American Gospel

At the suggestion of a friend, I watched a movie called American Gospel. I was on my way to spend 4 days alone with God. Something I have done at His prompting as a way to get fully engaged and connected with Him. My own “Moses on the mountain” kind of thing. I saw this Facebook post from Pastor Bob urging us NOT to watch this movie, but then almost immediately afterward, saw another post from my friend urging me TO watch the movie. Pride rose up within me and I thought, “I’ll watch what I want and make MY OWN decisions. I don’t need anyone telling me what I shouldn’t watch. I am NOT a sheep. I have my OWN mind!” I watched the movie trailer and was intrigued!

So, I went to my camper and before I even unpacked my things, I watched the movie. At first, I was energized. I felt like I had so much revelation and that I could see truth like I never had before. I began to repent for being selfish and self-centered (which I really had been). I quickly encouraged my husband, daughter, sister, mom, and friends to watch it too. I was overwhelmed with all the information that had just been thrown at me. 

Then I began to think more. I began to question everything I thought I knew. I questioned my pastors and their hearts. I questioned the churches I had been a part of and experienced God at. I questioned the encounters I had with God, my dreams, visions, prophesies, promises, and the worst- I questioned my own salvation. 

I began to message this friend who recommended the movie. I asked questions and she tried to answer me the best she could. I was very honest and told her that I was on a truth journey with God. He was very clear that He was leading me to ALL truth and that the truth WOULD bring division. That people would reject it and in turn reject HIM. I needed to know, so I asked. “Do you still feel that we are to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons?” She responded that she does NOT believe that is for us, but that it stopped with the original apostles. That it made sense to her because “we don’t see those things happening today”. This rocked me. 

If this was true- than everything I thought to be real and true about God was a lie. Everything I thought to be changing and growing and happening in my life was wrong. All the promises I thought I heard God speak directly to me were just my own thoughts. My whole world was flipped upside down and I was almost immediately flooded with fear and anxiety. I haven’t struggled with these things for so long because I know to take authority over them. But could I? Did I have authority to do so? Was I fooling myself to think I had any say in casting anything away or changing the atmosphere? Do my words do anything at all? All those times I felt the presence of God, was it just me? My emotions? Is God even here with me? Am I even saved at all? Who do I ask? Where do I turn? My pastors can’t be trusted. Everyone is in on this big charade. And WHY?! 

I was so overcome with fear that I was almost crippled. I had to call my husband to come to the camper, on my first night alone with God, because I was SO shaken. I couldn’t sleep. I had zero peace. Even after Mike arrived and was laying next to me, I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I was a hot mess. Mike tried to reassure me and reminded me of Pastor Bob’s post warning us to NOT watch this movie. My pride rose up again and I decided it was probably because he must have been trying to keep me from learning the truth about my inevitable doom. 

Out of my precious and sacred 4 days with God, I spent at least 2, maybe 2 ½ days wrestling with doubt, fear, and anxiety. All because my pride told me to open a door that my Pastor wisely advised me not to. Throughout my conversations, I was told that our Pastors can’t be trusted, that Bobby Conner is a fake, in fact all modern-day prophets are. That we do not have the authority or ability to heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons, or experience Holy Spirit on a supernatural level. When I refused to watch the YouTube videos being sent to me, and when I was questioning and reminding about the moves of God that I personally had experienced and seen with my own eyes- the conversation ended. I was shut down and “unfriended” because I was not willing to blindly accept what was being said. Nor was I willing to base my faith in God or the Word on videos of strangers on YouTube. When I brought forth personal experiences and scripture I was snapped at angrily before ultimately being “blocked” on Facebook. There was no grace, no love, no conversation.

During this “wrestling” with God and with my faith and flesh, God was faithful. He never missed a beat and He never left the room. He reminded me of all the dreams and visions He had shown me. He reminded me of the supernatural things I personally experienced in my life. Of the incredible experience of deliverance that I went through. Of the several healings that I have been a part of. Of the supernatural healing that I have received. Of all the tender moments of mercy and grace where he showed up and showed out regardless of my level of faith. He took me to Jude and reminded me of the dangers of false teachings and false prophets. He took me back to the previous week’s messages in church where the worship was focused on HIM alone and the messages were leading us to seek HIM and lean on HIM. He reminded me that Pastor Char consistently leads us to the WORD and to learning our identity IN HIM and outside of our flesh. He reminded me of Jake always preaching about a closeness and intimacy with the Father. He reminded me of the countless stories that Pastor Bob has of miracles and supernatural events that others who have been with him can corroborate. 

