Once Upon A Dream

 

It was the year 2000 when Erin Brockovich came out. I was 15 and ready to take on the world as a paralegal, and eventually a lawyer. I was going to start college as soon as I was out of high school and just jump into the world of success after that. I wanted to make a difference and investigate hidden lies and bring the truth to light. I wanted to make the newspaper and television. Everyone would know my name, and the big bad wolf would fear me! I was going to have the penthouse apartment with a pool on the roof and no children whatsoever to hold me back.

Well almost exactly a year later, I became pregnant with my oldest daughter, Luciana. Wow.. not quite how things were supposed to work out... Like that, all my dreams came crashing down. I couldn't do anything that I intended, because now I had a GED and a baby who needed me to work so she could do all those crazy baby things.. you know, like eat and wear clothes and have a fresh diaper... silly stuff. Then, one after the other, the babies came pouring out of me like water. Until here I am today. A wife to a soldier (super hot and incredibly amazing soldier...) and a mommy to 5 daughters. ~insert comments and gasps and oohs and ahs here~ My life is not even a glimpse of what I thought it would ever be.

 

Now, I am not saying this is a bad thing. I mean, I am so madly in love with my family. I do not see them as people who are standing in my way or holding me back. I see them as the blessings that they are, and I never stop thanking Jesus for each and every one of their crazy selves. But, whatever happened to my dreams? Whatever happened to me? Have I gotten so lost in caring for everyone else and tending to their needs that mine have been totally forgotten? Do I even count? Do I matter? Or am I simply here to give everyone else the life they desire? What is to come of me when my girls grow up and move out and pursue their own dreams? Then what? Will I be in the fetal position in the corner mumbling and drooling because I have no concept of life without being a mommy? Who am I, anyway?

What if I decide to chase those long lost dreams now. As a grown woman with 5 kids and a hubby who's committed himself to the military? Well, see the thing about that is that my dream would look slightly different these days. Do I still want to bring justice and truth to the world? Yes! Do I still want to help people who are being manipulated, beat down, and broken? Absolutely! Do I still want the fame and fortune and penthouse apartment? Not a chance. I can go to college now and get a degree and help and serve people, but my motives are so incredibly different. When I was 15 I was living for me. My life was my own and I was the only one who mattered. Nowadays, I kinda fell for this amazing guy. His name is Jesus. We are super tight and I really genuinely am devoted to Him. Every breath I take is for Him. Every accomplishment I have is His.



My success is measured differently. My motives are geared toward Him. My heart is always wanting to know how my actions are going to benefit His kingdom. That's all that matters. When this life is all said and done, we aren't bringing the Lexus and penthouse and our money to Heaven with us. We won't be bringing our awards and newspaper clippings and medals. No, no, my ambitious friends... we will be headed toward Paradise with our faith, our character, our love, and our hearts. Matthew 16:26 says: For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

But don't think this means that we can't do incredible things, people! We surely can have the career and make a huge impact on this world. Psalms 37:4 says: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. And James 4:10 says: Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you. You see? When we genuinely love God and chase after Him, our hearts change. We will still be exalted, but for different reasons and in different ways. We must become less so that He can become more in us. I can go out and get my college degree and become a paralegal or lawyer and do it all for the glory of the Lord. I want to serve people and give a voice to those who have none. I want to show mercy and grace to those who have never been given a chance. I want to show people who Jesus is through my love and actions. I want to show them hope. So that even those who seem the most lost can find their dreams again.

So don't stop dreaming my friends. Don't give up on your goals. Focus on Jesus and He will give you your heart's desires. He may not do it the way you think it should be done or when you think it should be done. Sometimes, He doesn't give us what we think we want most, because it turns out He has something better in store. If He would've fulfilled the dreams I had in high school, I would be a much uglier version of myself. I would still have that hole in my heart that I would be trying to fill with things and people. God will make sure our dreams come true when we are emotionally and spiritually ready for them, because He wants us to prosper and blossom, not fall flat on our faces. So keep digging in and fuel your faith. Trust that your dreams are not forgotten. "It's gonna be big, it's gonna be wild, it's gonna be full of HIM!!"