At the suggestion of a friend, I watched a movie called American Gospel. I was on my way to spend 4 days alone with God. Something I have done at His prompting as a way to get fully engaged and connected with Him. My own “Moses on the mountain” kind of thing. I saw this Facebook post from Pastor Bob urging us NOT to watch this movie, but then almost immediately afterward, saw another post from my friend urging me TO watch the movie. Pride rose up within me and I thought, “I’ll watch what I want and make MY OWN decisions. I don’t need anyone telling me what I shouldn’t watch. I am NOT a sheep. I have my OWN mind!” I watched the movie trailer and was intrigued!
So, I went to my camper and before I even unpacked my things, I watched the movie. At first, I was energized. I felt like I had so much revelation and that I could see truth like I never had before. I began to repent for being selfish and self-centered (which I really had been). I quickly encouraged my husband, daughter, sister, mom, and friends to watch it too. I was overwhelmed with all the information that had just been thrown at me.
Then I began to think more. I began to question everything I thought I knew. I questioned my pastors and their hearts. I questioned the churches I had been a part of and experienced God at. I questioned the encounters I had with God, my dreams, visions, prophesies, promises, and the worst- I questioned my own salvation.
I began to message this friend who recommended the movie. I asked questions and she tried to answer me the best she could. I was very honest and told her that I was on a truth journey with God. He was very clear that He was leading me to ALL truth and that the truth WOULD bring division. That people would reject it and in turn reject HIM. I needed to know, so I asked. “Do you still feel that we are to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons?” She responded that she does NOT believe that is for us, but that it stopped with the original apostles. That it made sense to her because “we don’t see those things happening today”. This rocked me.
If this was true- than everything I thought to be real and true about God was a lie. Everything I thought to be changing and growing and happening in my life was wrong. All the promises I thought I heard God speak directly to me were just my own thoughts. My whole world was flipped upside down and I was almost immediately flooded with fear and anxiety. I haven’t struggled with these things for so long because I know to take authority over them. But could I? Did I have authority to do so? Was I fooling myself to think I had any say in casting anything away or changing the atmosphere? Do my words do anything at all? All those times I felt the presence of God, was it just me? My emotions? Is God even here with me? Am I even saved at all? Who do I ask? Where do I turn? My pastors can’t be trusted. Everyone is in on this big charade. And WHY?!
I was so overcome with fear that I was almost crippled. I had to call my husband to come to the camper, on my first night alone with God, because I was SO shaken. I couldn’t sleep. I had zero peace. Even after Mike arrived and was laying next to me, I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I was a hot mess. Mike tried to reassure me and reminded me of Pastor Bob’s post warning us to NOT watch this movie. My pride rose up again and I decided it was probably because he must have been trying to keep me from learning the truth about my inevitable doom.
Out of my precious and sacred 4 days with God, I spent at least 2, maybe 2 ½ days wrestling with doubt, fear, and anxiety. All because my pride told me to open a door that my Pastor wisely advised me not to. Throughout my conversations, I was told that our Pastors can’t be trusted, that Bobby Conner is a fake, in fact all modern-day prophets are. That we do not have the authority or ability to heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons, or experience Holy Spirit on a supernatural level. When I refused to watch the YouTube videos being sent to me, and when I was questioning and reminding about the moves of God that I personally had experienced and seen with my own eyes- the conversation ended. I was shut down and “unfriended” because I was not willing to blindly accept what was being said. Nor was I willing to base my faith in God or the Word on videos of strangers on YouTube. When I brought forth personal experiences and scripture I was snapped at angrily before ultimately being “blocked” on Facebook. There was no grace, no love, no conversation.
During this “wrestling” with God and with my faith and flesh, God was faithful. He never missed a beat and He never left the room. He reminded me of all the dreams and visions He had shown me. He reminded me of the supernatural things I personally experienced in my life. Of the incredible experience of deliverance that I went through. Of the several healings that I have been a part of. Of the supernatural healing that I have received. Of all the tender moments of mercy and grace where he showed up and showed out regardless of my level of faith. He took me to Jude and reminded me of the dangers of false teachings and false prophets. He took me back to the previous week’s messages in church where the worship was focused on HIM alone and the messages were leading us to seek HIM and lean on HIM. He reminded me that Pastor Char consistently leads us to the WORD and to learning our identity IN HIM and outside of our flesh. He reminded me of Jake always preaching about a closeness and intimacy with the Father. He reminded me of the countless stories that Pastor Bob has of miracles and supernatural events that others who have been with him can corroborate.