My faithful, loving, and patient Abba reminded me that while my pride says “I’m not a sheep! I have my own mind!”- the truth and the Bible says that I AM a sheep. And that Jesus is my faithful shepherd. I know from studying that sheep are really dumb and make foolish mistakes a lot of the time, which is exactly why they need that faithful shepherd to look over them. He reminded me that I do NOT have my own mind, but that I surrendered my opinions and thoughts and mind over to God and asked Him to transform and renew it to be like His. 1 Corinthians 2:6-16explains to us that with our human mindset we could never understand God or what He is doing because God is Spirit. We need Holy Spirit to transform our minds to have the mind of Christ. Only in this way can we understand what God is saying and doing. Jesus himself was our perfect example. He only did what His Father did (John 5:19) and said what His Father said (John 12:49). So, the countless times that I have beenencouraged me to “form my own opinion” was really not encouraged out of Godly wisdom. God does NOT want me to form my own opinions. He knows my selfish and one-sided opinions. I spent a lifetime doing that and I still struggle with it. My opinions have led me to bitterness, hatred, judgement, criticism, condemnation, and isolation. It wasn’t until I gave my opinion over to God and asked for my mind to be transformed like His, that I began to see people differently. Situations differently. Outcomes differently. Everything looks so different from this side of grace. 

I recently heard the testimony of an incredible man named Majed El Shafie. He has an amazing testimony and has first hand continually experienced the supernatural hand of God. One thing that stood out to me was when he was explaining how growing up in Egypt, he saw Christians persecuted for their faith. He was curious why it was so illegal because he understood that people don’t persecute you until you have a truth that they want to keep hidden. I feel like God is so powerful and mighty and He doesn’t need to be defended or debated. He will speak for himself. If someone feels like they need to continually come at me for professing the truth that God has breathed into His word and into me directly, then I know God will deal with them directly and I count it all joy to be persecuted for His truth.

This movie wanted to impress to me that ultimately the foundation of theirbelief is that the ONLY thing that matters is the gospel of Jesus. The life, death, and resurrection. Nothing beyond that. I am not here to say that any of that is not important, because of course it is EVERYTHING! His sacrifice is the very reason I live and breathe today. What I am saying is that the work of God did NOT stop there and the fact that this movie and those who stand behind it feel that is has is the saddest thing I could possibly hear. Hebrews 6:1-20 tells it all. We need to mature. We need to move beyond the basic message of Christ and advance into perfection. In fact, there is peril in NOT progressing. 

The last day and a half of my time with God was spent in full surrender to Him. This was where He was finally able to show me who He designed me to be and what purpose He has for me. He said, “Come to the altar. Lay it all down. Your concerns, questions, fears, whatever. Lay it down and let ME sort it out for you. Let me burn away what isn't good and true. Let me judge what is real. I want to show you new things but you keep going in circles around the old. Do not be led astray, my child. Don't be led into foggy, unclear areas- lest you tumble off a cliff. Stay close to your Shepherd. To the ONLY voice who matters. Stay close to my guiding. To my leading. We will do big things together.” The funniest thing of all this? God calls me His prophet. He speaks clearly and purposefully to me every day. He has shown me things I couldn’t make up and revealed things I can’t hide from. To say that prophets don’t exist today and that Holy Spirit doesn’t move and encounter us is to say that my very life is a waste. In fact, I was told that any prophetic word beyond what is in scripture is a waste. That it can’t possibly add to what is already written. That for God to continue moving and speaking would all be wasted breath on His part. But I tell you- Isaiah 55:10-11 tells us that nothing He does or says returns void. I have seen His words spoken to me come to pass. I have seen the dreams and visions shown to me come to fruition.

This movie tried to steal my identity. It tried to steal my salvation. It tried to twist and turn the Word of my God to suit the maker’s purposes. It bashes many pastors, preachers, and churches. (Psalm 105:15) Once upon a time I had to wipe my legalistic religious mindset clean and relearn who God is- and this movie almost stole all of that maturity and growth from me. It tried to steal even my daughter’s future plans and promises. It is a trap and it is a clever and crafty one. Remember that everything with scripture involved does NOT equal truth. The devil knows scripture better than most of us and he will use it against us with every chance he gets. Our pastors are here to shepherd and guide us. They have been called to lead us and warn us and keep us from “tumbling off a cliff”. They have proven themselves faithful and true. While they are not ever going to be perfect, they strive for purity and yearn for the presence of God. We need to trust the God in them. Trust that Yahweh speaks to them directly. Every word they preach can be lined up with scripture, and if I have a question, I am confident I will have a grace and love filled conversation that will not end in cutting me out of their lives completely. 

Ephesians 4:11-16 NLT

Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ. Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

Freedom

“I am beside you. I am always with you, whether or not you feel me. Trust that I am here. Don’t fret or fear. Because I am here to guide you and love you and care for you. Don’t try to make your own way.” -God

I had surrendered my entire being at a weekend retreat for women. I had stepped out of my comfort zone and danced for these women out of obedience to God. I did it because I love Him. I didn’t want to do it- but I didn’t want to say no to Him out of love and admiration and trust. I had danced all night. It was a powerful night filled with revelation and liberation from sin and shame. Holy Spirit had swept in the place and encountered literally every person. 

