Just Us

My family decided they wanted to leave me. And they left. Ok, that is pretty overdramatic. The reality is that my family drove up to Minnesota for a couple of weeks to visit while Mike is in between jobs. I couldn't go, as I have only just started a new job position that I love and have no desire to jeopardize.

I know what you're thinking, because literally every person that I have told about this has said the same thing. Freedom! Peace and quiet! No kids, no messes, no crying, no whining, no nothing. While I do still have 2 dogs home with me to take care of, that takes all of 5 minutes total to let them in and out and feed and water them daily. It's basically nothing. So, yes. I am free for a couple of weeks.

My reaction to them leaving was not even close to what people had expected. I was cranky and sad and scared. I didn't want to be all alone. I never understood what the big deal of solitary confinement was in prison, until this happened. I was in my own solitary. It's not fun going from a life filled with noise and laughter and kids flipping around and showing you their latest tricks and snuggling and kissing you to nothing. Just nothing. It's weird and hard to embrace.

I was secretly mad at my husband for going. I did not tell him this. In fact, he asked me about a dozen times if this was ok. If I was ok with all this. And I said, of course! I want him to go and visit with family and enjoy a vacation before he dives into another career. I want him to go fishing and camping and do all the fun stuff that he missed the last few summers because he was deployed or out on training. But secretly I wanted him here waiting for me when I got home from my amazing job with a handsome smile on his face and dinner cooking and the kids all showered and dressed neatly... Ok.. I can't even keep a straight face while typing this. But a fantasy is a fantasy right?

He left last Thursday and my heart ached the entire day. He brought the kids to say goodbye to me at work before they headed out. I thought about trying to convince my 5 year old that she would be too sad without me and she should just stay home with me. Actually, I asked her a couple of times if she was sure she wanted to go. But, I decided manipulating my own daughter is a horribly selfish and desperate move that even in my darkest moments, I don't want to be guilty of. So I kissed them all goodbye and I dealt with the brick sitting on my heart the rest of the day.

I went home that night, I walked in the house, I closed the door behind me, and I stood there. There was nothing. Silence. This rarely happens in my house. It was weird. But I kicked off my shoes and decided to relax. Alone. I dreaded it. But, it was actually pretty nice. I could watch my own shows. I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to share. Maybe this whole thing wouldn't be so bad? I was nervous all day about going to sleep. In the past, when Mike has been gone, I have tossed and turned and slept with the bathroom light on because I was convinced something or someone was going to get in the house and try to rape, kill, or kidnap all of us. Too many horror movies? Maybe.

That first night I slept better than I have slept in a long time. No tossing or turning whatsoever. The following night? Yep. Even better! I have decided that single, non-parent people probably get the best sleep. It makes sense because in my mommy subconscious, I am always listening for my babies. Even in my sleep. A part of my brain stays alert to hear for a baby crying or a little girl terrified from a bad dream. I don't have to worry about all that right now, so I am sleeping like I haven't slept maybe ever. It's incredible.

I have been really enjoying myself since my family left. The house has stayed relatively clean the entire time. I only had to do one load of laundry and take the trash out once in a whole weeks time! This is amazing new territory for me. 

I went to church on Sunday and worshipped like my soul depended on it. No little girl holding onto my arm and telling me she needed a drink or to go potty. I didn't worry about where my kids were or if they were doing what they were supposed to. My one and only focus was Jesus. I was able to just be with Him. I fell on my face that day, sobbing. Not because I was sad, but because I was so grateful for who He is. For what He's done in my life, and for this time that He gave to me to just be with Him. Just us. It's rare and it shouldn't be. The song playing was The One That Really Matters. It's so true! My mind is so occupied with worrying about my husband and children and friends and church, that I fail to focus on the One who matters.

