I have been told quite a bit this week that people were shocked to find I was in the hospital for surgery. Nobody even really knew what for. I hadn't noticed, but I didn't post anything about it on Facebook. (Which means it didn't happen, right?!) Why didn't I post it for all to see? Why had I kept it to myself and those I see on a daily basis and on an intimate level? No real reason. To be honest, I just never really thought about it. If I wasn't at the doctor, I wasn't thinking about my issues. I was in no way worried about it. I knew it was handled. Before anything happened, I knew God was taking care of it all, so I didn't have to think of it or worry about it. I just did what the doctors said and left the rest to God. I only write this now, because God loves me in a big way. So big, in fact, that He gave me a miracle and saved my health and my life. I want to shout it from a mountain top, but since all I have is this blog... well here goes...
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
and by their testimony.
And they did not love their lives so much
that they were afraid to die.
-Revelation 12:11
I have had trouble with my thyroid since I was 18 years old. I had what doctors called a goiter. It was basically a large nodule on the left side of my thyroid. I had a biopsy when I was 18 that proved it to be benign, and it wasn't effecting my thyroid function, so we left it alone. Although my thyroid was still functioning as normal, recently the nodule was getting so large that it was pressing on my windpipe and causing problems. (Mostly a chronic sore throat.) The doctors also found other enlarged nodules on an ultrasound, but after 2 horribly painful biopsies, both of the larger nodules were found to be benign.
The doctor explained that with thyroids, biopsies are tricky. They often get false negative readings. If you think of the nodule as an orange and you are taking cells from one side of the orange, yet the cancer is on the other side... well you see where I am going with this. So basically, my doctor wanted to remove the left side due to it's size and the fact that it was beginning to be symptomatic. He said the right side was large, but not causing me problems, so I might want to just keep that half. With the right side, I wouldn't need to be on medication. Without it, however, I would require a synthetic thyroid medication daily for the rest of my life. (Dear Lord, please ensure my insurance from now until the day we meet face to face.. Thank you!) But, he didn't think it was necessary to remove the entire thing and recommended I don't. I told him I wanted to talk to my husband about it and I would let him know at the next appointment. I spoke with my amazing husband about it a lot. I prayed like crazy and asked God what to do. The clouds didn't part and a gathering of angels didn't come down to tell me in a loud booming voice whether or not to have it all removed... so I figured God was leaving it up to me. I had a gut feeling that I just wanted to get it all out and be done with it. But, I was torn because of the medication aspect. I hate medication.
When I went back into the doctor, I asked some more questions and discussed it with him a bit more before ultimately going with my gut and just asking him to remove the whole thing. He has told me that because the right nodule was in fact enlarged, that it could continue growing and we might be right back here in another 10 years planning a second thyroidectomy. No thanks. I went on to forget all about my surgery. It didn't worry me one bit. Until the night before.... Oh sweet Jesus. I was on my knees in the laundry room sorting dirty clothes (what is it about the laundry room?!?) and panic hit me. The doctor was thorough. Too thorough. He told me of all the risks of the surgery and the one that stuck out to me was terrible!! He said there is a tiny nerve that runs right through my vocal chords. If he happened to accidently knick that nerve during surgery, he could either partially paralyze it, or completely paralyze it. If only partial, I would speak like I had smoked a pack a day for 50 years. If completely, I would require a tracheotomy, which would mean that I would have to speak through a little box and sound like a robot for the rest of my life. Can you feel my panic?!
How would I worship my God? How would I sing to Sophia before bed like I have done her entire life? How would I whisper sweet nothings into my husband's ear? I was certain the night before surgery, that I was going to lose my voice the next day. Something was going to go wrong and I would endure a lifetime of silence. I had already asked the doctor to not put any voice box in my throat. I would rather learn sign language than frighten my 3 year old every time I spoke. I sat there on the floor of the laundry room considering calling the whole thing off. I knew I could. I would simply call the hospital in the morning and tell them I changed my mind. This thing wasn't really hurting anything, anyway. It was just a big lump that was inconvenient. Nothing else. I had it all planned out. I was going to cancel and keep my goiter forever.
Just then a song popped in my head.
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.
I sat on the floor of my laundry room, crying and singing out to God. It was a plea. One last beg for mercy. Help me Jesus! I need You! I need You to come and pick up where I left off. I have no courage left. I have no strength left. I have no faith left. Fill me with yours so I can go on. A few minutes later, an couple of amazing friends show up at my doorstep with silly string, bubbles, cheesecake, and poster board signs (One said "1 John 5:4 For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world- our FAITH... The other said "Sarah, Sarah you're so HOT, We'd still love you if you were 1/2 robot!!!). They were celebrating my last night with a thyroid! They were the answer to my plea. I could no longer hold myself up, so they came to hold me up for awhile. Awhile ago another incredible friend of mine reminded me of the story of Moses.
11 As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. 13 As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.
-Exodus 17: 11-12
These women were my Aaron and Hur. Holding me up when I couldn't carry on any longer. Because of this, I would go on to have the surgery and aside from the pain, be completely victorious!! Praise Jesus, He is so faithful!!