My team and I went back into a storeroom. I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I had nothing left in me. I sat in a wheelchair that was being stored there. I had collapsed and had no intention of getting up except to go to bed. Suddenly my arms felt so heavy and I felt like my fingers were dripping. It was a weird feeling and I started to laugh at how crazy it all sounded. The other ladies with me began laughing at me too. Soon we were all laying on the floor laughing so hard we were crying and dribbling snot everywhere. I tried a few times to stop. I closed my eyes and calmed enough to open them, but once I locked eyes with another girl we would both break out laughing hysterically again! 

After awhile, I heard a sound come out of my mouth. It followed my laughter and sounded like a beautiful horn being blown. It didn’t scare me. It actually intrigued me. It was beautiful. So, I kept laughing and the horn kept following. Soon the beautiful horn noise was followed by a horrific growl. It must have scared someone else in the room, because a couple of the Pastors came in soon after. 

Now I was on my hands and knees on the ground. I couldn’t stop it at this point, but I honestly didn’t try to very hard. I would take a breath and the horn would sound from me, followed by a deep and terrifying sounding growl. Soon the growl was more and more and louder and louder. I was surrounded by pastors praying for me. I started gagging and heaving and the growl kept coming out of me. It was as if it was being pulled from the depths of me. From a place where it had dwelt for so long. It had its claws deeply rooted in me and wasn’t coming out without a fight. 

The pastors switched out and there were 2 different pastors praying over me and commanding this thing to leave me. They were encouraging me and comforting me. Guiding me to continue heaving this thing until it was all out of me. They brought a towel under my face and told me to spit it out. Whatever it was. I started spitting into the towel and saw my spit was mixed with blood. Soon after that, it was over. I collapsed and couldn’t move for the longest time. Those 2 pastors never left me. They sat and held me and explained to me what had just happened. They told me that God would reveal to me what it was that was just pulled from me. Then they helped walk me to bed where I immediately fell deeply into sleep.

I believe I was delivered that day because God decided it was time. I believe everything was set up exactly how HE wanted it. I didn’t go looking for this, nor did I expect it. I was only seeking HIM. He brought me to a place where I was so exhausted that I didn’t have the strength or sensibility to stop what would need to happen. Then He filled me with joy and laughter! He showed me a joy that I had never known before. Then, when I was fully trusting and in awe of what He was doing, it started. 

That beautiful horn sound, I believe was the Holy Spirit. I believe that He had gone into the hidden secret places deep within my soul and found that ugly dark thing that had resided in me for too long. He grabbed hold of that thing and He pulled him out of me. I imagine the horn sound as a bright white light pulling the thick black growl from within me. The pastors who were originally in the room had enough wisdom to know that they weren’t the ones to pray for me. I don’t know if they didn’t have a lot of experience, or what, but I know the 2 that stepped in to finish the job were perfect for it. I believe God made sure they were there with me. He gave them the experience, the wisdom, the knowledge, and the patience to stick out what would be a 4-hour ordeal. I believe God made sure they were there to explain it to me after and to hold me and walk me to bed. He took great care with every detail, making sure everything was lined up perfectly.

I went home that weekend having no idea what it was that came from me. All I knew was that I felt more free and more whole than I had ever felt in my life. I didn’t even ask what it was and I didn’t care. I was just so happy to be in His arms and to be so well loved and cared for. After a couple of weeks, I noticed that the “thorn in my side” was no longer there. I realized that the issue I struggled with most of my life was nowhere to be found. I didn’t ask God to take it away. I didn’t seek out any deliverance ministries. I just pressed into Him. I just wanted to be with Him. To seek His face and rest in His love.

What I am saying, is that God is way smarter than us. He knows us inside and out. He knows what we need and when we need it. He knows what struggle is heading our way and he knows what we will need to get through it. We don’t have to know everything. We don’t have to know why or how or when. The only thing we need to know is HIM. The more we press into a close intimate relationship with God, the more we will trust this about Him. Closer and closer to Him, our worries will diminish and our faith with grow. We don’t have to do anything but love Him. I am so thankful that He delivered me that night. I will never be able to thank Him enough for what He’s done or how He has healed me. I know there is more healing to come, more laughter, more tears, more breaking, and more mending. Whatever the journey looks like, I trust in HIM and His perfect plan for me.       

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.

    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so my ways are higher than your ways

    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." 

Isaiah 55:8-9 NLT

Acceleration

It was a Sunday. Much like every other Sunday at the end of camper-season. Mike and I were cleaning up after another fabulous summer of campfires, ATVing, laughing with friends, and sleeping in late. It was beginning to get colder and the leaves were starting to fall. The water was going to be shut off and our camper would be winterized and prepped to sit through the frigid winter months, waiting patiently for the spring to arrive with it's promise of sunny days and warm nights. 

