Sarah Takes on DC (double chin)... again....

So, I have been doing a thing. A new thing. A thing I have done exactly 3 other times in my entire life. That's right, I have been working out. With weights, dumbbells, and foreign words like "squats", "curls", "shrugs", and my least favorite "skull-crushers". 

I'd like to say it's been 3 full weeks now, but the reality is that I took an entire week off for Thanksgiving (and a personal breakdown). So, it's been almost 2 full weeks of lifting and working out every. Single. Day. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I know myself. I expected to go all in... for a day or two... then taper off into every couple days, before ultimately quitting all together. But, guys... I haven't quit. And this time, I have no intention of quitting. 

There are many things that make this time different that the others, but mostly it's because I have my very own personal trainer to hold me accountable and encourage me and push me beyond what I think I am capable of. My trainer is super gorgeous and I drool over him while he lifts the big giant weights that I can't even pull in a wagon. (Don't worry guys, my trainer is my handsome husband. The big bearded guy you see me show off as much as I can? Yeah that guy.) 

So, here's how it all went down... (que memory sequence music...)

Mike was laid off November 2nd, and has been spending all his time doing the exact opposite of what 'old Mike' would've done. Instead of getting drunk and playing video games until 3 in the morning, while smoking a carton per day, and eating endless amounts of Kwik Trip cheeseburgers, Mike has chosen life. He has decided to embrace this new change in job status as a blessing and a way for God to allow him to rest and lean back into Him. With this new massive amount of time on his hands, Mike has chosen a whole new diet of healthy foods and drinks, a work out routine that took him from walking, back into running through the park again, lifting weights and gaining incredible results from his dedication and persistence, and the best part of all.... after years of smoking a pack per day, Mike has quit smoking. Seriously, guys. He just stopped. And he didn't even freak out a whole bunch and try to break anything.

I sit here in awe. Imagine me just staring with my mouth wide open like some kind of weirdo, because that's basically what I have been doing. I know the difference. I know the cause of all this beautiful change in the midst of what should have been the most intensely stressful time in our lives. I acknowledge and accept that every moment of this time has been because God is glorious and amazing and faithful beyond anything we could possibly deserve. He loves us so much, and when we decided to hand over our dreams, expectations, jobs, finances, marriage, and health to Him- He faithfully delivered like He said He would.

So Mike was able to quit smoking, relatively easy. The easiest I have ever witnessed. He was able to develop better eating and exercise habits, and I want a piece of that too! So I told Mike that he had total control. He could tell me what to eat and not eat. He would control my work out routine and I would be faithful to follow through with all that he said. (Notice how God is teaching me to let go of the wheel and submit and most of all- trust..) 

The first week was awful. Seriously awful. But it was all because of me. I chose to complain and whine the entire time. I pushed myself like never before, all while whining and telling Mike that he was killing me. I made sure to tell him and everyone I could how much I hated it. This only hurt things with Mike and I. He took my complaints to mean that he was failing me. He was in total control of my diet and exercise, so it must be his fault. He didn't want me to do this with him anymore, because my bad attitude was ruining his experience and his time. 

So after a week of serious spiritual checking on God's part, tearing me up and putting me back together the right way (we will get into that another time, He is still doing a LOT of work on me), I was ready to get back into it with Mike. I repented to him for being absolutely awful and I committed to stop complaining. 

I can't even begin to tell you the difference it has made. Not only are Mike and I having the best time doing this whole healthy lifestyle stuff together, but the atmosphere feels so much different! Guys... I am not kidding... I actually enjoy doing this stuff. And I look forward to the next day when we get to do more. For real... crazy, I know. 

Mike and I spend time with God each day, then we head to the garage and we lift together while discussing what God is showing us individually. The conversation always brings revelation, truth, healing, and laughter. God is using this time to not only bring us closer to Him, but to each other. Once we stopped fighting the process, and embraced it- everything started falling beautifully into place. 

The more God works on my spirit and fixing all the things that have been so wrong for so long, the more I work on my body. Both are painful processes that leave me sore, but both are making me healthier and better than I have ever been. Stronger than I have ever been. My spiritual eyes are being opened to truths I couldn't wrap my prideful heart around, while my flesh is realizing the joy and benefits of living healthier. 

I can't wait to show you guys what's coming. I don't know what it looks like, but I know it's going to be full of God, and stronger, more honest, and healthier than ever before. 

   

By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also... Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

-1 Corinthians 6:14, 19-20

   

You are not hidden

I recently wrote a piece about the awful things that have happened in Chippewa Falls lately. I wanted to give some perspective, but mostly I wanted to encourage others to not stay in their pain- but begin to heal. I received an overwhelming response to my post, and I am shocked and humbled by the amount of people who've read it. 