A couple of days ago I got a call from the doctor's office. The doctor wanted to see me right away. I had an appointment in a few days, but this couldn't wait. Hello, panic... it's been awhile. So I nervously go into the clinic and attempt to sign in, only to be told that I couldn't because I didn't have an appointment. The doctor simply wanted to see me. Great... this can't be good. I wait for hardly any time at all before I am back in the exam room. Doc walks in and sticks his hand out to shake mine, but before he could utter a word "is it cancer?" slipped out of my mouth. "Yes," he replied.
This is where my world comes crashing down around me, right? Wrong. My tummy was turning a bit, but for the most part I was ok. My reaction was the same as it has been with everything in my life. What now? What do we do next? What is the next step? The doctor proceeded to explain how there was cancer in one of the nodules on the right side that they did NOT biopsy. It was a smaller nodule that was in no way concerning to them, so they didn't pay any mind to it. Did you catch that? It was on the RIGHT side. The side that was "unnecessary to remove". Had I not prayed and thought more about it and ultimately followed my gut (which I believe to be the Holy Spirit), I would be sitting here right now with cancer in my neck. Hiding. Festering. For God only knows how long.
Doc goes on to explain how I will have to see a radiation oncologist. I will need to have one dose of radiation just in case there was any thyroid tissue left behind. They will also want to check and make sure there isn't cancer anywhere else in my neck or throat. Just in case. So here is where my panic starts kicking in a bit. Radiation? More cancer? What??? I went home, turned my phone on, and started texting. Getting in touch with my beloved prayer warriors. I know when we are in agreement in prayer, God usually makes it happen (unless He has something better in store). Within a few hours of praying and seeking God I got another phone call. The Doc again. He tells me he spoke with the oncologist and they don't think the radiation will be necessary. I can continue life as normal and after a cautionary consultation with him next week, I can never think of this cancer crap again!!
Do you see God in this? Do you see how His hand was directing and moving and working this entire time? I am so thankful that He was right here. Making things happen for me. I am thankful that I have opened up my life and my heart to Him. To being obedient to Him. I am thankful that my dear friends have done the same. If they hadn't, there might not have been someone to hold me up the night before surgery. Praise you Jesus for being so faithful and loving and ever-present in my every moment. You are so good.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Grace Virginia
The reality is that 12 hours of excruciating labor would lead to a terrifying epidural which ultimately would allow me a couple hours of rest. Um, hello?! This was NOT in my birth plan! I remember sleeping like a rock with a bunch of machines hooked up to me doing all the hard work of labor, when all of a sudden I was startled awake by alarms all going off at once. The nurses quickly ran in and shoved an oxygen mask on my face, pushed a bunch of buttons, and then shortly thereafter, the doctor came in. She was a fabulous doctor who I loved and trusted very much. She calmly told me that the baby was in distress and I would need to undergo an emergency cesarean section. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. Talk about birth plans, eh?? The next thing I know, I am holding this amazing tiny person who somehow had just come from inside of me. She was a miracle.
Her entrance into this world was anything but graceful. Her life ever since has also been up and down and crazy and complicated. Yet, her name is Grace. She was named after her great grandmother on her father's side, who was apparently a very incredible woman who was beloved by everyone who knew her. I have been really thinking about the word grace lately.
grace [ grayss ]
- elegance: elegance, beauty, and smoothness of form or movement
- politeness: dignified, polite, and decent behavior
- generosity of spirit: a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people
Of all my children, Gracie is the one with the soft, porcelain doll-like features. She is dainty and beautiful. She was born with a natural rhythm to her every move. It is like she is always dancing (and she kind of always is..) For the most part, she is polite and classy. Always concerned with people seeing her as respectful and easy to be around. The last part of the definition is where things get tricky. Grace is growing and maturing. She is still very selfish and learning what it means to think of others outside of herself. I believe this last part of the definition isn't just for her, but for me as well. God was generous to entrust me with one of his most precious of creations. He was graceful and loving in that He gave her to me to be raised up and loved.Gracie has the ability to push my buttons like no other of my children do. She is cunning and knows exactly what to say if she is upset and wants to jab back at me. These are qualities that I know will be a blessing to her later on in life. However, as of now... When she decides to use her powers for evil, I can look at her and remember- Grace. I will always tolerate and forgive her. I adore her. I cherish her. She is one of the 6 most important people in my life. One of God's most precious creations.
Gracie has the most contagious laugh, the brightest smile, and a natural eye for fashion (the girl has been matching her own outfits since she was 2!) She is talented in dance, gymnastics, and has one of the most beautiful singing voices I have ever heard. She is loved by everyone who knows her. Popular with both children and adults. She will be great one day. This girl will move mountains if she really wants to. I am blessed and humbled that God thought highly enough of me to allow me the pleasure of calling her mine. Happy birthday my dearest Gracie. Always know how much I love you and cherish these years when you still call me Mommy.
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