Camper = LumberMike

Rachel was over, carrying on menial talk and cracking silly jokes like usual. Somewhere in the conversation, I recall mentioning that we would certainly be unable to sell our home and move for at least 5 years. Moving was not on our radar in the least. Mike and I had plans to fix up our house here and there and eventually, after a few girls move out for college, we would consider downsizing to something else. It was a fleeting conversation that I had all but forgotten about until that evening. 

We were driving home from the camper after cleaning and raking and pressure washing all day when the text came in. It was Rachel informing me that her neighbor was planning to list their house this week. 

Let me back up a bit. 2 weeks prior, in one of our usual conversations of dreams and what-ifs, Rachel and I discussed how wonderful it would be if her neighbors were to move from behind her. I could buy the house and I could be her neighbor once again and we would live happily ever after sipping coffee on our back porches while our kids played and grew up together. She had mentioned at this time that the owners were considering moving in the next couple of years. Little did we know... that timeline would be accelerated. 

Here we are. Sunday evening. Receiving text messages about this mystery house (we had no idea if it even had bedrooms) and deciding to go check it out that very evening. Mike was surprisingly willing to go. I think he was trying to make me happy by attending this impromptu showing, but not having any actual intentions of moving. Ever. 

Claw Foot Tub... need I say more?!

We came to discover the most perfect for us home ever. Aside from the location, it has massive bedrooms, tall ceilings, 2 bathrooms that I couldn't have designed better (guys- I am talking deep claw foot and jetted tubs..seriously..), and common living space to spare! This turned out to be the house that I think Mike would actually consider moving for! The deciding factor rests on the garage. Mike requires at least 3 stalls. He needs it insulated and heated for his home gym. This perfect amazing home has a 3 car garage... that is not heated or insulated. 

After honestly not a whole lot of convincing, and barely any begging or bribing, Mike agreed to put an offer on the house. The day it hit the market, we put in a generous offer. The next day, the owner's accepted! We were on our way to our beautiful new fancy west hill home!

The problem now, is that we have to sell our current home. Without selling we won't be able to close on a new mortgage. So we got to work. Fast. Within days, our home was inspected, new carpet laid, new appliances installed, electrical updated and fixed, fresh paint, new floors, and the house was ready to sell! The best news, is that our home value has sky-rocketed since we bought it, leaving us with enough profit to insulate and heat the new garage. (Oh hey, Jesus. Thanks for showing off for us- again!) 

All hands on deck!

We made an offer 3 days after seeing the new palace. They accepted the following day. 7 days later our house hit the market. 9 days after that we had an open house that welcomed 13 families in to check the place out. Today we sit at 11 days on the market, 22 days after first seeing the gorgeous castle, having had shown our home to 20 families. 

All year I have heard preachers and prophets talk about acceleration. They have claimed there is new things coming this year and faster than we expect. God is moving quickly and He is going to accelerate our growth, our pace, and our expectations. God is doing bigger things than I think any of us can truly realize. I have come to question if we will sell our house or not. I have doubted and dragged myself to bed exhausted with shaking faith. But, God continues to remind me of how fast He is moving and all that He is shifting around. There is so much that I can't see. There is so many moving pieces. People have commented on how unbelievably fast we were able to get our house fixed up and ready to sell. I still can't believe how it all came together. 

Through it all God keeps tilting my chin up to match my gaze with His. He brings Mike along to crack a joke or do something ridiculous to keep me laughing through it all. He ensures a weekend with the most perfect boy, Angus, to make sure I meet my snuggle quota. He keeps reminding me to not look at the things around me, but fix my eyes on Him. He has this all under control, so why worry? Why give myself the ulcer and old lady wrinkles? What good will it do? 

Angus, the perfect angel doggy model

He has been telling me to write. So here I am writing. I don't know if anyone cares to hear any of this or if it matters to anyone else. All I know is that I am so grateful to be in a place in my life where I can sit back and watch God move all around me. To be surrounded by people at work and home who God uses regularly to encourage me, uplift me, make me almost pee myself laughing, and keep me focused on the bright side. I don't know what the end of this story is, but I know that God knows my heart's desire. I know God cares about what I want. I know whether we move or not, He will continue having my heart and attention. 

Mike says we will have an offer by Tuesday. A friend from church says we will have an offer by the end of the week. We will see what happens. 


Isaiah 60:22 says, "... I am God. At the right time, I will make it happen."

Thank you Jesus that you are always right on time. Thank you that you don't move based on how I feel or what I think, but that you always do what is best at the perfect moment. You are the One who knows the beginning from the end, and I know that you are perfectly aware of my situation. I am humbled that you care about my desires and that you wish to give me only the best. Thank you for loving me enough to ignore the things I want that aren't in my best interest and instead usher in the greatest blessings of all. I rest in knowing that you are in control. I sleep easy knowing that you never do. I love you and can't wait to see what you do next. In Jesus' name, Amen.          

What About The Moms?

