Goodbyes

I never in a million years thought I would be married to a soldier in the US Army. It's not that I didn't welcome the option. It's just that I never lived near a military base growing up, so I never thought I would ever even meet a soldier. I watched the movies and read the books. It was so romantic! Your brave warrior goes off to fight for your honor in the blood filled battlefields, only to return tattered and worn out. Running into his arms, he scoops you up and with a long kiss, the music would start to play and you and he would live happily ever after.

Well... reality is much less dramatic. There is no bloody, torn, and tattered uniforms. There is no music. But... there is the running into each others arms. There is the thrill of that long, slow, passionate kiss that you had been dreaming of for the past 12 months. The romance is there. But, the homecoming wouldn't be nearly as romantic without the sad, tear filled goodbye. That is where the crappiness comes into play. The goodbye. It is never easy no matter how many times you do it. Ask a wife who has had to do it 10 times and her answer will be the same.

 

 

At first it feels like there is something sitting on your chest, while a golf ball is stuck in your throat, and anything at any time could cause you to collapse on the floor in tears. You learn to avoid the card section at Wal Mart, commercials, love songs, photo albums, and romantic movies. Any possible way to avoid remembering that half of your heart is missing is a great thing. But, there are things you cannot avoid. For me, this time, it has been the bedroom. I avoid it at all costs. I wait until I am so exhausted that I wont have to spend too much time awake in there. I have a hard time laying down in the king sized bed all alone. (Having the kids in there doesn't help, so I don't bring them in with me anymore...) When Mike would get up and leave for work in the morning, I would always roll over and sleep on his side of the bed. It was so warm and cozy there where he had been laying. Over the past week I found that I have completely migrated to his side of the bed. I don't even try to fall asleep on my side anymore. The problem is that it isn't warm like it used to be. It always feels so cold.

 

People always say, "Well, at least you have 5 kids, so you will be too busy to miss him." Really?! Have you ever gone from having a partner to take on 5 kids to being a single mom overnight?! We are a team. We take on every aspect of our lives together. For him to be absent is horrible. It is stressful and overwhelming. It is completely going against every thing we have worked so hard to build together. So, those people are terribly wrong. I don't miss him less because of the kids. I miss him even more. The worst part of the day is after I tuck the last child into bed for the night. That is our time. Our time to stop being mom and dad, and just be together. Now it has become my time. I feel lonely and lost and I wish I could just go to sleep and allow tomorrow to come faster... but.... that would require going into the dreaded bedroom... So it's a vicious circle.

 

I know this post is very downhearted. It is sad and dark and not the usual me. But, this is how I am feeling. I am a better person when my husband is here. Does this mean I am giving up? No way! I will never ever quit until my last breath. I will keep moving forward. Today I mourn and feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I will pick myself up, and move forward. God has something great planned for us. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and scripture seeking strength and comfort. Maybe more than I ever have. Maybe this time apart will draw both of us closer to Him. If this deployment means our relationship grows stronger with the Lord, then I am all for it. 

 

At the end of this whole thing we will be better. We will be stronger and more in love then we ever have been. We will appreciate each other more than ever. All the little quirks that make us unique will be glorious and wonderful and welcomed. We will have to figure out a way to live together as a team again, but it will be exciting. It will be like my dear friends Journey have always said.... "I get the joy of rediscovering you." At the end of this whole thing we will run into each others' arms and have our long slow kiss. There may not be music, but it will give The Notebook a run for it's money.





Baring My Soul On This One...

We knew this deployment was coming. We had been prepping for it. Building up the emotional strength and physical requirements to endure. About a month or so ago we were informed that about half of the soldiers that were supposed to leave would get to stay home. It was hope. It was a call to some serious prayer. There were a few times when the Spirit hit me so hard and so unexpectedly, that I dropped to my knees while putting away groceries or cleaning so I could pray immediately. Not sweet "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer either... It was ugly, messy, tears soaking the kitchen floor, and snot dribbling down my face kind of prayer. It was real. It was honest.

I have read all the verses about God answering prayers and giving us the desires of our hearts....

John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Matthew 21:22
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

John 14:13
And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

I could seriously go on and on all day with scripture.. but you get my point. Naturally, you can understand why I stopped preparing for Mike to leave. I was CERTAIN he wasn't going anywhere. God was going to answer my prayer the way I begged him to. I knew it. We got his date of departure and it changed several times. It seemed almost daily Mike would call me to tell me that the date had changed yet again. I wasn't complaining! They kept pushing it later and later and later. I knew they would wind up calling the whole thing off anyway.

