A Dark Corner

Revelation 12:11 KJV
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony...

They "overcame him". Let's take a quick look at this, shall we? Who is they? They is us. You and I. We overcame him. Who is him? Him is the enemy- Satan- the Devil. Take your pick. So, we overcame him. The New Living Translation says this:

 And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.

We defeated him. Get that? How do we defeat the enemy? By accepting the blood of Jesus.. that Jesus died and shed every last drop of his blood for us to save us from having to ever taste death or allow Satan victory over us. But also by our testimony.

testimony:
1) a formal written or spoken statement, especially one given in a court of law.
2) evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.

We all endure hardships and go through unthinkable things. In fact, since getting more into ministering to women, I have come to realize that most of the women I know have been through some of the most horrific and tragic acts of sexual assault and abuse. The lie that the enemy would have us believe, is that we are alone. Nobody can understand our scars or our pain, because nobody else has been through this.

I am going to be bold. I am going to step out in faith and share one of the darkest and most hidden parts of my life. I kept it in a dark secret place in the corner of my heart because I didn't think anyone would understand. I didn't think anyone could relate. I was wrong. So, here is my testimony. Here is how I overcome. Here is how I win. I pray that my story gives someone hope. I pray my story shows that you are not alone. 

It was the 4th of July and I was thrilled to be in one of the most exciting places I had ever been. I was 14 years old and I was spending a few days at Wisconsin Dells with my cousins. My older cousin was several years older than I was (early 20s), but she didn't care. She was my best friend and made me feel important. While my two older sisters didn't want me in their rooms, let alone to hang out with them- she actually wanted me around. We left her mom and our campground, and we went out driving in her little red sports car.

It wasn't long before we had met some really good looking guys and were back in their hotel room. They were in their early 20s and I had lied to them, telling them I was 19. I was always 19 when my cousin and I went out. This wasn't the first time we had done something like this, however, it was the first time it went this far. I don't remember the other guys. I only remember him. He was so handsome. Dark hair, smooth tan, and dark eyes that seemed to draw me in to him. He smelled like the magazine ads in the latest issues, and I was smitten. I cannot remember his name, but I remember the look on his gorgeous face the moment I whispered for him to stop.

The music was so loud in the next room where my cousin was flirting with the other guys. I have told myself all these years that she couldn't hear me fighting him off and she probably couldn't. But, I was so young. She shouldn't have let me go into that room. She should have stopped me. When he was finished, he was so mad at the blood on the hotel sheets and all over himself. He stomped to the bathroom to grab a wash cloth, threw it in my face and demanded I get cleaned up and get out while he showered. I sat there in disbelief. Why was he mad at me?!? Had I done something wrong?! Was this my fault?! 

I left there that night accepting that this was my own fault. I led him on, I went into the room with him, I shouldn't have gotten him to a point where he couldn't stop. My innocence was gone as well as my pride, my trust, and my hope. I felt worthless. 

We went back to the campground where I drank until I couldn't feel anymore before passing out into sweet, black, oblivion. The next day, July 5th. We decided to go out again. I had already accepted that last night was my own fault, and I could control my circumstances and situations from here on out. We found ourselves at a large campground with a mansion sized house. Everyone there was Russian. Not many of them spoke English, but all of them were so wonderfully kind. Men, women, children, old, young. It was like a giant family reunion. We wound up around the biggest bonfire I had ever seen. The men and women were all telling jokes and singing songs. They passed around a bottle of vodka, but the label was in Russian, and I am pretty sure it wasn't legal in the US. I remember declining the bottle when it got to me. But I also remember his gorgeous eyes pleading with me to take a drink. He said it was his birthday and all he wanted was to have a birthday drink with me. It was just one drink, and he seemed so kind. I took the shot and passed the bottle. By the time it made it's way back to me again, I was already out of it. That stuff was strong! I took another shot and then my memory goes black.

I can't remember how I got there, but in my mind, I see flashes of scenes, like in a thriller movie. Black... I'm stumbling through the dark woods... Black... I'm being led out of the woods by someone pulling my arm... Black... I'm in the tiniest room I have ever seen with the ceiling so low and slanted that this can only be an attic... Black... I am fighting him off with everything in me, but it's nothing. My muscles feel like Jello and I can hardly get out a sentence with him throwing my body around like I was nothing but a doll. A plaything... Black... I had a brilliant plan to fake having to go to the bathroom. I told him and I said I couldn't hold it. I thought he would let me find my clothes, and go off alone. This would give me a chance to run. I don't know where- but at least I would be away from him. Instead, he stood me up and walked me to the bathroom, gripping my arm the whole way. He warned me that I had better be quiet. Our bare naked bodies walked (I stumbled) through a house filled with sleeping children. They were everywhere. On the couches, the floors, everywhere. I knew I couldn't cry out for help and allow these poor little children to witness what was happening to me. He sat me on the toilet and stood over me, not taking his eyes off of me. When I was finished he gripped my arm and led me back to the tiny room... Black... I remember stumbling out of the front door of the house with my cousin yelling at me. Where had I been? I had been gone for over four hours. The sun was rising quickly and the day was beginning. 

We went back to the campground where again, everything went black. I slept so hard. No dreams, no thoughts. Black, numb, nothingness. When I got home I tried to tell my oldest sister, but I didn't know how. I was responsible for the first night (in my head) and so could I really call anything rape? I hadn't been beaten and left in an alleyway, so what was this? The only person I told was my best friend. We had been friends since we were toddlers. I went to her birthday party and I pulled her aside and I told her. She said nothing. She looked at me like I had told her I was an alien. She turned and walked away, and I haven't spoken to her since. That set the tone for keeping my secret for the next several years. Until, only a handful of people knew, and only a couple knew the details. 

I have chosen to forgive these nameless men. I have chosen to forgive my cousin for not helping me. I have chosen to forgive my old friend for turning away from me. It's been a long time, and it's done a lot of damage in my life and relationships. But, this is where I take my life back. This is where I take my relationships back. This is where I look at that dark time straight in the eye and say, "you have no power over me!" This is where I overcome, where I defeat the enemy and take back what he has stolen from me. This is where I open up more to my husband than ever before. Where I let my guard down and allow myself to be completely vulnerable with him sexually and emotionally. This is where I learn that I can trust this man with everything in my heart- good and bad. This is where I learn that I can trust him to touch me with love and gentleness. This is where I begin living more fully.

Since choosing to forgive these men, God has shown me revelation after revelation. I have wept after making love to my husband. Wept. Tears of relief and tears of joy... because I never knew how to accept physical love before letting go of this bitterness in my heart 

I thank God for restoring this piece of my heart. I praise Him for guiding me gently through this process of sharing one of the most humiliating and vulnerable events in my life. I praise Him for not letting me go through it alone. I praise Him for allowing me to block out most of it (that HAS to be the Holy Spirit). I am so grateful that I don't have to walk in shame, fear, hopelessness, pain, or humiliation anymore. I am restored. I am changed. I am an overcomer.