New York recently passed a new law that enables women to abort their babies up to an hour before birth. This, naturally, has the church up in arms. Devastated, we drop to our knees crying out to God for the lives of those who cannot speak for themselves. We pray corporately for these babies and we mourn for those who've already been lost. 

I am grateful to be a part of a body of believers who will speak out for the voiceless and hit their knees to intercede on their behalf. But in all the articles I've read, Facebook posts with your thoughts and opinions, videos of pastors explaining the Biblical view on abortion, I find myself missing a key component. 

What about the moms? The only thing I have heard in regard to the moms is my Pro-Choice friends standing for their right to choose. I have not heard or read or seen anyone calling out for these moms. 

In church this morning we worshiped to a song called Came To My Rescue by Bethel. In it we sang the lyrics: 

I called

You answered

And You came to my rescue 

And I wanna be where You are

Our worship leader cried out for us to intercede and lift up those babies and all I could do was weep as my heart began to break for the moms. God reminded me this morning of how He rescued me, because guys- I was one of those moms.

I found myself sobbing out broken prayers for the mom who followed through with it. I cried out for the mom who thought this was her way out. I was praying for the mom who thought she could leave the pain and burden of guilt and shame at the clinic. I prayed for the mom who was considering her options. I prayed for the mom who felt utterly hopeless and lost. For the mom who looked at her negative checking account, 2 full time jobs, and 3 hungry mouths and decided that she really didn't have a choice at all. 

When I was 18 years old I found myself broken, lost, alone, and pregnant. Again. I was a mess. My life was a mess and I had nothing to show except the 2 little girls who called me Mama. I couldn't handle another baby. So as secretly as I could be, I went to the clinic and I had the procedure that would end my unborn child's life. I didn't realize at the time that I wasn't just freeing myself from the consequences of my reckless lifestyle, but I was also branding the guilt and shame of murder onto my heart. These consequences were ones that would follow me for years. 

One day, several years later, God encountered me in a way that forced me to confront what I had hidden for so long. I desperately wanted redemption. I yearned for restoration. I longed for acceptance from a loving Father, but I could never accept His love or grace because I was clinging to the shame of killing my own child. I was clinging to the title that was screamed over me. MURDERER! I didn't deserve to be forgiven for this, because there was no undoing what I had done. 

But God. 

He rescued me when I didn't even know how desperately I needed it. He showed me He wasn't mad at me. He didn't want to punish me. He wanted to set me free. 

Not only that, but in His overwhelming grace and love, God showed me my baby. He told me his name. And he promised me that He was caring for my son until I could be with him to hold him myself. Guys. I have a memory engraved in my mind of me holding my son. The son I never actually met in the physical. I can describe his little face, his head full of black hair, and the soft little blanket that he was swaddled in. God rescued him. 

I know what it's like to make a decision that will follow you around, no matter how put together you make yourself seem. I know what it's like to keep that secret in the darkest corner of your heart. I know what it's like to not allow it to come out because you feel so ashamed and broken that you know you don't deserve anything but to feel the pain forever. 

These poor defenseless babies need our prayers, sure. But I know in my spirit that God is taking amazing care of them. They are in paradise being cared for by the Abba Father of all creation. I mean, there is really no topping that. 

But these moms... These moms need our prayers. They need a love encounter from God. They need to know that we don't condemn them. We don't hate them. We don't want to see them burn. Church, we need to stand up and pray for their salvation, their redemption, and their revelation of who God is and who they are in Him. We were commissioned over 2000 years ago to seek the lost and share the salvation that's already been paid for. We need to show these women a better way before they get to a point of considering an abortion. And for those who've already made the choice- we need to LOVE them without expectation or conditions. 

I assure you, they don't need our condemnation, they've already condemned themselves. They don't need your cruel titles thrown on them, they've already accepted these new names. They need to see and know that there is hope. That there is a God who will not only redeem them, but who will wash away their sins and forget them like they never happened. 

Sure, I had an abortion. I killed my son. But I have accepted the gift of grace from a Father who loves me beyond measure. So I can stand here today and confidently say that I am not a murderer. By His blood, my sins have been taken away and are no more. God has forgotten them, so why wouldn't I? 

Church, let's drop to our knees tonight and cry out for these moms before it's too late. Let's be sure not to shake a judgmental finger and instead reach a kind hand out to a hurting heart. Let's join together and ask Holy Spirit to sweep through the streets of New York and our own cities and change the hearts of those living there. Let's ask God for a supernatural encounter that will bring hope, encouragement, peace, and comfort to a hurting and lost people.

Heavenly Father we come to you tonight to seek your face. You are the One who knows every heart and every need. You are the only One who can rescue those who are lost and hopeless. Show them your glory, God. Show them your unyielding love. Lord, hold these women who are being faced with a choice. Urge them to turn to You and be comforted by your wisdom and loving arms. Show them the Abba Father that you are. Pour out your Spirit on them and overwhelm them with your love and grace. Keep these babies safe in your arms, God. Shield them while in their mother's wombs and keep them from all pain, Lord. You are the only one who knows what to do about these new laws and regulations. You are the only one who can rescue. Have your way, Lord. Your will be done here as it is in Heaven. We love you and we trust you completely. In Jesus Christ's holy name, Amen.      