The next day I read an article a woman wrote about how she realized how codependent she had become on her best friend. She came to realize that she needed to be self reliant. She needed to be able to truly enjoy good things even if she couldn't' share them with her friend. She needed to be able to get through bad things without her friend helping her through. She needed "self reliance". But while I read this, I thought no.. she needs God-reliance. I do too. I depend on my husband and kids to make me feel necessary. To make me feel needed. To make me feel happy when I become sad. I feel like I can't truly enjoy things without them. I don't want to go places or do things by myself, because I feel like it will be better with them. 

This might be true, but the reality is, that I should be ok with being alone too. I should be ok going to the grocery store or movie theater without someone else. I shouldn't avoid these things until my family comes home. That's crazy. I should be able to enjoy life's simple pleasures with and without my family. Because ultimately, my family won't always be here. God will. If I become God-reliant, then I won't fear being alone. If I become God-reliant, then I won't dread the silence. I will find peace instead of solitude. 

So, I am going to treat myself to a movie. Alone. And that's ok. Cause the movie is good with or without buying someone candy and taking them to the bathroom three times. And I am going to go to Wal-Mart alone, and buy what I need and that's ok too. My life doesn't have to be boring without my people in it. I can use this time to just be with my Father and enjoy His presence whether I am face down in a puddle of my own tears in worship, or walking through Wal-Mart. I am going to enjoy this time with just us.    

Mid-Leap

Mike and came to a crossroads a few months ago. We had to go to the right or to the left. We were unsure which path was the right one. Both had advantages and perks, and both held sacrifice and possible struggle. It was one of the toughest decisions of our entire marriage. We sat there at the crossroad beside each other, hoping the other would have a revelation about which path to choose. Do we re-enlist in the Army and move away after Mike serves a year in Korea? Or do we get out of the Army, both of us finding civilian jobs and giving up our financial security? Ultimately, after much time and prayer, we chose to get out of the Army.

We leapt. Not a step or stride or tiptoe or skip. We leapt. We jumped in head first without even toeing the water. We had so much faith and excitement. We knew God was already clearing our path and making it straight. We knew our jobs were determined before we even applied. We knew our finances would be handled and we would never go without. We had faith.

Then a month went by. My husband was on the computer daily submitting applications and sending out his resume. He was being proactive and I was so proud of him. He had a few months left in the Army, yet he was planning ahead and doing whatever he could to ensure we would be ok. I started applying places too. I sent out at least 10 resumes a day. Neither of heard back from any jobs. Nothing. Nada. Nichts.

My faith was dwindling and my ego was bruised. I had a decent enough resume. I had experience in almost everything. Why didn't anyone at least want to meet me? What was wrong with me? So one Sunday I went to the cross and I hit my knees once again. I promised God that I was leaving my job there with Him. At the foot of the cross. I wasn't going to worry about it anymore. I didn't want the burden of carrying it around, and He promised me His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He could handle it. When the doubts would creep in, I would remind myself that it isn't any of my business. I handed it to Jesus and I needed to trust Him.

The calls began to pour in. I had multiple interviews and second interviews. I was offered really good jobs and I was humbled being able to choose which one I wanted. I ultimately took a position working in a law office. I had dreamt of working in law since I was young. This was a dream that had sat in the furthest corner of my heart for 14 years, and God handed it to me just like that.

While I was going to interviews and being offered these incredible jobs, my hardworking and faithful husband wasn't even getting one call back. He was beginning to sulk. I could see his ego and his faith diminishing. He was cranky and kind of mean. He was starting to become real insecure and say bad things about himself. He was doubting himself as a husband, father, provider, and protector. He had himself convinced that he made the wrong decision and in doing so, had failed his family miserably. He was terrified.

I admit that while at times I was overcome with empathy and compassion, I was more often irritated by his demeanor and attitude. Blind faith is something I have embraced more than struggled with in my life. Mike on the other hand, has to remind himself to hold tight. I look at the bright side of things and try to find solutions to the storms that creep in, while Mike often gets overwhelmed by the intensity of the storm, and has a hard time seeing a way out of it. He thinks worst case scenario, while I shoot for the best. 

