259 days ago my beloved deployed to Afghanistan. I was devastated. I was angry at God and didn't really know how to handle that. I knew that I don't deserve any of this life, yet I was so mad that He dare take my husband from me. Even if for only 9 months. I begged and pleaded for Mike to stay, I read the Word and all of His promises and I KNEW in my soul that God would make a way to give me all the desires of my heart.... and yet- he left on March 3rd anyway. Ok, so let's back up a bit... Throughout the 2 1/2 years that Mike and I have been married, I have prayed continually for God to give him the tools and abilities to stand up and be the leader of our family and our home. Spiritually, financially, physically, in every way possible. I wanted Mike to embrace his God-given role, so I could embrace mine. I knew Mike wanted the same things and prayed for the same things. The problem was, that neither of us knew what that looked like or where to even begin. We were both trying to help each other and guide each other, but kept butting heads more than anything. We were trying things OUR way... not even considering what God might have in mind.....
So March 3rd. 6:30pm. I kissed my love goodbye and my heart hurt so bad, it was as if someone reached in and was trying to rip it apart. I was so scared. 5 kids all by myself. 1 of them just 6 months old. I wasn't strong enough for this. No way. But, I drove home and went on with life- as it doesn't stop. Not even for a deployment. Quickly I began growing in my faith walk. I began praying more and seeking God more. I was growing spiritually through the relationships I was developing with some of the most incredible women I will ever know. I had the support I needed emotionally and spiritually. And, turns out- they all seemed to fall in love with my children and didn't mind helping me in that department too. Blessed beyond measure... seriously... Almost as soon as Mike left, we started praying together every night on the phone. My days always ended with my husband leading us in a very personal, honest, and intimate, prayer time with God. Mike was reading scripture and praying with other soldiers. He was reading other books and trying to grow as much as he could. About halfway through the deployment, we had some issues arise that had to handled right away and in a way neither of us wanted. Mike and I had grown to become each other's idols. He HAD to talk to me for hours every day or he wasn't ok. My mood set his whole day which caused me to mask a lot. Our love and conversations turned into an addiction that was sucking the life out of me. I began dreading hearing the phone ring, and often contemplated not answering. He had to get his daily fix of me in order to give him his emotional fulfillment. Saving him and filling him was my addiction. Being his savior was my idol. It was shoes that I was ever meant to fill, therefore- it was killing me. After some hard conversation with some amazing friends, as well as tons and tons of sob-filled prayer.. I ultimately had to tell the love of my life that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I would no longer answer the phone. I would email him once a day, but if I was too busy with the kids and everything else going on, then I wasn't going to worry about it.
Naturally Mike hated this idea. He panicked and insisted that we think of another option. But there was no other option. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Tell my love, who is living in the midst of hell, that I wasn't going to be there for him anymore. I was never going to stop praying for him. I was never going to stop thinking of him and loving him. But, I had to stop SAVING him. He needed to get his fulfillment from the Lord. Well, Mike kept reading his Bible, only now the words began to make sense. He started feeling something. And it wasn't coming from me... He was reading other books and genuinely started getting to know Jesus in an intimate way. His prayer life was bigger than ever, because now, he had nobody else to turn to. I know Mike knew God before this, but I honestly think this could be the time when he fell in love with Him. And in this mess, I started turning to God in the same way. And He changed me in areas I had no idea that needed to be changed. God BROKE us. And I praise Him for it! We were broken and stripped down to nothing, so that He could pick us up, and rebuild us from scratch in the way HE wants us. Thank God.
So, I now realize that when I had to watch my husband walk away from me on March 3rd at 6:30pm... It was NOT God ignoring my pleas... it was Him answering my bigger and more important ones. It was God saying, just wait. Let me show you what better things I have in store for you. Ultimately, it was one of the best days of my life. Because it brought me and Mike to a whole new level of love, intimacy, marriage, trust, you name it! Tomorrow I wake up way too early, to get all prettied up for the Welcome Home Ceremony. That's right, he's coming home. I know I should be nervous, anxious, giddy, excited... but I have a strange peace that I can't explain. I am happy beyond words to have him home, and I cant express to you the joy I will feel in my soul to touch his face again. But, the last few days, the only thing on my mind is how grateful I am. How thankful I am that God doesn't listen to my stupid ideas. That He knows so much better than I do. That He never ever fails. And I am so incredibly sorry that I ever doubted that, even for a minute. I know He has already forgiven me, therefore I am thankful for His grace and mercy. I don't know what He sees in me. I don't know why He continues to pour out His love and blessings into my life, but I am glad He does. I am humbled that I get to be one of the wives who will hold my soldier again. Thank you Jesus.