Sarah Takes on DC (double chin)... again....

So, I have been doing a thing. A new thing. A thing I have done exactly 3 other times in my entire life. That's right, I have been working out. With weights, dumbbells, and foreign words like "squats", "curls", "shrugs", and my least favorite "skull-crushers". 

I'd like to say it's been 3 full weeks now, but the reality is that I took an entire week off for Thanksgiving (and a personal breakdown). So, it's been almost 2 full weeks of lifting and working out every. Single. Day. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I know myself. I expected to go all in... for a day or two... then taper off into every couple days, before ultimately quitting all together. But, guys... I haven't quit. And this time, I have no intention of quitting. 

There are many things that make this time different that the others, but mostly it's because I have my very own personal trainer to hold me accountable and encourage me and push me beyond what I think I am capable of. My trainer is super gorgeous and I drool over him while he lifts the big giant weights that I can't even pull in a wagon. (Don't worry guys, my trainer is my handsome husband. The big bearded guy you see me show off as much as I can? Yeah that guy.) 

So, here's how it all went down... (que memory sequence music...)

Mike was laid off November 2nd, and has been spending all his time doing the exact opposite of what 'old Mike' would've done. Instead of getting drunk and playing video games until 3 in the morning, while smoking a carton per day, and eating endless amounts of Kwik Trip cheeseburgers, Mike has chosen life. He has decided to embrace this new change in job status as a blessing and a way for God to allow him to rest and lean back into Him. With this new massive amount of time on his hands, Mike has chosen a whole new diet of healthy foods and drinks, a work out routine that took him from walking, back into running through the park again, lifting weights and gaining incredible results from his dedication and persistence, and the best part of all.... after years of smoking a pack per day, Mike has quit smoking. Seriously, guys. He just stopped. And he didn't even freak out a whole bunch and try to break anything.

I sit here in awe. Imagine me just staring with my mouth wide open like some kind of weirdo, because that's basically what I have been doing. I know the difference. I know the cause of all this beautiful change in the midst of what should have been the most intensely stressful time in our lives. I acknowledge and accept that every moment of this time has been because God is glorious and amazing and faithful beyond anything we could possibly deserve. He loves us so much, and when we decided to hand over our dreams, expectations, jobs, finances, marriage, and health to Him- He faithfully delivered like He said He would.

So Mike was able to quit smoking, relatively easy. The easiest I have ever witnessed. He was able to develop better eating and exercise habits, and I want a piece of that too! So I told Mike that he had total control. He could tell me what to eat and not eat. He would control my work out routine and I would be faithful to follow through with all that he said. (Notice how God is teaching me to let go of the wheel and submit and most of all- trust..) 

The first week was awful. Seriously awful. But it was all because of me. I chose to complain and whine the entire time. I pushed myself like never before, all while whining and telling Mike that he was killing me. I made sure to tell him and everyone I could how much I hated it. This only hurt things with Mike and I. He took my complaints to mean that he was failing me. He was in total control of my diet and exercise, so it must be his fault. He didn't want me to do this with him anymore, because my bad attitude was ruining his experience and his time. 

So after a week of serious spiritual checking on God's part, tearing me up and putting me back together the right way (we will get into that another time, He is still doing a LOT of work on me), I was ready to get back into it with Mike. I repented to him for being absolutely awful and I committed to stop complaining. 

I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made. Not only are Mike and I having the best time doing this whole healthy lifestyle stuff together, but the atmosphere feels so much different! Guys... I am not kidding... I actually enjoy doing this stuff. And I look forward to the next day when we get to do more. For real... crazy, I know. 

Mike and I spend time with God each day, then we head to the garage and we lift together while discussing what God is showing us individually. The conversation always brings revelation, truth, healing, and laughter. God is using this time to not only bring us closer to Him, but to each other. Once we stopped fighting the process, and embraced it- everything started falling beautifully into place. 

The more God works on my spirit and fixing all the things that have been so wrong for so long, the more I work on my body. Both are painful processes that leave me sore, but both are making me healthier and better than I have ever been. Stronger than I have ever been. My spiritual eyes are being opened to truths I couldn't wrap my prideful heart around, while my flesh is realizing the joy and benefits of living healthier. 

I can't wait to show you guys what's coming. I don't know what it looks like, but I know it's going to be full of God, and stronger, more honest, and healthier than ever before. 

   

By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also... Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

-1 Corinthians 6:14, 19-20

   

You are not hidden

I recently wrote a piece about the awful things that have happened in Chippewa Falls lately. I wanted to give some perspective, but mostly I wanted to encourage others to not stay in their pain- but begin to heal. I received an overwhelming response to my post, and I am shocked and humbled by the amount of people who've read it. 