Last Friday came along and Mike had to go into work to see the flight manifest. This would tell him the exact day and time he was to be at work with his bags and ready to leave. I knew he would go in and would call me with the good news that his name was pushed off the list entirely. That isn't at all what happened. Mike called me while I was having coffee with some lovely friends of mine. He proceeded to inform me that not only was his name on the list, but it was moved forward 24 hours. He was leaving Sunday evening. That meant I had a little more than 48 hours left to hold him, touch him, kiss him, and look into his eyes. It may as well have been 5 minutes.

My world came crashing down and I was devastated. Naturally I held it together in front of my friends, but I was dying inside. The moment I got into the car to leave, the dam burst and I don't know how I made it home. I surely couldn't see the road! What happened to John 16?! Matthew 21?! What happened to Him fulfilling the desires of my heart?! What happened to the sobbing on my knees, crippling prayer time I spent with God, begging Him for Mike to stay?! Why had he ignored me? Why had he not kept the promises of His Word?!

I went from devastated to raging mad. I read the scripture. I was honest in my prayer. I was doing the things God asked of me. I DESERVED this! (Deserved is in italics because it should really be a whole other blog. I know what I deserve. Torture, humiliation, and a slow, painful death on a cross. Sound familiar? Yeah, Jesus took what I deserve.) I was so lost and confused and mad that I didn't know what to do with myself. I still prayed. I prayed over my girls and meals and even asked for forgiveness a few times. But, I held onto my anger at God like a cozy warm blanket.

Driving on Saturday I heard something on the radio that woke me up a little bit. It said, "Stop focusing on the answer to your prayers, and start focusing on the One answering them." Without skipping a beat, I knew that was for me. "Sorry God," I muttered. I realized I had been so focused on the answer, (He DID answer me. It just wasn't the answer I wanted. God always answers: Yes, No, or Wait. My answer was no.) that I had been forgetting the bigger picture. I had been forgetting the One I was praying to. 

How could I forget the fact that He brought us through a 12 month deployment just a couple years ago? It was that very deployment that helped Mike and I really grow emotionally and spiritually together. It helped lay the foundation of our marriage and our lives together. Without the strong emotional bond that the time apart created in us, we wouldn't be as solid as we are. God knew precisely what he was doing when he brought Mike and I together when he did. He knew what he was doing when he shipped Mike to Iraq. And he knows what he is doing now while sending Mike to Afghanistan.

I am not going to pretend to understand His motives, but I will say this: I know God has a plan. It is a good one. Someday I will look back at this and I will be able to see exactly why God sent Mike to war. I will drop to my knees again, however, this time it will be to praise Him and thank Him for his grace and mercy. For understanding my anger and forgiving me for it. For loving me even when I want to push Him far away and lash out at Him. He is so good and I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him.

Give Me Faith

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that you're shaping my life

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give You my life

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That you're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside
I give you my life

I may be weak
But Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God, You never will


PS.. I want to add something. Something CRUCIAL.. so listen up!!

Jesus went into the garden of Gethsemane to pray before he was arrested and ultimately crucified. He cried out to God. (I imagine Jesus on his knees sobbing like a baby with snot dribbling down his face.) He was begging God to save Him from what was coming. He didn't ask just once. He asked THREE, count them, THREE times!! He knows God better than any of us. He knows God has a will. So, if God's will was concrete, Jesus would know that.. right?! Then why did He go back into the garden the second and third time? Why did Jesus BEG God to take this cup from Him THREE times?! Because God can change His will. He can be flexible. But, there are things that ARE concrete. They have to play out how He sees fit. Jesus also knew that. That is why every time He cried to God, He also added, unless this is Your will and the ONLY option. Sometimes God doesn't give us the desires of our hearts because He has something better. When the fear and doubt begin to creep in, I just have to keep reminding myself.. I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him.


   

 

    

Growing Up

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

As a parent to many, many, many daughters, I know my main objective. To raise these girls up to be Godly women. I want them to contribute to society in a way that is loving, giving, selfless, and helpful. I want them to flourish and take advantage of all life has to offer. In order to accomplish all these things in all of them, I have to start at birth. Loving them, tending to their needs, showing them that they are important, special, different, and adored for all that they are. I have to treat them how I hope they will treat people. With honesty and respect. I am giving them the tools they will need to go out into the world and thrive.