Something stood out, however, among all the shares and comments and messages. Someone commented about how they didn't trust the courts because they hadn't held her abuser responsible for his actions. He had done the most terrible things for years and seemed to walk away with no repercussions. I got the feeling that this person was still in so much pain. She had been not only abused and broken, but the system that should've helped didn't. I could feel the pain in her words and how invisible she feels even today.  

I began to reflect on how invisible I have felt in my life. How my heartbreak and abuse has seemed so hidden from everyone. How my tragedies were tossed aside and treated like they meant nothing.

I've written before about those men who did those unspeakable things to me years and years ago, which set the tone for all the broken relationships in my life. They walked away without so much as a slap on the wrist, leaving me screaming out for justice to a deaf and oblivious crowd. 

What about the reckless guy who neglected my baby girl, trading in her health and safety for another wasted night of drugs and booze- breaking so many laws, being caught red handed, then walking away with barely even a fine. Again I scream out for justice, and my cries are ignored and forgotten.

As a Christian woman I am encouraged to forgive and forget. But nobody really tells you how to do that. I spent years thinking I was a bad person because I couldn't. Years of not speaking of it, so maybe it will go away. This caused me to feel so alone. But I am not ashamed to talk about it anymore. I am not ashamed to tell God when I am angry and feeling betrayed. In fact, He is the perfect audience. He never gets offended at my emotional outbursts, and He always has a perfect answer of peace and grace at the end of it. 

The truth about the men who stole so much from me, is that they will never be arrested for what they did. They will never go through the court system and be tried for each hour they spent abusing me. Nobody will know and nobody will care. Where they are now, I have no idea. But I know that God knows. He knows their names, their faces, and he knows their hearts. While I felt silenced for so long, God has reassured me that He heard every single word. He fights for me. For my honor and my stolen innocence. He will make sure my voice is heard and justice is served. 

The Fool who, instead of being a father, decided to go partying and leave our 11 month baby girl in his run down apartment alone was arrested. He was tried. The system failed my daughter the day he was sentenced with a pitiful fine. That day The Fool walked away with basically no consequence from the law. But God has His own plans. He restored what was stolen from my baby girl. He swiftly brought a man into her life who would not only commit to loving me forever, but who would also commit to being her daddy forever. A couple years later the adoption was finalized, and any memories of The Fool were forgotten along with his name and legal ties. 

God didn't want to just restore what was stolen from her, He wanted to make it ten times better, and I am so grateful to say that my baby girl is the biggest Daddy's girl you will ever know. She is lavished with love and honor and safety on a daily basis. As for The Fool? He is still lonely, broken, addicted, and living as a shell of who he maybe could be one day if he ever decided to stop mocking God and actually surrender to Him. I am reminded that in this case, while the law failed me, God never did. The Fool is suffering from punishments far worse than a few months in jail would've given him. 

Jeremiah 29:12-3 reassures me that "... you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

He hears me. Even if the whole world doesn't. God hears me. Who else matters? Who else can offer such safety, peace, mercy, justice, and redemption? Only God can do what the District Attorney's office failed to do. Only God can ensure restoration in my life and healing in the depths of my soul. 

Want to know something crazy? The deeper I go with God, the more I love Him and trust Him. The more he transforms my mind and renews my heart. Which has led me to find a way to forgive these men. All of them. The free, legally unpunished men. I found forgiveness, and in doing so, I found freedom. I was chained to my pain. I was chained to my anger. It was burning within me every day, causing me to miss out on the beauty of what God was restoring. I walked around so scared and so mad for too long. I wanted my life back. 

You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30:11-12 

Once I realized I was the one holding these chains, I realized I was the one who could let them go. With the soothing and tender reassurance of Holy Spirit, I did just that. I let go and I let God deal with them. Trusting that He wouldn't let me down. He wouldn't let my tragedies be in vain. (By the way, once I chose to forgive them, the memories started disappearing. I can gladly say I don't remember all the violent details and I can't for the life of me remember their faces. God is merciful and wants to help you forget...)

You ready for something even crazier? God showed me that He loves these awful men. All of them. Even the ones who I thought deserved the worst. He loves them dearly. These are His sons, and He longs for them to turn from their awful ways and surrender to Him. So... I decided I better put my money where my mouth is, and tonight while writing this I prayed. I stopped and I prayed for them. I prayed for their redemption. I prayed for their restoration. I prayed that God would show them how wrong they have been and I prayed for them to seek His face. I know the transformative power of God and I know He can make even these terrible men into new creations. So I prayed for them- my enemies. When I had been choosing anger for so long, tonight- I chose love.     

Matthew 5:44 says, "But I tell you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.."

Pray for Chippewa Falls

I want to tell you a story. It's a sad story about a little girl born into the worst of circumstances. Mom is addicted to drugs and a life of pain has left her with little regard to her own life, let alone the life of her little girl. Dad is in and out of jail, repeating the cycle of drug use and violence that his own brokenness has bred throughout his life. There is no love, no compassion, no mercy for this poor little girl. 