Something stood out, however, among all the shares and comments and messages. Someone commented about how they didn't trust the courts because they hadn't held her abuser responsible for his actions. He had done the most terrible things for years and seemed to walk away with no repercussions. I got the feeling that this person was still in so much pain. She had been not only abused and broken, but the system that should've helped didn't. I could feel the pain in her words and how invisible she feels even today.  

I began to reflect on how invisible I have felt in my life. How my heartbreak and abuse has seemed so hidden from everyone. How my tragedies were tossed aside and treated like they meant nothing.

I've written before about those men who did those unspeakable things to me years and years ago, which set the tone for all the broken relationships in my life. They walked away without so much as a slap on the wrist, leaving me screaming out for justice to a deaf and oblivious crowd. 

What about the reckless guy who neglected my baby girl, trading in her health and safety for another wasted night of drugs and booze- breaking so many laws, being caught red handed, then walking away with barely even a fine. Again I scream out for justice, and my cries are ignored and forgotten.

As a Christian woman I am encouraged to forgive and forget. But nobody really tells you how to do that. I spent years thinking I was a bad person because I couldn't. Years of not speaking of it, so maybe it will go away. This caused me to feel so alone. But I am not ashamed to talk about it anymore. I am not ashamed to tell God when I am angry and feeling betrayed. In fact, He is the perfect audience. He never gets offended at my emotional outbursts, and He always has a perfect answer of peace and grace at the end of it. 

The truth about the men who stole so much from me, is that they will never be arrested for what they did. They will never go through the court system and be tried for each hour they spent abusing me. Nobody will know and nobody will care. Where they are now, I have no idea. But I know that God knows. He knows their names, their faces, and he knows their hearts. While I felt silenced for so long, God has reassured me that He heard every single word. He fights for me. For my honor and my stolen innocence. He will make sure my voice is heard and justice is served. 

The Fool who, instead of being a father, decided to go partying and leave our 11 month baby girl in his run down apartment alone was arrested. He was tried. The system failed my daughter the day he was sentenced with a pitiful fine. That day The Fool walked away with basically no consequence from the law. But God has His own plans. He restored what was stolen from my baby girl. He swiftly brought a man into her life who would not only commit to loving me forever, but who would also commit to being her daddy forever. A couple years later the adoption was finalized, and any memories of The Fool were forgotten along with his name and legal ties. 

God didn't want to just restore what was stolen from her, He wanted to make it ten times better, and I am so grateful to say that my baby girl is the biggest Daddy's girl you will ever know. She is lavished with love and honor and safety on a daily basis. As for The Fool? He is still lonely, broken, addicted, and living as a shell of who he maybe could be one day if he ever decided to stop mocking God and actually surrender to Him. I am reminded that in this case, while the law failed me, God never did. The Fool is suffering from punishments far worse than a few months in jail would've given him. 

Jeremiah 29:12-3 reassures me that "... you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

He hears me. Even if the whole world doesn't. God hears me. Who else matters? Who else can offer such safety, peace, mercy, justice, and redemption? Only God can do what the District Attorney's office failed to do. Only God can ensure restoration in my life and healing in the depths of my soul. 

Want to know something crazy? The deeper I go with God, the more I love Him and trust Him. The more he transforms my mind and renews my heart. Which has led me to find a way to forgive these men. All of them. The free, legally unpunished men. I found forgiveness, and in doing so, I found freedom. I was chained to my pain. I was chained to my anger. It was burning within me every day, causing me to miss out on the beauty of what God was restoring. I walked around so scared and so mad for too long. I wanted my life back. 

You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30:11-12 

Once I realized I was the one holding these chains, I realized I was the one who could let them go. With the soothing and tender reassurance of Holy Spirit, I did just that. I let go and I let God deal with them. Trusting that He wouldn't let me down. He wouldn't let my tragedies be in vain. (By the way, once I chose to forgive them, the memories started disappearing. I can gladly say I don't remember all the violent details and I can't for the life of me remember their faces. God is merciful and wants to help you forget...)

You ready for something even crazier? God showed me that He loves these awful men. All of them. Even the ones who I thought deserved the worst. He loves them dearly. These are His sons, and He longs for them to turn from their awful ways and surrender to Him. So... I decided I better put my money where my mouth is, and tonight while writing this I prayed. I stopped and I prayed for them. I prayed for their redemption. I prayed for their restoration. I prayed that God would show them how wrong they have been and I prayed for them to seek His face. I know the transformative power of God and I know He can make even these terrible men into new creations. So I prayed for them- my enemies. When I had been choosing anger for so long, tonight- I chose love.     

Matthew 5:44 says, "But I tell you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.."

Pray for Chippewa Falls

I want to tell you a story. It's a sad story about a little girl born into the worst of circumstances. Mom is addicted to drugs and a life of pain has left her with little regard to her own life, let alone the life of her little girl. Dad is in and out of jail, repeating the cycle of drug use and violence that his own brokenness has bred throughout his life. There is no love, no compassion, no mercy for this poor little girl. 