As a kid, life seems to be a constant roller coaster. You are best friends with the neighbor until they won't share their favorite Barbie. Then you hate her and she isn't your friend anymore.... Until tomorrow when you forget all about it and go running and skipping with her as if nothing ever happened. You learn to forgive and move on. You learn that although they hurt you, it isn't worth losing them over. You have a baby sister (again!) and think... oh crap. Now I will NEVER get my own room. You might even resent her being born and taking up precious space in the already crammed minivan. But then one day you walk in the room and she looks at you and smiles so huge as if you are the best thing she has ever seen. OK, maybe this smelly baby isn't so bad after all. You learn to sacrifice. To make room in your world for another person. You learn that it isn't so bad either, to give up something you thought you needed so that another might be blessed. How about that super awesome girl at school that everyone was always hanging around? She was so pretty with the coolest (and expensive) gadgets. Everyone who was friends with her was almost as cool as she was. But, she was nasty to the chubby kid who nobody ever sat with. She called him fat and demeaned him to the point that he felt like he was nothing. You made the hard choice to sit at HIS table at lunch, knowing what it could do to your reputation. You learned love and kindness. You learned that things and looks don't make a person who they are. (Lipstick on a pig is still a pig, right??)

We are all learning as Christians. I know in the past couple years alone, I have learned more about grace, mercy, love, faith, and understanding than I ever have before. God has been raising me. Giving me the tools and experiences needed to mold me into the woman he desires for me to be. He is refining my grace by giving me opportunities to forgive even the hardest situations. He is refining my patience by giving me the chance to keep my cool when all the kids decide to poop themselves and fight all at the same time. He is refining my mercy by allowing me the chance to serve that mean lady down the road who has nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. He is refining my faith by putting me in situations where there seems like no hope and no end in sight. He is refining my love by giving me really, really, really, unlovable people in my life. I am changing. I feel it every day. I am seeing things I never would've noticed before. I am hearing things I would've ignored. And I am feeling for others and for Him like I never even wanted to in the past. I am becoming the woman he is intended me to be and I am so blessed. God has put me in a place with some of the most amazing people I have ever known so that we can all grow together. Helping each other and holding each other accountable. Keeping each other steady and on the narrow path. My life is forever changed and I can't wait to see what I look like in another 2 years from now.

Love

A dear friend made a comment several months ago that has been ringing in my head. She said she couldn't understand how people could be so underwhelmed when it came to what Christ has done for us. She said that if they had lost one of their loved ones, they would have a lot more feeling, but as for Christ, there is often no feeling at all.

I remember when my perspective had changed from non-chalant, to overwhelmed. I heard a song on the radio. It said how our relationship with Christ should be like falling in love. What a concept! Why had I not thought of this before? How had I not noticed that just about every single worship song and song on Christian radio was a love song. You know, the song you hear and think, "if only I could find a love like that..." I got to thinking about how God IS love and that the crazy, head over heels, madly in love feeling I have for Mike and my children, is the same feeling God has for me. If someone threatened to kill Mike, I would take his place in a heartbeat. If someone threatened my children's lives, again.. no questions asked- I would throw my head on the chopping block.

Let me tell you my love story. My whole life there was this special someone in my life. He always loved me, and although I knew he was there, I rarely (if ever) gave him the time of day. Finally, about 13 years ago, I noticed him. I fell in love with him and realized, nobody in this world could ever love me more. Unfortunately life happened and pulled me away from him. Over the next 12 years we continued an on-again-off-again relationship that was all my doing. He never faltered. He never failed. He was always there with open arms when I decided to come crawling back. A year-ish ago I recommitted to him. I made the choice to give him everything this time. My heart, soul, body, mind, everything! I refused to have a topical meaningless relationship with him anymore. I have committed everything. I am head over heels and crazy in love! Even if it comes down to my life, I would gladly give it for Him.

Romans 8:38-39 says this...
Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from the love God has for us. Not death, not life, not angels, not ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, or anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What a relief! I never have to worry about falling away from Him or his love! I never have to worry about anything or anyone coming in between us! Not sickness, not government, not money, NOTHING!! I have been learning so much about Jesus, the person he was, the God he is, and the lover of my soul who yearns for me. I don't ever want to turn back, and I never will. His love is like nothing I have ever known before. Because I know now who He is and how he loves me, I will always be overwhelmed when I feel the Spirit moving in me. I will always be overwhelmed when I watch a movie of his life and see the pain and torture he went through. He did that for me. He did it for you too. When you get into his Word and start realizing the REAL Jesus, you will be overwhelmed too.