I was irritated with my husband and wanted to shake him out of this funk and slap some faith into him. But, I chose love. I grabbed his hand the next Sunday and I led my big strong man to the cross. I asked him to kneel with me so I could pray with him. I began praying my heart out. I sobbed desperate pleas to my Abba, that He would overwhelm my husband with strength and faith and encouragement. I prayed for his job, I prayed for our marriage, and I prayed for him to leave these burdens here and not pick them up again. It was a very intense and intimate moment for us. Shortly after, our dear friend and Pastor walked over with a word for us. Psalms 20:1-5.

 In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
 May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
    and strengthen you from Jerusalem.

 May he remember all your gifts
    and look favorably on your burnt offerings.

 May he grant your heart’s desires
    and make all your plans succeed.
 May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
    and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.

 

This was our confirmation. God loves us. He looks favorably upon us, despite our shortcomings. He sees the good things and He will make our plans succeed.

 

This word encouraged us both and I saw a very big difference in my husband's demeanor. He was upbeat and silly again. His burdens had been lifted and his faith had been restored.

 

For now.

 

The very next day he got a call from a reputable company who really liked his resume. They began the process of background checks and telephone interviews. The first week sailed so smoothly. Then he didn't hear anything from them again for days. He was confused and didn't know if they decided they didn't want him, or if their process was just really slow. The fire of faith that had been blazing in him, was beginning to taper. Slowly it was like a dark cloud was creeping over him and his shoulders slumped more each day.

 

Then another week or so later, he received a call from the company. They had gotten his paperwork from whatever agency they needed it from, and they still really liked him! They were going to go to the next step. Mike was unclear as to what that step was. But he knew the movement was good. So he waited to hear back from them. Again.

 

During this time, my husband's last day in the Army came and went. It was a day of mixed emotions. He had received such love and confirmation from his guys about what a great leader and man he is. It was hard for him to leave them, but he walked out of there with hope, even if it wasn't a lot of it.

 

With the Army behind him, he had nothing to do with his days except wait for this company. He continued to apply for more positions and sent his resume out. Not hearing from any other companies and not hearing from this particular one caused the fear, doubt, insecurities to come flooding in and drowning out his faith. He became dreary and dark and sad all the time. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. Just as he was beginning to accept defeat, the company called. They had crossed all their T's and dotted all their I's and wanted a face to face interview with him.

 

This was only days ago, so we are in the waiting again. Waiting for the interview to come next week. Waiting to see what they say afterword. Waiting to know what our future holds. But this roller coaster of a process has taught me so much. God has revealed himself more to me in this time than maybe ever in my life.

 

I envision a leap of faith as Mike and I running toward a break in cliff. We have to jump to the other side. There is a great, big, dark, scary chasm between the two cliffs. We have no idea how we will make it to the other side, we just fuel up on faith and trust that God will make it happen. 

 

We did it. We leapt. We are currently in the leap. In the time that we have to fully depend on and trust God to get us to the other side. Because the other option is falling into that dark, scary chasm in between. There is a lot of waiting in the leap. There is a lot of patience building. And, because Mike and I are in this together, we must hold tight to each other's hand. If one of us starts looking down, the other must choose to help lift their eyes to the One carrying us. I have struggled with this lately, and God has checked me several times. 

 

While my husband learns faith and patience through all this, I am learning self control, compassion, patience, endurance, and grace. I may have the faith to get through, but there is so much more necessary. Instead of getting irritated and frustrated and angry with my husband, I need to exhibit these attributes. I need to help lift him up. It's not about me right now. It's about him. It's about showing him that I can love him in his darkest times. That I can be here for him in his most miserable moments. That I won't reject him and turn away from him no matter what he says or does. I am grateful for the learning. I am grateful to become better through all of this. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait for this whole thing to be behind us. But, I trust that once we get there, we will both look a lot shinier and a little less like the old us. And I praise God for that. 

 

 

If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Philippians 2:1-4