Child Protective Services tries their best to help this poor child, but with the overwhelming amount of drug use in the community, and the lack of foster homes for these displaced children, there is little they can do. They try to help, losing sleep over the sheer amount of things they can't do. Following protocols and regulations leaves their hands tied behind their backs with literally thousands of children struggling to survive in the system. 

There's a woman who has a heart and love for children. She wants to help in any way she can, so she takes the steps and is licensed to take in foster kids. She also runs a daycare out of her home, trying to make ends meet for her family as well as help other families looking for reliable care for their little ones. 

One day, the little girl is removed from the unsafe, unreliable, inconsistent, and violent home shes always known and is brought into this kind woman's care. She finds safety, love, compassion, and security. But, it will never be home. This woman will never be mom. The little girl yearns for her mom and dad to come pick her up and love her like she always deserved to be loved. Yet, they never come. 

One day, this confused and emotionally delayed girl does something unspeakable. Frightened, afraid of the consequences of what she's done, she tries with all her power to silence the moment. Making the unspeakable act into something so far beyond horrific. Something that can never be undone. Something that not only ends the life of an innocent, but essentially ends her own as well. 

There are so many people across the country looking at Chippewa Falls right now. They are looking through the scope of whatever news outlet and they are forming their own judgement of everyone involved. These tragic, and unimaginable acts have cut to the heart of everyone in our community. So many lives lost far too soon. When these tragedies occur, everyone wants to point their finger and cast their judgement, quickly forgetting their own faults and shortcomings.

“Refuse to be a critic full of bias toward others, and judgment will not be passed on you. 2 For you’ll be judged by the same standard that you’ve used to judge others. The measurement you use on them will be used on you. 3 Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and yet fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? 4 How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? 5 You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First acknowledge your own ‘blind spots’ and deal with them, and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend. 

- Matthew 7:1-5

That was Jesus' words. Don't judge others- no matter what. No matter if they get high and run their truck off the road into a bunch of precious beautiful little girls. No matter if they take the life of a baby, whether by accident or not. 

Don't misunderstand me. I believe justice should and will be served in these cases. They are atrocious and so many lives are destroyed because of these senseless deaths. I cannot fathom being the mother of any of these children. I can't imagine being the women left behind to care for her 6 year old grandson, because both her granddaughter and her daughter were killed. I can't imagine looking into my child's face and having to tell them that their baby brother will never come home. I can't imagine the aching feeling in the arms of the mother who will never hold her child again. 

It's unimaginable at best. It's something none of us want to think of, and most of us do everything in our power to avoid. 

But what about the mom who gets the call that her prodigal son has just been arrested for killing 4 people and almost killing a 5th? What about the mom who has been praying for her son to get clean and sober and start living again instead of smothering out his pain and his dreams with these drugs that consume him? What about the young man who was just trying to mask his brokenness and feel a little better? A quick high costs everyone involved. His life is essentially over now too. 

I assure you, regardless of what the courts deem an appropriate punishment, this kid will punish himself. Whatever pain he already has, has been dramatically multiplied. He has to live with what he has done. He has to walk around each day knowing that he killed these precious children. 

How about the daycare mom who was trying to help? She stepped outside and left the sleeping baby alone with this broken little girl. She came back in to a scene that nobody could expect or prepare for. She will live with these images in the back of her mind forever. She will lose sleep and maybe have to shut down her business, losing her livelihood as well. The little girl? She will spend her childhood either behind bars or in an institution because of the broken home she was born into. She never had a chance.   

I respect the legal system in our country and I respect the judge and jury that will be tasked with upholding the law and serving justice in these cases. I believe God when He says that He is in control of our courts.

Every person must submit to and support the authorities over him. For there can be no authority in the universe except by God’s appointment, which means that every authority that exists has been instituted by God. 

-Romans 13:1

What our community has endured over the last couple of weeks is atrocious and should have never happened. These families have been destroyed for no reason. It's awful and I have spent time on my knees crying out to the Lord for these lives lost and their families left behind. I have spent time angrily telling God that I don't want to pray for this man and little girl who did these terrible things. But, through gritted teeth I had to find a way to forgive them so God can serve His justice. I trust that God knows best how to handle these tragedies and He will somehow find a way to make beauty out of them. 

Isaiah 61 talks in great length about how God loves justice and is swift about carrying it out. How He is the only one who can take broken devastation and make it glorious. He is the only one who can take ashes and form something beautiful from it. We, as a community, need to stand together in solidarity for the families left behind mourning their children. But spreading hatred and spewing condemnation isn't helping anyone. The last thing we need is more brokenness. Isn't that was caused all this in the first place? Let's stand united as a people who treasure encouragement, hope, peace, and love. Let's leave the judgment to God and the courts.

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister[d] or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? 

- James 4:11-12