We are a Christian family. We believe every single word in the Bible to be true. With that being said, we believe that our 5 daughters are honored and precious in His sight. They are blood bought royalty and should be treated as such. Their bodies are to be respected. Their hearts are to be honored. One day they will find the man that God has set aside for them, and they will give their hearts and bodies to him. They will trust him, they will honor him, and they will be vulnerable with him, knowing he will treasure and respect every inch of them. We have been teaching our girls to respect themselves, and their future boyfriends, by saving themselves for marriage. Can you imagine being with someone, getting to know everything about them. Learning their dreams, hopes, hearts, what makes them tick... and loving them so much that you are willing to commit to them for the rest of your life- without knowing how they are in bed? That is what we want for our daughters. For a man to love them so completely, that sex is the last and final thing they get to know about them, and only after promising forever to each other. Beautiful, isn't it?
Well here's the problem. We teach our kids that sex before marriage is bad. We even teach them why. We explain all that I just said above and leave it at that.... But that isn't enough. My kids- and your kids... they are human. They have hormones and feelings and urges, just like everyone else does. So when your honor roll student starts getting "weird feelings", she might think they are evil. They are sinful and wrong. She might wish they would stop and pray for God to cleanse her and forgive her. She might get curious about why people have sex, when the explanation for waiting is so beautiful.. so she might ask the internet. She might go to YouTube and type in sex.. she might be exposed to pornography in her search for these answers. The pornography might make her feel shameful, but oddly aroused. She might harbor these feelings of shame about what she just witnessed. She might decide to not talk to you (even though you have a perfectly open- even about sex- relationship) because she is afraid you will be ashamed of her too. What then?
Let's take a moment to pause on this pornography topic. Pornography is dangerous and it is a slippery slope. At first, it makes you feel wrong and shameful, but aroused. So you go back a second time. This time the bad feelings are less, and the arousal is more. The third time... well you see where I am going with this. It starts a lot younger than you think. Your parental controls on your computer are not stopping it. The only one who can stop it is you. The biggest problem with porn is that it is a lie. All of it. It makes young girls believe that is how they are to dress, speak, and behave with men. They believe that is how they should act sexually with men. It makes young boys believe that is how girls should look, act, and speak also. They also believe that is how girls will be sexually. When those young people wind up in a sexual situation of their own, their expectations are skewed. Their disappointments will be great. Those girls will wind up crying in a corner and hating themselves, while those poor boys walk away feeling like a monster. Porn has a lifetime effect and is as addictive as meth. Do not sit idly by while your children fall into this pit of despair. If you knew your kid tried heroin... would you still allow him to hang around the drug dealer? So, if you know your kid has access to porn, why do you allow them to sit on the computer, ipod, or smartphone by themselves for hours?
These "urges" and "weird feelings" are not evil. They are not sinful. They are natural. God created us with these feelings. God created sex! He wants us to have a pleasurable and sexually intimate relationship with our spouse. Don't believe me? Check out Song of Solomon... It explains this:
You see? We are inadvertently telling our kids that they are sinful and shameful by not explaining these natural feelings to them. Some of us may actually be telling our kids that sex is bad and wrong and evil. Making the issues way worse for their kids... So here's the deal. Sex is not wrong. Sex is a beautiful and wonderful blessing that God created so we can have a special and intimate relationship with the one we chose to spend forever with. It's a coming together of two souls into one. As long as we treat it with respect and honor it, there is nothing wrong with it.
Explain to your kids that the feelings are not wrong. They are natural. It is what you do with it that can make or break you. Every situation in our lives has a crossroads. God or the world. When someone makes you angry and you want to lash out and say something hateful, you have to choose- say it, or turn the other cheek? God or the world. When your spouse betrays you and repents, you have to choose- walk away or forgiveness? God or the world. When you have sexual feelings when you are with a boy, you have to choose- give in and give yourself away or get up and walk away from the situation? God or the world. It's all a choice. They have to know that the choice is theirs. They have to know their ways out. They need your love and support, because they can't do this alone. Be their support. Be their confidant.
With our youth, we need to be sure that we talk to them about sex. Talk to them about their urges or feelings. Answer their questions without judgment or condemnation. Allow them to feel safe opening up to us. And don't wait for them to come to you. Sex is an embarrassing topic for most people. They might not ever come to you. They will, however, go to their friends at school, magazines, websites, etc. They will find answers to their questions. But if you want them to find the right answers. The answers that God has for them, laid out in scripture.. then you need to take responsibility and you need to start that conversation before it's too late.
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