“I am beside you. I am always with you, whether or not you
feel me. Trust that I am here. Don’t fret or fear. Because I am here to guide
you and love you and care for you. Don’t try to make your own way.” -God
I had surrendered my entire being at a weekend retreat for
women. I had stepped out of my comfort zone and danced for these women out of
obedience to God. I did it because I love Him. I didn’t want to do it- but I
didn’t want to say no to Him out of love and admiration and trust. I had danced
all night. It was a powerful night filled with revelation and liberation from
sin and shame. Holy Spirit had swept in the place and encountered literally
every person.
My team and I went back into a storeroom. I was exhausted.
Emotionally and physically. I had nothing left in me. I sat in a wheelchair
that was being stored there. I had collapsed and had no intention of getting up
except to go to bed. Suddenly my arms felt so heavy and I felt like my fingers
were dripping. It was a weird feeling and I started to laugh at how crazy it
all sounded. The other ladies with me began laughing at me too. Soon we were
all laying on the floor laughing so hard we were crying and dribbling snot
everywhere. I tried a few times to stop. I closed my eyes and calmed enough to
open them, but once I locked eyes with another girl we would both break out
laughing hysterically again!
After awhile, I heard a sound come out of my
mouth. It followed my laughter and sounded like a beautiful horn being blown.
It didn’t scare me. It actually intrigued me. It was beautiful. So, I kept
laughing and the horn kept following. Soon the beautiful horn noise was followed
by a horrific growl. It must have scared someone else in the room, because a
couple of the Pastors came in soon after.
Now I was on my hands and knees on
the ground. I couldn’t stop it at this point, but I honestly didn’t try to very
hard. I would take a breath and the horn would sound from me, followed by a
deep and terrifying sounding growl. Soon the growl was more and more and louder
and louder. I was surrounded by pastors praying for me. I started gagging and heaving
and the growl kept coming out of me. It was as if it was being pulled from the
depths of me. From a place where it had dwelt for so long. It had its claws
deeply rooted in me and wasn’t coming out without a fight.
The pastors switched
out and there were 2 different pastors praying over me and commanding this
thing to leave me. They were encouraging me and comforting me. Guiding me to continue
heaving this thing until it was all out of me. They brought a towel under my
face and told me to spit it out. Whatever it was. I started spitting into the
towel and saw my spit was mixed with blood. Soon after that, it was over. I
collapsed and couldn’t move for the longest time. Those 2 pastors never left me.
They sat and held me and explained to me what had just happened. They told me
that God would reveal to me what it was that was just pulled from me. Then they
helped walk me to bed where I immediately fell deeply into sleep.
I believe I was delivered that day because God decided it
was time. I believe everything was set up exactly how HE wanted it. I didn’t go
looking for this, nor did I expect it. I was only seeking HIM. He brought me to
a place where I was so exhausted that I didn’t have the strength or sensibility
to stop what would need to happen. Then He filled me with joy and laughter! He
showed me a joy that I had never known before. Then, when I was fully trusting
and in awe of what He was doing, it started.
That beautiful horn sound, I
believe was the Holy Spirit. I believe that He had gone into the hidden secret
places deep within my soul and found that ugly dark thing that had resided in
me for too long. He grabbed hold of that thing and He pulled him out of me. I
imagine the horn sound as a bright white light pulling the thick black growl
from within me. The pastors who were originally in the room had enough wisdom
to know that they weren’t the ones to pray for me. I don’t know if they didn’t
have a lot of experience, or what, but I know the 2 that stepped in to finish
the job were perfect for it. I believe God made sure they were there with me. He
gave them the experience, the wisdom, the knowledge, and the patience to stick
out what would be a 4-hour ordeal. I believe God made sure they were there to
explain it to me after and to hold me and walk me to bed. He took great care
with every detail, making sure everything was lined up perfectly.
I went home that weekend having no idea what it was that
came from me. All I knew was that I felt more free and more whole than I had
ever felt in my life. I didn’t even ask what it was and I didn’t care. I was just
so happy to be in His arms and to be so well loved and cared for. After a
couple of weeks, I noticed that the “thorn in my side” was no longer there. I
realized that the issue I struggled with most of my life was nowhere to be
found. I didn’t ask God to take it away. I didn’t seek out any deliverance
ministries. I just pressed into Him. I just wanted to be with Him. To seek His
face and rest in His love.
What I am saying, is that God is way smarter than us. He
knows us inside and out. He knows what we need and when we need it. He knows
what struggle is heading our way and he knows what we will need to get through
it. We don’t have to know everything. We don’t have to know why or how or when.
The only thing we need to know is HIM. The more we press into a close intimate
relationship with God, the more we will trust this about Him. Closer and closer
to Him, our worries will diminish and our faith with grow. We don’t have to do
anything but love Him. I am so thankful that He delivered me that night. I will
never be able to thank Him enough for what He’s done or how He has healed me. I
know there is more healing to come, more laughter, more tears, more breaking,
and more mending. Whatever the journey looks like, I trust in HIM and His
perfect plan for me.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9 NLT
