Tuesday, November 8, 2016

A Stream in the Desert, Part 1

The last two weekends have been a stream in my desert. They have refreshed me during this dry season and I am at peace. Finally. (Because there's so much that wants to pour into this blog, I will have to split it into two parts.) 


See, I am doing a new thing!    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.
 The wild animals honor me,
    the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
     the people I formed for myself
    that they may proclaim my praise.
-Isaiah 43:19-21

Two weeks ago, I had a dream. Not just any dream. Not a running in a field of flowers dream. This was an eye-opening, soul-shaking, earth-shattering kind of dream. I won't go into the entire thing, but I will tell you that in this dream I was lost. I knew where I was and where I wanted to be, but it was all wrong. There were women and children suffering right in front of my face, but instead of me reaching out to help, I just watched. I was too concerned with my own objective. Eventually, there came the conclusion of this dream which left me questioning my soul's fate. I hadn't questioned this in a long time. I had an intimate relationship with Jesus and I knew where I would go after this body wears out.

After waking up from this dream, shaking not just physically, but deep within my soul, I knew changes needed to happen. Right now. I opened my devotional for the first time in a long time and I dove into the word much like my sloppy Great Dane does with her water dish on a hot day. (Gross, but a good depiction.) Afterward, I still wanted more, so I turned on YouTube and watched the latest message from my home church way down in Hinesville, Georgia.

The worship was so good, leaving me as a big ole ball of tears and snot. The message was perfectly designed for me. In this moment. On this day. Mine. I was listening to my dear friend, brother, and pastor preach into my soul like applying soothing medicine on a burning wound. I was seeing the backs of the heads of my beloved family. I was watching my very best friend and wishing I was sitting beside her. A crazy thought occurred to me to maybe just check airfare and see what happens. So I did.

Turns out tickets weren't too bad, and they were flying right into Savannah (which never happens). After talking to Mike (who was instantly sold on the idea), I booked our flights. Mike and I would fly to Georgia and be able to worship beside our family again. Yes, our kids were disappointed. Angry and upset, they didn't understand why they couldn't come with us. They miss our Georgia people just as badly as we do.

We flew out on Friday and we were both smiles and excitement all day. We were like kids heading to Disney World!

That weekend was perfect. It was full from the moment we got there. Everything felt normal, like we had never left. This was our life. It wasn't strange or awkward or uncomfortable. These people have been instrumental in our birth, our walk, and our continual growth as Christians. These people not only care for us, but they care deeply for our souls. They love us in that Jesus-agape-type love that allows them to put selfish ambition aside and desire our holiness over their happiness. It's a pure type of love that we have never experienced elsewhere.

Every day was filled with love, deep and meaningful conversation, joy, laughter, and food. Really good food. I felt joy again like I hadn't in a long time. The kind of joy that makes you want to run through an inflatable obstacle course (that never ends) in almost 90 degree weather, right after eating fried chicken. It is crazy joy and it was well worth the stomach ache afterward. Laughing from deep in my spirit, remembering what it was like to be silly and ridiculous and not care. It was so good.


Leaving that place was arduous to say the least. I could hardly speak, or I would lose my composure. It felt like there was this glorious joy-filled dancing of souls, all laughing and spinning around in this beautiful mess of a dance... and I was being pried from it, weary and heartbroken. Having to make my way back to the desert. My heart ached and my soul longed to turn around every step of the way back to Wisconsin. 

I was refreshed, but devastated at the same time. It was a confusing place to be and I didn't really know how to cope with it. So I just rested in God, trusting that He knew exactly what to do.

I believe the reason I feel like myself in Georgia, is because for the first time in my life, I had been living as God as always intended. I was living out my purpose and my calling. I was seeking the lost, and I was praying for them, worshipping with them, and loving them back into the arms of their Savior. I was doing something meaningful and using the gifts and abilities God has bestowed on me. 

Since moving away, I haven't found a place where I feel like I can step out in the middle of worship and pray over someone. I don't think it would be acceptable for me to drop to my knees and sob like a giant baby, or dance in the aisle, or speak a word over a perfect stranger. I don't know how those would be received here and I feel like I am in chains. Like I need to keep my mouth and my body still, so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. Maybe these are lies the enemy is telling me to keep me in this dark place, or maybe its reality. I just know that I feel stifled. I want to shout His love from the rooftops, but I feel silenced.