Child Protective Services tries their best to help this poor child, but with the overwhelming amount of drug use in the community, and the lack of foster homes for these displaced children, there is little they can do. They try to help, losing sleep over the sheer amount of things they can't do. Following protocols and regulations leaves their hands tied behind their backs with literally thousands of children struggling to survive in the system. 

There's a woman who has a heart and love for children. She wants to help in any way she can, so she takes the steps and is licensed to take in foster kids. She also runs a daycare out of her home, trying to make ends meet for her family as well as help other families looking for reliable care for their little ones. 

One day, the little girl is removed from the unsafe, unreliable, inconsistent, and violent home shes always known and is brought into this kind woman's care. She finds safety, love, compassion, and security. But, it will never be home. This woman will never be mom. The little girl yearns for her mom and dad to come pick her up and love her like she always deserved to be loved. Yet, they never come. 

One day, this confused and emotionally delayed girl does something unspeakable. Frightened, afraid of the consequences of what she's done, she tries with all her power to silence the moment. Making the unspeakable act into something so far beyond horrific. Something that can never be undone. Something that not only ends the life of an innocent, but essentially ends her own as well. 

There are so many people across the country looking at Chippewa Falls right now. They are looking through the scope of whatever news outlet and they are forming their own judgement of everyone involved. These tragic, and unimaginable acts have cut to the heart of everyone in our community. So many lives lost far too soon. When these tragedies occur, everyone wants to point their finger and cast their judgement, quickly forgetting their own faults and shortcomings.

“Refuse to be a critic full of bias toward others, and judgment will not be passed on you. 2 For you’ll be judged by the same standard that you’ve used to judge others. The measurement you use on them will be used on you. 3 Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and yet fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? 4 How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? 5 You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First acknowledge your own ‘blind spots’ and deal with them, and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend. 

- Matthew 7:1-5

That was Jesus' words. Don't judge others- no matter what. No matter if they get high and run their truck off the road into a bunch of precious beautiful little girls. No matter if they take the life of a baby, whether by accident or not. 

Don't misunderstand me. I believe justice should and will be served in these cases. They are atrocious and so many lives are destroyed because of these senseless deaths. I cannot fathom being the mother of any of these children. I can't imagine being the women left behind to care for her 6 year old grandson, because both her granddaughter and her daughter were killed. I can't imagine looking into my child's face and having to tell them that their baby brother will never come home. I can't imagine the aching feeling in the arms of the mother who will never hold her child again. 

It's unimaginable at best. It's something none of us want to think of, and most of us do everything in our power to avoid. 

But what about the mom who gets the call that her prodigal son has just been arrested for killing 4 people and almost killing a 5th? What about the mom who has been praying for her son to get clean and sober and start living again instead of smothering out his pain and his dreams with these drugs that consume him? What about the young man who was just trying to mask his brokenness and feel a little better? A quick high costs everyone involved. His life is essentially over now too. 

I assure you, regardless of what the courts deem an appropriate punishment, this kid will punish himself. Whatever pain he already has, has been dramatically multiplied. He has to live with what he has done. He has to walk around each day knowing that he killed these precious children. 

How about the daycare mom who was trying to help? She stepped outside and left the sleeping baby alone with this broken little girl. She came back in to a scene that nobody could expect or prepare for. She will live with these images in the back of her mind forever. She will lose sleep and maybe have to shut down her business, losing her livelihood as well. The little girl? She will spend her childhood either behind bars or in an institution because of the broken home she was born into. She never had a chance.   

I respect the legal system in our country and I respect the judge and jury that will be tasked with upholding the law and serving justice in these cases. I believe God when He says that He is in control of our courts.

Every person must submit to and support the authorities over him. For there can be no authority in the universe except by God’s appointment, which means that every authority that exists has been instituted by God. 

-Romans 13:1

What our community has endured over the last couple of weeks is atrocious and should have never happened. These families have been destroyed for no reason. It's awful and I have spent time on my knees crying out to the Lord for these lives lost and their families left behind. I have spent time angrily telling God that I don't want to pray for this man and little girl who did these terrible things. But, through gritted teeth I had to find a way to forgive them so God can serve His justice. I trust that God knows best how to handle these tragedies and He will somehow find a way to make beauty out of them. 

Isaiah 61 talks in great length about how God loves justice and is swift about carrying it out. How He is the only one who can take broken devastation and make it glorious. He is the only one who can take ashes and form something beautiful from it. We, as a community, need to stand together in solidarity for the families left behind mourning their children. But spreading hatred and spewing condemnation isn't helping anyone. The last thing we need is more brokenness. Isn't that was caused all this in the first place? Let's stand united as a people who treasure encouragement, hope, peace, and love. Let's leave the judgment to God and the courts.

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister[d] or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? 

- James 4:11-12