There is a common theme that God has been speaking into me over the years. "There is no fear in love." I speak this to my friends and family, I give this advice to most anyone in most any situation. Isn't that how it is? It's so easy to give advice, but much harder to take it on yourself.
I have always thought that I have an extraordinary level of faith. I have considered it a gift of mine. Faith. Even in the worst of circumstances. Yet, lately, I have this chaotic feeling almost constantly. I feel as if I am tripping down a steep hill and all I can do is continue moving forward and desperately try to keep my footing. Have you ever summoned enough courage to go on a big scary roller coaster, only to immediately regret the decision the moment you're strapped in and "click-click-click-clicking" up the first steep hill? There's nothing you can do now. You're strapped in and the ride has started. You're committed. There is no turning back. So you sit there and ride it out.
That's how I feel.
In retrospect, I have felt this so many times in my life, but told myself I was walking in faith. Maybe, though... maybe I have been walking in fear.
Constant fear. In every area of my life.
My marriage. I constantly worry about my husband's health, safety, and spiritual well being. I look around at the failing marriages in this world and I worry about whether or not we can make it. I look at myself and my grocery list of flaws and failures and I wonder how long until Mike can't take my crap anymore. I push church on him. I push new friends on him. I push activities on him. I push him to do or say things that he wouldn't otherwise. I push and I push and I push. I am acting out of fear. My motives are fear based. If he doesn't figure out his relationship with God, he could wind up in hell. If he doesn't figure out his health, he could die. If he doesn't grow closer with the girls they will suffer from further "daddy issues". Everything is out of fear of what could happen.
My children. I worry about their grades, because if they don't succeed academically- they could fail in life. I worry about their friendships, because if they hang with the wrong crowd, they could get into drugs, alcohol, and sex. They could wind up pregnant, in treatment, and lost. I worry about my relationship with them. I worry that if I don't have a close and open communication with them, then I won't notice when they start to walk down the wrong path. I won't be able to stop them and save them. (I said it- as if I could save them at all. Isn't it Jesus who saves us?) I worry they will be too far gone to turn back around. I worry about their relationship with God. I worry that they will fall into disbelief and walk away from Jesus, damning them eternally.
My career. What am I doing? How can I step into this territory that I know nothing about and think that I can succeed? What if this is a mistake? What if I have invested so much into something that I was never meant to do? I worry that I have bitten off more than I can chew and that I will wind up a big, giant, messy failure.
Fostering. I felt like I have heard from God on this, but I am completely terrified. This is a lot to take on. Even just a couple of extra kids. Even though they are easier than I could've hoped for. I worry that this is too stressful on my children and my husband. I worry that I have asked my family to make sacrifices (to which they have been so generous and wonderful about) for something that maybe I misheard God on.
The definition of worry is to give way to anxiety or unease; to allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.
Is that what God has called me to do? Is that the kind of servant he desires me to be? The kind of wife, mother, foster mom I want to be?
If I am worrying, then where is my faith? If I worry, then what I really have is fear. Doubt. Here is what God says about this:
Phil 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
James 1:6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
I need to check my heart and mind. I need to stop doubting the Creator and all that He can do. I need to throw off this fear, so I can run this race and stop tripping and becoming entangled by my thoughts.
While the world sees my actions, the Father sees my heart. He knows my motives. I can want my family to succeed. I can want them to have a relationship with Jesus. I can want the very best for them. But, not because I fear the worst. My motive needs to be because I want them to experience the joy and peace that comes from living a full life in Jesus Christ.
I heard on a sermon jam this morning that if I stop focusing on all the things I need and want, and turn all this effort and work into worship and praise and prayer, then God will take care of everything. My worry will turn to faith. My anxiety will melt into perfect peace. I don't know where I decided to try to do this all myself. I don't know the moment that I stopped looking to Him and starting holding all this baggage. But I know it's hurting me greatly. It's wearing me out faster than I can explain with this keyboard. It's also hurting my family. I see my children beginning to suffer with anxiety and depression. I see my husband sinking deeper into a pit of darkness. I am allowing the enemy to grab not just a foothold, but everything. I am allowing him to sink his nasty teeth into everything I hold dear in this world.
Well folks. Today I take a stand. Today I take my family back. I take my life back. I take my faith back. This worry doesn't look good on me. I am ready to run free from this hindrance and I am praying you make the choice too. I know it won't be easy, what battle ever is? But the war is raging and God needs us to rise up as His army and take back what the enemy has stolen.
Listen to this simple song. Close your eyes and let each word sink into your spirit. Claim it as your war cry. Let's move forward in this new year with a new mindset. We are NOT doing this alone.
2 Kings 6: 17 And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see." The the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.