      


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Burning the Tree Down

A few weeks ago I was at a church meeting. A woman stood up to say some encouraging things and give a bit of her testimony. In that, she explained how she had been spending a lot of time in prayer forgiving people for making her feel rejected. God revealed to her that these situations were just leaves on a big ole tree. As soon as she got rid of a few leaves, there were several more sprouting out of the branches. She realized if she was to ever truly move out of this place of constant rejection, then she would need to get rid of the entire tree- from the roots.

This got me really thinking. I have struggled with being accepted and liked by people my whole life. I thought I had dealt with these issues, but if I had, then why did I still get nauseous when someone was mad at me? Why would my mind get stuck trying to figure out what I did wrong if someone didn't give me the attention I thought they should have. I had rejection issues. Approval issues. I needed to figure out where the root was so I could burn that whole dang tree to the ground.

I prayed on it and spent some time reminiscing with God. I had already forgiven my dad, so I don't think that is the cause. But then what could it be? I realized after awhile that I had some things from my childhood in regard to my mom that I hadn't addressed. I hadn't dealt with these things because I didn't think I needed to. I didn't think they necessarily required forgiveness toward her because mostly they were not directed at me or anything she had done to me. It was mostly things I had seen and heard. Things I had witnessed. Being my role-model, I had watched my mom and took subconscious note of what a woman looks like and how she speaks and acts.

Please do not misunderstand me. My mom was always a great mom and never would have ever done anything to intentionally harm any of us. She did the best she knew how and it is better than most moms. I have always viewed her as strong and independent. But my mom struggled with loving herself. She struggled with accepting herself for who she is. I don't think she ever saw herself as being good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or just enough. Period.

I had a raw and honest conversation with my mom after my revelations and it was so good. We discussed the things I remembered and I forgave her for things that she had unknowingly said and done. I know that had she realized back then how much her Daddy God loves her, things would have looked a whole lot different. I am thankful now that my mom is in the arms of her Father and daily moving deeper into her relationship with Him. 

After many tears and really good conversation, I didn't feel a sudden miraculous weight off my shoulders. I didn't hear angels singing and see the clouds parting to glorious bright white light around me. Nothing of notable change was made. Or so I thought.

Since that conversation with my mom, there have been many situations where the enemy has tried to use the people in my life to knock me down and make me feel worthless. Whether its in a Facebook post directly calling me out for something I wasn't even a part of, or in a private message accusing me of having evil motives for something they don't understand. There has been things said about me and to me that should have wrecked me emotionally.

It was only a week or so ago that I realized all these things had and were still happening... and I was fine. Perfectly ok. I wasn't losing sleep or walking around with a sick feeling in my stomach. I wasn't desperately trying to defend myself or my motives. I wasn't quick to explain who I was and what I was doing. I realized that I don't care what people think of me. I don't care what they think of my actions or my motives.

The only one that matters is my Father. My Daddy Dear. My Abba. My God. He is the only one who matters. He sees my heart and hears my thoughts. He knows who I am and why I do what I do. I don't owe anyone anything. I don't have to explain myself. If someone wants to know what is happening in my life and in my heart, because they genuinely love and care for me. Then I know they will ask. They wont assume and they definitely wont attack. If they do, then I know that it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with something within them that God needs to help them work out. I cant and wont be offended by the poor actions and words of others. How can I take other peoples hurts personally? 

I thank God for healing me of this rejection and acceptance junk that I have dealt with my whole life. Being rid of it has opened my eyes to seeing people for who they really are. My eyes are no longer shrouded by a veil of self-consciousness. I can see the love and care that was always there. I can see the genuine relationships that the enemy wanted to keep from me. I can finally experience freedom in my friendships because I don't need these people to validate me. God validates me. He assures me of my place with Him. And He smiles on me with the love of a Daddy for his most beloved baby girl. 

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day.
- Psalms 139:13-16 MSG