My faithful, loving, and patient Abba reminded me that while my pride says “I’m not a sheep! I have my own mind!”- the truth and the Bible says that I AM a sheep. And that Jesus is my faithful shepherd. I know from studying that sheep are really dumb and make foolish mistakes a lot of the time, which is exactly why they need that faithful shepherd to look over them. He reminded me that I do NOT have my own mind, but that I surrendered my opinions and thoughts and mind over to God and asked Him to transform and renew it to be like His. 1 Corinthians 2:6-16explains to us that with our human mindset we could never understand God or what He is doing because God is Spirit. We need Holy Spirit to transform our minds to have the mind of Christ. Only in this way can we understand what God is saying and doing. Jesus himself was our perfect example. He only did what His Father did (John 5:19) and said what His Father said (John 12:49). So, the countless times that I have beenencouraged me to “form my own opinion” was really not encouraged out of Godly wisdom. God does NOT want me to form my own opinions. He knows my selfish and one-sided opinions. I spent a lifetime doing that and I still struggle with it. My opinions have led me to bitterness, hatred, judgement, criticism, condemnation, and isolation. It wasn’t until I gave my opinion over to God and asked for my mind to be transformed like His, that I began to see people differently. Situations differently. Outcomes differently. Everything looks so different from this side of grace.
I recently heard the testimony of an incredible man named Majed El Shafie. He has an amazing testimony and has first hand continually experienced the supernatural hand of God. One thing that stood out to me was when he was explaining how growing up in Egypt, he saw Christians persecuted for their faith. He was curious why it was so illegal because he understood that people don’t persecute you until you have a truth that they want to keep hidden. I feel like God is so powerful and mighty and He doesn’t need to be defended or debated. He will speak for himself. If someone feels like they need to continually come at me for professing the truth that God has breathed into His word and into me directly, then I know God will deal with them directly and I count it all joy to be persecuted for His truth.
This movie wanted to impress to me that ultimately the foundation of theirbelief is that the ONLY thing that matters is the gospel of Jesus. The life, death, and resurrection. Nothing beyond that. I am not here to say that any of that is not important, because of course it is EVERYTHING! His sacrifice is the very reason I live and breathe today. What I am saying is that the work of God did NOT stop there and the fact that this movie and those who stand behind it feel that is has is the saddest thing I could possibly hear. Hebrews 6:1-20 tells it all. We need to mature. We need to move beyond the basic message of Christ and advance into perfection. In fact, there is peril in NOT progressing.
The last day and a half of my time with God was spent in full surrender to Him. This was where He was finally able to show me who He designed me to be and what purpose He has for me. He said, “Come to the altar. Lay it all down. Your concerns, questions, fears, whatever. Lay it down and let ME sort it out for you. Let me burn away what isn't good and true. Let me judge what is real. I want to show you new things but you keep going in circles around the old. Do not be led astray, my child. Don't be led into foggy, unclear areas- lest you tumble off a cliff. Stay close to your Shepherd. To the ONLY voice who matters. Stay close to my guiding. To my leading. We will do big things together.” The funniest thing of all this? God calls me His prophet. He speaks clearly and purposefully to me every day. He has shown me things I couldn’t make up and revealed things I can’t hide from. To say that prophets don’t exist today and that Holy Spirit doesn’t move and encounter us is to say that my very life is a waste. In fact, I was told that any prophetic word beyond what is in scripture is a waste. That it can’t possibly add to what is already written. That for God to continue moving and speaking would all be wasted breath on His part. But I tell you- Isaiah 55:10-11 tells us that nothing He does or says returns void. I have seen His words spoken to me come to pass. I have seen the dreams and visions shown to me come to fruition.
This movie tried to steal my identity. It tried to steal my salvation. It tried to twist and turn the Word of my God to suit the maker’s purposes. It bashes many pastors, preachers, and churches. (Psalm 105:15) Once upon a time I had to wipe my legalistic religious mindset clean and relearn who God is- and this movie almost stole all of that maturity and growth from me. It tried to steal even my daughter’s future plans and promises. It is a trap and it is a clever and crafty one. Remember that everything with scripture involved does NOT equal truth. The devil knows scripture better than most of us and he will use it against us with every chance he gets. Our pastors are here to shepherd and guide us. They have been called to lead us and warn us and keep us from “tumbling off a cliff”. They have proven themselves faithful and true. While they are not ever going to be perfect, they strive for purity and yearn for the presence of God. We need to trust the God in them. Trust that Yahweh speaks to them directly. Every word they preach can be lined up with scripture, and if I have a question, I am confident I will have a grace and love filled conversation that will not end in cutting me out of their lives completely.
Ephesians 4:11-16 NLT
Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ. Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.
